REVIEW ALSO ON: http://bibliomantics.com/2012/06/29/m...

The Land of Stories revolves around two twins obsessed with fairy tales. There’s brainy Alex who loves to learn, and the Bart to her Lisa, her brother Conner. Conner is one of the few likeable characters, with a great sense of humor. This is slightly ruined when Colfer makes sure to tell us Conner is funny without meaning to be. When things in their life are at their lowest (their father recently died and their birthday looks like it will be a meager one), the duo literally fall into their grandmother’s book of fairy tales. One plus of this novel included Colfer not going out of his way to bring the twin’s father back to life. I hate any story or movie that panders to children and make them think they can speak to dead loved ones through Snowmen or reunite their divorced parents. It gives them impossible expectations.

Inside this familiar new world the twins meet Froggy, a man cursed to be a frog who conveniently tells them everything they need to know. All the kingdoms in the land combined make up the Happily Ever After Assembly and are ruled over by Rapunzel, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella and Little Red Riding Hood. Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, and Cinderella are married to Chance, Chase, and Chandler Charming. A prince named Chandler, really? Their fourth brother Charlie is missing and assumed dead. We learn Red Riding Hood’s kingdom succeeded which led to the formation of the Big Bad Wolf Pack and the Fairy Council (Mother Goose is a fairy for some reason) is in charge of keeping the trolls and goblins at bay. Spoiler warning: They’re pretty bad at it. Now that the good (or rather not as bad) is out of the way, onto the bad. And oh boy is it bad. AKA worse.

The first thing this novel suffers from is being overly wordy. At 448 pages, it’s far too long for a children’s book. Even Harry Potter didn’t hit the 400 page mark until people started getting killed off, and by then Rowling’s characters were teenagers. This problem could have been fixed had Colfer limited the scope of his premise. Not only do his characters need to visit nine places, they also need to collect eight magical objects to complete a spell that will take them home. There’s a reason fairy tales usually stick to the rule of three!

Another painful facet of the novel is the overuse of metaphors and similes. Enough to kill a small woodland animal. They were grating enough in Robert Kirkman’s Rise of the Governor, and were equally painful in this children’s story. I have included my favorites (and by favorites I mean the ones that make me want to stab myself most) below.

“… Like fireflies in a cave.” I hate when caves are full of fireflies.
“… Diverted her attention to him like a paper clip to a magnet.” Why a paper clip? Why not tacks? Or other magnets?
“He handed the poster back to his sister as if it were infected with rabies.” You’d hand your sister something covered in rabies!?!
“… Clutching onto her brother like a monkey on a tree.” Eating lice off of him simultaneously.

As if these metaphors and similes- which pulled me out of the story- weren’t bad enough, there was also various ridiculousness peppered throughout. First, is the belief that Colfer seems to think emotions and feelings affect the entire body. For example, “Curiosity had taken over her entire body”. When does curiosity engulf all your senses? Maybe jealousy, anxiety, or feelings of happiness but certainly not curiosity. My toes have never felt curious. Ever. Unless I’m just broken. We are also told that this is the only time ever that Snow White raises her voice. Ever. Other face palm worthy examples include. “Hugs so tight they would almost pop” and the plot holes. Oh so many plot holes.

Perhaps the most frustrating aspect of the narrative however is the ease with which the twins get out of sticky situations. The great thing about children’s adventure stories are how the characters use their brains and ingenuity to get out of problems. In this book, the children merely rely on their own luck and good fortune. When they’re about to be eaten by a witch, Conner makes a wish that she become a vegetarian, which she randomly grants. Realizing the futility of getting Cinderella’s glass slipper, it magically appears in their bag. They’re rescued by everyone and their mother, including the Little Mermaid who for some reason is sea foam, despite becoming a daughter of the air in the original story. And don’t even get me started on that damn ending.