Katrina Passick Lumsden's Reviews > Fifty Shades Freed

Fifty Shades Freed by E.L. James
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Jun 12, 2012

did not like it
Read in June, 2012

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Welcome back, fellow masochists (or those of you who simply wish to forgo the hassle of reading this crap and opt for my poignant reviews instead). I wish I could say Fifty Shades Freed met my expectations, but...well, honestly, I don't know what the fuck that was. I don't know how I feel. I don't know what to think. The only thing I know is that, usually after finishing a trilogy/series, I'm lost. My brothers end up finding me curled up in a ball somewhere and they laugh and call me names, most of which are variations of "emo douchebag" because I'm all like

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I can't help it. If I've invested enough of myself into a story to read more than one installment, it generally means I liked it (or at least something about it). That wasn't the case with the Fifty Shades trilogy. I went into Fifty Shades of Grey knowing full well I would probably hate it, and I wasn't wrong. In fact, I think I may have underestimated that book in terms of how thoroughly it would infuriate and disgust me. I considered not bothering with the next two installments because I was certain it wouldn't get any better. Look, I know there are those of you out there who think that it did get better, but I'm not talking about the story. I mean, I don't think that improved much, either, but the point I'm trying to make is that E.L. James is a terrible writer, technically and artistically. As a photographer, I can tell you that sucking ass in both categories won't get you far. Certain people will give you a certain amount of latitude one way or another, sure, but if your composition is badly placed, taken at the wrong time of day, crowded, confusing, and out of focus....well, you get it. Needless to say, I wasn't even halfway through Fifty Shades Darker before I started getting bored, but I trudged on and it wasn't much different from any of the boredom I've experienced before.

Then I started reading Fifty Shades Freed. I can honestly say that I had no idea this kind of feeling was even possible. I've never had a book so thoroughly turn off my desire to read before. Ever. I would read a page here and there, then turn my Kindle off and get online. There wouldn't be anything to do online, and I'd sit at my desk thinking, Oh, I should really finish that book. But then I'd just keep surfing the internet. To be honest, it was because every time I even thought about reaching for my Kindle, my brain did this:

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Should we talk about what happened this time around? OK...

Honeymoon. Christian throwing a tantrum. Ana's boobs get marked up in retaliation. Drama, drama, drama, corn, some cheese, sex sex sex, lots of whining, Christian being clingy, Ana trying to assert her independence, blah blah blah. It reads exactly like the other two books with its repetitive wording and infuriating platitudes, and because of this it suffers far more than the other two books. I was tired of reading this shit. The only thing that set this one apart was the utter weirdness of a few of the scenes. Like Christian marking up Ana's titties after she goes topless on a beach in the south of France. Yeah, it happens. It's OK, though. Ana gives him a pass because, emotionally, he's stuck in adolescence and this apparently gives him free reign to do as he likes with impunity. She's angry at first, sure, but she forgives him. Even after he has the balls to say, "Well, you won't take your top off again."

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The temerity of this character is astounding. E.L. James has managed to create one of the most blatantly antagonistic sociopaths I've ever seen, yet women everywhere are gobbling it up like he's the best thing since the vibrator.

But nothing really happens in the first 90% of the book except a lot of emotional manipulation. Ana and Christian play games with each other's emotions and genuinely seem to have absolutely no clue how to communicate with another human being. It's apparently all good, though, because the sex makes up for any lack of connection they should have. During one sex scene, Ana thinks, "We still have this. We'll always have this."

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No. No, you won't. Your sex life may still be fulfilling after five, ten, or even fifteen years, but it won't be the same. No, not at all. And if you think for one second that sex can make up for the emotional connection and teamwork a marriage requires, you're going to be sorely disappointed. Look I'm all for fantasy, but I guess I like mine tinged with a little more reality than this. Friendship is the foundation of any solid relationship and without it, you're just bumpin' uglies until it gets boring.

Arguably the best thing to come out of this book was the fun I had discussing butt plugs with my sister-in-law. Yes, there's a sex scene involving a butt plug, and yes, it's both hilarious and disturbing, if for nothing else but E.L. James' refusal to use the word “ass”. Ana is always using the words 'behind' and 'bottom' to describe her other “down there”, and those words do not mesh well with the concept of an anal sex toy. I'm sorry, but hearing about how Christian inserted a butt plug into Ana's 'bottom' made me both uncomfortable and highly amused. Or when he inserted his finger into her 'behind'. No. No. As a child, you have a behind or a bottom, but once you hit about 14 or so, it's your butt or your ass. Only occasionally can the other words be used in reference to an older individual and be gotten away with.

As amusing as all that was, however, it didn't hold a candle to the things that went on when they were finished engaging in anal play. Just to be clear, I don't have anything against people who find pleasure in the anus. If that's your thing, hey, more power to ya. So I don't have a problem with the sex scenes themselves. However, when Christian fingered Ana's arsehole and then didn't wash his hands...yeah, I was a little grossed out. They're cuddling and everything afterward and on a constant loop in my head was, “poopy finger, poopy finger, poopy finger....poopy....finger!” My sister-in-law said she was wondering if he was going to make her suck on it like he did every other time he jammed his digits into her nether regions.

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But wait, there's more!

Ana asks Christian who cleans the toys (this is after they've used the aforementioned butt plug), and he informs her it's either him, a submissive, or Mrs. Jones.

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Mrs Jones, the hired help. She's a maid and a cook, for pete's sake, not a wall-washer at the local gentleman's club! God! Can you imagine taking a housekeeping job with some 27-year-old douche canoe and all you're expecting is dusting, vacuuming, cooking, etc., and the next thing you know, he's handing you a bowl of used butt plugs? Or maybe he's not even handing them to you, he just mentions that, hey, that mysterious almost-always-locked spare room could use a good cleaning and you walk in to discover not only that you've stumbled into some kind of David Lynchian porn den, but you've also been greeted by the smell of stale sex and ass. And oh! There's a bowl of dirty butt plugs on the sideboard!

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Mr. and Mrs. Brady may have had their freaky naughty time, but I highly doubt they were crass enough to make Alice clean up after it.

So then Ana takes the butt plug (yes, I'm still on this) and washes it off in the sink, then vaguely wonders if it needs to be sanitized somehow.

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Well, Ana.........................................I'm thinking yes. Yes, it should probably be subjected to some sort of sanitation process. But that's just my opinion.

When you read scenes like that over the course of several books, it really comes as no surprise when you discover that Ana has missed several appointments with her gyno and apparently completely forgotten about her birth control shot. You know where this is going.

Christian is going to fuhreeeaaak.

“Christian, I'm pregnant.”

And at first, Christian's all like

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But then he's like

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Then he storms out and is never heard from again.

Ha! I wish 'cause that would've been the end of the story, and it would've served Ana right for being such an idiot. But alas, he returns and there's nothing to be done for it except more melodrama. He comes home drunk and Ana finds out he saw the “bitch troll” pedophile again, and she feels betrayed, and yadda yadda. So they fight, and this is the only time in any of the books that they actually have a raging screaming match, and yeah, it was about fucking time it happened, but even the fight is tainted by Ana's ridiculous assertions that if Christian touches her, he'll just get his way because her traitorous body will succumb to him.

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Christian spends the entire book shutting Ana up with his penis.

So then the ending happens. Something about Hyde kidnapping Christian's sister or some shit. Ana saves the day. Funny. No, it really is 'cause the girl's dumb.

Well, when that shit's all over, we get this weird-ass epilogue wherein Ana asserts that she thinks their in-utero daughter "likes sex already" because she's dancing around in her mother's womb after...sex? I guess so. There isn't a sex scene, so not only is this remark fucking weird, it's also oddly misplaced. Then Christian sucks popsicle off of his son's fingers.

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What is with E.L. James and the finger sucking?

(Edit: A commenter brought to my attention the fact that there is indeed a sex scene before the aforementioned conversation about the baby liking sex. So I double-checked and yes, there is a sex scene right before. The confusion came about as the direct result of E.L. James's inability to maintain a coherent timeline.)

After the epilogue, there's even more pointless drivel. The beginning of Fifty Shades of Grey from Christian's perspective! I can hear the collective squee and the panties droppin' and it kinda makes me wanna choke a bitch. But that's not even the worst of it. No, the worst is that it ends right as Christian's leaving the hardware store, and as the narrative comes to a close, the reader is treated to this: "That's all...for now."

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Please, someone break her hands. Do it quickly. Might as well cut out her tongue, as well, so she won't be able to dictate her nonsense.

I think one of the best blurbs for this series (and this installment in particular) would have to be something my older sister said about it after I told her there's a Happily Ever After ending:

"Maybe she'll write a fourth book in which, after having three kids, being isolated, and losing her job, he finally hits her and the cops get called, leading to his arrest. She leaves and takes half his damn shit plus child support. 'Cuz after three kids and several years, "down there" ain't gonna drip at the sight of him anymore." - Kimberly Brown

Harsh and bitter? Perhaps, but that's reality. Like I said before, it would be nice if we could have a little realistic fantasy (it's not an oxymoron if you know what I'm talking about). Christian Grey might have been a desirable character if....well, if he weren't Christian Grey.

To be honest, I'm disappointed in this review. I just can't seem to muster the same amount of enthusiasm as before. Or even come close. All I know is that I tried to write this twice before, but lost it both times due to computer error, and I took that as a sign that I shouldn't over-think it. Maybe this review reflects the book itself; haphazard and drained. Whatever the case, the only burst of energy I got during this book was at the end. When it was done. It should come as no surprise that my reaction when finishing this book was not despondent depression. Far from it. When I read that last word and knew I could finally, finally walk away from this trilogy, I felt...

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Yeah. It was that good. It was "taking a giant crap after being constipated for a week" good. Or "getting laid for the first time in years" good. I.felt.so.free.

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The only thing good about the Fifty Shades trilogy is the moment it finally ends.



Word Count:
“Oh my” - 52
“Crap” - 46
“Jeez” - 58
"Holy (shit/fuck/crap/hell/cow/moses)" – 108
"Whoa" - 14
"Gasp" - 60
"Gasps" - 15
"Sharp Intake of Breath" - 2
"Murmur" - 115
"Murmurs" - 186
"Whisper" - 194
"Whispers" - 190
"Mutter" - 88
"Mutters" - 38
"Fifty" - 67
"Lip" - 51
“Inner goddess” - 33
“Subconscious” - 48

Click here for my review of Fifty Shades of Grey
Click here for my review of Fifty Shades Darker
Click here for my review of the Fifty Shades Trilogy
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Reading Progress

01/30/2016 marked as: read

Comments (showing 251-300 of 1,366) (1366 new)


message 251: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Sj wrote: "Oh my god... you have just made my night, my week, possibly my month, my year and maybe even my decade. I would never expend a penny to buy these books, because they are flipped fanfic that was ava..."

Aw, thanks, Sj. I really appreciate how everyone's come together in their mutual hatred, hehe! I tried my best to express how these works of (fan)fiction made me feel, and I'm glad I've struck a chord with you and others. =)


message 252: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Diane wrote: "I want to send you Godiva and wine, you earned it, dear lady."

Ah, no, Reese's and wine coolers will do, I'm a rather cheap date. *Batting eyelashes*


message 253: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Maria wrote: "I love your reviews! Can't wait for more."

Thank you, Maria!


message 254: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Stephanie wrote: "I love how optimistic everyone with any sense is about this thing dying soon. Two words - Twilight Saga. That's all I'm gonna say.

Except these reviews made life worth living again after my own p..."


I don't know if it's optimism so much as blind hope;) I don't see them going away any time soon, either. Oh well, at least we're getting our own brand of enjoyment out of it.

Thank you, Stephanie!


message 255: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Jamallah wrote: "*stands up and applauds for 10 minutes* BRAVA!

Probably the single most best reviews of a trilogy to date. I have not been able to read such a honest and well though of review from anybody since s..."


Wow, Jamallah. A thousand times, thank you! It's hard to find people who appreciate truth these days, and as much as I like telling it, it does get to be difficult at times when people verbally berate you for it. I've had people telling me I need to be nicer. Well, I wasn't trying to be mean, I was just expressing how I felt. Maybe that's mean to some people, I don't know, but I didn't set out to be vicious, just honest. And you got it. So really, thank you! =)


message 256: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Anna wrote: "I am on the third book and really trudging through it. These reviews had me in stitches - absolutely spot on and describe the characters, storylines, etc, etc perfectly.
Katrina - you should write..."


First, my condolences;)

Second, thank you! It makes me happy to know I've been making people laugh:)

Who knows, I may just write my own someday. If I can ever stick with one train of thought for the amount of time necessary to finish it.


message 257: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Tara wrote: "I found the link to your reviews on some random corner of the internet - sooo glad I did. This shit was hilarious. I linked them all on facebook, I have so many friends who are moist in their net..."

I don't know if I'll ever get over the fact that people are being directed to my words from "random corners" of the internet. It's so surreal still.

Thank you, Tara! I'm glad I was able to entertain you:)


message 258: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Sj wrote: "Miya wrote: "You know...these books piss me off for a number of reasons...but I'll list a couple.

1. BDSM is NOT about abuse. It's about two people CONSENTING to things that make them happy, in a..."


Preach!


message 259: by Katrina (last edited Jul 18, 2012 03:28AM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Yvette wrote: "Damn, i love your reviews. Makes me want to read every review you have ever written! I have friends that don't normally read books with sex in them so when it came to these, they jumped all over th..."

Well, damn, thank you, Yvette!=)

I feel the same way, I've read so many books with sex scenes (beginning way back at the tender age of 12, when I was trying to sneak peaks at my mom's Harlequin romances). While some of the stuff in FSoG was stuff I hadn't read about before, it wasn't anything I'd never heard of before, so the whole "revolutionary" thing just didn't make sense to me. I honestly feel pity for women who needed awful books like these to spice up their sex lives. I'm not trying to say anything bad about them at all, it's just that female sexual liberation is something I feel very strongly about. To think those women were still so clueless about this kind of thing makes me so sad. I've been trying to encourage other women for years to embrace their sexuality and let their freak flags fly, and while I can appreciate the fact that these books finally woke some women up to the reality of sexual freedom, I can't help but be a little disturbed that so many are defending the actual writing.

Oh well, it's not often you can have your cake and eat it too, right?


message 260: by Remittance (new)

Remittance Girl "Christian spends the entire book shutting Ana up with his penis. "

As a synopsis, this would do fine.


message 261: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Remittance wrote: ""Christian spends the entire book shutting Ana up with his penis. "

As a synopsis, this would do fine."


Lol, you're absolutely right, it would. Because that's pretty much it.

Ana gets mad, begins to bitch, Christian inserts himself. Crisis averted. Over and over again until the kidnapping.


message 262: by Neil (new)

Neil Powell Still loving your work - the use of appropriate gifs is inspired


message 263: by Melissa (new)

Melissa You are my HERO!! Words have not been able to express my hatred towards these books but now I have these reviews. I will refer all questions about the books to this. THANK YOU!!


message 264: by Shannon (last edited Jul 19, 2012 01:25AM) (new)

Shannon I just read this on facebook:

"Im in mourning since Ive finished the books. Im gagging for a Christian of my own - shame most men dont or cant live up to the image lol x"

I mean seriously? What on earth is she on about? I haven't read the books myself in all fairness (your brilliant reviews have spared me from doing so) but if what you say is correct, why would you want a man to be dark, threatening, dangerous and disturbing with a perchant for shagging his own mother? It's beyond belief


message 265: by Kara (new)

Kara If ever there were a synopsis of everything that is wrong with this series, it is the following:

Mr. and Mrs. Brady may have had their freaky naughty time, but I highly doubt they were crass enough to make Alice clean up after it.

So then Ana takes the butt plug (yes, I'm still on this) and washes it off in the sink, then vaguely wonders if it needs to be sanitized somehow.

http://i1169.photobucket.com/albums/r...

Well, Ana.........................................I'm thinking yes. Yes, it should probably be subjected to some sort of sanitation process."


Our harem is going to be so much fun!


message 266: by Sj (new)

Sj Heckscher-Marquis Shannon wrote: "I just read this on facebook:

"Im in mourning since Ive finished the books. Im gagging for a Christian of my own - shame most men dont or cant live up to the image lol x"

I mean seriously? Want o..."
Yes. I think it's because they read the words but cannot comprehend the reality. Dark is one thing, but an abusive stalker who likes to beat bound women whether they like it or not is no different than any alcoholic loser who likes to have a few and knock his wife around on a Saturday night. But because it's in a book, and he's a billionaire it's sexy. Sadly, 'reality' has mangled their braincells.


message 267: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Neil wrote: "Still loving your work - the use of appropriate gifs is inspired"

Thanks much, Neil. =D


message 268: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Melissa wrote: "You are my HERO!! Words have not been able to express my hatred towards these books but now I have these reviews. I will refer all questions about the books to this. THANK YOU!!"

You know, I can't quite get over how big of a chord I've struck with others who hate this book. I mean, to the effect of some of you pointing in my direction whenever someone asks you your opinion of the book(s). It is unbelievably flattering, and I thank you! =)


message 269: by Saki (new)

Saki god i was like ROFL,but i understand what u've been through.i quit the first book itself,you are one courageous girl to read this torture trio :)


message 270: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Shannon wrote: "I just read this on facebook:

"Im in mourning since Ive finished the books. Im gagging for a Christian of my own - shame most men dont or cant live up to the image lol x"

I mean seriously? Want o..."


Photobucket


message 271: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Kara wrote: "Our harem is going to be so much fun!"

Like winning the lottery, curing cancer, and something-something...all in one!


message 272: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Sj wrote: "Yes. I think it's because they read the words but cannot comprehend the reality. Dark is one thing, but an abusive stalker who likes to beat bound women whether they like it or not is no different than any alcoholic loser who likes to have a few and knock his wife around on a Saturday night. But because it's in a book, and he's a billionaire it's sexy. Sadly, 'reality' has mangled their braincells."

Hear, hear, Sj! Brilliant.

If he were short, fat, and bald (or even good-looking, but poor), this would not be as big a hit as it is.


message 273: by Vânia (new) - rated it 5 stars

Vânia Nunes Hi,
I read all your 3 reviews and I admit: they were very funny. Even if I dont agree with you.
Congrats for all your imagination!!
;)


message 274: by Monique (new)

Monique Rockliffe And it ends as brilliantly as it began! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!


message 275: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden cherry wrote: "god i was like ROFL,but i understand what u've been through.i quit the first book itself,you are one courageous girl to read this torture trio :)"

Thank you, Cherry:)


message 276: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Vânia wrote: "Hi,
I read all your 3 reviews and I admit: they were very funny. Even if I dont agree with you.
Congrats for all your imagination!!
;)"


Thank you, Vania! I think people like you (who can like a book, but still have a sense of humor when other people don't) are completely awesome. Getting compliments from fans of this book has been eye-opening. =)


message 277: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Monique wrote: "And it ends as brilliantly as it began! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"

I'm really glad you liked them, Monique, thank you for taking the time out of your day to read 'em. =D


message 278: by Janine (new)

Janine I <3 your review and some of the pics are bang on. Is it REALLY that bad!!? LOL LOL


message 279: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Janine wrote: "I <3 your review and some of the pics are bang on. Is it REALLY that bad!!? LOL LOL"

Thanks, Janine!

It was to me! XD


message 280: by Emmy (new)

Emmy You, my dear Katrina, are brilliant!!! Everything I said to my friends you just said, but better! Everyone couldn't believe I hated this drivel, but now I know, I am the superior being...rofl! Excellent reviews, thank you for letting me read something worth reading!


message 281: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Emmy wrote: "You, my dear Katrina, are brilliant!!! Everything I said to my friends you just said, but better! Everyone couldn't believe I hated this drivel, but now I know, I am the superior being...rofl! Exce..."

Thank you, Emmy:)

Superior being. Yes, yes, I rather like that. Lol.


message 282: by Sj (new)

Sj Heckscher-Marquis Exactly Katrina. If they were not all picturing Robert Pattinson as a sparkly vampire, with a bottomless pit of money to spend on them, these three papery things (Thank you, Blackadder III) would have been consigned to the dustbin of history. I grant you that the author has been cunning and lucky, she has tapped into the great dumbing down with incredible precision.


message 283: by Lauren (new)

Lauren Im not living in the US these days, but a friend of mine told me these books were super popular so i downloaded them. i found myself hating the books for all the reasons you do, and bc i knew about the craze in the U.S. I thought I was the only one. Now I see that I'm not alone out here :)

Your reviews are ridiculous. I read all three back to back and kept laughing so hard while my friends are over watching a "futebol" game, they kept turning to stare at me, and actually all started cracking up and me cracking up. Good times. Seriously though, at the third review, after the poopy finger comments, I actually started laughing so hard I somehow knocked the battery out of my laptop and shut my computer down.

These books are horrendous for all the brilliant reasons you mentioned, and so many more. The protagonist who is actually gorgeous but thinks she is ugly bc she is so skinny was stupid the first time and is now just played out by cheesy authors. Or the fact that Kate is supposed to be having a more normal relationship with brother-dude (begins with an E? cant be bothered to remember) and even they got engaged after a yr or less. And similarly, that Kate "the normal one" couldnt orgasm the whole first year or something like that. Dont a lot of women take years and years and/or never orgasm? And on and on and on...

I still think reading the books was worth it to properly enjoy your reviews though. Seriously, well done!!!!!


message 284: by Gabrielle (new)

Gabrielle In case you were wondering, this is what copper hair looks like: http://copperhair.org/

My friend told me I ruined these books for her because of this. Ahem.


message 285: by Wiebke (new)

Wiebke Thank you for your hard work so I didn't have to read it... sadly I know people who rave over it!


message 286: by Sj (new)

Sj Heckscher-Marquis Janine wrote: "I <3 your review and some of the pics are bang on. Is it REALLY that bad!!? LOL LOL"

Janine, setting aside the serious moral issue that everybody seems very keen to look right past, the actual fact of this book, not the contents; the writing is dreadful and the sex scenes pitiful and distasteful at the same time.

However, the moral issue is the one that disturbs me the most. It is absolutely no secret that these novels began life as fanfiction, on fanfiction.net. As such, they were Twilight fanfic. So the characters were Bella and Edward. The trilogy has even been touted around as the dirty Bella and Edward. In one simple publishing, the question of copyright, the right to be identified as the creator of your own work, and the rights of Intellectual Property cannot help but be called into question. Christian bears a startling resemblance to Robert Pattinson's portrayal of Edward Cullen. Ana falls over a lot, just like Bella. Her character tropes are not just similar, they are identical.

In the front cover of all books and kindle downloads is a bunch of stuff that most people never look at, but gives the author the MORAL right to be IDENTIFIED with his/her own work. Stephanie Meyer has the moral right which has already been asserted, and catalogued with the Library of Congress and most likely the British Library too.

Personally, I think it sucks rocks (yeah, I know, very mature statement, but...) that this drivel was published in the first place. That so many people overlook not only very poor writing, and character/plot development, but the FACT that the publication of these three novels destroy everything that fanfiction is, and can only mean bad things for people who have derived a great deal of pleasure playing in someone else's sandbox and who have never even attempted to profit from giving pleasure to others in their lives. To me that is very sad.


message 287: by Kristen (new)

Kristen I am so utterly grateful to you that I don't have to even pretend I will read the second and third books. Every time someone tells me I HAVE to read any of these, my reaction is to ask them for their copy and them hit them with it.


message 288: by D.b. (new)

D.b. Sj wrote: "I grant you that the author has been cunning and lucky, she has tapped into the great dumbing down with incredible precision."

Absolutely. This is a brilliant point.


message 289: by Huw (new)

Huw Roberts I hope she writes some more so I can read some more of your reviews. Anyone interested in my parody agony aunt blog can find it at www.clamidiablog.wordpress.com Clamidia is the complete opposite of the simpering Ana and would have taken that butt plug and rammed it right up Christian's ass. Again sorry to 'plug' my blog here but it seems like the right place to reach people with brains and humour.


message 290: by Megan (new)

Megan I think you may be my hero, these reviews were amazing! And further cemented that I will never read them, unless someone buys them for me as a sick joke and I get supremely bored.


Katríne excellent reviews for the whole series! (:
If ever all the sex scenes were cut, I wonder how short the story will be. I think the series won't have any substance at all since the whole series is pretty much centered on sex. ugh.


message 292: by Meg (new)

Meg Thank you so much for writing this. I managed to drag my perplexed brain through the first 2 books, but had to stop about 10 pages into the 3rd because a little bit of sick kept coming up in my mouth. Now that I have read your review and summary I don't feel I have to make myself read it. *phew* Good work!


message 293: by Sumney (new)

Sumney LOL all 3 of your 50 shades reviews made me burst out laughing! I THOUGHT about reading these books but now I never will... good to know I'm not missing anything =D


message 294: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Sj wrote: "Exactly Katrina. If they were not all picturing Robert Pattinson as a sparkly vampire, with a bottomless pit of money to spend on them, these three papery things (Thank you, Blackadder III) would h..."

Papery things. Excellent.

I think E.L. James has capitalized masterfully on the idiotsphere.


message 295: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Lauren wrote: "Im not living in the US these days, but a friend of mine told me these books were super popular so i downloaded them. i found myself hating the books for all the reasons you do, and bc i knew abou..."

Thank you, Lauren! You are most definitely not alone. I feared I might attract hordes upon hordes of angry fangirls, ready to take their fingernails to my eyes for trashing on their gospel, but the response I've received has been overwhelmingly positive. Or should that be negative? Ah, whatever, they agree with me, that's what matters.

Kate and...was his name Elliot? I think it was Elliot. Or was that Kate's brother? So many holes in my memory already (yay!). Anyway, Kate and Christian's brother. Yeah, these books only span a couple of months, give or take, from what I recall, so....not even close to a year before they're engaged. I know Christian proposed to Ana after like, five minutes or some shit. *Sigh*

Anyway, I'm glad my reviews entertained you, and thank you so much for sharing!


message 296: by Katrina (last edited Jul 18, 2012 07:00PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Gabrielle wrote: "In case you were wondering, this is what copper hair looks like: http://copperhair.org/

My friend told me I ruined these books for her because of this. Ahem."


Bahahaha! He's a ginger!

Actually, that makes sense given the grey eyes.

You wanna know who crafts some awesome copper-haired, grey-eyed heroes? Susanna Kearsley. I swear, never much cared for the coloring before, but give me one of her gingery Scots any day.


message 297: by Julie (new)

Julie Thank you, thank you, thank you for your brilliant and hilarious reviews of these train wrecks! Absolutely loved the running totals of overused phrases; I only got through book 1, but if I had to read the words "foil packet" one more time, I was going to have to consider stabbing myself in the eye with a fork.


message 298: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Wiebke wrote: "Thank you for your hard work so I didn't have to read it... sadly I know people who rave over it!"

You're welcome, Wiebke, thank you. And don't worry, we all know people like that. >_<


message 299: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Sj wrote: "Janine wrote: "I

Janine, setting aside the serious moral issue that everybody seems very keen to look right past, the actual fact of this book, not the contents; the writing is dreadful and the s..."


Very well put, Sj. Not to mention the fact that the entire story was available for free online until James got her book deal. Then people had to pay for it. I've heard from people who were in the middle of the story when it got taken down, then were expected to shill out money for it.

Ethics? What are ethics?


message 300: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Kristen wrote: "I am so utterly grateful to you that I don't have to even pretend I will read the second and third books. Every time someone tells me I HAVE to read any of these, my reaction is to ask them for th..."

Thanks, Kristen!

That is the single-best reaction to a request to read it I've heard yet. Hit them with their own blasted book. Why didn't I think of that? Hats off to you!


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