Katrina Passick Lumsden's Reviews > Fifty Shades Freed

Fifty Shades Freed by E.L. James
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Dec 04, 13

Read in June, 2012

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Welcome back, fellow masochists (or those of you who simply wish to forgo the hassle of reading this crap and opt for my poignant reviews instead). I wish I could say Fifty Shades Freed met my expectations, but...well, honestly, I don't know what the fuck that was. I don't know how I feel. I don't know what to think. The only thing I know is that, usually after finishing a trilogy/series, I'm lost. My brothers end up finding me curled up in a ball somewhere and they laugh and call me names, most of which are variations of "emo douchebag" because I'm all like

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I can't help it. If I've invested enough of myself into a story to read more than one installment, it generally means I liked it (or at least something about it). That wasn't the case with the Fifty Shades trilogy. I went into Fifty Shades of Grey knowing full well I would probably hate it, and I wasn't wrong. In fact, I think I may have underestimated that book in terms of how thoroughly it would infuriate and disgust me. I considered not bothering with the next two installments because I was certain it wouldn't get any better. Look, I know there are those of you out there who think that it did get better, but I'm not talking about the story. I mean, I don't think that improved much, either, but the point I'm trying to make is that E.L. James is a terrible writer, technically and artistically. As a photographer, I can tell you that sucking ass in both categories won't get you far. Certain people will give you a certain amount of latitude one way or another, sure, but if your composition is badly placed, taken at the wrong time of day, crowded, confusing, and out of focus....well, you get it. Needless to say, I wasn't even halfway through Fifty Shades Darker before I started getting bored, but I trudged on and it wasn't much different from any of the boredom I've experienced before.

Then I started reading Fifty Shades Freed. I can honestly say that I had no idea this kind of feeling was even possible. I've never had a book so thoroughly turn off my desire to read before. Ever. I would read a page here and there, then turn my Kindle off and get online. There wouldn't be anything to do online, and I'd sit at my desk thinking, Oh, I should really finish that book. But then I'd just keep surfing the internet. To be honest, it was because every time I even thought about reaching for my Kindle, my brain did this:

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Should we talk about what happened this time around? OK...

Honeymoon. Christian throwing a tantrum. Ana's boobs get marked up in retaliation. Drama, drama, drama, corn, some cheese, sex sex sex, lots of whining, Christian being clingy, Ana trying to assert her independence, blah blah blah. It reads exactly like the other two books with its repetitive wording and infuriating platitudes, and because of this it suffers far more than the other two books. I was tired of reading this shit. The only thing that set this one apart was the utter weirdness of a few of the scenes. Like Christian marking up Ana's titties after she goes topless on a beach in the south of France. Yeah, it happens. It's OK, though. Ana gives him a pass because, emotionally, he's stuck in adolescence and this apparently gives him free reign to do as he likes with impunity. She's angry at first, sure, but she forgives him. Even after he has the balls to say, "Well, you won't take your top off again."

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The temerity of this character is astounding. E.L. James has managed to create one of the most blatantly antagonistic sociopaths I've ever seen, yet women everywhere are gobbling it up like he's the best thing since the vibrator.

But nothing really happens in the first 90% of the book except a lot of emotional manipulation. Ana and Christian play games with each other's emotions and genuinely seem to have absolutely no clue how to communicate with another human being. It's apparently all good, though, because the sex makes up for any lack of connection they should have. During one sex scene, Ana thinks, "We still have this. We'll always have this."

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No. No, you won't. Your sex life may still be fulfilling after five, ten, or even fifteen years, but it won't be the same. No, not at all. And if you think for one second that sex can make up for the emotional connection and teamwork a marriage requires, you're going to be sorely disappointed. Look I'm all for fantasy, but I guess I like mine tinged with a little more reality than this. Friendship is the foundation of any solid relationship and without it, you're just bumpin' uglies until it gets boring.

Arguably the best thing to come out of this book was the fun I had discussing butt plugs with my sister-in-law. Yes, there's a sex scene involving a butt plug, and yes, it's both hilarious and disturbing, if for nothing else but E.L. James' refusal to use the word “ass”. Ana is always using the words 'behind' and 'bottom' to describe her other “down there”, and those words do not mesh well with the concept of an anal sex toy. I'm sorry, but hearing about how Christian inserted a butt plug into Ana's 'bottom' made me both uncomfortable and highly amused. Or when he inserted his finger into her 'behind'. No. No. As a child, you have a behind or a bottom, but once you hit about 14 or so, it's your butt or your ass. Only occasionally can the other words be used in reference to an older individual and be gotten away with.

As amusing as all that was, however, it didn't hold a candle to the things that went on when they were finished engaging in anal play. Just to be clear, I don't have anything against people who find pleasure in the anus. If that's your thing, hey, more power to ya. So I don't have a problem with the sex scenes themselves. However, when Christian fingered Ana's arsehole and then didn't wash his hands...yeah, I was a little grossed out. They're cuddling and everything afterward and on a constant loop in my head was, “poopy finger, poopy finger, poopy finger....poopy....finger!” My sister-in-law said she was wondering if he was going to make her suck on it like he did every other time he jammed his digits into her nether regions.

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But wait, there's more!

Ana asks Christian who cleans the toys (this is after they've used the aforementioned butt plug), and he informs her it's either him, a submissive, or Mrs. Jones.

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Mrs Jones, the hired help. She's a maid and a cook, for pete's sake, not a wall-washer at the local gentleman's club! God! Can you imagine taking a housekeeping job with some 27-year-old douche canoe and all you're expecting is dusting, vacuuming, cooking, etc., and the next thing you know, he's handing you a bowl of used butt plugs? Or maybe he's not even handing them to you, he just mentions that, hey, that mysterious almost-always-locked spare room could use a good cleaning and you walk in to discover not only that you've stumbled into some kind of David Lynchian porn den, but you've also been greeted by the smell of stale sex and ass. And oh! There's a bowl of dirty butt plugs on the sideboard!

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Mr. and Mrs. Brady may have had their freaky naughty time, but I highly doubt they were crass enough to make Alice clean up after it.

So then Ana takes the butt plug (yes, I'm still on this) and washes it off in the sink, then vaguely wonders if it needs to be sanitized somehow.

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Well, Ana.........................................I'm thinking yes. Yes, it should probably be subjected to some sort of sanitation process. But that's just my opinion.

When you read scenes like that over the course of several books, it really comes as no surprise when you discover that Ana has missed several appointments with her gyno and apparently completely forgotten about her birth control shot. You know where this is going.

Christian is going to fuhreeeaaak.

“Christian, I'm pregnant.”

And at first, Christian's all like

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But then he's like

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Then he storms out and is never heard from again.

Ha! I wish 'cause that would've been the end of the story, and it would've served Ana right for being such an idiot. But alas, he returns and there's nothing to be done for it except more melodrama. He comes home drunk and Ana finds out he saw the “bitch troll” pedophile again, and she feels betrayed, and yadda yadda. So they fight, and this is the only time in any of the books that they actually have a raging screaming match, and yeah, it was about fucking time it happened, but even the fight is tainted by Ana's ridiculous assertions that if Christian touches her, he'll just get his way because her traitorous body will succumb to him.

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Christian spends the entire book shutting Ana up with his penis.

So then the ending happens. Something about Hyde kidnapping Christian's sister or some shit. Ana saves the day. Funny. No, it really is 'cause the girl's dumb.

Well, when that shit's all over, we get this weird-ass epilogue wherein Ana asserts that she thinks their in-utero daughter "likes sex already" because she's dancing around in her mother's womb after...sex? I guess so. There isn't a sex scene, so not only is this remark fucking weird, it's also oddly misplaced. Then Christian sucks popsicle off of his son's fingers.

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What is with E.L. James and the finger sucking?

(Edit: A commenter brought to my attention the fact that there is indeed a sex scene before the aforementioned conversation about the baby liking sex. So I double-checked and yes, there is a sex scene right before. The confusion came about as the direct result of E.L. James's inability to maintain a coherent timeline.)

After the epilogue, there's even more pointless drivel. The beginning of Fifty Shades of Grey from Christian's perspective! I can hear the collective squee and the panties droppin' and it kinda makes me wanna choke a bitch. But that's not even the worst of it. No, the worst is that it ends right as Christian's leaving the hardware store, and as the narrative comes to a close, the reader is treated to this: "That's all...for now."

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Please, someone break her hands. Do it quickly. Might as well cut out her tongue, as well, so she won't be able to dictate her nonsense.

I think one of the best blurbs for this series (and this installment in particular) would have to be something my older sister said about it after I told her there's a Happily Ever After ending:

"Maybe she'll write a fourth book in which, after having three kids, being isolated, and losing her job, he finally hits her and the cops get called, leading to his arrest. She leaves and takes half his damn shit plus child support. 'Cuz after three kids and several years, "down there" ain't gonna drip at the sight of him anymore." - Kimberly Brown

Harsh and bitter? Perhaps, but that's reality. Like I said before, it would be nice if we could have a little realistic fantasy (it's not an oxymoron if you know what I'm talking about). Christian Grey might have been a desirable character if....well, if he weren't Christian Grey.

To be honest, I'm disappointed in this review. I just can't seem to muster the same amount of enthusiasm as before. Or even come close. All I know is that I tried to write this twice before, but lost it both times due to computer error, and I took that as a sign that I shouldn't over-think it. Maybe this review reflects the book itself; haphazard and drained. Whatever the case, the only burst of energy I got during this book was at the end. When it was done. It should come as no surprise that my reaction when finishing this book was not despondent depression. Far from it. When I read that last word and knew I could finally, finally walk away from this trilogy, I felt...

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Yeah. It was that good. It was "taking a giant crap after being constipated for a week" good. Or "getting laid for the first time in years" good. I.felt.so.free.

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The only thing good about the Fifty Shades trilogy is the moment it finally ends.



Word Count:
“Oh my” - 52
“Crap” - 46
“Jeez” - 58
"Holy (shit/fuck/crap/hell/cow/moses)" – 108
"Whoa" - 14
"Gasp" - 60
"Gasps" - 15
"Sharp Intake of Breath" - 2
"Murmur" - 115
"Murmurs" - 186
"Whisper" - 194
"Whispers" - 190
"Mutter" - 88
"Mutters" - 38
"Fifty" - 67
"Lip" - 51
“Inner goddess” - 33
“Subconscious” - 48

Click here for my review of Fifty Shades of Grey
Click here for my review of Fifty Shades Darker
Click here for my review of the Fifty Shades Trilogy
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Comments (showing 101-150 of 1,254) (1254 new)


Alicia (is beyond tired of your *ish) Ugh, IDK why but no one ever washes their hands in erotica. Especially in like, every M/M. It drives me crazy!

The only thing good about the Fifty Shades trilogy is the moment it finally ends.

Yep. That pretty much sums it up perfectly.


message 102: by Beckie (new)

Beckie Treble Awesome review!
Sorry to have to tell you though, that she already wrote a "one-shot" in "Edward's" no sorry mean Christian's POV. She wrote it for a charity thing. Alex's Lemonade Stand. Loads of people bid for it, she made a fortune and is now publishing it. How wrong, right?

Anyway, awesome review. Will go read more of your other reviews now :)
Happy reading.. I really hope you find something you like now!!!!!!


message 103: by Naurarwen (new)

Naurarwen I just want to say I have read all three of your reviews for Fifty Shades and trying not to be too forward but I think I love you. I sadly read this trilogy when it was still Masters of the Universe and refuse point blank to read Fifty, then again I've been told its the same epically bad written story, grammer, spelling as the original fanfic was only with the names changed. I admit I read through the whole of the fanfiction but then I was kinda hoping Bella....sorry I mean Ana was going to die...or was that just me hoping. The hype that this book has brought is astonishing, I mean everything about the trilogy is well.....(insert your chosen word here. I will go with..)awful. Kudos again for such an awesome review which had me giggling all the way.

Also not sure if you have heard but someone has written a Harry Potter fanfiction which is a carbon copy of 50 Shades and EL James has actually issued a cease and desist. This also amuses me greatly.


message 104: by Alexis (new) - rated it 1 star

Alexis Your review was amazing. Absolutely hilarious and so freaking true. I have never read a review and laughed this hard before. And your pictures made it all the better. This book made me incredibly mad. If I ever met a man like Christian, I would send his ass flying. God. GREAT REVIEW.
-Kaori


message 105: by Katrina (last edited Jul 03, 2012 08:56PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Alicia wrote: "Ugh, IDK why but no one ever washes their hands in erotica. Especially in like, every M/M. It drives me crazy!

The only thing good about the Fifty Shades trilogy is the moment it finally ends.

Ye..."


Yeah, see, I don't mind so much when it's just the normal juices and stuff, but when your hand's been fondling someone's brown-eye, you should probably hold it aloft as you run to the sink afterward.


message 106: by Katrina (last edited Jul 03, 2012 08:55PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Beckie wrote: "Awesome review!
Sorry to have to tell you though, that she already wrote a "one-shot" in "Edward's" no sorry mean Christian's POV. She wrote it for a charity thing. Alex's Lemonade Stand. Loads of ..."


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message 107: by Katrina (last edited Jul 03, 2012 08:56PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Beckie wrote: "Awesome review!
Sorry to have to tell you though, that she already wrote a "one-shot" in "Edward's" no sorry mean Christian's POV. She wrote it for a charity thing. Alex's Lemonade Stand. Loads of ..."


And thanks, Becki:) I've read quite a few since this tragedy ended that were genuinely good, and I loved them:)


message 108: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Naurarwen wrote: "I just want to say I have read all three of your reviews for Fifty Shades and trying not to be too forward but I think I love you. I sadly read this trilogy when it was still Masters of the Univers..."

Aw, thanks:) Hey, I love anyone and everyone who hates this garbage. We've gotta stick together, you know? Hehe.

That bit about the Harry Potter/Fifty Shades fanfic thing kind has me speechless. I was sitting here trying to think of something to say, but it was like, nope, nothin' doin'. Lol. I hope to everything denim I never meet E.L. James because I'll probably end up arrested for assault.


message 109: by Katrina (last edited Jul 03, 2012 09:02PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Alexis wrote: "Your review was amazing. Absolutely hilarious and so freaking true. I have never read a review and laughed this hard before. And your pictures made it all the better. This book made me incredibly m..."

I know! So true. Any guy like Christian should be brought to his knees by more than a few love taps to the groin. I don't understand why any woman would find overbearing, high-handed abuse sexy. To each their own, I suppose. I just don't want any of them whining to me when their dream guy puts them in the hospital. *Sigh*

But thanks, I'm glad you dug it:)


Alicia (is beyond tired of your *ish) Katrina wrote: "Yeah, see, I don't mind so much when it's just the normal juices and stuff, but when your hand's been fondling someone's brown-eye, you should probably hold it aloft as you run to the sink afterward."

EXACTLY. I'm the same way. I'm read the rest of the scene cringing and yelling, "OMG, WASH YOUR HANDS!"

Let's not forget her famous whining about having to write that 20,000 words of porn for charity. Ugh, the woman is a troll.

I hope to everything denim I never meet E.L. James because I'll probably end up arrested for assault.

Haha, you sound exactly like me.


message 111: by Marina (last edited Jul 03, 2012 09:17PM) (new)

Marina some text


message 112: by Katrina (last edited Jul 03, 2012 09:24PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Alicia wrote: "Katrina wrote: "Yeah, see, I don't mind so much when it's just the normal juices and stuff, but when your hand's been fondling someone's brown-eye, you should probably hold it aloft as you run to t..."

I was so unbelievably grossed out. I remember reading the aftermath with Christian gathering her up in his arms or something (he did that a hell of a lot, didn't he?), and and it just sort of clicked. I did the whole head-cocked-to-the-side thing and my brow furrowed and I was like, "Ummmm...is he gonna....wash?" Then all I could think about was how he was smearing her own poop all over her as he rubbed her back, ran his stink finger through her hair, etc. Can you imagine if a guy touched your face after that?

Now I'm laughing again. Oh, that's so gross.


message 113: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Jane wrote: ""

Pope cat FTW!

Thanks for the blessing:D


Alicia (is beyond tired of your *ish) Katrina wrote: "Alicia wrote: "Katrina wrote: "Yeah, see, I don't mind so much when it's just the normal juices and stuff, but when your hand's been fondling someone's brown-eye, you should probably hold it aloft ..."

UGH UGH UGHHHHH. I'm a pretty bad germophobe under normal circumstances. The last M/M book I read they had just done the ass thing, and then they're cuddling in bed and then the one guy flips out and leaves. Puts on his clothes, goes out to his car, drives back to his sister-in-law's place, goes in and does shit and OMG. I'm not kidding, I was physically twitching. And it is incredibly rare to read about them washing their hands after in any erotica with anal play. WHYYYYYYYY. Why can't they throw us a bone?

And then we get to the surprise rimming. Which used to be rare but is now almost commonplace. *asylum time*


message 115: by Katrina (last edited Jul 03, 2012 09:40PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Alicia wrote: "Katrina wrote: "UGH UGH UGHHHHH. I'm a pretty bad germophobe under normal circumstances. The last M/M book I read they had just done the ass thing, and then they're cuddling in bed and then the one guy flips out and leaves. Puts on his clothes, goes out to his car, drives back to his sister-in-law's place, goes in and does shit and OMG. I'm not kidding, I was physically twitching. And it is incredibly rare to read about them washing their hands after in any erotica with anal play. WHYYYYYYYY. Why can't they throw us a bone?"

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I has a gif just for you!

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I am also a big germophobe, so the absence of basic hygiene in these books, gosh, it's like a nightmare.


Alicia (is beyond tired of your *ish) right click + save. I'll be using that gross one later.

I totally agree. I think these authors think it'll ruin the flow of the story. All I need is ONE short line that the person ran to wash their hands! Simple.


message 117: by Andrea (new) - rated it 1 star

Andrea M I felt the same way at the end!! I even texted my friend saying "Yes!! I finally finished that series!!" I do feel quite liberated and more at ease.. Just reading and enduring Anastasia's incessant "Oh Christian" or "I squirm" or any of the other annoying phrases she uses or the irritating way she behaves throughout the ENTIRE trilogy.


message 118: by [deleted user] (new)

Honestly hand sanitizer comes from Bath and Bodyworks in some very seductive scents.
"He placed a soft kiss upon her cheek while reaching for the warm vanilla sanitizer."
I'm still there. I'm still in the story. We're in the room, he likes to play the back nine and now he smells like warm vanilla and the sanitizer will do until he gets to a bathroom and scrubs like an effing surgeon.


message 119: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Andrea wrote: "I felt the same way at the end!! I even texted my friend saying "Yes!! I finally finished that series!!" I do feel quite liberated and more at ease.. Just reading and enduring Anastasia's incessant..."

It's liberating to be finished with it! That really might be something to praise. I could write a good blurb; "Read the Fifty Shades trilogy all the way to the end, and you'll understand how it feels to be truly free."


message 120: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Tara wrote: "Honestly hand sanitizer comes from Bath and Bodyworks in some very seductive scents.
"He placed a soft kiss upon her cheek while reaching for the warm vanilla sanitizer."
I'm still there. I'm sti..."


Yes! Yes! Thank you! That is an awesome idea.


message 121: by Erin (new) - added it

Erin Muses I completely agree with the just-wash-already! thing. I would not say that I'm a germaphobe necessarily, but there are just times that you need to clean that thing. Another thing that always gets me is that nobody ever pees after sex. I would be one huge, raging UTI if I had sex like these people (actually was once or thrice, and I learned my lesson).


message 122: by Ashley (new) - rated it 1 star

Ashley I got to a point where i was skipping through the sex scenes. You could always predict when one was coming on, they were always set up the same way with the same actions, words, and phrases. I have a really sensitive cheese-o-meter and these sex scenes were so cheesy, i wanted to kill myself. The worst was the phrase " cup my sex ". She used the word " wantonly " constantly and it is a word i have literally never heard used before in my life. Ana is such a complete idiot that the idea that she's an editor who spends her free time reading manuscripts is not only unbelievable, but also insulting to the reader's intelligence


message 123: by Ashley (new) - rated it 1 star

Ashley The GIF's in this review are hysterical. I keep coming back to this and it's giving me the strength to finish up this crappy trilogy


message 124: by Tze-Wen (new)

Tze-Wen Thank you from the bottom of my heart, because 1) now I don't have to go and read this drivel. EVER and 2) I've not enjoyed a book review (or three) so much in ages!


message 125: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Erin wrote: "I completely agree with the just-wash-already! thing. I would not say that I'm a germaphobe necessarily, but there are just times that you need to clean that thing. Another thing that always gets..."

Too true.


message 126: by Katrina (last edited Jul 06, 2012 05:00AM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Ashley wrote: "I got to a point where i was skipping through the sex scenes. You could always predict when one was coming on, they were always set up the same way with the same actions, words, and phrases. I have..."

Damn, go Ashley! I forgot about the "wantonly" repetition. Another word to add to the word list. I've been thinking of adding all the instances of "murmur", "mumble", and "whisper", as well. I've read "wanton" and its variations many times, but it mostly crops up in historical romance. I generally like the word, but E.L. James nearly ruined it. Along with a lot of other good ones. "Cup my sex" is just weird.

As someone who willingly proofreads and edits other peoples' work, it was very insulting to think someone as dimwitted as Ana could actually have that job. And she was head editor in what, like a week?

Ashley wrote: "The GIF's in this review are hysterical. I keep coming back to this and it's giving me the strength to finish up this crappy trilogy"

Lean on me, Ashley, you can do it. :D


message 127: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Tze-Wen wrote: "Thank you from the bottom of my heart, because 1) now I don't have to go and read this drivel. EVER and 2) I've not enjoyed a book review (or three) so much in ages!"

You're welcome on both counts, and thank you! So much:) I'm glad I aided in keeping so many others from making the mistake I did, hehe.


message 128: by Sarah (new) - rated it 2 stars

Sarah I agree with the word "murmurs." In the words of Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride, "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." And I threw the book on the floor twice: 1) when they get married after like five minutes (and she continues to ask, "Will I ever tire of looking at this man?" Yes, yes you will.) and 2) His reaction to her pregnancy and her consequent forgiveness. Really? Sickening.


message 129: by Katrina (last edited Jul 06, 2012 05:55AM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Sarah wrote: "I agree with the word "murmurs." In the words of Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride, "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." And I threw the book on the floo..."

That quote is such a fitting tribute to E.L. James and her limited vocabulary. Long live Inigo Montoya.

I would have thrown the book had I been reading a printed copy. I'm very protective of my Kindle, though. I feel bad for putting crap like this on it.


message 130: by Nickle Love (new)

Nickle Love (Night Owl Reads) Hahaha! I still enjoyed your review. I am sooo happy I didn't push through with reading the first book, if I had, I would have been compelled to read the rest because it's a series. :|


message 131: by Telisha (new)

Telisha I have never been provoked to want to read the Fifty Shades series, but curiosity almost got the better of me, so I looked at some reviews.

I'm going to confidently say you wrote your review better than her books.

jesus all the gifs made me laugh immensely, and the reviews. THANK YOU.


message 132: by Izzy (new)

Izzy Wow, I love this review. Seriously, I was brought in by the first book and then I got so angry, because why the fuck would you put yourself through this shit? Huh? This bullshit. Sorry, she can't be that naive, considering that we are bombard by pretty much porn everyday. How can you not know? Yes, she is absolutely gorgeous, of course!


message 133: by Lisa (new) - rated it 2 stars

Lisa Fair point well made Ms Katrina!!!

Reading your reviews made the torture of getting through this crappy trilogy a bit more worthwhile!!

I havent laughed so hard for ages (especially review #2


message 134: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Nickle wrote: "Hahaha! I still enjoyed your review. I am sooo happy I didn't push through with reading the first book, if I had, I would have been compelled to read the rest because it's a series. :|"

Indeed, count yourself lucky;)


message 135: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Telisha wrote: "I have never been provoked to want to read the Fifty Shades series, but curiosity almost got the better of me, so I looked at some reviews.

I'm going to confidently say you wrote your review bette..."


You're very welcome, and thank you!


message 136: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Izzy wrote: "Wow, I love this review. Seriously, I was brought in by the first book and then I got so angry, because why the fuck would you put yourself through this shit? Huh? This bullshit. Sorry, she can't b..."

Thank you:)

Ugh, I know, it was like she'd been raised in a shed out in the woods with no contact with the outside world.


message 137: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Lisa wrote: "Fair point well made Ms Katrina!!!

Reading your reviews made the torture of getting through this crappy trilogy a bit more worthwhile!!

I havent laughed so hard for ages (especially review #2"


Ha, nice reference;)

Thank you!


message 138: by Sharon (new)

Sharon Ran across your reviews for the books today and *LOVE* them! I am actually trudging through Book #1 (thank the good Lord I had the sense to take it out of the library instead of buying it) and the only thing that keeps me reading it just to see how bad it's gonna be. However, I don't think I have the strength to read the other two as you did. Oh how I wish reviews like yours and other people who have seen this book and trilogy for the crapfest that it is, could be gift wrapped and sent to E.L. James' home, as well as every network news program that felt it was their "duty" to interview her or talk about her waste of tree limbs/software space (for those who have it on an ereader). How I wish those programs would talk about the backlash against this garbage, or at the very least, Google "Snowqueens Icedragon" (which I have done) and right there, look at a copy of her fanfic, only to truly realize that yes...she *just* changed the names! Why, why, WHY isn't Stephanie Meyer sueing the daylights out of her??? How can this be legal??? HOW THE HECK CAN PEOPLE WHO'VE READ BOTH TWILIGHT AND THIS DEFEND IT AND SAY "they're completely different"???

Ok, I know, long-winded comment (more of a rant, really--sorry!) Did I mention I liked your reviews? :oP


message 139: by Lindsay (new) - rated it 1 star

Lindsay My review was similar. I do feel FREE after having turned the last page. I did a little dance I was so happy to be through.
Curious as to the word count of "mercurial." at least on per every 5 pages I'd guess! That's a whole lot of NOT thinking of something better to say! Eep!!


message 140: by Katrina (last edited Jul 10, 2012 11:23PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Sharon wrote: "Ran across your reviews for the books today and *LOVE* them! I am actually trudging through Book #1 (thank the good Lord I had the sense to take it out of the library instead of buying it) and the ..."

No apologies necessary, Sharon, rant away! If we can't vent to each other about this garbage, what can else can we do to purge the awful film that it leaves behind on our brains?

I really don't understand any of it. The popularity, the praise, the lack of coherent, public flagellation E.L. James should be suffering for ripping off someone else's story (badly) and raking in millions off the backs of hordes of repressed, bored housewives. *Sigh*

Now I've depressed myself, lol.

Thanks, I'm glad you liked them:)


message 141: by Katrina (last edited Jul 11, 2012 02:55PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Lindsay wrote: "My review was similar. I do feel FREE after having turned the last page. I did a little dance I was so happy to be through.
Curious as to the word count of "mercurial." at least on per every 5 pag..."


I recall walking to my bed, tossing my Kindle onto it, taking a deep breath, letting it out in a burst and saying, "Thank god." Then I took a hot shower and tried to forget, but I was torn because I still had the final review to write. It was a tough couple of days, hehe.

Another good one! Mercurial. I really need to start writing these down.


message 142: by Naurarwen (new)

Naurarwen Katrina wrote: "Naurarwen wrote: "I just want to say I have read all three of your reviews for Fifty Shades and trying not to be too forward but I think I love you. I sadly read this trilogy when it was still Mast..."

A friend of mine actually had a really good idea. If E.L ever came to a book signing near us we were going to go to it with a copy of Twilight and give it to her to sign when she says its not her book we were going to be like "Oh so sorry I mean their just so similar I must have picked up the wrong one when I left the house" just to see her reaction.


Amanda - Go Book Yourself BEST.REVIEW.EVER.


Krissy P (Kris) That was spectacular. I mistakingly took a drink while reading this and spit coffee across my desk and I nearly pissed myself laughing...for reals.

That was really funny. Thank you. I really needed a good laugh this morning. It's been one of those days. Great review again!


Alysha DeShaé I laughed harder at/with your reviews than I did at the books - and I laughed pretty damn hard at the books. I even fell off the bed once I was laughing so hard. Thank you for your reviews! I read all three and they were just fantastic! Much better than those horrific books... =^_^=


message 146: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Naurarwen wrote: "Katrina wrote: "Naurarwen wrote: "I just want to say I have read all three of your reviews for Fifty Shades and trying not to be too forward but I think I love you. I sadly read this trilogy when i..."

I think that would be priceless! "Are you sure this one isn't yours?" Heehee.


message 147: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Amanda wrote: "BEST.REVIEW.EVER."

Thank.You. :)


message 148: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Krissy wrote: "That was spectacular. I mistakingly took a drink while reading this and spit coffee across my desk and I nearly pissed myself laughing...for reals.

That was really funny. Thank you. I really need..."


Thanks again, Krissy! It still amazes me that I was able to make a couple of Fifty Shades fans laugh;)


message 149: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Alysha DeShaé wrote: "I laughed harder at/with your reviews than I did at the books - and I laughed pretty damn hard at the books. I even fell off the bed once I was laughing so hard. Thank you for your reviews! I re..."

Thanks. Alysha! I'm glad I was able to entertain:)


Krissy P (Kris) Katrina wrote: "Krissy wrote: "That was spectacular. I mistakingly took a drink while reading this and spit coffee across my desk and I nearly pissed myself laughing...for reals.

That was really funny. Thank you..."


Well if nothing else, I may have to re-evaluate my taste in romance novels. lol


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