Katrina Passick Lumsden's Reviews > Fifty Shades Darker

Fifty Shades Darker by E.L. James
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Dec 04, 13

Read from June 03 to 06, 2012

Yeah, I've continued with the series. Why, you ask? Why, when I so thoroughly despised Fifty Shades of Grey, would I do this to myself?

Why, for the fun factor, of course! Bad writing tends to make me giddy because I'm much better at being a horribly judgmental person critic than I am at....well, most anything else. Reading books this awful actually brings a certain amount of joy into my life. Plus, I had a few people tell me they couldn't wait for my reviews of the second and third Fifty books. Alas, here I am. Unfortunately (for me), Fifty Shades Darker wasn't quite as bad as as its predecessor. Don't get me wrong, it was still awful, but the rage-inducing badness of the first wasn't quite as powerful here. Or maybe I've built up a bit of an immunity. No matter, it's still bad, and I'm still going to have a hell of a lot of fun writing about it. Now, the first installment in this series made me so angry, I could barely write a coherent review. I'll be using more source material this time around (but don't worry, there will still be gifs).

Very first sentence:
"He's come back. Mommy's asleep or she's sick again."

My reaction to that sentence was a snort of laughter.

We begin with a prologue of Christian Grey having a night terror regarding a childhood memory. I simply couldn't help laughing when his mom's pimp treated me to six utterances of, "You are one fucked-up bitch." In a row.

After the prologue, we're right back in Anastasia's head (it's a good thing there's room for us in there). We're treated to a chapter of her wallowing in depression and self-pity while wasting away because Christian isn't there to remind her that eating is a fundamental aspect of survival. We're also introduced to Ana's new job at SIP, a small publishing company, and to her new boss. Mr. Jack Hyde.

Mr. Hyde? Really?

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Psst! He's a villain! It isn't at all obvious, either. Total surprise.

After what seems a rather generous amount of whining from Ana, she and Christian are back together. Yay! All that screwed-up physical violence forgotten. It's so sweet, too, their reunion. Christian asks Ana why she didn't safeword in the midst of his assault (which occurred at the end of the first book), and she admits that she was overwhelmed and just...forgot. Call me crazy, but to me, this is understandable. You're not used to this consensual punishment thing (not to mention the fact that you never explicitly consented in the first place) and your man is enjoying viciously turning your ass into a slab of raw beef, and you forget there's an easy way out of it. I get that. Christian, not so much. He asks how he's ever going to trust her again. And Ana? She apologizes.

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Was I angry when I read that? Shit, yes, but thankfully, things ended up taking a turn. Ana sort of starts to stand up for herself and Christian begins to catch on that he's a total d-bag and maybe he should tone it down. This is where the story changed for me. It went from all-out rage-inducing (like the first book), to incomprehensible hilarity. I had thought the first line was good, but in comparison, lines like this are pure comedic gold:

"I want you, and the thought of anyone else having you is like a knife twisting in my dark soul."

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Oh my, it's my dream man. He's crazy with a side of fries and he utters the worst romanticisms this side of a Nicholas Sparks novel.

The sex scenes are tamer in terms of their content, but they're also extremely limited in terms of content. The same thing happens every time; Christian flashes Ana a "look", during which his eyes darken (he might have a serious ocular condition), desire "pools in her belly", some undressing occurs, then there's nipple teasing, he blows, sucks, nips, licks, whatever, and she is usually pretty passive, save for her gyrating hips, which were once "caught up in his cool vanilla spell" (I couldn't make this shit up), and then....Ana explodes.

WARNING: Graphic Visual Interpretation of Christian and Ana's Sex (view spoiler)

Oh, and she apparently loses consciousness after every orgasm. Why is this happening? She might be anemic. She should get that checked out.

There was one really gross sex scene, though. The ice cream scene. Christian is dripping ice cream all over Ana, and I was going, "Ewwww!" because I really hate the stickiness of sugary foods anywhere on my body, and can you imagine that shit getting in your hair? (Oh, hush). Whatever, that's not the point. The point is, this doesn't sound right: "He shifts lower and starts eating the ice cream in my belly..."

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It's the Zombie plague! It's got hold of Fifty! It's Fifty shades of viscera!!
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RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!

Aaaanywho, where was I? Oh, right, the sex. Boring. Even more boring than in the first book because the same wording is used for nearly every scene. And since there are a lot of sex scenes, I experienced no less than 15 instances of deja vu. Even my inner voice sounded bored; "He slides his fingers in and swirls, blah blah blah, erection digging into my hip, yadda yadda, gotta remember to pick up milk at the store tomorrow..."

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The tiresomely redundant writing would probably be a little easier to deal with if not for the fact that the majority of it is used to express the thoughts of what is unquestionably the dumbest character in the history of literature. Ana is a mental midget. This is not about her choices, it's about her inability to comprehend even the simplest of concepts. I think my favorite demonstration was during a charity auction Christian's parents were hosting. One of Christian's "ex-subs" (that's ex-submissive for those who aren't in the know *wink wink*) is wandering around, apparently armed and gunning for Ana. Or Christian. We never really know for sure, but anyway, because of this threat, Christian has hired more security. Taylor, Christian's chief bodyguard, now has three guys under his command, and all four of them are cruising the party, keeping an eye out for Ms. Small, Dark, and Nutsy. After watching a fireworks display (during which Ana was awed like a fucking four-year-old), I was treated to this exchange:

Christian: "Stay with me a moment. Taylor wants us to wait while the crowd disperses."
Ana: (thinks) Oh.
Christian: "I think that fireworks display probably aged him a hundred years."
Ana: "Doesn't he like fireworks?"

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That's not even the best part, though. The best part is Christian's reaction:

"Christian gazes down at me fondly and shakes his head but doesn't elaborate."

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I had a really hard time not imagining what went through Christian's mind. You know what I'm talking about. "Oh, darling, it's a good thing you're hot. Otherwise I'd take you up in Charlie Tango right now and push you out somewhere over the Space Needle."

There were times, of course, when the idiocy wasn't restricted to Ana and her vacuous noggin. At one point, Christian and Ana are discussing his crazy ex-sub, Leila, and Ana can tell Christian is holding something back, so she snaps at Christian to tell her what's going on.

"She managed to obtain a concealed weapons permit yesterday."

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Really? I know E.L. James is a Brit, and yeah, maybe she views this as the United States of Barbarity, but you can't just wander into a fucking gun store and ask for a goddamn CPL. In fact, in Washington state, it can take up to 60 days for an out-of-state resident to receive theirs, and that's after the background check. The stupid doesn't end there, though.

"Oh shit. I gaze at him, blinking, and feel the blood draining from my face as I absorb this news. I may faint. Suppose she wants to kill him? No. “That means she can just buy a gun,” I whisper."

Well, sure, if she wants to be all obvious about it. I kinda figured she'd go the subtle route and get herself a bunny.

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It was during moments like that when I wished I knew Ana in real life, simply for of the amount of fun that could be had fucking with her.

"Ana, you don't understand. It's so much worse than that. A concealed weapons permit means she can buy a concealed weapon. Concealed weapons are....invisible."

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Did I mention Ana's dumb? Well, guess what? She also has the emotional maturity of a fruit fly. It's worse than hanging out with a love-sick 14-year-old. Why? Because it's hanging out with a love-sick 21-year-old with the emotional maturity of a fruit fly. I thought I made this clear. You know who else made it clear? E.L. James. I was beaten over the head over and over and over again with Ana's self-doubt and insecurities. She's so unsure of herself, in fact, that she keeps asking the reader questions; "What is he trying to tell me?" "What does he/she mean?" "What is going on?" "What should I do?" "Where is our relationship going?" "What was that about?" "Where are we going?" "What is he planning?" "What is he gonna do?" "How does he know?"

Hey, Ana! Guess what?!

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When she's not whining, crying, giggling, getting railed, or giving herself a migraine trying to think, she's going on and on in these relentless inner diatribes about how hot/sexy/adorable/god-like/beautiful Christian is, and joy is erupting inside her every time she realizes she's with him, and she gets a warm feeling whenever she thinks about how much she lurves him, and on and on and ooooon. Her inner goddess (ridiculous metaphor for her vagina) is still annoyingly present, and her subconscious has gotten even bitchier (just how Ana knows what's going on in her subconscious has yet to be determined). One of the best parts about her inner dialogue is that she's always telling us what's going on after we've had the scene described to us. And several times she reacts with astounded shock that someone *gasp* changed the subject. (No. I am not fucking kidding.)

Ana is that special friend you end up wanting to choke to death every time you talk to her, but you don't have the ambition to tell her to go fuck herself with a rake, so you avoid her when you can, and when you can't, you sit around listening to her inane babbling like...

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Her insecurity reaches monumental, mind-blowing levels, however, when she finds Leila (remember her?) in her apartment. Lord Fisterbottom rushes in to save the day, of course, but then Ana watches him go all "Dom" on Leila to defuse the situation. Then he ends up at Leila's side, stroking her hair, trying to chillaxe the crazy broad, and Ana starts getting jealous! Right there, I'm not kidding! She doesn't want to leave the apartment because she's afraid of what will happen between Christian and Loony Tunes! Taylor has to forcibly remove Ana from her apartment, and the whole time we're treated to Ana's bullshit thoughts regarding whether or not Christian is going to leave her for Leila.

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Fucked up, right? There's a time and a place for insecurity; that ain't it.

Oh, then she finds out Christian gave Leila a bath. What that has to do with the story, I have no idea.

So are you getting the gist? Lots and lots of melodrama. Well, we haven't gotten to Christian's melodrama yet, so prepare yourselves. He starts freaking out on Ana, telling her she can't leave, she means everything to him, he needs her, blah blah blah, and then....then he says, "I'm a sadist, Ana. I like to whip little brown-haired girls like you because you all look like the crack whore - my birth mother."












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Say what? Normal reaction to this is revulsion and horror. To give her some credit, Ana is a little horrified. Does she leave?

"Then it hit me like a wrecking ball. If he's a sadist, he really needs all that whipping and caning shit. Oh fuck. I put my head in my hands. "So it's true," I whisper, glancing up at him, "I can't give you what you need." This is it - this really does mean we are incompatible."

Oh, for fuck's sake.

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That is not the proper response to your boyfriend's revelation that he likes to abuse and sex you because you look like his mom! This is:

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*Sigh*

There's also a helicopter crash, a marriage proposal, a showdown with an ephebophile, and an attempted rape. Why? Because why the fuck not?

I don't even know where to go from here. This book is ridiculous. Even more so than the first since it's trying to sell the reader on this impossible scenario. You cannot change an abusive man, and it is dangerous folly to try. Quit romanticizing it. Fantasy is one thing, impossible delusions are quite another.

I suppose I'll close with one of my favorite lines from the mind of the magnificently inept Miss Steele:

"Raiding the fridge once more, I gather potatoes, ham, and - Yes! - peas from the freezer."

Yes!
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Peas!!!
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Word Count:
"Oh my" - 47
"Crap" - 36
"Jeez" - 84
"Holy (shit/fuck/crap/hell/cow/moses)" - 124
"Whoa" - 30
"Gasp" - 44
"Gasps" - 17
"Sharp Intake of Breath" - 5
"Murmur" - 91
"Murmurs" - 194
"Whisper" - 140
"Whispers" - 113
"Mutter" - 71
"Mutters" - 48
"Fifty" - 95
"Lip" - 47
"Inner goddess" - 58
"Subconscious" - 59

And I'm out.

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Click here to read my review of Fifty Shades of Grey
Click here to read my review of Fifty Shades Freed
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Reading Progress

06/03/2012 "Haven't started it yet. Still recovering from the first. Unlike the people who became addicted to this series, I'm having the opposite reaction. Do I have to? Ugh, I suppose I do..." 10 comments
06/03/2012
1.0% "A few pages in and I'm laughing.

"His mom, the crack whore?"

Lol, who PHRASES it that way?"
06/04/2012
17.0% "79 Notes Marks. Yeah, already.

Christian: "Well? Your last meal?"

Me: "Is he finally going to kill her?!?!?"

Alas, no:("
06/04/2012
28.0% "118 Notes and Marks. I can't help it, there are so many things wrong with this.

"...and the thought of someone else having you is like a knife twisting in my dark soul."

*Choked laughter*

If a guy said that to me, I'd call him a vagina and walk away laughing." 2 comments
06/05/2012
58.0% "Oh myyyyyy....is this ever going to end? I mean, holy cow!" 1 comment

Comments (showing 251-300 of 839) (839 new)


message 251: by Katrina (last edited Jul 20, 2012 06:13PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Lindsey wrote: "Really it's a shit summer read for shits and giggles. If you sat down and cut a porn set by set it would be no differnt you'd find plot holes and a whole lot of SEX!!!! It's mom porn and if you think your going to get some deep meaning to it good luck finding it! I think it's not as bad as you put it some parts are awful yes but if you get throught he first chapter and think you are going to be reading the next best book well your as dumb as ANA is lol. The topic it's self is taboo and it's thats to shock and thats the point so read it for what it is and enjoy the simpleness of the books and that it's a SUMMER read or don't and shut up about it if you hate that much why read it to blog about now thats stupid"

Lindsey, after reading this comment several times in an attempt to ascertain that it is, in fact, written in English, I have to tell you that, judging by your grammar skills, it is not at all surprising to me that you a) love the Fifty Shades trilogy, and b) have nothing better to do than insult those who don't.

You are one classy broad, and you give this book's fan base quite a boost in respectability.


message 252: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Marissa wrote: "Hahahahahaha! Gosh, reading your review is so much fun. XD"

Thanks, Marissa ;)


message 253: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Leanne wrote: "can i get a word count on 'release' please? i feel like it should be up at least over 25..."

Oohhh, thank you! Another one to add to the growing list.

'Release'

FSoG - 17
FSD - 12
FSF - 21


message 254: by Katrina (last edited Jul 20, 2012 05:59PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Suzanne wrote: "I had some of the exact same thoughts as you while I read these first two books, and yet here I am halfway done with the third! You expressed my sentiments perfectly.

And your review of the first ..."


Thanks, Suzanne!

I'd say it was your inner goddess. Your subconscious is an elusive creature, not prone to tears.


message 255: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Katt wrote: "Now I know I love you...and chicks don't normally do it for me.... XD"

Well, color me flattered (and a wee bit turned on). XD

What color would flattered be, do you think?

Anyway, thanks;)


message 256: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Gemma wrote: "well its official, your 50 shades reviews are the funniest things EVER !
I have never read any of the 50 shades books but did have a grim curiosity but u have now satisfied these and i will stick ..."


Thanks, Gemma!

Glad I could help.


message 257: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Justin wrote: "I am still laughing from these reviews, that gif of Bloo perfectly summed up my reaction to some of this stuff. Either that or Tyrion tapping the chair, or Spongebob and Patrick snickering.

Good l..."


I'd blush, but that's silly and girlish.

Thank you, Justin;)


message 258: by Katrina (last edited Jul 20, 2012 06:07PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Lindsey wrote: "For some one who hates the book you sure go out of your way to bash it and if you hate so much why did you read the whole trilogy?? I's a summer mom porn read. If you cut up a movie porn you'd find..."

Lindsey? Is that you again? Girl, what are you doing? Did you forget you'd been here already?

I know the internet can be a confusing place, but really. I mean, you were just here. And your comments are almost identical....have you been getting into the bong water again?

Oh, I see. Your comments are nine hours apart. So you've just been filling your day with the unparalleled joy of exploding bad grammar all over those who dare to dislike a particular book.

Good for you, cupcake. Good for you.


message 259: by Jamie Marie (new)

Jamie Marie I haven't even read the books, and don't want to. A friend linked your reviews, and I'm only thankful for these books, so I can read your take on them. Hahahahaha.


message 260: by Hockeygirl27 (new)

Hockeygirl27 THANK YOU for the comment re: Christian's Oedipus Complex. I cannot understand why no one notices this/is appropriately horrified by it.


message 261: by Katrina (new)

Katrina OMG!!! That was an amazing laugh. When are you writing a book?


message 262: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Jamie wrote: "I haven't even read the books, and don't want to. A friend linked your reviews, and I'm only thankful for these books, so I can read your take on them. Hahahahaha."

Thank you, Jamie! It's strange how I've inadvertently made people happy about the existence of trash, lol.


message 263: by Katrina (last edited Jul 20, 2012 07:53PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Hockeygirl27 wrote: "THANK YOU for the comment re: Christian's Oedipus Complex. I cannot understand why no one notices this/is appropriately horrified by it."

I can't wrap my brain banana around it, either, Hockeygirl. I mean, can you imagine? If some guy told me he liked abusing me sexually because I reminded him of mommy dearest, I would run away from him so fast it would reverse time.

Not enough showers in the world.


message 264: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Katrina wrote: "OMG!!! That was an amazing laugh. When are you writing a book?"

When I develop even the tiniest sliver of ambition;)

Thank you!


message 265: by Alexandria (new)

Alexandria I just have to say.....I think I love you! :D That is all!


message 266: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Vamptastica wrote: "I just have to say.....I think I love you! :D That is all!"

You're gonna make me go all girly giggly. Don't do that.

;)


message 267: by Blanca17 (new)

Blanca17 Katrina, I WORSHIP your review for the 50 shades books. Seriously, the number of laughs my sister and I have had over them... It's ridiculous! And the gifs are the cherry on top. Please keep writing wonderfully sarcastic reviews like this because they make my day!


message 268: by Candy (new) - rated it 1 star

Candy Amazing review yet again!


Lindsey Cook I am so very sorry that I didn't boost your ego some more and make your head a little bigger then it is. When you do a blog not everyone is going to like what you have to say too bad you can't take that. You have to bash the person that has a differnt thoughts then you. I'm sorry but I think it's very dumb to read three books that you hate! Why not read books you like? Oh ya then you wouldn't have anyone to bitch to I get it now wow how could I not have seen that before???


message 270: by Jamie Marie (new)

Jamie Marie Katrina wrote: "Jamie wrote: "I haven't even read the books, and don't want to. A friend linked your reviews, and I'm only thankful for these books, so I can read your take on them. Hahahahaha."

Thank you, Jami..."


LOL. I think you should do stand-up comedy. Your way of conversation is seriously addicting. I just want to hold up some random object and be like, "HEY, what do you think of this?" just so I can hear your amazing wit. :)


message 271: by Tara (new)

Tara I read the first book, but I find your reviews are all I need to finish the series. So much more entertaining that the books (or at least the one book I have read).


message 272: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Blanca17 wrote: "Katrina, I WORSHIP your review for the 50 shades books. Seriously, the number of laughs my sister and I have had over them... It's ridiculous! And the gifs are the cherry on top. Please keep writin..."

Why, thank you, Blanca! I will attempt to do these justice one day;)


message 273: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Candy wrote: "Amazing review yet again!"

Thanks, Candy =)


message 274: by Katrina (last edited Jul 21, 2012 10:49AM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Lindsey wrote: "I am so very sorry that I didn't boost your ego some more and make your head a little bigger then it is. When you do a blog not everyone is going to like what you have to say too bad you can't take..."

I'm sorry you didn't boost my ego, either! That would have been much more pleasant.

Photobucket


message 275: by Katrina (last edited Jul 21, 2012 10:48AM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Jamie wrote: "Katrina wrote: "Jamie wrote: "I haven't even read the books, and don't want to. A friend linked your reviews, and I'm only thankful for these books, so I can read your take on them. Hahahahaha."
..."


Well, thank you, Jamie! I've never thought of myself as particularly funny, maybe mildly so, so the reception of these reviews has sort of shocked me.

I'm not always on, believe me. Sometimes I'm dull as ditch water, lol.


message 276: by Katrina (last edited Jul 21, 2012 12:00PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Tara wrote: "I read the first book, but I find your reviews are all I need to finish the series. So much more entertaining that the books (or at least the one book I have read)."

Thanks, Tara!

I will say the second book is probably the most entertaining. At least, I got the most laughs out of it. My overall reactions played out in a similar way to the psychological reactions after an emotionally significant event. I think perhaps a psychiatrist should study it because it went a little something like this:

Fifty Shades of Grey - Shock and rage
Fifty Shades Darker - Hilarity and mania
Fifty Shades Freed - Depression and desolation

I think for now I'll call it the Fifty Shades Trauma Wheel.


message 277: by Cameron (new)

Cameron Santos This review is wonderful, my belly aches (:. Regarding the gun part though, I recently read this stat blogged from Michael Moore on guns: In one year, GUNS murdered
35 in Australia,
39 in England & Wales,
194 in Germany,
200 in Canada, &
9,484 in the United States. Makes me scared for my children.
Oh and her mentions of 'inner goddess' in book one made me want to slap the nearest thing lol. Great reviews.


message 278: by Katrina (last edited Jul 21, 2012 12:13PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Cameron wrote: "This review is wonderful, my belly aches (:. Regarding the gun part though, I recently read this stat blogged from Michael Moore on guns: In one year, GUNS murdered
35 in Australia,
39 in England & Wales,
194 in Germany,
200 in Canada, &
9,484 in the United States."


First of all, guns didn't murder anyone. People with guns murdered other people. You have to appropriately assign blame and balance the statistics based on regional appropriation of weapons.

From Chad Perrin:

"In or about 2006, there were about 60 million (actually closer to 58M, but we'll use the rounded-up number to be kind to hopolophobes) people in the UK as a whole, including Scotland.

In England and Wales alone — discounting Scotland — there were over 163 thousand knife crimes.

By the end of 2006, there were more than 300 million people in the US as a whole.

In the US as a whole, there were fewer than 400 thousand gun crimes.

In the UK, based on these numbers, there was one knife crime commited for every 374 people (rounded down).

In the US, based on these numbers, there was one gun crime committed for every 750 people — less than half a gun crime per 374 people (about 0.4987 gun crimes per 374 people, actually).

That means that, based on these statistics, you are more than twice as likely to be a victim of knife crime in the UK as you are to be a victim of gun crime in the US."


People are going to kill each other whether they have guns to do so or not. We should all be scared for our children, not because we live in a society with guns, but because we live in a society, period.

But thank you, Cameron, I'm glad you enjoyed the review! =)


message 279: by Natalia (new)

Natalia I've been reading Goodreads' reviews for a while, but I was too lazy to register and comment or write reviews. But then I read your reviews of Fifty Shades of Grey... Oh my God, I think the whole neighborhood heard my crazy laugh! Like Stephanie, I almost cried from laughing so hard.

I must confess to you that I only registered on Goodreads to tell you that your reviews are awesome! I'm reading the first book of this annoying series and reviews like yours make this reading less painful and more fun, haha.

Keep writing, girl! You have a true talent. :)

PD: Sorry for any spelling errors, English is not my first language. :P


message 280: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Natalia wrote: "I've been reading Goodreads' reviews for a while, but I was too lazy to register and comment or write reviews. But then I read your reviews of Fifty Shades of Grey... Oh my God, I think the whole n..."

Aw, thank you, Natalia! This really is one of the nicest comments I've gotten =)

If you need anyone to vent to while reading the book, I'm here and more than happy to listen. I shared the burden with my sister-in-law (we read the books at the same time), and it made the whole ordeal much easier to bear.

If you hadn't said English wasn't your first language, I would never have known! You have a much better grasp of grammar than 90% of native English users I've seen.


message 281: by Natalia (new)

Natalia Katrina wrote: "Natalia wrote: "I've been reading Goodreads' reviews for a while, but I was too lazy to register and comment or write reviews. But then I read your reviews of Fifty Shades of Grey... Oh my God, I t..."

Oh, thank you so much! Your comment is really nice too. :)

And yeah, I have the feeling that I'm going to come back soon to rage against this whiny and immature "heroine". Ugh, I hate her so much, haha.


message 282: by Jamie Marie (new)

Jamie Marie Katrina wrote: "Jamie wrote: "Katrina wrote: "Jamie wrote: "I haven't even read the books, and don't want to. A friend linked your reviews, and I'm only thankful for these books, so I can read your take on them. ..."

LOLOLOL


message 283: by Alexandra (new)

Alexandra Thank you for being so blunt and honest about the books! I only wish I could be as hilarious as you! You had my laughing from the first to last word, Thanks!


message 284: by Willie (new)

Willie OK, I had to pipe in after reading these reviews - which are HEE-LARIOUS btw, gifs or no gifs!

A friend posted a link to one of the book reviews, and I had to check it out because I've been hearing comments about "50 Shades..." and I'd NO clue what it was about.

The scary thing is, there are people like Ana out there...I've been working with a woman, in her 30s, who's let loose such gems as "What's Lennon doing buried in Moscow? I thought he was from England." We
said LENIN, NOT LENNON, you..... or " I didn't know that Greece was having money problems...."

This author HAS to be basing this Ana character off of this woman.

I have to go read the review of the third book now....


message 285: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Alexandra wrote: "Thank you for being so blunt and honest about the books! I only wish I could be as hilarious as you! You had my laughing from the first to last word, Thanks!"

Thank you, Alexandra! I really appreciate it, and am glad I could make you laugh:)


message 286: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Willie wrote: "OK, I had to pipe in after reading these reviews - which are HEE-LARIOUS btw, gifs or no gifs!

A friend posted a link to one of the book reviews, and I had to check it out because I've been hearin..."


Hahahaha! Thank you, Willie =) I'm so sorry you have to listen to that. I used to be friends with a girl like that. Actual conversational exchange we once had:

(Discussing pet policy in apartments)

Her: "I mean, since when are fish animals?"

Me: *Stunned look quickly followed by peals of laughter*

Her: "Oh, you know what I mean! I mean they're like, mammals. Right?"

Me: *Still laughing* "NO! They're fish!"

I was laughing so hard I fell over on the floor and her boyfriend looked at her and said, "Look what you did. You broke Katie."


message 287: by Willie (new)

Willie WOW.

We might be talking about the same person. I'd hate to think there are 2 "Chrissy Snow"s walking around out there.


message 288: by Katrina (last edited Jul 22, 2012 01:14AM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Willie wrote: "WOW.

We might be talking about the same person. I'd hate to think there are 2 "Chrissy Snow"s walking around out there."


There are indeed two. o_O


message 289: by A.M. (new) - rated it 2 stars

A.M. Hudson "It's Fifty shades of viscera!!"

I laughed so hard while reading this review, I actually snorted. Love it (the review).


message 290: by Sean (new)

Sean Purdie Your reviews actually make me happy that this travesty was written. You, my friend, are hilarious!


message 291: by Gloria (new)

Gloria Diaz This was a funny review to read. These books aren't great, but they are entertaining in sort of a guilty pleasure sort of way. Just read the second one, and will read the third. The repetition is unbelievable though.


message 292: by Meridian (new)

Meridian Jeremy Brett GIF...Lord Fisterbottom...I'll be giggling for DAYS!

It's demoralizing how much better-written and better-planned even the fkng TWILIGHT SERIES is compared with this abusive, humiliation-based claptrap.

Also, at least Edward TRIED to make Bella happy...he WANTED to make Bella HAPPY. HE DID NOT WANT TO BRUISE HER, HUMILIATE HER, PUNISH HER AND MAKE HER BLEED.

Bella might have been super-stupid and purposefully naive, but NOTHING compare to Ana, who I'm still not sure even knows how to chew food AND swallow it.


message 293: by Lisa (new)

Lisa Your review had me laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes! Totally loved your gifs. I am sorry you read the last book though. I made myself quit after the second one, ELJ's attempt to have a plot with Mr Hyde had me cringing so hard I might need an operation on my toes. Kudos to you my dear on your iron stomach.


message 294: by Stephanie (new)

Stephanie I read the first book. I was so horrified by the writing I stopped there. This review of the second book had me LMAO! Thanks for the summary. I have no need to read the 2nd and 3rd books now.


message 295: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden A.m. wrote: ""It's Fifty shades of viscera!!"

I laughed so hard while reading this review, I actually snorted. Love it (the review)."


Thanks, A.m. =)


message 296: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Sean wrote: "Your reviews actually make me happy that this travesty was written. You, my friend, are hilarious!"

Aw, thanks, Sean =)


message 297: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Kikid wrote: "Bless you for this fantastic review that not only saved me from having to read the tripe that is the 50 Shades series, but has made me laugh harder than I have in quite a while. (My hubby keeps eyi..."

Thanks, Kikid! =)

I keep getting women in trouble with their husbands/boyfriends;)


message 298: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Gloria wrote: "This was a funny review to read. These books aren't great, but they are entertaining in sort of a guilty pleasure sort of way. Just read the second one, and will read the third. The repetition is u..."

Thanks, Gloria:)

They were entertaining to me in an "incomprehensible hilarity" way;)


message 299: by Katrina (last edited Jul 23, 2012 11:30AM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Meridian wrote: "Jeremy Brett GIF...Lord Fisterbottom...I'll be giggling for DAYS!

It's demoralizing how much better-written and better-planned even the fkng TWILIGHT SERIES is compared with this abusive, humiliat..."


You're right, Edward felt bad when he bruised Bella. It's sad that Twilight has indeed been vindicated somewhat. It is not, after all, the worst book out there.


message 300: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Dawn wrote: "Katrina, you are incredible! I have not read the book, just the first two pages which was garbage of epic proportions. I would rather toss myself -repeatedly- from a skyscraper. I absolutely love t..."

Thank you much, Dawn! =D


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