Katrina Passick Lumsden's Reviews > Fifty Shades of Grey

Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James
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Jul 26, 2014

did not like it
Read from June 01 to 02, 2012

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What in the hell just happened? Did I really read that? Oh, my god, I did. I did read that.

Meet Anastasia Steele:
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Ana is just a giant mess of a human being. She's insecure to the point of it being laughable, 'klutzy' (even though she only trips twice in the entire book), and a complete ditz. She's a virgin (of course) who's never taken any sexual interest in anyone before. Right. I'm fairly certain there hasn't been a woman this naive since 'round about 1954. At one point, she thinks putting her hair in pigtails will keep her safe from Christian's lusty advances. Fuckin' really? She "flushes" constantly, and on several occasions referred to her hoo-hoo-naughty place as "down there."

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Next, we have Christian Grey:
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Christian is a misogynistic, self-loathing, abusive piece of shit. Apparently, his only redeeming qualities are, in this order; his ridiculous good looks, his money, and his giant penis. The only time Ana seems to like him as a person is when he's being "lovable", and those times are few and far between. Most of the time he's serious, brooding, and threatening. How charming.

I knew from the very first line this wasn't going to be good.

"I scowl with frustration at myself in the mirror."

It was cemented that early, my deep, deep dislike for this moronic, simpering asshole. Your hair won't behave? Guess what?

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My suspicions were confirmed a few pages later when Ana admits that any "sympathy" she feels for her sick friend is "unwelcome". Unwelcome, apparently because her friend is beautiful, even when she has the flu...? What a petty, jealous cunt.

The only thing that made the first 4% of this book tolerable was the fact that I read it aloud to my younger brother, and his frequent commentary was amusingly distracting. Once he gave up, however, I had to travel the rest of the road alone. What a painful journey it was.

My first impressions of Ana were bad (deservedly so). What were my first impressions of Christian? Well...

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That's how I felt about Christian Grey. From the beginning. Any time an author tries to sell me on a character's "charm" by waxing hormonal about how "ridiculously good-looking" he is, I snicker inwardly. I can't think why....

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Huh.

Anyway, after reading about the description of Christian's building (hello, first penis metaphor), I had to sit through the awful dialogue between these smarmy idiots and hope beyond hope that something, anything, would distract me enough to see me through to the end. Turns out, I found something about 15% through. I went back and counted, and kept track throughout the rest of the book, and do you have any idea how many fucking times Ana said "Oh my" in this monumentally bad missive? Do you? I'll tell you; 79! 79 motherfucking times. "He pulled me back against his chest...oh my." "He began kissing a trail down my belly, oh my." "He's an insufferable douchenozzle, oh my!" (I'm just thankful that neither lions, tigers, nor bears were brought into this mess at any point.)

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About halfway through, I wished I'd been keeping track of the word "crap" because Ana is constantly saying/thinking it. Crap, Holy Crap, Double and Triple Crap, Oh Crap, This Crap, That Crap, any and all Crap. Speaking of crap, if I ever, ever ever have to hear/read the words "inner goddess" again, I'm going to construct a pyre out of tampons and maxi pads, light it, and toss unsuspecting women into it.

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^My inner goddess will cap yours in the face if you don't shut the fuck up^

I'm sorry, I just couldn't take any of this seriously. His playroom. His playroom? Really?

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Or how about his weird-ass issues with food? He wants the girl slim and in shape, yet he won't stop trying to force her to eat!

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I simply love the attempt E.L. James made at giving these pathetic shells personalities. Ana wears Converse, drives a vintage car, and likes classic British lit. *Yawn* haven't heard any of that before. And Christian; we know Christian's super deep and sophisticated because he plays the piano and listens to obscure classical music. This is how we know Edward Christian is really just a lost soul in need of love; his love of music. Everyone knows that no one threatening listens to music. Music lovers just aren't capable of doing anything bad.

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^Surprise! Psychos like music, too.^

Since this is considered nothing more than "mommy porn", I will attempt to pander to that particular demographic for a moment. Were the sex scenes well-written? Well, none of it was particularly well-written. The sex scenes could be kind of...honestly, they were kind of boring. I've had more exciting sex myself, so I guess reader response to the sex scenes is dependent on reader experience. There's nothing revolutionary here, and a lot of it is just plain unrealistic. I mean, come on, he pretty much jackhammers her hymen and she walks away with nothing more than a passing, pleasant soreness? Riiiight. How about the time he gives her a handjob with a soapy washcloth? Hello? Apparently neither one of them has ever heard of a urinary tract infection. Oh, or we could talk about her first time giving Christian a blowjob, during which Ana established herself as some kind of Queen of Deepthroat.

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Anyone wanna hear about the tampon scene? Oh, you've already heard about the tampon scene? Yeah, same here, although hearing about it and reading the actual scene are a bit different. For some reason, you imagine it being worse than it actually is, while at the same time, reading about it is more horrifying than you could possibly imagine.

"He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string...what! And...gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet."

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Look, I'm not against sex during menses, but a guy plucking out a girl's tampon? Yeah, gross. I'm not a prude, but there are certain lines people just shouldn't cross. What makes it worse is that Christian is just thrilled that Ana's raggin' because he hates using condoms.

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Apparently, Mr. GinormoDick doesn't know that a woman can get pregnant while on her period. Which is hilarious considering all the teaching and training he's doing to remedy Ana's sexual ignorance.

Sexual dependence, thy name is Anastasia Steele. We're supposed to believe that this girl has gone 21 years neither having had sex nor masturbating? Hm. Well, Christian's supposed sexual prowess makes a bit more sense now, as does Ana's assertion that he has a giant bologna wand. She has absolutely zero experience, and she's never once had anything "in there". Thing could be the size of a baby carrot and she'd still be like, "Oh, my glob! How is it ever going to fit?!"

It's good that she stockpiled all those potential orgasms, though, because now she's capable of having like, 15 a day or something. It's ridiculous. Come to think of it, Christian's obsession with her eating habits makes a bit more sense now. She was probably beginning to look like something out of a horror movie.

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Seriously, though, are we going to take the word of a girl who is apparently so undersexed she's never even masturbated? I guess I can sort of understand this obsession with some kind of an awakening, but...really? "Oh, he's soooo good in bed!" How the hell would she know?! She has absolutely nothing with which to compare, not even her own damn hand!

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Now I'll be totally honest, the biggest issue I have with Fifty Shades of Shit is neither the sex nor the horrible writing. It's the plot. Thin as it is, it's still there, its core message being that, given enough time, you can change someone. While I don't have any problem with this if all you're trying to do is help them to lose weight or quit smoking, when you're talking about an emotionally and (dangerously close to) physically abusive relationship, sending that kind of message is ridiculous and irresponsible. Christian is controlling, possessive, condescending, and cruel. He doesn't allow Ana to behave as she normally would, and Ana just puts up with it, insistent that if she can give him what he wants, when he wants, as often as he wants, she can eventually begin to pull his strings. Will it work? In the books, probably. In real life? No. Almost never. How many misguided women are going to waste their lives on some emotionally retarded prick because they've read shit like this and think this kind of fucked-up fairytale will come true for them? I've known women with this mentality. "Oh, he's so dark and dangerous and threatening, but he's got a sad, lonely side, and if I could just figure out what's wrong, I could change him!"

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Wake the fuck up! He may be hot, he may have a huge dick, he may even be rich, that doesn't make him a good person. It doesn't even make him a potentially good person. Quit.Being.A.Fucking.Idiot. (Look, I can make my words Staccato like Christian. Now hold still while I choke you until you pass out...)

Image and video hosting by TinyPic^Ana and Christian^ - "I said don't roll your eyes at me!!"

Christian stalks Ana (which she turns into a fucking joke), and whispers things to her "threateningly". She's constantly afraid he's going to beat the crap out of her, and with good reason as he, on more than one occasion, tells her he's going to/wants to.

Potential rape is downplayed. Ana's friend, Jake Jose, starts pushing himself on her rather vehemently when they're both drunk. Ana repeatedly says no, but Jose just keeps trying to go in for the kill. Admiral Chaps busts on up with his riding crop, however, and saves her. Ana (understandably) avoids Jose for a while after that, and when her other friend asks her why, all Ana says is, "He made a pass at me." Later on, she and Jose are friends again, the "attempted kiss" forgotten. *Sigh*

Rapists appear to be a theme. Christian tells Ana that he gets off on having complete and total control over another person. This is not just in the bedroom, but in Ana's overall life. On several occasions, he fails to yield when Ana says no, plunging on regardless, assured she'll like whatever he does, anyway, so why bother stopping?

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And there are women out there who think this is romantic.

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I wish you the best of luck, ladies. Just keep in mind that while you're fantasizing about abusive, misogynistic assholes like Grey, there are a lot of women dealing with the horrors of actually living with men like him. For all you ladies bustin' out your toys while daydreaming about Hunky Mr. Grey, I want you to do something for me. It'll only take a moment. Close your eyes. Think about all the things Christian Grey does in the book. Not just those supposed sweet things, but really, everything. His condescension, his control, his insane jealousy, his threats.....and now....imagine he looks like this:

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Still turned on?

The end of the book was absolutely hilarious, with Ana fleeing in emotional tumult because Christian can't give her what she needs (love! *sniff*).

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And we're treated to her alternately being angry about the pain and humiliation she faced at Christian's hands, and chastising herself for being a failure and for being mean to Christian. It really is classic abuse mentality. Yet I see her being touted by some as "strong and independent".

It's this kind of ignorant trash that sets feminism back decades. Women who defend this book are, however unwittingly, participating in some of the most blatant misogyny I've ever witnessed, giving the impression that some women enjoy being debased, abused, and controlled (outside of a consensual Dom/sub relationship). This is not a book about BDSM, this is a book about one sick, abusive man and his obsession with a young, naive invertebrate. It's a book about a girl who has absolutely no sense of self, who sacrifices any pretense of individuality in order to hold onto a man who doesn't even show her the faintest glimmer of respect. It's about two attention-starved individuals with the emotional maturity of toilet paper convincing themselves that their relationship is 'like, the best thing ever, OMG'. It's trite, insulting, and dangerous. I fear for any impressionable young women who read this and think that this is how an ideal relationship should operate. If nothing else, it should be issued as a guidebook to mothers around the world to show their daughters the kind of man to avoid at all costs. This book does good men (and indeed, all of humanity) a disservice.

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*Sigh*

A bestseller. They're thinking of turning it into a movie....I can't....

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Word Count:
"Oh My" - 79
"Crap" - 101
"Jeez" - 82
"Holy (shit/fuck/crap/hell/cow/moses)" - 172
"Whoa" - 13
"Gasp" - 34
"Gasps" - 11
"Sharp Intake of Breath" - 4
"Murmur" - 68
"Murmurs" - 139
"Whisper" - 96
"Whispers" - 103
"Mutter" - 28
"Mutters" - 23
"Fifty" - 16
"Lip" - 71
"Inner goddess" - 58
"Subconscious" - 82

Click here for my review of Fifty Shades Darker (Fifty Shades, #2).


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Reading Progress

06/02
55.0% "Oh.this.is.just.awful.

"...every word a staccato." Oy."
06/02
55.0% 1 comment
01/29 marked as: read

Comments (showing 401-450 of 5,572) (5572 new)


message 401: by Connie (new) - rated it 2 stars

Connie Katrina i have to give it to you. You had the courage to read the whole book. I only got to that 4% you read to your brother (I endured the whole think all by myself). Can you get your money back for bad books? Hilarious review. Thank you Adriana for sharing


message 402: by Alexandra (new)

Alexandra Thank you, so, so much for giving me something to show my friends when they suggest this terrible, terrible book to me. I keep telling people I will never read this, not even if Alexander Skarsgard gets cast in the movie. But, they keep telling me it's definitely not what I've heard about, it's a good book, honestly.
Now I can tell them to go ahead and kiss my ass, because I will not be picking up this book to even read the inside synopsis in my lifetime.


message 403: by Jeremy (new) - rated it 5 stars

Jeremy Bates Oh, my, I am so turned on by the prospect of not reading this pile of horse excrement. One gal told me I was jealous of the writer. Yeah, right. I mean, many congrats are in order if she can take a book as shitty as you have decribed, sell it by the gafuckinzillions and be able to afford all the little playtoys she wants in her real life so she can stop writing "what she knows."

Thanks for a great review. It was very, very well done.


message 404: by Shannon (last edited Jul 15, 2012 08:45PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Shannon I didn't even get to the sex. Ana made me want to stick hot needles in my eyes.


message 405: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Bibliotropic wrote: "Awesome! I had no plans of reading this book, given that I already think it's a pile of overhyped crud, but after this review, half of me kind of wants to just so that I can mock it!"

Thank you!

Yes, that's what it came down to for me, as well. I generally avoid things that are hyped...until they get to a certain point. The popularity of these "books" got so crazy out of control that I just had to see for myself.


message 406: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Rachel (BAVR) wrote: "Katrina wrote: "Rachel, I truly would like to hug you;)"

You're in luck because I always give out free hugs on Sundays! :D"


Sweet!

I feel all warm and fuzzy now:D


message 407: by Katrina (last edited Jul 15, 2012 10:08PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Val wrote: "Hey, you can have a healthy bdsm relationship without abuse! It can work! I'm just sayin'...

Anyways, jfc this review was the bees knees, lady. I loved it! I didn't read the whole book (wasn't tha..."


I agree, Val, you totally can. That's just not this relationship...

Thank you!:) I think it was maybe the third time he'd told her to eat that I got a prickling sense of unease. I just thought to myself, Oh...this is going to be a problem. I just could not, for the life of me, figure out why Ana didn't scream, "I'll eat when I'm fucking well good and goddamn ready!!!" 'Cause that's what I would have done. So I guess I wouldn't make a good sub wife;)


message 408: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden moran wrote: "Couldn't agree more!!!!
"The only thing worth noting is that it's this kind of ignorant trash that sets feminism back decades. Any woman raving about this book is participating in some of the most ..."


Thank you:)


message 409: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Dixon wrote: "Katrina wrote: "Dang, go, Dixon! Tell us how you really feel;)..."

I got to chapter 10 or so, on a dare. I just couldn't get past how unrealistic the characters were, how horrible the grammar was..."


Oh, I hated Jose almost as much as I hated Ana and Christian, but that was mostly because of James's completely ignorant portrayal of photography. Jesus Christ, she didn't even have Ana operating a camera correctly. There's a scene in the third book where Ana pops a Nikon SLR out of its box (conveniently all ready to go thanks to the sales clerk), but never even turns it on. James went to the trouble of saying Ana took it out, took the lens cap off, then began pressing the shutter release to take pictures. I don't know if that's camera ignorance or just plain sloppy writing. I'm gonna shoot for both.

In the second book, Ana attends Jose's gallery show and finds a wall of herself. Portraits of her that Jose took while Ana was helping him on location one day. Even though they were taken outside and Ana knew full well Jose was taking them, she still referred to the shots as "invasive". Say what? It's not like he was using a telephoto to get shots of her in the shower. To add insult to injury, Jose apparently had these shots up for sale without having once gotten a signed model release from Ana. The gallery wouldn't have allowed it.

It might seem nitpicky, but goddamn it, the woman can't even research basics!

Anywho, the word "tattoo" has several different meanings, on of which is, "a knocking or strong pulsation: My heart beat a tattoo on my ribs." While the word is technically fine in that sentence, I question James's decision to use it given her general audience. I mean absolutely no disrespect to that, but let's be real; it's not as if these books were going to be read by nothing but English professors.


message 410: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Melanie wrote: "*Too Much Love*

Thank you for the best review of this book I've come across. I couldn't, still can not, comprehend why this text has been hyped up So much. I has made me sad... then I find people ..."


Aww, that's probably the sweetest comment I've gotten yet:) You're quite welcome, Melanie, and thank you...for you:)


message 411: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Kelli wrote: "If you happen to write erotica or erotic romance, Katrina, I've got a contract waiting. Just sayin'. ;)

Kelli Collins
Editor-in-Chief
Ellora's Cave Publishing"


Well, that's quite an invitation. Sadly, my mind wanders and I've yet to write out a story in its entirety. Besides, I'm not sure people would appreciate my erotic heroes washing their hands as much as I'd force them to;)


message 412: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Diane wrote: "Absolutely brilliant,never laughed so much in my life, you deserve an award for that review xx"

Why, thank you, Diane! This is going to sound sickeningly shmarmy, but I'm gonna say it anyway; the reward has been comments like yours. I've really enjoyed meeting so many awesome people through this awful, awful piece of writing.


message 413: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Alicia wrote: "Katrina wrote: "Stop, Alicia, you're using logic, they can't handle it! They're going to go completely feral!"

BIG KITTIES! And yeah, I know, I have this need for there to be logic in the world an..."


I <3 big kitties.

Anyway, it's mind boggling, isn't it? You can actually imagine the pained looks on their faces as they try to figure out what you're saying. I've yet to figure out why so many people seem completely incapable of simple logic.


message 414: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Sophie wrote: "Oh thank you, you wonderful wonderful woman! I am so glad to know there is a fellow woman on the planet who has a brain in her head. Fantastic review, I have tears of mirth in my eyes."

Thank you, Sophie, I am also very happy to meet other chicks with brains in this mess;)


message 415: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Lisa wrote: "Sophie wrote: "Oh thank you, you wonderful wonderful woman! I am so glad to know there is a fellow woman on the planet who has a brain in her head. Fantastic review, I have tears of mirth in my eye..."

Thank you, Lisa!


message 416: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Katie wrote: "Oh, this review is hilarious."

Thanks:D


message 417: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Ednah wrote: "That was sooo hilarious. haven't read the book except for the promo on Amazon...not my cup of tea"

Thanks:)

When I first read the synopsis for the book, I thought, "Well, that could be fun." But then I read some of the reviews and thought better of it. But then it's popularity skyrocketed and there was no escaping it. I knew I had to see for myself.


message 418: by Katrina (last edited Jul 15, 2012 10:27PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Maria wrote: "I read the story when it was still a fic... I just can't see why they fuss over it so much! Honestly if any of you has read Fan Fiction before you will know how many better lemons are out there... ..."

Sadly, that seems to be the consensus. I see a lot of people who like it saying things like, "I don't really read much, but..."

Yeah, that's telling. And painfully obvious.


message 419: by Katrina (last edited Jul 15, 2012 10:31PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Connie wrote: "Katrina i have to give it to you. You had the courage to read the whole book. I only got to that 4% you read to your brother (I endured the whole think all by myself). Can you get your money back f..."

Thanks, Connie! I made it through the other two, as well. Are you wondering how I'm still breathing? Me, too!

I would have stopped if I hadn't had a review in my sights. It was painful, but worth it. I grew up watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 and thus hold dear the idea of enduring something unpleasant for the sake of laughs.

Last I checked, you could get your money back for a bad book. Even ebooks are refunded, last I knew.


message 420: by Katrina (last edited Jul 15, 2012 10:33PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Alexandra wrote: "Thank you, so, so much for giving me something to show my friends when they suggest this terrible, terrible book to me. I keep telling people I will never read this, not even if Alexander Skarsgar..."

You're more than welcome, Alexandra, and thank you!

I would recommend reading it just to shut those people up. However, as I've since learned, no course of action will win out against a die-hard fan of the book. If you say you haven't read it, they say you can't judge it until you do. If you have read it and don't like it, they say you can't judge it by the first book alone, that you have to finish the trilogy. If you finish the trilogy and still hate it? Then they ask why you read all three books when you didn't like the first one.

You can't win. So stick with your convictions, whatever they may be:D


message 421: by Katrina (last edited Jul 15, 2012 10:42PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Jeremy wrote: "Oh, my, I am so turned on by the prospect of not reading this pile of horse excrement. One gal told me I was jealous of the writer. Yeah, right. I mean, many congrats are in order if she can take a..."

Thank you, Jeremy, I'm glad to have been able to turn you on.

Jealous of the author? Isn't that the universal battle cry for lost cause arguments? Yes, those of us who expect a modicum of talent in the core areas of prose, grammar, and basic research are merely jealous of E.L. James. So I suppose when we give a book a high rating, that means the book is horrible, and the only reason we rated it high was because we felt no envy of the person(s) who wrote it?

*Scratching my head* How does that work, exactly?

She did do a good job of laughing her hack ass all the way to the bank, we can definitely give her that.

Considering James seems to have a very small amount of knowledge regarding BDSM, I tend to think her sex life is quite dull. If spanking, restraints, and ball gags are the things she considers 'cutting edge', I kind of pity her.


message 422: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Shay wrote: "I didn't even get to the sex. Ana made me want to stick hot needles in my eyes."

Interesting. Ana might be good for something, after all. Can you imagine how many detainees in Gitmo could be effectively tortured if we had a girl like Ana Steele on government payroll? Hell, our military wouldn't even have to get its hands dirty; five minutes with the chick and the prisoners would be wounding themselves.

*Disclaimer: I do not endorse torture in any way, shape, or form. Unless we're talking about reading these books for the sake of a laugh.


Not Now...Mommy's Reading Yeah...so based on this amazing review and the pages of comments that follows - I'm going in. Yes, I have decided to read "Fifty Shades of Grey". I can't wait to see which category I fall into as far as love it or hate it. From my understanding there is no "in between". lol I will say this, I'm curious to see if the excerpts from the novel are really excerpts because if they are...I just don't have words. Okay, off to start the latest novel that's taken the world by storm.


message 424: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden The Black Pearl wrote: "Yeah...so based on this amazing review and the pages of comments that follows - I'm going in. Yes, I have decided to read "Fifty Shades of Grey". I can't wait to see which category I fall into as f..."

Whoooboy, well...good luck to you! You're right, there isn't really any in between. I've seen people who have rated it three stars who turn around and defend it like it was their favorite book of all time. Almost like they liked it more than they care to let on. You can say one thing for these books; they make people talk.

And thanks:)


message 425: by Tolet (new)

Tolet I felt the same! Good job for finishing the book! I didn't even got to 50% of it. :))


message 426: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Tolet wrote: "I felt the same! Good job for finishing the book! I didn't even got to 50% of it. :))"

Thanks, Tolet!


message 427: by Lisa (new) - added it

Lisa Tolet wrote: "I felt the same! Good job for finishing the book! I didn't even got to 50% of it. :))" Katrina I only got through it by virtue of the fact morbid curiosity got the better of me! lol!


message 428: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Lisa wrote: "Tolet wrote: "I felt the same! Good job for finishing the book! I didn't even got to 50% of it. :))" Katrina I only got through it by virtue of the fact morbid curiosity got the better of me! lol!"

I get the feeling that's what got more than a few people through it, Lisa, hehe;)


message 429: by Lisa (new) - added it

Lisa Katrina wrote: "Lisa wrote: "Tolet wrote: "I felt the same! Good job for finishing the book! I didn't even got to 50% of it. :))" Katrina I only got through it by virtue of the fact morbid curiosity got the better..." most definately! fantastic review by the way! had my crying with laughter!


message 430: by Judith (new)

Judith Barrow A brilliant review that made me laugh out loud. Now I don't ned to waste precious writing time reading the book


message 431: by Shiran (new) - rated it 1 star

Shiran Greatest review EVER!!!! :) I agree with every single word and wish so very much that someone would put this shit book and all it's hype out of my misery!


message 432: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Lisa wrote: "Katrina wrote: "Lisa wrote: "Tolet wrote: "I felt the same! Good job for finishing the book! I didn't even got to 50% of it. :))" Katrina I only got through it by virtue of the fact morbid curiosit..."

Thanks:D


message 433: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Judith wrote: "A brilliant review that made me laugh out loud. Now I don't ned to waste precious writing time reading the book"

Thanks, Judith, glad I saved you the time!


message 434: by Katrina (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Shiran wrote: "Greatest review EVER!!!! :) I agree with every single word and wish so very much that someone would put this shit book and all it's hype out of my misery!"

Thank you, Shiran!

It would be nice if it went away, wouldn't it? Oh well, the next best thing is to just grab hold and enjoy the ride. I hope E.L. James gets sued someday and loses all the money she made off these insults to books everywhere.


message 435: by Dixon (new) - rated it 1 star

Dixon Ticonderoga Katrina wrote: "Oh, I hated Jose almost as much as I hated Ana and Christian, but that was mostly because of James's completely ignorant portrayal of photography...."

The stuff you mentioned would have probably have bothered me as much as you had I gotten to it. James showed herself woefully ignorant about technology for the entire book, so that she wouldn't understand photography (please tell me she had a line about Jose zooming in with his prime lens that would be right up there with MP3 Speakers) does not at all surprise me.

It also doesn't surprise me that Ana'd suddenly find Jose's pictures "invasive," Grey told Ana at least twice that he was monogamous in his relationships before she declared "that's news to me!" The hell, he said that like 15 minutes ago, book time.

What I'm saying here is that EL James is a terrible writer with no grasp on the characters she writes.

The tattoo thing bugged me because, again, it's not something a 21 year old college student in America would say. This book was *so* British and *so* bodice ripper-y that to try to pass it off as 21st century American tale was possibly its biggest offense.

Except for James's inability to properly use commas.
Or her continuous re-use of the same phrases
Or the fact that people whispered or murmured things to each other 400 times in 500 pages.
Or the fact that James thinks that rich people get new Apple products before they hit the stores
Or the fact that the one Latino character screams "DIOS MIO!" every time he opens his mouth...and buys everyone celebratory margaritas
Or the fact that James does nothing, NOTHING, to show us that her heroine isn't as unattractive and clumsy as she says she is

Lord, I think I'm having PTSD.


message 436: by Katrina (last edited Jul 16, 2012 04:27AM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Katrina Passick Lumsden Dixon wrote: "The stuff you mentioned would have probably have bothered me as much as you had I gotten to it. James showed herself woefully ignorant about technology for the entire book..."

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Dixon, I think I may have just fallen in love with you.

I don't recall Jose trying to zoom with a prime lens, no (and I think that might have resulted in damage to my Kindle, so I don't think she went there). Hell, she probably doesn't even know what a prime lens is. Mp3 speakers....*snickering*.

I had to add to my word counts once I finally got around to doing them for the "murmers" and "whispers". I knew there were a lot, but I was shocked by the final tallies.


message 437: by Shiran (new) - rated it 1 star

Shiran Katrina wrote: "Shiran wrote: "Greatest review EVER!!!! :) I agree with every single word and wish so very much that someone would put this shit book and all it's hype out of my misery!"

Thank you, Shiran!

It wo..."


I agree, I hope someone sues the hell out of her and the next major hype we hear about it is all about her being bankrupt :P I suppose there is one bright side to all this... as least the movie can't possibly be as bad as this dribble.

What makes me REALLY angry about it is that suddenly everyone is talking about the genre but they have no idea how amazing it really can be because this shit has put them off or even worse books with sex in them are now going to be labeled as mommy porn!! Really I'd like one of those stuck up prude mommies to read about Bones. Maybe they'll all have a heart attack. And I totally agree with you that the sex was boring and unrealistic, I mean what cave did she grow up in that she is 21 and has NO idea about sex, did she grow up in a convent?

Ahhhh!! I REALLY hate this shit book...


message 438: by Caroline (new)

Caroline LMAO at this review! I don't know you, but I like you! :D


message 439: by Laura (new) - rated it 1 star

Laura I am in love with this review. Thank you, you pretty much said everything my friends and I have been saying. You're amazing!


message 440: by Susan (new)

Susan Thank you for this review. I had no intentions of ever reading this book, but I loved the review.


message 441: by Jane (new) - rated it 5 stars

Jane Hahahaha hilarious review it made me literally laugh out loud. But have to say I loved the book.........As fiction, I also love angel books vampire books and crime books....As fiction... I agree women who actually want to live Ana's life are a bit naive but as a story it entertained me and that's what I want when I read!


message 442: by [deleted user] (new)

I wish it was required that every woman who reads 50 Shades and likes it, must then read this review, and ponder it.


message 443: by Wicked (new)

Wicked This may be my favorite review ever.


message 444: by Leanne (new) - added it

Leanne Bell You are a legend. That is all :)


message 445: by Lexi (new) - rated it 1 star

Lexi I loved your review, especially the tally at the end of repeated words or phrases. I admittedly did not even make it through the first book- my brain could't take it.

I just don't see what all the fuss is about, it's so poorly written.

Thanks for the entertaining review :)


message 446: by Dana (new)

Dana Leipold OH MYYYYY! Your review has become viral! For the very reasons you list here in your review...I will NEVER read these books. Even if my life depended on it. Thank you for confirming my decision.


Victoria Limbert haha! loved this review so much!


message 448: by [deleted user] (last edited Jul 16, 2012 03:52PM) (new)

I have to say if you have this much time to devote to a negative review you don't have a life and you certainly haven't written a book because you wouldn't be online spending all your time doing this. The funny is thing is while your spending all your time on this for free E. L. James is laughing her ass all the way to the bank. Not everyone is going to like the book but it is a shame you can't see that by writing this your making more people want to read it. They want to know why you would spend so much time hating something that isn't even real.
Then you continue writing reviews like this because you enjoy the attention. That in itself wouldn't make mewant to take you seriously. It's sad there are book reviewers out there just waiting to pick apart a book because they have nothing else to do.
It's just a book. Put more passion into things like world hunger, your time will be better spent.


message 449: by Thalia (new)

Thalia What the hell did i just read? Seriously! You can't have read too many reviews or interviews with the author as all the ones i've read said she researched it thoroughly to the point where her husband was getting pissed off with her 'experimentation' The contract part was researched thoroughly too, as were most elements of the book. Because you research in 'some light BDSM' you're an expert?

I understand that the books aren't for everyone, but please don't insult those who enjoy them. I have a loving partner who accepts me for who i am and i have 'a fucking brain in my head' and i enjoyed these books greatly.

I didn't find them demeaning or disgusting, nor did i find them offensive. I find most of what you've written offensive.

His problem with food and making Ana eat become apparent in the later books (which if you'd bothered to do your 'research' properly you'd understand) as does his 'obsession' with his subs looking like his mother.

And you really find it difficult to imagine a woman at 21 who hasn't had sex or even masturbated? Really? I know plenty of women out there like that and i'm sure there are plenty others. I'm sure that says more about you than the character EL James created.

Christian is not abusive, he indulges in BDSM, that is NOT abuse. I think your'e being quite offensive toward the BDSM culture there... they indulge in things far worse than what Christian does. It seems worse to Ana because she's never been involved in it before... that aspect is extremely well thought out... the books is after all from her point of view. I think it's ignorant to suggest he's abusive because of his indulgences.

Christian is an extremely messed up individual who has had a horrible and disgusting past which has shaped him into the person he is, all of it becomes clear in the other two books. I agree that it's a little cliche and repetitive at times, but it's nowhere near as bad as what you're making out. I'm not quite sure what you're describing there... suggesting that abusive relationships are somehow going to increase because of this book... i mean that's some shit right there... really offensive.

I'm not quite sure where you're finding 'rape' as a theme in the novel... Jose made a pass at her (it happens all the time, it was a kiss and nothing more) it's not 'attempted rape' and Christian is a dominant...find me a dominant who doesn't like to control... they like to control their subs (hence the contract and the safe words) again making out that this is rape is extremely offensive.

And yes, i actually find Christian Grey romantic... everything he does for Ana is insane and extremely sweet. He's a messed up individual who is ultimately saved from his demons by his 'Knight in shining armour' who proves to him he doesn't have to exert his demons through control, pain and sex. If you had read all the novels you'd understand that and wouldn't have written these extremely offensive and naive article.

And with regards to the third book and the baby, there is no part whatsoever where Christian sucks his sons fingers and gets 'turned on'... i'm not quite sure what the hell you think EL James is... seriously! His son puts his fingers in his mouth because his ice lolly has melted onto them. My sons sticks his fingers in my mouth all the time and into his dads... are you saying we're paedophilic weirdos? Nor does he says his baby 'likes sex already' there is a scene where they have sex when Ana is pregnant and the baby kicks... but it's not offensive or disgusting :/

And Mrs Robinson is not 30 years older than Christian... she is older yes, but it doesn't say by how much. Merely that she was married when he was 15 (she could easily have been early-mid 20's) He was in love with her and she saved him. Get over it.

I agree that the books are cliche, not amazingly written and a little repetitive... but you've gone to whole new lengths to make the books out to be something they're not. I actually think out of everything i've read yours is the most offensive pile of tosh i've heard. I get that the books aren't for everyone and their content matter doesn't appeal to everyone, but to suggest somehow that you're better than those who read and enjoy them is absurd.


message 450: by Marie (new)

Marie Harbon Made my night. Major LOLZ


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