Katrina Passick Lumsden's Reviews > Fifty Shades of Grey

Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James
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Jul 26, 2014

did not like it
Read from June 01 to 02, 2012

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What in the hell just happened? Did I really read that? Oh, my god, I did. I did read that.

Meet Anastasia Steele:
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Ana is just a giant mess of a human being. She's insecure to the point of it being laughable, 'klutzy' (even though she only trips twice in the entire book), and a complete ditz. She's a virgin (of course) who's never taken any sexual interest in anyone before. Right. I'm fairly certain there hasn't been a woman this naive since 'round about 1954. At one point, she thinks putting her hair in pigtails will keep her safe from Christian's lusty advances. Fuckin' really? She "flushes" constantly, and on several occasions referred to her hoo-hoo-naughty place as "down there."

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Next, we have Christian Grey:
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Christian is a misogynistic, self-loathing, abusive piece of shit. Apparently, his only redeeming qualities are, in this order; his ridiculous good looks, his money, and his giant penis. The only time Ana seems to like him as a person is when he's being "lovable", and those times are few and far between. Most of the time he's serious, brooding, and threatening. How charming.

I knew from the very first line this wasn't going to be good.

"I scowl with frustration at myself in the mirror."

It was cemented that early, my deep, deep dislike for this moronic, simpering asshole. Your hair won't behave? Guess what?

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My suspicions were confirmed a few pages later when Ana admits that any "sympathy" she feels for her sick friend is "unwelcome". Unwelcome, apparently because her friend is beautiful, even when she has the flu...? What a petty, jealous cunt.

The only thing that made the first 4% of this book tolerable was the fact that I read it aloud to my younger brother, and his frequent commentary was amusingly distracting. Once he gave up, however, I had to travel the rest of the road alone. What a painful journey it was.

My first impressions of Ana were bad (deservedly so). What were my first impressions of Christian? Well...

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That's how I felt about Christian Grey. From the beginning. Any time an author tries to sell me on a character's "charm" by waxing hormonal about how "ridiculously good-looking" he is, I snicker inwardly. I can't think why....

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Anyway, after reading about the description of Christian's building (hello, first penis metaphor), I had to sit through the awful dialogue between these smarmy idiots and hope beyond hope that something, anything, would distract me enough to see me through to the end. Turns out, I found something about 15% through. I went back and counted, and kept track throughout the rest of the book, and do you have any idea how many fucking times Ana said "Oh my" in this monumentally bad missive? Do you? I'll tell you; 79! 79 motherfucking times. "He pulled me back against his chest...oh my." "He began kissing a trail down my belly, oh my." "He's an insufferable douchenozzle, oh my!" (I'm just thankful that neither lions, tigers, nor bears were brought into this mess at any point.)

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About halfway through, I wished I'd been keeping track of the word "crap" because Ana is constantly saying/thinking it. Crap, Holy Crap, Double and Triple Crap, Oh Crap, This Crap, That Crap, any and all Crap. Speaking of crap, if I ever, ever ever have to hear/read the words "inner goddess" again, I'm going to construct a pyre out of tampons and maxi pads, light it, and toss unsuspecting women into it.

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^My inner goddess will cap yours in the face if you don't shut the fuck up^

I'm sorry, I just couldn't take any of this seriously. His playroom. His playroom? Really?

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Or how about his weird-ass issues with food? He wants the girl slim and in shape, yet he won't stop trying to force her to eat!

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I simply love the attempt E.L. James made at giving these pathetic shells personalities. Ana wears Converse, drives a vintage car, and likes classic British lit. *Yawn* haven't heard any of that before. And Christian; we know Christian's super deep and sophisticated because he plays the piano and listens to obscure classical music. This is how we know Edward Christian is really just a lost soul in need of love; his love of music. Everyone knows that no one threatening listens to music. Music lovers just aren't capable of doing anything bad.

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^Surprise! Psychos like music, too.^

Since this is considered nothing more than "mommy porn", I will attempt to pander to that particular demographic for a moment. Were the sex scenes well-written? Well, none of it was particularly well-written. The sex scenes could be kind of...honestly, they were kind of boring. I've had more exciting sex myself, so I guess reader response to the sex scenes is dependent on reader experience. There's nothing revolutionary here, and a lot of it is just plain unrealistic. I mean, come on, he pretty much jackhammers her hymen and she walks away with nothing more than a passing, pleasant soreness? Riiiight. How about the time he gives her a handjob with a soapy washcloth? Hello? Apparently neither one of them has ever heard of a urinary tract infection. Oh, or we could talk about her first time giving Christian a blowjob, during which Ana established herself as some kind of Queen of Deepthroat.

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Anyone wanna hear about the tampon scene? Oh, you've already heard about the tampon scene? Yeah, same here, although hearing about it and reading the actual scene are a bit different. For some reason, you imagine it being worse than it actually is, while at the same time, reading about it is more horrifying than you could possibly imagine.

"He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string...what! And...gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet."

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Look, I'm not against sex during menses, but a guy plucking out a girl's tampon? Yeah, gross. I'm not a prude, but there are certain lines people just shouldn't cross. What makes it worse is that Christian is just thrilled that Ana's raggin' because he hates using condoms.

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Apparently, Mr. GinormoDick doesn't know that a woman can get pregnant while on her period. Which is hilarious considering all the teaching and training he's doing to remedy Ana's sexual ignorance.

Sexual dependence, thy name is Anastasia Steele. We're supposed to believe that this girl has gone 21 years neither having had sex nor masturbating? Hm. Well, Christian's supposed sexual prowess makes a bit more sense now, as does Ana's assertion that he has a giant bologna wand. She has absolutely zero experience, and she's never once had anything "in there". Thing could be the size of a baby carrot and she'd still be like, "Oh, my glob! How is it ever going to fit?!"

It's good that she stockpiled all those potential orgasms, though, because now she's capable of having like, 15 a day or something. It's ridiculous. Come to think of it, Christian's obsession with her eating habits makes a bit more sense now. She was probably beginning to look like something out of a horror movie.

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Seriously, though, are we going to take the word of a girl who is apparently so undersexed she's never even masturbated? I guess I can sort of understand this obsession with some kind of an awakening, but...really? "Oh, he's soooo good in bed!" How the hell would she know?! She has absolutely nothing with which to compare, not even her own damn hand!

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Now I'll be totally honest, the biggest issue I have with Fifty Shades of Shit is neither the sex nor the horrible writing. It's the plot. Thin as it is, it's still there, its core message being that, given enough time, you can change someone. While I don't have any problem with this if all you're trying to do is help them to lose weight or quit smoking, when you're talking about an emotionally and (dangerously close to) physically abusive relationship, sending that kind of message is ridiculous and irresponsible. Christian is controlling, possessive, condescending, and cruel. He doesn't allow Ana to behave as she normally would, and Ana just puts up with it, insistent that if she can give him what he wants, when he wants, as often as he wants, she can eventually begin to pull his strings. Will it work? In the books, probably. In real life? No. Almost never. How many misguided women are going to waste their lives on some emotionally retarded prick because they've read shit like this and think this kind of fucked-up fairytale will come true for them? I've known women with this mentality. "Oh, he's so dark and dangerous and threatening, but he's got a sad, lonely side, and if I could just figure out what's wrong, I could change him!"

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Wake the fuck up! He may be hot, he may have a huge dick, he may even be rich, that doesn't make him a good person. It doesn't even make him a potentially good person. Quit.Being.A.Fucking.Idiot. (Look, I can make my words Staccato like Christian. Now hold still while I choke you until you pass out...)

Image and video hosting by TinyPic^Ana and Christian^ - "I said don't roll your eyes at me!!"

Christian stalks Ana (which she turns into a fucking joke), and whispers things to her "threateningly". She's constantly afraid he's going to beat the crap out of her, and with good reason as he, on more than one occasion, tells her he's going to/wants to.

Potential rape is downplayed. Ana's friend, Jake Jose, starts pushing himself on her rather vehemently when they're both drunk. Ana repeatedly says no, but Jose just keeps trying to go in for the kill. Admiral Chaps busts on up with his riding crop, however, and saves her. Ana (understandably) avoids Jose for a while after that, and when her other friend asks her why, all Ana says is, "He made a pass at me." Later on, she and Jose are friends again, the "attempted kiss" forgotten. *Sigh*

Rapists appear to be a theme. Christian tells Ana that he gets off on having complete and total control over another person. This is not just in the bedroom, but in Ana's overall life. On several occasions, he fails to yield when Ana says no, plunging on regardless, assured she'll like whatever he does, anyway, so why bother stopping?

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And there are women out there who think this is romantic.

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I wish you the best of luck, ladies. Just keep in mind that while you're fantasizing about abusive, misogynistic assholes like Grey, there are a lot of women dealing with the horrors of actually living with men like him. For all you ladies bustin' out your toys while daydreaming about Hunky Mr. Grey, I want you to do something for me. It'll only take a moment. Close your eyes. Think about all the things Christian Grey does in the book. Not just those supposed sweet things, but really, everything. His condescension, his control, his insane jealousy, his threats.....and now....imagine he looks like this:

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Still turned on?

The end of the book was absolutely hilarious, with Ana fleeing in emotional tumult because Christian can't give her what she needs (love! *sniff*).

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And we're treated to her alternately being angry about the pain and humiliation she faced at Christian's hands, and chastising herself for being a failure and for being mean to Christian. It really is classic abuse mentality. Yet I see her being touted by some as "strong and independent".

It's this kind of ignorant trash that sets feminism back decades. Women who defend this book are, however unwittingly, participating in some of the most blatant misogyny I've ever witnessed, giving the impression that some women enjoy being debased, abused, and controlled (outside of a consensual Dom/sub relationship). This is not a book about BDSM, this is a book about one sick, abusive man and his obsession with a young, naive invertebrate. It's a book about a girl who has absolutely no sense of self, who sacrifices any pretense of individuality in order to hold onto a man who doesn't even show her the faintest glimmer of respect. It's about two attention-starved individuals with the emotional maturity of toilet paper convincing themselves that their relationship is 'like, the best thing ever, OMG'. It's trite, insulting, and dangerous. I fear for any impressionable young women who read this and think that this is how an ideal relationship should operate. If nothing else, it should be issued as a guidebook to mothers around the world to show their daughters the kind of man to avoid at all costs. This book does good men (and indeed, all of humanity) a disservice.

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A bestseller. They're thinking of turning it into a movie....I can't....

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Word Count:
"Oh My" - 79
"Crap" - 101
"Jeez" - 82
"Holy (shit/fuck/crap/hell/cow/moses)" - 172
"Whoa" - 13
"Gasp" - 34
"Gasps" - 11
"Sharp Intake of Breath" - 4
"Murmur" - 68
"Murmurs" - 139
"Whisper" - 96
"Whispers" - 103
"Mutter" - 28
"Mutters" - 23
"Fifty" - 16
"Lip" - 71
"Inner goddess" - 58
"Subconscious" - 82

Click here for my review of Fifty Shades Darker (Fifty Shades, #2).

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Reading Progress

55.0% "Oh.this.is.just.awful.

"...every word a staccato." Oy."
55.0% 1 comment
01/29 marked as: read

Comments (showing 3,601-3,650 of 5,572) (5572 new)

message 3601: by Abby (new)

Abby Sandercock How many times does C run his hand through his hair or set his mouth into a hard line?

message 3602: by Liza (new)

Liza spot on review - only disappointed you didn't count how many times their breath 'hitches'. I am tempted to go back and count myself now lol

message 3603: by Jha (new)

Jha Gaberia your review made me "not" want to check this book out x

message 3604: by Crystal (new)

Crystal it is funny how much I loved your review because it was so true to each part of the book(s) I read all threee of your reviews and literally had to think of dead kittens to stop myself from laughing uncontrolably at work!
What's even even better is that I loved all three of the Fifty Shades books! I was right there with you but for some reason I was still completely into them
Thanks for the laughs!

message 3605: by Jen (new) - added it

Jen Thank you for this review. I agree 100% that the issues with this damn word collection (I cannot call it a book) are not the so-so erotica scenes or the shit-tastic writing but the fact that so many women are swooning over this fictional creeper.

message 3606: by Kathryn (last edited Aug 31, 2012 06:15PM) (new)

Kathryn Stone I wrote down the one word that came to mind when I was reading it: corny.
A sweet little virgin barely 21 and a rich good looking powerful older man.

BTW This was the review I was hoping would arrive as I *tried* to read this. Thank you!!!

Ms. James is laughing all the way to the bank with her sequels.

If you've never lived you must find this imaginative but as for me, I partied in the 80's in NYC so I'm like 1. ho hum and 2. the tone is repellant to me little Ana and stock character Mr. Grey.

I'm putting this down and picking up Lady Chatterly's Lover instead.

message 3607: by Book'd (new) - rated it 2 stars

Book'd Absolute fantastic review.
Great job Katrina.

message 3608: by Mercurial (new)

Mercurial Chemist Hahahahahaha... Man that's a review worth more than the book... Hehehehe... :)

message 3609: by Ciel (new)

Ciel A hilarious and entertaining review. The 'word count' part & the GIFs are my favourites. Seriously, you'll start to wonder why those books are bestsellers when it's worse than those stories posted online. Frankly, I've read better stories online worthy of being published than this book series.

What sane person has an inner-freaking-goddess, anyway?

message 3610: by Cookie (new) - rated it 1 star

Cookie Thank you so much for reading this book und even more for writing this review! It made my day! :)

message 3611: by Jessica (new) - rated it 5 stars

Jessica This is a hilarious review!

message 3612: by Delaina (new)

Delaina oh thank god! i thought i was the only woman in the world who thought it was crap!!! (in your counts, you shouldve tried keeping up with how many times she flushed/blushed. that chick must have some kind of condition!)

message 3613: by Rachael (new)

Rachael Watson Wow that is the longest review I've ever seen on here

message 3614: by Patti (new) - added it

Patti Thank you SO much, couldn't have said it better. If he was a 100 year old vampire it would have been Twilight, the college years. But Twilight was better. And to quote Elaine "Sex in a tub? Come on give me something I can use!" What a piece of crap this book is.

message 3615: by Lilith (new)

Lilith Alright, I absolutely love this review. It had me laughing out loud at some points. The gifs were also great. :)

I had been hearing a lot about this book, and most of it was bad. I heard the relationship was abusive and that they pretty much shat all over bdsm. I'm almost tempted to read the book myself to witness the train wreck in all its glory.

Thanks again for posting!

message 3616: by Liz (new)

Liz XD Best Goodreads review yet

message 3617: by Tia (new) - rated it 5 stars

Tia still wondering why this book so boomed??? #1 New York Times Best-Selling!

message 3618: by Bethany (new)

Bethany Ah! Hilarious! SO many of the things you wrote I was thinking the same while I read. My friend (who suggested it to me) said I wouldn't be able to put it down.... It took me about 2 months to get through 25% on my kindle--and I laughed through all of it. I was absolutely 0 percent turned on because, aside from it being poorly written (I mean, "i felt his erection on my stomach"... yeah, that's hott.....) I kept thinking what a total douche christian is and if I met him in real life I would probably hate his guts.
In fact, I started counting phrases like: "above my/his eyelashes"--she uses it about a million times in one paragraph, then not again until 5 chapters later.

Also to add to your inner goddess annoyance--YES. WTF? Has the author ever read mythology? Goddess' were powerful and vengeful, they would sleep with a man then kill him after he begged for mercy. Even Aphrodite (who's painting I assume James was modeling the phrase after) would make mortal men piss themselves... Thus when christian would say "I wanna tie you up, beat you and degrade you" and Ana's 'inner goddess' would 'pant longingly'.... WTF?? Maybe 'inner dog' would be a more suitable term.

I don't know about you, but my first time was not a great experience physically. It was quite painful, and the O was a beast that didn't come until my 5th or 6th time. Yet for Anastasia her first O was nipple induced....... And her second, a few minutes later, was apparently "mind shattering"........ Again, I laughed the whole way through.

To top that off, like you said, she has this "oh, I'm so ugly--I'm so plain--no one likes me" and yet she's a cute skinny girl who has several men practically in love with her. Are you fucking kidding me?? Now make her 200+ pounds with acne, and an overbite THEN have Mr. Grey get horny when she bites her lip--that would be interesting

Obviously deduced, at 30% I was feeling sad for mankind (and for myself for buying it digitally--a paperback would have worked quite well for emergency tp), not only for what has become of our literary works, but that these 'books' are actually popular.
...One giant leap backward for mankind.

I am currently trudging through the 2nd (only because I want to say I've read the trilogy when discussing the books with people)... And I have a long, long road ahead.

Thanks for this amazing review, here I thought I was alone in my criticism of shitty shades of grey. Sorry about my rant, but it felt so good :)

message 3619: by Jill (new)

Jill Katrina wrote: "Jill wrote: "i love you. i really love you. the list of words/phrases i was trying to count: gape/gaped; clambered; happy trail (quite possibly the most annoying thing i've ever heard said about th..."
Agree entirely that someone endures abuse needs help. i guess i say it in a way that sounds (to me) more compassionate. 'not right in the head' and 'mentally unstable' are derogatory. i think that if those terms are said about a person in any context it would be hurtful, not helpful, and would feel aggressive.
people who stay in abusive situations need help and support; they don't need labels like not right in the head. They need the help of professionals, like police, doctors, and/or if they are into religion, a priest/pastor/rabbi. they need the compassion and help of their friends and family, who may be able to find the right professional, listen without judgment, provide a safe place for the victim to stay, etc.
maybe it sounds like i'm splitting hairs, but i'm a psychologist (yes, a real one with a PhD), a victim, and the best friend of a victim who grew up in a horribly abusive home, and whose mother never left. she didn't see a way out. she had no money (because he took control of every penny before she had a clue that he was abusive), he watched her every move, and it was very likely that if she left he would have hunted her down and killed her. she wasn't mentally unstable or not right in the head. she was a mother of 4 who had no means of supporting her kids and absolutely could not leave them alone with him. she grew up in a time/place where you didn't talk back to your husband, and her religion told her she would go straight to hell if she divorced. when you've been molded by your upbringing, which is entirely supported by everything society shows and tells you, and you feel trapped, seeing a different way is remarkably hard. when the police give your husband a wink and a nod and walk away, your priest tells you you'll burn for eternity, you're too afraid that people will judge you or tell your abusive husband what you've said, you have been taught that going to a mental health professional is shameful and you're afraid that if you're seen coming out of the office if you go -
you're right in the head, and mentally stable - just in an extraordinarily bad situation. this woman protected her kids the best way she could see; by not leaving them motherless or homeless.
if you live in a dangerous neighborhood, work the night shift so you can scrape by, can't find another job, have to take public transportation - you may have to walk repeatedly down the same dangerous street where you were raped. if you have been raped by your boyfriend or husband, or a date - you may not understand that it's possible for someone like that to actually rape you, so you doubt your feelings enough not to discuss them. or it's so shameful that you can't talk about it, or you know from the experience of many other women that the police/courts do not believe that you can be raped by those people. of course, all of those things are just a few of many examples. and while i certainly don't always succeed in doing so, i try not to judge or label people because i don't know their circumstances, or have not experienced them myself.
sincerely, i'm not arguing with you, nor am i trying to 'win' this conversation. (nor do i think you implied that i'm doing either of those things; but you know - internet, written words between strangers - misunderstandings happen so easily). i bother to write all this because you have influence. a lot of people read your reviews. and because it's crystal clear that you are a very bright, creative, and wildly insightful person. i hated that book with the flaming intensity of 1,000 suns (ok, hyperbole is a pastime), and thought i had nailed every way and reason that i hated it - until i read your words and knew that there were more. i love that. i found the discussions about this book that delve into the female experience interesting and helpful; i think they serve a purpose in addition to being extremely funny. and obviously, i have passion for these topics, so i felt like adding to the talk about what it means to be a victim was meaningful.
and i'll end with by saying that i hated anna, and throughout the book, blamed her, and called her stupid and an idiot. then i read your review and was dumbstruck by the fact that i did exactly the thing i work so hard not to. so, honestly, in addition to making me laugh so much that i read your review several times, thank you for showing me that i was thinking in a way that is opposite of who i want to be.

Laura wrote: "Thank you for posting this, I agree with you all the way lol.. My mum read the books before me and thought it was romantic but once she read it again she realized it was a little far fetched, I got..."

Katrina wrote: "Jill wrote: "i love you. i really love you. the list of words/phrases i was trying to count: gape/gaped; clambered; happy trail (quite possibly the most annoying thing i've ever heard said about th..."

Katrina wrote: "Jill wrote: "i love you. i really love you. the list of words/phrases i was trying to count: gape/gaped; clambered; happy trail (quite possibly the most annoying thing i've ever heard said about th..."

Laura wrote: "Thank you for posting this, I agree with you all the way lol.. My mum read the books before me and thought it was romantic but once she read it again she realized it was a little far fetched, I got..."

message 3620: by [deleted user] (new)

Wow, I'm so impressed with your review (because I am so bad with words myself)and I agree with every word.

message 3621: by Martin (new)

Martin Gumucio Sounds like the only thing that would have made the book an even worse read would have been.. GIF animations!!

Thanks for the review, but goddamn ease up on that stuff.

Basia Rose Tia wrote: "still wondering why this book so boomed??? #1 New York Times Best-Selling!"

Hype made people read it. Not quality!

message 3623: by June (new)

June Katrina, you clearly have more literary talent than the author of Fifty Shades could possibly dream of...I managed to get through about a hundred pages of this swill before I had to admit I was a beaten woman (no pun intended). And, like you, I had to make frequent stops whilst reading - the mediocrity of the writing was more than I could bear for more than the briefest of periods. I actually congratulate myself on making it as far into the book as I did; one can, after all, only take so much biting of lips, ghosts of smiles, acceleration of heartbeats, pursing of lips (sometimes twice within two consecutive paragraphs), knotting of fingers, raking of unruly hair, and peering through eyelashes...shit, Mills and Boon ain't got nothing on this !! In real life, any normal human being would have had a coronary or ended up blathering in the psych ward before they even got the chance to engage in any funny business !! And, even though to me, at least, the writing was hands down the most appalling feature in this piece of watery tripe, I'm not sure I'd agree the plot was worse, since the plot was so manufactured, contrived and disingenuous it was hard to even factor into the book. Indeed, I've read Pony Club books with more plot and character development. Damn it, I've read MR MEN books with more complexity and which had me more engaged, I swear to God.

And, the sex ? I skipped forward to the first account of that, and almost laughed out loud when, after the thunderbolts, and the lightning charges, and the electric currents, and all the other mind-blowing sensations the character experienced after her initiation into this hitherto unimagined realm, the antagonist withdraws from her and she "immediately" falls asleep !! For fuck's sake...slap me with a tuna, and put me on a horse to Tulsa ! Have you ever read such rot ??

The only thing that could possibly induce me to continue reading this boring, banal, vapid (God, where is my Thesaurus when I need it ?) piece of rubbish would be the relative amusement I'd receive from adding to your list of word/phrase counts...but only while I'm at the dentist's, to take my mind of the drill. Nah, on second thoughts, the drill might be the more preferable option.

message 3624: by Patti (new) - added it

Patti June wrote: "Katrina, you clearly have more literary talent than the author of Fifty Shades could possibly dream of...I managed to get through about a hundred pages of this swill before I had to admit I was a b..."

Slap me with a tuna, and put me on a horse to Tulsa ?? LOL !!!!!! LOVE that !

message 3625: by Deanna (new)

Deanna I had to find your review again to recant essentially all of my previous statements. I agree with your review one. hundred. percent.

I really should have gotten all the way through the book before leaving an opinion. First... maybe 40% I could deal with, after that I was all that first Bert image, lol.

Thankfully my Kindle is not an Etch-a-Sketch because I've shook it with incredulity and rage all too many a times.

message 3626: by Ruth (new)

Ruth Anne Brilliant. I totally agree and have read all three books three times. What is wrong with me? I must be catering to the bitchin'inner goddess within. Thanks for sharing.

message 3627: by Martha (last edited Sep 03, 2012 07:33PM) (new)

Martha Ruth - I have also read the three books several times. Couldn't stop!!! I think it was the intensity and the attraction, but then I realized I felt empty. Now we know why! So many out there are still in the dark. We are the lucky ones...

message 3628: by Mary (new)

Mary I can't believe I read all three books. If you take the sex scenes out of them you might get one silly book out it. Something that would seem to be written by a teenager trying to be an author.

message 3629: by Robin (new)

Robin I've been waiting for the 10.000th like

message 3630: by Shubhada (new) - added it

Shubhada Kale I read all three books in such a frenzy that I think I didn't process any of these things in my brain... Your review has been a laugh riot..causing me to gag myself with a handkerchief to suppress laughing out loud.. I am utterly grateful to you for bringing my thinking power back to me!Thank you! Thank you!
P.S. love the gifs!! :D :D ;)

message 3631: by Lauren (new) - rated it 1 star

Lauren You know what is worse than the book? The audio book.
My hubby & I got it for a long roadtrip we had to go on (the book is 19 hours long) and we figured it would make the 20 hour trip go by faster.

You'd think that they would at least hire a male voice actor to do Christian's lines so that it didn't sound like she was having conversations/sex with a raspy version of herself. And she makes Jose sound like Dracula. And the contract/email reading? Painful.

The only redeeming quality - we made a drinking game out of the word counts you mentioned, specifically 'murmur/murmured'. I'm glad we only started counting the last hour of the drive as we each had only about 5 shots to do (upon arrival, we didn't drink in the car) instead of over 200.

message 3632: by Mishale (new)

Mishale Lauren wrote: "You know what is worse than the book? The audio book.
My hubby & I got it for a long roadtrip we had to go on (the book is 19 hours long) and we figured it would make the 20 hour trip go by faster..."

Hahahaha! That's funny! The worst thing for me is to think, that the author earns a shit load of money with such trash! Maybe, I should start writing, too... Just line up a few mindless sex fantasies and: success!

message 3633: by Phuong (new) - rated it 1 star

Phuong This is a fuckin awesome review! Holy Crappppp! Hahahahahaha.

message 3634: by Chaos (new)

Chaos Holy.shit. Awesome review xD

message 3635: by Liana (new)

Liana 'shan' I really gotta thank you. I was seriously contemplating buying the trilogy coz of the hype. Your review has saved me not just financially but from the torture of reading... hmm how should I put it?... crap?

Thanks again :)

message 3636: by Angélica (new) - added it

Angélica Your review was hilarious! Zoolander was also the first thing that came into mind when I read that literary gem of a line! :)

message 3637: by Xiaohe (new) - added it

Xiaohe You have slain me. The usage of gifs are hilarious. I'm in Chapters currently, having just skimmed through the first half of the book--and already I noticed the painful over usage of the phrases "OH MY" and "inner goddess". Puke. The sex scenes weren't very exciting. For something of this genre a good choice is Story of O. It's shorter too, with infinitely better writing.

message 3638: by Jon (last edited Sep 05, 2012 09:03PM) (new)

Jon Hodes thank you for this fantastic, amazing, spot on review. this book is so horrible, it defies the laws of physics. i don't know how i made it through, and i admit i skimmed pages here and there, because i just couldn't take it.

forget the horrible message(s), the writing itself is really the worst part. you did me a favor by counting the biggest offender of all, so i didn't have to: murmur(s). are you fucking kidding me with this? the editor of this junk show needs to be fired and never work in publishing again. i wanted to rip my fucking eyes out. i'm also wondering why it was so important to note 100 times that christian has a long finger. speaking of his anatomy, i was shocked, SHOCKED i tell you, to read that he has "considerable length". of course he does, can't give the star of the book a normal dick. an extraordinary person HAS to have a matching schlong, right? and to further the ridiculousness i'm surprised you didn't mention that ana refers to her vagina, many, many times, as "my sex". ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

as you mention, the sex was boring and unrealistic at the same time. i was neither turned on, nor inspired. BRAVO! how anyone can possibly turn this into a film - no less a good one - is beyond me.

this book practically sparked me to violence. fortunately, my inner god was beaten into submission by my subconscious.

there is ZERO chance i will read either of the next two books, because in addition to loathing the writing, i hate both of the main characters.

finally - great work with the GIFS. love it.

message 3639: by Pamela (new) - rated it 1 star

Pamela Katrina, stumbled on your review quite by accident and must say, it's amazing.

I couldn't even get through this piece of (here comes your favourite much-said word :P ) crap. I read 50pgs and realised just from that that it was going to infuriate me to no end and make me sick.

I thank you for your review for showing me that, yes indeed, it would have done just that. I find it absolutely disturbing that this is being called a "romance" novel.

message 3640: by Michelle (new) - rated it 1 star

Michelle Anne I recently subjected myself to the horror that is Fifty Shades of Grey, and wanted to write about that catastrophic experience. I needed cleansing, you see. I only made it through 12% of the book, but the self-loathing had already taken hold. Thinking myself clever and original, I planned to use the title: Fifty Shades of Crap. I decided to Google it, and it turns out this phrase is often used by fellow victims of Fifty Shades...turns out there are many others who feel the same as I. So comforting. I was led to your review and through it found the healing I needed and can smile once again. Thank you for this review. You encapsulated this train wreck of a book far better than I ever could have.

message 3641: by Kat (new) - rated it 1 star

Kat Oh well... I read the books. And I like them. I really, really like them. But still, I can agree to your opinion. You're totally right about everything. But, God help me, I read it with pleasure and sometimes I like to read the book and not to think too much :D Thank you for the review. It was really entertaining and full of truth about FSOG :)

message 3642: by Sanilou (new) - rated it 1 star

Sanilou I was about to write my review, but after reading yours... well you've pretty much cover everything. No more fifty shades anything for me, thank you very much.

message 3643: by Mila (last edited Sep 06, 2012 10:31AM) (new)


message 3644: by Tahiti (new)

Tahiti that was one funny and hilarious review lol and its amazing how all the american bestsellers tend up like this "twilight"ian fictions more often....lol and pso many people especially girls go gaga over the attractive hard covered some 500-600 pg books full of no-brainners one liners ...sadly i guess most of them would say more often oh i know im being stupid but i cant help itt...i just have to finish the series...so "open your eyes nicholas" coz your eyes are in all the wrong places

message 3645: by Laura (new) - added it

Laura Hawkins This review was so brutally honest that it made my day. I've been dreading reading it, since I'm more of a sci-fi/fantasy person, but since my friend gave it to me as a gift I have to make an attempt. At least now I know what to look out for.

message 3646: by Angela (last edited Sep 07, 2012 04:20PM) (new) - rated it 3 stars

Angela Vanburen This is the greatest review that I've ever read!!!!

message 3647: by Shahad (new)

Shahad AlHammad The fact that you counted how many times the author wrote "inner goddess" killed me. I can't stop laughing!

message 3648: by Moriaine (new)

Moriaine Musings Well Katrina,
I read all of your reviews on this trilogy.
Bless you for making me laugh long and hard at this series. For saving me money, time and bad pictures in my head!
I too think more Jensen gifs should be used.
Thank you for taking this for the team.

message 3649: by Marisa (new)

Marisa the atrocious writing in the book stopped me before i got properly into Mr Grey's office in the opening... this review should be making you money! it is BY FAR superior writing, and i agree with every word!

message 3650: by Michah (last edited Sep 08, 2012 08:50PM) (new)

Michah It's nice to see people with a decent mindset; my faith in humanity marches wearily on.

I was wondering what all of the fuss was about this book, so I thought I would start reading it- I disregarded many warnings as it wouldn't be right for me to criticize a book I haven't at least tried to read, right? (I stand by the idea that summaries and synopses aren't enough material for me to judge a book).

I started reading a couple of days ago. I haven't finished it, but your review quite perfectly sums up what I have in my head. I don't have the drive to count up how many times Anna's said "oh my" or "inner goddess" and every other time a thesaurus was not used as you did (I'm rather humbled by your determination to go back and count so many words).

In fact, I'm not so certain I have the slightest bit of motivation to continue. I was halfway through (just after the bath and meeting the mother) and thought the rest of my time was better off playing MMO's.

I was right: my time was better spent gaming

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