Bern's Reviews > The Raie'Chaelia

The Raie'Chaelia by Melissa Douthit
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Jul 25, 12

bookshelves: not-even-if-jesus-begs-me-to


Dear Ms. Douthit,

What a shame. Really, what a shame. Before yesterday I had never heard of your existence or of this book you wrote, whose title is, at best, unpronounceable. I'd never heard of the whole hoopla between you and quite a few reviewers on GR, some of them my friends, even. I wouldn't have been able to pick your name out of a list even if it had been highlighted with a scandalous pink marker, and the reason for that is that your existence wasn't relevant to me - not that it is now, mind you. But now I do know who you are, obviously.

And you know what?

I don't like it. I don't like how you can't take criticism, how you think people lack the right to express their opinion of what you wrote with whatever language they see fit and how you go around pointing fingers when you, yourself went digging around for information on a reviewer who was perfectly fine staying anonymous as she always was. I don't like any of it, and what's more, I read this book's blurb and I felt no interest whatsoever in picking it up.

And it isn't because of your attitude (although I would never read The Raiewhatsitsname because of it anyway). It doesn't look like something I'd read. I don't get the title, I think this name-inventing shtick of yours is confusing and lacking in real significance and the blurb is too cliched to interest me at all. And guess what? I AM IN MY RIGHT NOT TO WANT TO READ THIS BOOK. I am a free individual who lives in a free country and I will read what I want and this is definitely not it.

Your flashing demonstration of unprofessionalism is shocking and purely ugly. Ugly. I intend to be a writer someday and I'll be damned if I ever take heavy criticism by lashing out on a hissy fit about how everyone's so ridiculously mean to poor old me and my strangely named book.

This isn't how this industry works, sweety. It works like this: you write, we review it. We're not telling you how to do your job - though it's obvious someone ought to give you a few pointers in the whole reader interaction bit, I think you got that all wrong - so you don't get to tell us how to do ours.

I'm ending this rant now before I get too hot headed to hold myself back from insults. Knowing how much you dislike that sort of language being used when describing your work, I wouldn't want you to have another fit, now, would I?

Edit: The following is on the last page of Melissa Douthit's The Raie'Chaelia (or whatever it's called):

Before You Go ... If you have time, please take a moment to write a review of this book by visiting the author's Amazon page or by visiting www.melissadouthit.com.  Your reviews are very important in that they provide valuable feedback.  Thank you!

The irony is just too much for me. I can't. I just can't.

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Comments (showing 1-50 of 72) (72 new)


Circus Princess Oh, no, Bernardo! Now you're just being bully and a troll! How dare you state your opinion!

*giggle-snort* High five, mi amigo.


message 2: by Bern (new) - added it

Bern But Dem, I can't fight it, it's my nature! I'm a horrible, horrible person who can't stop *gasp* spouting my opinions about and also *gasp* making use of heavy language when I do it!

*gigglesnorts too* I'm high fiving you to the moon and back, muchacha


Circus Princess Oh, you big meany, you. Us reviewers are just the spawns of Satan, aren't we?


message 4: by Bern (new) - added it

Bern I know I really ought to get some help for this. Big case of the meanies and all. Why, clearly we are! Where else would we have sprouted from if not the burning depths of hell itself?

We're the incarnation of pure evil, don't you think?


message 5: by Arushi (new)

 Arushi Both of you should die in a fire already. Soulless bitches and a sorry excuse for humans *spits on the ground*

How could you guys talk smack about a book with the cover so gorgeous? I wish my eight year old cousin was here so we could just stare at it in awe and gush about it all night. We'll find our true self with the help of a friendly old man *swoon*


message 6: by Bern (new) - added it

Bern I don't know, Rush, it's not really a party until there's at least three people, you know? So if you wanna join us amidst the roaring fire and all, feel free to do it.

And I think it's because we're obviously children of Satan. Anyone with half a brain would figure that out but not some VANITY authors around here, so yeah... Shame.


Circus Princess Well, according to 98% of the devout Christians I've spoken are convinced I'm evil and linked to strongly immoral activity. And I totally did not give fucked up answers to their questions to make them think that or anything.

But what bothers me most about this book besides the author is: HOW THE FUCK DO YOU PRONOUNCE THAT NAME?!


message 8: by Bern (new) - added it

Bern OMFG GURLFRAN ME TOO! Devout Christians are such a drag, always believing the absurd crap you make up about yourself and then widening their eyes in shock as if they were in the presence of the anti-christ or something. Odd people, those ones. PFFT me neither where would I even get that stuff from???

I know I HAVE NO IDEA EITHER O.O I THINK YOU'RE JUST NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW, YOU KNOW? JUST LIKE NOBODY ELSE BESIDES US KNOWS ABOUT THIS BOOK. Buuuuuuuurn


Circus Princess Hey, I've had multiple priests call me evil. But plenty of non-Christians have called me evil too, so I'm just evil in general, not Satanic. Or something. Maybe it's my obsession with fire and explosions that freaks them out? Or the fact that I chased my friend out of the kitchen with a steak knife once after watching Psycho as a prank? I found it hilarious. She didn't.

I NO GET THE JOKE! HELP MEEE!


message 10: by Bern (new) - added it

Bern Hell, I've never met a priest, now I feel diminished. Oh people have been calling me evil for eons, Christian or non-Christian but I have no idea why. Maybe it's the bangs. I threw a shoe at a friend once. It hit his face and I knew it would hit his face and he'd been annoying me all day and I just did it. I was ten, but still. SPAWN OF THE DEVIL, YO

THERE'S NO JOKE, JUST LAUGH AND GO WITH IT~


message 11: by Circus Princess (new)

Circus Princess I threw one of those giant foam dice at my friend yesterday. We're fucking diabolical.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA. HA. AHA.


message 12: by Bern (new) - added it

Bern There's a special place in hell for people like us. I just hope they serve good food there

BAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHA. HAHAHA....ha....ha...BAHAHAHAHA


message 13: by Bern (new) - added it

Bern I know, I know but when I started it I was exploding with rage due to her ignorance so I failed to hold it back. I'm going to delete that part - although, honestly, it just looks so damn appropriate when I think about the stuff she said - but no! I shall take the high road (sort of) and not comment on her sex life.

You made me a better person, Paige.


Richard Reviles Censorship Always in All Ways Your flashing demonstration of unprofessionalism is shocking and purely ugly. Ugly. I intend to be a writer someday and I'll be damned if I ever take heavy criticism by lashing out on a hissy fit about how everyone's so ridiculously mean to poor old me and my strangely named book.

Very well said indeed.


message 15: by Bern (new) - added it

Bern @Richard thank you, I tried to keep it as classy as I could and boy, was it a chore


Richard Reviles Censorship Always in All Ways But worthwhile. You look better than she looks.


message 17: by Bern (new) - added it

Bern Oh, you know, I try...


message 18: by Bern (new) - added it

Bern OH MY GOD, THEY'RE SO CUTE AND GAHHH! This book isn't worthy of having such perfectly cute kittens in its review, regardless of it being my review and all. I want to name them, can I name them? Can I?


message 19: by Bern (last edited Jun 01, 2012 09:19AM) (new) - added it

Bern YEEEEEEEES! I shall call the black one Beatrice, and she's the sassiest of all sassy cats to ever exist; next comes the gray one, which I hereby name Paolo Enrico, because he's the cutesy italian lover every kitty in the neighborhood wants for her - or him- self; and last but not least comes Berty Chubbycheeks, the laziest kitten in the world and as orange as they come, too.

(Aw, now I wantz picture of your cat too... Give me it, give me it!)

Woah, you have created a kitty-loving monster O.O


message 20: by Circus Princess (new)

Circus Princess TRAITOR! You said you were puppylicious!



See? Now you've made the puppy sad.


message 21: by Barbara (VampAngel) (last edited Jun 01, 2012 01:18PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Barbara (VampAngel) Very classy. I went the other way with all the cussing and name calling, because I'm way too evil to be polite. I mean I walk in a Church and the Holy Water starts to boil. It's very embarrassing when I attend weddings.

PS: Adorable kittens, can I have one? Maybe the black? I'll call him Lucy, because of Lucifer, of course.


message 22: by Bern (new) - added it

Bern @Dem I AIN'T NO TRAITOR, WHAT'S WRONG WITCHU, POINTIN' FINGERS LIKE YOU OWN THE PLACE, U MAD?

I am a prince. I care not for the sentiments of a peasant puppy. *pffts*


@VampAngel I actually wanted to cuss like fuck and tell the woman to shove her "principles" but someone had to take the high road and it clearly wasn't going to be her so the task fell upon me and you know how these things go

PS: HER NAME IS BEATRICE and you can take her home for today because I'm feeling relatively nice u.u And wow you're from Brazil too, HI *waves*


message 23: by Circus Princess (new)

Circus Princess TRAITOR!!! TRAITOR!!! I shall forever be the only truly puppylicious being in the universe.




message 24: by Bern (new) - added it

Bern I, TOO, AM PUPPYLICIOUS SEEING AS HOW I'M THE ONE WHO COINED THE TERM.

SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD SIT YOUR ASS BACK DOWN AND CALM

THE FUQ

DOWN


message 25: by Circus Princess (new)

Circus Princess Yes, but now you're KITTYLICIOUS! Y U NO LOVE PUPPIES?


message 26: by Bern (new) - added it

Bern I'M PUPPYKITTYFERGALICIOUS. I aaaaaaaall kindsa delicious, Dem. Aaaaaaaall kinds...


message 27: by Circus Princess (new)

Circus Princess I don't doubt that. But... How do you feel about pandas?


message 28: by Bern (new) - added it

Bern THEYRE MY SPIRIT ANIMALS. Now I iz Puppykittyfergapandalicious. Dayum.


message 29: by Circus Princess (new)

Circus Princess Unicorns? Do you like unicorns?! I personally enjoy putting them into meat blenders until their guts are liquidized. They taste like rainbows.


message 30: by Bern (new) - added it

Bern Taste the rainbow. Good times, man. Gooood times. You know what I like? Bunnies. MY BUNNY LIES OVER THE OOOOOCEAN! MY BUNNY LIES OVER THE SEEEEEEEEEEEE- *gets hit by a shoe*


message 31: by Circus Princess (new)

Circus Princess Aren't those the real lyrics? If not, I've been singing them wrong my entire life. Not that I had any singing talent to begin with. Bunnies are the chiz.


message 32: by Bern (new) - added it

Bern I don't think so, no. I'm pretty sucky with lyrics, I get them wrong and I stick to it, it's amazing how i haven't gotten booed yet, people really ARE nicer than everybody gives them credit for I know ok believe me I know


message 33: by Circus Princess (new)

Circus Princess Really? People just tell me to GTFO if they don't feel like listening to me. What about... DWAGONS.


message 34: by Bern (new) - added it

Bern Idk man maybe it's CAUSE I'M A PRINCE OMFG LUV ME SUM DWAGONS


message 35: by Circus Princess (new)

Circus Princess Look at me, with my pretty bracelet and tiara... I'm a fuckin' princess! ME TOO! What about...

BOOFALOS and ELEPHAUNTS.


message 36: by Bern (new) - added it

Bern Look at me, with my frocked overcoat and your arms linked with mine... WE'RE FUCKING GORGEOUS OMFG, YES! LOVE ME THEM TOO!

what about... KOAHLAHS AND KAHNGAHRUSE?


message 37: by Circus Princess (last edited Jun 01, 2012 08:57PM) (new)

Circus Princess WE ARE MORE THAN GORGEOUS, WE ARE GODLY! DEM BITCHES ARE SO JELLY.

*gasp* I luv koahwahs! and kangahwoos!

What about.... SEA PONIES!


message 38: by Bern (new) - added it

Bern THAT'S RIGHT GURL YOU TELL THEM WHO WE ARE WE AIN'T PLAYING WITH NO BITCHES

*scoffs* I LOVE CEE PONIES ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Hm... what about DOLLFINS?


message 39: by Circus Princess (new)

Circus Princess Hellz to the yeah, boy

OMGz DOLLFINZ. My aunt was eaten by a dollfinz.


message 40: by Bern (new) - added it

Bern You know it, girl

ZOMg NO WAI DOLLFINZ EET PPL????


message 41: by Circus Princess (new)

Circus Princess I DON KNOW, ASK TEH DOLLFINZ!


message 42: by Bern (new) - added it

Bern WHAT IF THEY KILL ME THOUGH? I IZ INNOCENT BYSTANDER, I NO WANT TO DIE!!


message 43: by Circus Princess (new)

Circus Princess You are not the most innocent of bystanders, Prince Bernardo. SACRIFICE! SACRIFICE! SACRIFICE!


message 44: by Bern (new) - added it

Bern BITCH YOU WERE THERE WITH ME IF THEY DEEM ME GUILTY SO ARE YOU, SO YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASS GOING AND FIND US A DAMN GOOD LAWYER


message 45: by Circus Princess (new)

Circus Princess Okay fine. But we get to go to Judge Judy, okay? I WANNA BE FAMOUSSSSS!!!!


(view spoiler)


message 46: by Bern (new) - added it

Bern Woah. You dream biiiiiig. CAN'T WE JUST AUDITION FOR THE X FACTOR OR SOMETHING? I HEAR BRITNEY WILL BE THERE OK WE NEED TO GO SEE HER!!!!!

I seriously like Britney, though, it's sad.

(view spoiler)


message 47: by Circus Princess (new)

Circus Princess NOO! WE MUST GO TO JUDGE JUDY AND WE MUST GO NOW! I'm a princess, I know how to throw a legitimate bitch fit. Would you really like to unleash that upon yourself?

(view spoiler)


message 48: by Bern (new) - added it

Bern I REFUSE TO GO TO JUDGE JUDY IF WE DON'T GO TO SEE BRITNEY. EITHER YOU CAVE IN OR WE JUST STAND HERE FOR THE REST OF THE DAY. Hey, remember when I was practically gay and also a prince? Oh, wow. I wonder what sort of terribly loud, messy and offensive fits I can throw that you can't even fathom. Huh.

(view spoiler)


message 49: by Circus Princess (new)

Circus Princess Fine. But if we see Britney and go on Judge Judy, then we also have to stop at Disneyworld. Otherwise, all bets are off. We should see who can throw a better bitch fit.

(view spoiler)


message 50: by Bern (new) - added it

Bern AWYEAH BRITNEY YEAH! It's ok, I got what i wanted, no bitch fit needed. I can still throw one for your entertainment - WHOO, ADAM LAMBERT REFERENCE - if you want to, though

(view spoiler)


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