Bubbles Hunty Honest & Direct Opinions 's Reviews > A Competitive Edge

A Competitive Edge by Adara O’Hare
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May 25, 12

bookshelves: giant-douche, free, slut-eh
Read on May 25, 2012

I didn't like the Mcs pov. It seemed dry and it rambled. I never connected with him or saw the connection between the two Mcs. Also not a harry potter fan so didn't understand all that but seemed like a cheap trick to try and use something already popular to male people like your book. Guess it has the opposite effect on someone that doesn't like it.

Even not seeing their connection I didn't like how he slept with the pizza boy, or was in the process of it when Heath walked in. Then the next day thinking how much he wants Heath and has to masturbate all the time thinking about it. Where did that come from? I sure didn't see it. You didn't seem to care the day before.

I have an extremely hard time thinking he takes this running thing seriously when during a meet and his race he is so distracted been a slut and watching other guys he falls and hurts himself. Sorry that just doesn't seem like he's committed to the competition or team at all. And then since he's hurt he tries to put pressure on Heath saying he needs to step it up and cover for him? Seriously what a douche.

Omg a really long fantasy sex/masturbation scene. Hate these so pointless and way to rip me out of the story I'm already not that into... On a side note it'd be nice to know more about Heath he is pretty much a stranger. Does he go clubbing a lot? Isn't that expensive for a poor boy? He won't even eat out he's so poor but goes clubbing?

The way he thinks about guys is like he only wants Heath because he is there. Like any guy will do but since heath shares a room might as well go for heath. He has a boner and drew walks in and he's like too bad drew wont help with it. Yeah I don't like the mc he is boring and is still just rambling the same thoughts over and over again.

Why does he want Heath now? All he started noticing was that he is hot and has a nice smile. But it's not like Heath is nice to him since he is such a slut.

After the reader has no idea who Heath is or Anything about him or where he goes/ what he does when he dresses up and leaves all day. Then randomly he wakes mc up by handcuffing him to bed to have the longest most drawn out sex scene ever? Like really? And such a long scene, I don't like long sex scenes. Especially when I don't feel any connection between the characters and the scene seems so random and out of character. Though we don't really know Heath so maybe this is in character for him? It's nice that he has no concern for the Mcs sprained ankle though. That's really sweet.

I don't get why heaths middle name being William is significant

I'm not sure why this was third person since we never got heaths pov?

And then wow sex (kind of sex anyway) one time and all of the sudden everything flowery and fine between them. Yeah okay. There was nothing in this for me to believe they belong together or will even stay together.

At least it's free.
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Comments (showing 1-3 of 3) (3 new)

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message 1: by Adara (new) - added it

Adara Thanks, I'll take the criticism to heart and work to make the next story better.

I do want to make one point in that Fleury (MC) wasn't actually running a race when he fell, it was during warm-ups, but your point still stands, either way. It was part of the original prompt I was working with, and I did decide to use it in the story.

message 2: by Adara (last edited May 27, 2012 07:39PM) (new) - added it

Adara Oh, and the 'William' name was also a Harry Potter reference. (I admittedly did a poor job of (not) explaining that in the story.) It was meant to be amusing, not a cheap trick to try to piggy-back, but I can see your point.

Bubbles  Hunty Honest & Direct Opinions I skipped the prompt some of them are too spoilery. Still just made his priorities seem like any hot piece of ass is number one no matter what the situation was.

I don't think I caught any o the Harry potter stuff except when it actually saidot was from Harry potter

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