Sign in with FacebookNadine Larter's Reviews > Fifty Shades Freed
Fifty Shades Freed (Fifty Shades, #3)
by E.L. James (Goodreads Author)
by E.L. James (Goodreads Author)
Oh dear Lord I have just finished reading this and I can't stop laughing. At the end of the book there is an Author's Note that states that the author is fully aware that you cannot walk into an American Bank and demand to draw five million dollars. Oh my ever loving hell. THAT is the part that you're apologizing for?
I want to cry scream and throw things! These books make me feel like the world is irreversibly messed up. And no - not because of the sex. Have all the kinky fun sex you want. But this man BROKE people. Am I the only person who is not ok with that? You want me to believe that this successful man is "broken" himself because his mother was a "Crack whore" (fuck you for constantly calling someone that just by the way - the constant reference to his mother as the crack whore pissed me off just as much as the shoddy workmanship and bullshit pretentious over-use of puffed up vocabulary did)but I will NEVER accept that being broken is an acceptable reason to use people like toilet paper - something our supposedly irresistible Mr. Grey even admits to.
No. I'm sorry. All of this is fucked up. The writing is pathetic, superfluous and almost every second line in this series is redundant. Awesome - so a bunch of people read about kinky sex and now the riding crop and butt plug industry is booming. So happy you guys have all got your kink on. But please do NOT try and tell me that this is a "beautiful story". It just fucking isn't. The dynamic between these two people makes my teeth hurt. The idea that any woman would put up with being treated that way repulses me to no end. And Ana herself is just a bloody idiot. Take away the good looks and the money and you're left with a creepy fucked up guy who should be in jail. You tell me he is all these wonderful things though give me no reason to believe you. Ana is supposedly this intelligent bookish person - and she narrated THIS load of crap? You tell me she is strong? I'm sorry but I see no strength. All I see is a bunch of books where sometimes stuff almost happens but nothing ever really does. Oh yeah with a lot of sex in it. Whoopdie friggen doo. If you're into reading erotica then GREAT!! Go wild. Erotica is awesome and if nothing else it might help turn you on if your hubby can't get you excited any more. But spare me the "it's such a touching story and we care about Ana and Christian" crap.
I have a newsflash for you: You're not in love with Christian Grey you just seriously need to get laid by someone who knows what they're doing.
And let me tell you something else: no matter how good the sex is NO MAN is worth being treated badly. End of story.
Also: for all of you planning to indulge in this kind of unrealistically frequent sex life - drink Citro Soda. On a daily basis. Twice daily even. I don't care how clean that man's penis is you still need to look after your vag!
I have about a million other things to say but I'm actually too exhausted to even start going there...
I want to cry scream and throw things! These books make me feel like the world is irreversibly messed up. And no - not because of the sex. Have all the kinky fun sex you want. But this man BROKE people. Am I the only person who is not ok with that? You want me to believe that this successful man is "broken" himself because his mother was a "Crack whore" (fuck you for constantly calling someone that just by the way - the constant reference to his mother as the crack whore pissed me off just as much as the shoddy workmanship and bullshit pretentious over-use of puffed up vocabulary did)but I will NEVER accept that being broken is an acceptable reason to use people like toilet paper - something our supposedly irresistible Mr. Grey even admits to.
No. I'm sorry. All of this is fucked up. The writing is pathetic, superfluous and almost every second line in this series is redundant. Awesome - so a bunch of people read about kinky sex and now the riding crop and butt plug industry is booming. So happy you guys have all got your kink on. But please do NOT try and tell me that this is a "beautiful story". It just fucking isn't. The dynamic between these two people makes my teeth hurt. The idea that any woman would put up with being treated that way repulses me to no end. And Ana herself is just a bloody idiot. Take away the good looks and the money and you're left with a creepy fucked up guy who should be in jail. You tell me he is all these wonderful things though give me no reason to believe you. Ana is supposedly this intelligent bookish person - and she narrated THIS load of crap? You tell me she is strong? I'm sorry but I see no strength. All I see is a bunch of books where sometimes stuff almost happens but nothing ever really does. Oh yeah with a lot of sex in it. Whoopdie friggen doo. If you're into reading erotica then GREAT!! Go wild. Erotica is awesome and if nothing else it might help turn you on if your hubby can't get you excited any more. But spare me the "it's such a touching story and we care about Ana and Christian" crap.
I have a newsflash for you: You're not in love with Christian Grey you just seriously need to get laid by someone who knows what they're doing.
And let me tell you something else: no matter how good the sex is NO MAN is worth being treated badly. End of story.
Also: for all of you planning to indulge in this kind of unrealistically frequent sex life - drink Citro Soda. On a daily basis. Twice daily even. I don't care how clean that man's penis is you still need to look after your vag!
I have about a million other things to say but I'm actually too exhausted to even start going there...
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Reading Progress
| 07/21/2012 |
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18.0% |
"Well.... I thought that this last instalment was perhaps so boring that there wasn't even anything to rip it off about... And then the car chase started. Apparently an "unsub" is following them. You know - since they all work at the BAU. Also - the most annoying thing about being followed by a maniac is that you might get a speeding ticket. How frightfully annoying..." |
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| 07/21/2012 |
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19.0% |
"*snort* Ok so.... mad man chases them in car... They somehow sneak into a parking lot and lose the guy. They have sex. SIDENOTE: If you are not Shemar Moore then please don't say "unsub" and expect me to not laugh at your pretentious ass..." |
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| 07/21/2012 |
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19.0% | "I beg your pardon... Mad woman..." | |
| 07/21/2012 |
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19.0% | "Now here's some quality dialogue for you: "You like the car. I like the car. I've fucked you in it...perhaps I should fuck you on it."" | |
| 07/21/2012 |
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22.0% | "Ah... At least she cleaned her own butt plug and didn't leave it for the maid..." 2 comments | |
| 07/21/2012 |
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23.0% | "Ok I realize that I am perhaps taking anal retentiveness to a whole new level but you don't put avocados in the fridge!" 2 comments | |
| 07/21/2012 |
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23.0% |
""Holy cow, her really does love me." FFS woman he married you and he absolutely refused to let you sign a prenup. Other than that he has basically given up his sociopathic tendencies for you. But you get "he really loves me" from him allowing you to decorate your house... Makes sense..." |
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| 07/22/2012 |
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60.0% | "Have I mentioned that I hate these two? Seriously.... Maybe I'm just a prude but my motto tends to be "if your husband/boyfriend/dominant is being an asshole don't fuck him."" 4 comments | |
| 07/22/2012 |
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63.0% | "You know... It's so funny the last time my stepfather was in a coma and quite likely to die I also sat in his hospital room and judged the nurses hair colour. It's what you do!" | |
| 07/23/2012 |
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64.0% | "So.... Her father has been in a nearly fatal accident. She has been at the hospital all day. And she is vaguely worried (but relieved because her libido is a bit low) that her husband has not tried to have sex with her. Seriously.... How has this chicks vagina not fallen out yet?" | |
| 07/23/2012 |
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65.0% | "Clearly these people have word-of-the-day toilet paper. Today's word? Yar. Who the heck uses that word EVER nevermind three times in one chapter..." 3 comments | |
| 07/23/2012 |
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69.0% | "Ah yes well... It totally makes sense to celebrate with " life affirming" sex when your father comes out of a coma. In fact all parental triumphs should be celebrated in this way. You know... Then you could say things like "happy birthday mom. Hubby and I will be experimenting with butt plugs in honor of you this evening."" 3 comments | |
| 07/24/2012 |
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87.0% | "I'm a bit confused. Am I supposed to find it cute that her husband treats her like an insubordinate employee when she accidentally falls pregnant but she forgives him anyway? Like quite easily? This seems backward to me. Like it's ok for you to treat me as badly as you want to because I love you and you love me and we'll just forgive each other so why bother with all that treating each other properly stuff?" | |
| 07/24/2012 |
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91.0% | "Oh for heavens sake! What the hell is an incoherent moan supposed to be? Enunciate those moans baby! It's all about diction!" 2 comments |
Comments (showing 1-36 of 36) (36 new)
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Dawn
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Jul 24, 2012 01:08pm
Oh my God, this is the best review I have ever read. Thank you.
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There's a difference between Anne Rice's Sleeping Beauty end and this one: Anne Rice understand that Beauty can NEVER marry someone who has raped her, even if he is the Prince Charm... mrs. James thinks it is the ONLY happy ending. This is how you know one author is good and the other sucks!
*goes off to buy Anne Rice's Sleeping Beauty in an attempt to reconnect with the REAL literary world*
It's brutal, shocking and you can feel Beauty's suffering... I was amazed with her writing, cruel and nice BDSM. This one is just a sample XD
I did. I didn't feel like I would bee entitled to any sort of opinion without reading them. Kind of like you can't complain about the government if you don't vote...I must admit though that I am considering re-reading all my favourite books again to wash away the bitter taste this series has left behind.
Great review. Like all authors, books like 50 Shades make me cringe. Why am I wasting time trying to write decent prose when this is the crap that sells?
Nadine wrote: "I did. I didn't feel like I would bee entitled to any sort of opinion without reading them. Kind of like you can't complain about the government if you don't vote...Can I adopt you as my proxy and thank you for reading this trash on my behalf?! Great review - I really enjoyed it!
I love you Nadine. I'm sick of seeing these posts on FB & other places about how wonderful Edw.. oops I mean Christian is. My standard response is "yes, if your ideal man is a narcissistic, psychopathic, abusive, stalker control-freak".I don't even want to talk about the people who say that their relationship is a "lifestyle". This book is so far from an accurate portrayal of a BDSM relationship as to be harmful.
Jemima wrote: Can I adopt you..."I am always up for adoption. Especially if said adoption comes with free meals...and cupcakes...
Annette wrote: "I love you Nadine. I'm sick of seeing these posts on FB & other places about how wonderful Edw.. oops I mean Christian is. My standard response is "yes, if your ideal man is a narcissistic, psychop..."I love you too Annette ;) The whole thing makes me shudder!
Great review, you took the words out of my mouth!I'm am so sick of ppl telling me how amazing and brilliant these books are....these books are so poorly written that my niece could do a better job! Go read a decent book and then you'll know what a brilliant book is like!
Whats even worse is that last night here in the UK there was a documentary about the books and the authour....srsly WTF!
It really makes me feel uncomfortable that some women fawn over Christian and everything he's about, I'm sorry but that shit has abuse written all over it and it disturbs me that people find that sexy...Ah makes me so mad!
Sory went off on a wee rant there....oops lol
I can't even say what my favorite part of your review was. But this: "You're not in love with Christian Grey you just seriously need to get laid by someone who knows what they're doing." makes me want to buy you a present. thank you.
Kassiah wrote: "I can't even say what my favorite part of your review was. But this: "You're not in love with Christian Grey you just seriously need to get laid by someone who knows what they're doing." makes me ..."<----shoe size 6
Kassiah wrote: "I can't even say what my favorite part of your review was. But this: "You're not in love with Christian Grey you just seriously need to get laid by someone who knows what they're doing." makes me ..."Jokes aside that comment is 100% true. I remember being 14 and reading lame romance novels (with what is now considered very tame erotica)and all that sex was exciting as hell because penises were still the most terrifying thing on the planet. You grow up and you learn how sex and relationships and respect all slot in together. Are we sure that these novels haven't all been bought by curious 14 year olds? And we're just calling it Mommy porn because we can't call it kiddie porn? Because that would make more sense to me. Although... that still doesn't explain why no one is running for the hills or turning to lesbianism out of self defence! (Seriously - these books shut my libido down. Poor hubby had to hang tight till I was done reading them before I would even let him look at me!)
Awesome review. I haven't read the third book, but I read the first and absolutely hated it. So I feel like everything you said here is echoing how I feel about the first one. I wanted to read Fifty Shades so I could have my own "informed" opinion... But I couldn't bring myself to read the rest of the series.
Ashley (booknook) wrote: "Awesome review. I haven't read the third book, but I read the first and absolutely hated it. So I feel like everything you said here is echoing how I feel about the first one. I wanted to read Fift..."Don't bother. I thought maybe the writing/storyline/debasement would improve as the series went along. It doesn't.
There is a reason your review was commented by so few. Your review in one word, childish. I too, did not enjoy the literary style displayed in these books, but felt your description of this style lacked any real substance and the colorful metaphors you felt called to use added nothing to the word picture.Maybe your intended audience was high schoolers and you felt the need to brow beat"self respect" into them, but I would have thought a more neutral review, with less moral "high horse" crap would have made your review worthy of a second glance.
Michelle wrote: "There is a reason your review was commented by so few. Your review in one word, childish. ..."Childish? Definitely. It's not very often that anything makes me feel quite so much like a petulant child in desperate need of stamping her feet and screaming in frustration. As for my "intended audience" I gave that no thought. I simply thought "Gah! This sucks. Let me vent like a spoilt brat and perhaps I shall get to feel better". Since my reviews are not being graded by a literary professor and I have no intention of writing any sort of irreproachable thesis, my reviews are and always will be about how books make ME feel. I owe no one an educated explanation on why I did or did not like any certain thing. Whether or not I choose to give an explanation is my choice and my choice alone. If you would like to offer your own views on the literary style then please, be my guest. But to me - neutral reviews are for home décor magazines...and they are often written by people who have not picked up a book in months. I stand by my moral high horse as I do honestly believe that this kind of bizarre relationship dynamic is no less dangerous than Stockholm Syndrome. You see this exact kind of messed up dynamic in abused children ALL the time. You have a child who loves their abuser and therefore puts up with the abuse. "He loves me. He buys me things. He helps me with my homework. I love him. I can put up with the molestation even though it makes me uncomfortable." It happens. Here it is happening with an adult. Yes, the literary style was lacking - but that is not the part that made my blood run cold. The glorifying of an abusive relationship was appalling. And you know? I don't think the author even realized that she had done it. So...villianize me if you must. But I will always believe that this kind of thing needs to be spoken out against. There are far too many women and children in the world being squashed by dominant men. Loving someone does not give them the right to treat you whichever way they choose. It does not give them the right to convince you that something that makes you uncomfortable is "ok". And I sadly feel like this book is sending the opposite message.
Nadine wrote: "Michelle wrote: "There is a reason your review was commented by so few. Your review in one word, childish. ..."Childish? Definitely. It's not very often that anything makes me feel quite so muc..."
*Stands up and gives a round of applause to you Nadine*
Nadine wrote: "Michelle wrote: "There is a reason your review was commented by so few. Your review in one word, childish. ..."Childish? Definitely. It's not very often that anything makes me feel quite so muc..."
Nadine....I think I love you!
Great review=] and awesome comeback on the troll. Bet she's back under the bridge, stamping her feet by now..
Ok, THANK YOU for slogging through this crapfest, and relaying the relevant bits so that those of us who avoided it like the plague still have coherent things to say about 'why it should not BE.' (and was amazingly, wonderfully snarky in the write-up)
This is the second time I've been directed back here by someone, so congrads dear, your review has gone viral.
Fab...Couldn't bring myself to read what was so obviously fan fic. Glad/Sorry you did. Your review has confirmed my earlier belief that this book would be crap. Seeing the reviews written by Twilight and 50 Shades fans also confirms the theory. When they read real literature - Brahms Stoker's Dracula for instance - they Freak out about how horrible it is, and how they couldn't even finish it. I think they probably stopped reading it because they strained their brains. This is what our education system(s) has created. I feel sad.
You know I was reading a piece by Barbara Taylor Bradford or Joan Collins or one of those other seasoned romance writers the other day and she was saying that she thinks that perhaps there are a whole lot of people who have never really read sex before and that is why 50 Shades has suddenly opened up an excitement that they have never experienced before. Now I of course take things like that for granted - I've been reading about sex since I was in my early teens! But never did I ever consider that my reading habits had kind of defined a level-headed sexual appetite and attitude in me. Sex neither shocks nor surprises me. I am happy with my sex life and get what I need from it...but I've always kind of assumed that is the norm. I read about sex therefore I know about sex and my imagination is fuelled so my real life benefits from it. Perhaps if I wasn't a reader and was feeling a bit miserably "obligational" about my sex life I would also think 50 Shades was the greatest love story ever. I mean come ON! A woman happy with her sex life? Orgasms galore? MONEY! Blah blah. This isn't everybody? So...I have to ask myself...am I happy with my sex life because I have been taught through literature to expect good sex? (which means I get what I want) And if I have subconsciously learned this kind of expectation through the books I have read....what exactly are the people who are impressed by this book subconsciously learning? Is that an insane concern? Because really the emotional dynamic of this book...damn! It makes my tummy all knotty...
I think the problem stems from what "Romance" novels within the genre have provided. Unless you've gone into "paranormal" romance - which makes it 'ok' for the sex to get kinky/animal/explicit because of 'non-human' participants in a 'fantasy' world- sex is pretty... pedestrian. (It's 'shocking' and 'exotic' if they do it non-missionary or *gasp* OUTSIDE the bedroom!) BDSM doesn't enter the picture- that's 'kinky' and 'fringe.'
So to those of us who are familiar with 'the lifestyle' (and yup, even Dan Savage will admit, kinky *straight* women are a minority) this kind of pedestrian flirting with 'kinky' sex- nevermind YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!!!! - has no notion of SSC- mainly the "Safe" and "Sane" part of of Safe/Sane/Consensual. (There was a joke about misspelling "caning" in the first book- think it was printed as "canning" - which, based on Edward's utter inexperience level, may be less painful.)
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In the end, I think women are learning bad sex etiquette, and utter disregard for their own safety and sanity if they 'play' this way. But one hopes they'll move on to 'good' erotica and better resources as they take their baby steps out of the sex-shame culture thrust on women for most of their lives and get over their embarrassment for reading/thinking/experimenting with 'dirty' things.
Feminism/women's movement/equality in the bedroom are still only 30 years old - so anyone over that had their values and self image indoctrinated before that (the 60s culture had a HUGE backlash in the 70s, and was NEVER middle-class, midwest 'mainstream') so anyone born before 1980 is probably subject to that mainstream pressure that dismissed erotica as 'dirty' or 'men's territory.' 'Respectable' women don't read those kinds of books. They read *gak* historical romance.
I've read Miller, Nin, Sade, some pretty nasty stuff and I adore Miller, his writing is really good. But this? Oh dear...
