Eddy Allen's Reviews > Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl
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May 15, 12

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This Roald Dahl provided a quite inspiring and entertaining read, which I enjoyed and therefore approve of. However, he got my story entirely wrong. Here's what actually happened, uncensored and unmerciful:

So these punk kids more or less broke into my factory after finding the Golden Tickets, having no idea why I actually planted them on the candy bars. Their parents insisted I give them a tour instead of proceeding to give them their "prize." The "prize" was actually sacrificing them to the leader of the Oompa Loompas. The Oompa Loompas agree to work for me at minimum wage, but require a sacrifice of human flesh every so often to appease them, and frankly i had run out of human workers to give up. Anyway, I relented so as not to risk them leaving. What happened when I let these kids loose in my factory was a disaster, they ended up getting killed one way or another. Dahl snuck in a bit of the truth by describing Augustus Gloop's gruesome death by giant vacuum. Violet Beauregarde choked on a USB drive on my computer table that she mistook for a piece of gum. I simply grew tired of Veruca Salt's bratty nature and fed her to my prized Bengal Tiger (not a bunch of squirrels, it only took one tiger. I used the squirrels to clean up the mess). Mike Teevee was taken out by my Oompa Loompa security force; a taser to the back shocked the life out of his body and he was promptly disposed of. With only Charlie Bucket left, and considering that he just had to watch four other children perish, I figured I'd at least let him have some fun before he was dipped in the Boiling Pot of Misfortune to be cooked to perfection by Kookie, the giant deformed Oompa Loompa I keep in the basement to cook my meals (or in this case, for the chief of the Oompa Loompas). After he got to mess with (meaning wreck) my Flying Glass Elevator, I had him thrown in the boiling pot and cooked to perfection. The Oompa Loompa Chief, a fellow named Garglesplot, enjoyed his meal thoroughly. He seemed to like the meat of children more, so once in awhile I hold another contest and just pretend that I'm letting these kids live in my factory instead of die in it.

Obviously this wouldn't ensure parental approval as a children's book, and once a movie was made there was no way it would obtain a "G" rating, this I know for a fact after speaking to Dahl personally. He sugar-coated it a bit, but I enjoyed this version nonetheless.
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