karen's Reviews > The XXX-Files

The XXX-Files by Delilah Fawkes
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Oct 18, 14

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Read on May 01, 2012

what are the three best x-files episodes ever?

field trip:



monday:



and quagmire:



these are undeniable truths, so don't even try to dispute me, because i have heard it all before.

but look - x-files erotica!

i must confess, i just don't enjoy erotica. i usually gloss over the sexxy bits in even regular not-erotic-centric books because they just don't do anything for me. i will read monster porn all day and all night, because i think they are a hoot,because - monsters (!!!) - but people doin' it regular-style, even characters i recognize and enjoy- well, it is just not my thing.to read. even though delilah fawkes rocks.(rawkes??)

so the three-stars here is indicative of my ambivalence to the people-sex, not a response to the merits of these particular sex scenes. sunny has deemed them "creamy," so they must be good - i just don't really have a solid frame of comparison. "wait, so the aliens just observe and facilitate, they do not participate? throw in a gargoyle. and then we'll talk..."

but for the rest of you, who like your people sexy and your monsters scary:






read this they do it!
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Comments (showing 1-50 of 62) (62 new)


message 1: by Tatiana (new)

Tatiana What in the world is Mulder doing to that cup?!


karen i'm not sure, but the matryoshka dolls seem fascinated.


message 3: by Dan (new)

Dan Schwent Field Trip is awesome.


karen yes! my all-time favorite!!


message 5: by Judith (new) - added it

Judith I sweat...I swoon

I always figured the X-Files had more potential.....than usual

;-P~~~~~~


message 6: by Paquita Maria (new)

Paquita Maria Sanchez Does she use their character names exactly, or does she use some weird variation like 'Smolder' and 'Sully'?


message 7: by Nicole (new)

Nicole The cup thing should be explained in Californication.


message 8: by David (new)

David < img src="web address" width="500"/ >


message 9: by Megan (new) - added it

Megan You know Karen, Delilah Fawkes does apparently have quiet a large selection of monster smut. This one looks the most entertaining though I Fucked Cthulhu


message 10: by Moira (new)

Moira Russell Yikes the giant pictures destroyed my feed layout. :-/


message 11: by Tatiana (last edited May 02, 2012 12:29PM) (new)

Tatiana Megan wrote: "You know Karen, Delilah Fawkes does apparently have quiet a large selection of monster smut. This one looks the most entertaining though I Fucked Cthulhu"

Thank you, Megan!

Warning: This 4500 word story contains tentacle rape, monster cocks, triple penetration, and an ending you won't soon forget!

I mean, really, who gets "creamy" on that?


message 12: by Jennifer (new)

Jennifer Didik clyde bruckman's final repose - end of story. karen, this is the highlight of my day.


message 13: by Megan (last edited May 02, 2012 12:48PM) (new) - added it

Megan Tatiana wrote: "Megan wrote: "You know Karen, Delilah Fawkes does apparently have quiet a large selection of monster smut. This one looks the most entertaining though I Fucked Cthulhu"

Thank you, Megan!..."


Karen's reviews of monster porn are the best! This book sounds hilarious :)

Regarding getting "creamy" ~ something tells me these books are written for men, rather than women. Just seems like bizarro dude porn (no offense to bizarro dudes!)


message 14: by David (new)

David Thank you, brissy.


karen but i didn't even fix it yet! i have been napping because of fever. but thank you - because i am going to be doing the AIFAF at some point, and i don't want it to be all stupid. will they ever fix this thing?


karen is it fixed now?


karen i am going to read the cthulhu one soon!


karen Paquita Maria wrote: "Does she use their character names exactly, or does she use some weird variation like 'Smolder' and 'Sully'?"

oh, sorry - yeah the names are "smolder" and "slutty." no lawsuits here!


message 19: by Jubilation Lee (new)

Jubilation Lee I mean, clearly you're wrong, because everyone knows Bad Blood is at the top of the list.

Unfortunately I can't defend my opinion at the moment because I'm too busy staring at that photo... and that cup... my God......


message 20: by David (new)

David karen wrote: "but i didn't even fix it yet! i have been napping because of fever. but thank you - because i am going to be doing the AIFAF at some point, and i don't want it to be all stupid. will they ever fix ..."

Hmmm... They went away on my feed already. I don't know what happened...


message 21: by Melki (new)

Melki Mulder's picture gives new meaning to the phrase 'coffee, tea, or me?'.


message 22: by Miriam (new)

Miriam You have a fever, karen? I'm sorry. Get better!


message 23: by Moira (new)

Moira Russell karen wrote: "is it fixed now?"

Not for me, sadly....


message 24: by [deleted user] (last edited May 02, 2012 02:31PM) (new)

Karen - I am sorry you are sick....

Okay - this is my fault. I suggested this to you but I didn't realize Aliens weren't going to be “involved” if you know what I mean, so my bad. You need to read the gargoyle book, when you feel better. You will love that! I promise!

As for me finding the book “creamy” – don’t judge me on my porn. If I didn’t review it, who would? We all can’t live on Bigfoot porn. Besides, I think I am a little jaded at the moment, reading the 33 books of monster/weird/strange books. I am going to my corner now and read some sweet young adult books.


karen no judgment from me! i was promoting you!


message 26: by Maureen (new)

Maureen i had that image of mulder ripped from a magazine back in the day... it's not quite clear but it's a cafe au lait cup. and there were legends about what it contained back then that still make me smile. and i just posted the duchovny bree sharp song on facebook just a couple of weeks ago.

i will agree that the first two episodes you mention are great late favourites, but i'm kind of surprised by the quagmire love (that's the title of big blue, i think).

i don't think i could pick a top three. AND I AM CERTAINLY NOT ARGUING BUT AM CURIOUS AS TO THE RATIONALE FOR KAREN'S TOP THREE. :)

i think season 3 and season 5 were my favourite seasons. bad blood is definitely up there (the two different tellings of the story, the jealousy, luke wilson's buck teeth) i was crazy about the episodes that darin morgan wrote in season 3, especially jose chung from outer space, as jen wisely mentioned above. i was actually kind of in love with darin morgan and wanted to marry him. small potatoes did not deter me. :) other awesome episodes: the post-modern prometheus, DPO ("MRS. KIVEAT! C'MON NOW, YOU'RE PISSING ME OFF!", man i loved giovanni ribisi in that. and jack black was unknown and still cool), and the one that scared me the most, season 4's home, with the peacock family. i've never been able to hear johnny mathis' "wonderful wonderful" since, without cringing.

and to bring it back to this review... i first read pablo neruda because he was quoted in x-files erotic fan fiction than i found out about on alt.tv.x-files. i still have the drinking game i found there somewhere. :)

YES I AM A BIG X-FILES NERD. :)


karen well, fuck me - i really thought it was called "big blue," the episode. i am a terrible x-files nerd.

i don't know why, but i love that episode. i love the quiet talky bits at the end. if it had to be five, "home" would have made it along with "post-modern prometheus." but the powers that be twisted my arm and said "you must choose three! and they must be correct!!"

and they are.


karen oh, and small potatoes shouldn't deter you!!! what's better than a tail???


karen Thomas wrote: "the episode with lucky wilson was fantastic."


are you on a phone??


karen it's still cute.


message 31: by Moira (new)

Moira Russell karen wrote: "is it fixed now?"

Well, now all I see is '[image]' on my feed like with most images. WTH GOODREADS


message 32: by Moira (new)

Moira Russell especially jose chung from outer space, as jen wisely mentioned above

That's the best best best XF ep ever. The very best.


message 33: by Maureen (new)

Maureen moira! you have immortalized my typo and my misquote! jen was talking about clyde bruckman, which i thought about in terms of my darin morgan obsession and then my brain leap-frogged over to jose chung's from outer space. sigh.

karen! sometimes the names we prefer are the names that best suit: big blue is much more evocative than quagmire which is probably why you remembered it that way. i love that quiet talk too... but i was always sad about queequeg.

once i grabbed the great mutato/jeffrey spender's ass on a dance floor: definitely a highlight. :P

and it's not the tail i mind, so much as all the stepchildren. and also that they put him on meds so i wouldn't get to sleep with mulder and luke skywalker as well as the hotness that is darin morgan. :P

i miss ed from northern exposure. where'd he go anyway?


karen i did not mind one bit about queequeg. am i a monster? scully needs a real dog - like an irish setter to match or something.

and i will need some embellishment about your ass-grabbing, because i have never grabbed the ass of anyone on the x-files.


message 35: by Jennifer (new)

Jennifer Didik i was actually a little nervous that moira had mind-reading capabilities because while i was typing that post i thought to myself, "you know, it's kind of a toss up between clyde bruckman and jose chung, but i need to take a side. make a stand."

so, moira, if you can indeed read minds and are reading mine right now, i'll just say... if you tell anyone, you're a dead man.


karen i also like the unnatural.


message 37: by [deleted user] (new)

karen wrote: "no judgment from me! i was promoting you!"

I know, thank you. Are you feeling better?


message 38: by Moira (new)

Moira Russell Jennifer wrote: "so, moira, if you can indeed read minds and are reading mine right now, i'll just say... if you tell anyone, you're a dead man. "

Hey, I didn't spend all those years playing Dungeons and Dragons and not learn a little something about courage....


karen Sunny wrote: "karen wrote: "no judgment from me! i was promoting you!"

I know, thank you. Are you feeling better?"


a bit. i have sucked down dayquil and ibuprofin 800mg that are the size of dinosaur eggs. soon, i will go watch greg eat a burger, and buy myself some soup.

i have been trying to complete 3 different projects over here, but keep dozing off...


message 40: by Maureen (last edited May 02, 2012 07:12PM) (new)

Maureen oh no, jennifer. that was me reading your mind. but that's okay because i found out on the weekend from a hermetic philosophy student that i have undine spirit powers. potentially. don't worry. i'm assured they are very good and positive empathic powers. :)

karen! you are my season six gal! duchovny's joint is a actually sort of lovely. but i was sad that they had to switch out darren mcgavin for his same-name brother because he got sick -- i have the box set (of course)and some of the extra scenes show my sweet sweet kolchak man doing some of the lines, and i like his performance better. jessie l. martin was great as ex too.

have you watched kolchak? i love that show so much.

what about drive? i always liked drive. and of course, triangle. scully looked awesome, and the smoking man speaking german? yes!

as for queequeg, i'm pretty sure scully got him from clyde bruckman and clyde bruckman took him in after queequeg ate his dead owner's face off? i think that's what happened. i think queequeg's looks were deceiving. scully didn't really have time for a dog, but i was still sad anyway. i don't like anything bad to happen to dogs. i've never even owned a dog. but there it is. it is probably my undine powers again. you are probably an air spirit!

and finally: the first time i ever went to a sci-fi convention, and it was a small local. the big guest was amber benson from buffy and i needed to give my friend lee a special gift so i paid for us to both go. chris owens/the great mutato/jeffrey spender was also a guest. and he came to the big toronto trek dance where (no word of a lie) they played star trek theme remixes. and hungry like the wolf. but he was really easy going and kind of slutty so we were all groping him on the dance floor. i looked for photographic evidence online since my computer from that era died when i used it to defrost some butter but i couldn't really find anything...

if you go this link for the following year's convention which we also attended after the fun of grabbing chris owens ass, http://rustaz.com/cosplay/tt17/index.htm that he also had so much fun that he also came back and partied with us some more (with pixie sticks). i am mentioned on this page by my screen name "modusa". i was invited by the fella who wrote the account, who went by the screen name "silent bob" to be part of the toronto trek message board maidens nude pin-up calendar, but i demurred. also, my mum made this guy i was sleeping with a neo costume and it is also on that page!

more truth than you thought was out there, i imagine. :)


message 41: by Maureen (new)

Maureen Moira wrote:Hey, I didn't spend all those years playing Dungeons and Dragons and not learn a little something about courage.... "

i love you so much, moira. i can't believe you can rhyme that off after so many years. :)

karen! i am remiss in not wishing you wellness. i wish i was there to make you soup! :)


karen your posts always leave me wanting more. now i need to know more about how you used a computer to defrost butter. not "why" because - obviously, you wanted butter defrosted. but "how."

i just went to the store and bought two different kinds of expensive soups. hopefully, they will cure me.

more resposnes later...after i try to remember how to work a can opener.


message 43: by Moira (new)

Moira Russell Maureen wrote: "i love you so much, moira. i can't believe you can rhyme that off after so many years. :)"

OMG, we seriously still quote that ep around the house after all these years. The spousal overunit is particularly fond of Bad Blood ("WHYY are we going to DALLAS?"). And "You do the things you do because you're a homicidal maniac." &c &c Those are the top ones, I think.


message 44: by Esteban (new)

Esteban del Mal Gillian Anderson in that role is just some straight up geeky male masturbation material.

Or so I've heard.

(Also, she was in a shitty made-for-tv version of Moby-Dick recently as Mrs. Ahab. Va-va-va-voom.

Photobucket

Those lips could suck the white right off that whale.)


message 45: by Phoebe (new)

Phoebe I'm glad Small Potatoes got a shout-out. FAVE X-FILES EP EVER.

I may or may not have consumed and created massive amounts of Mulder/Krycek slash at thirteen.


karen hahha i rewatched all the x-files with greg, and every time krycek came onscreen, i would say "krycek is handsome." even if he had only been off-screen for a moment. it was my version of a drinking game.


message 47: by Greg (new)

Greg Lies! We only watched the first five seasons.


karen really?


message 49: by Phoebe (new)

Phoebe Don't worry, Karen. Only the first five seasons count, anyway.


message 50: by Miriam (new)

Miriam i've never even owned a dog. but there it is. it is probably my undine powers again.

You could have a water spaniel, or a Newfie.

I'm surprised with all this Gillian Anderson lovin' no one has mentioned her brief but excellent appearance in the Tristram Shandy film...


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