CASE # 0197SUBJECT:
Brigid Kemmerer, AuthorHYPOTHESIS:
Subject writes highly addictive books that are a serious impediment to normal sleep patterns.Exhibit A: StormExhibit B: SparkSTATUS:
Considered a serious risk to all reasonable conduct.
This paper is an emergency presentation to provide anecdotal evidence that the young adult author Brigid Kemmerer is a menace to society. Through her Elemental series, which follows a group of dangerously attractive brothers with the power to harness the forces of nature, she has irresponsibly spread rampant mass hysteria in a thinly disguised attempt to take over the paranormal romance genre.TEST READERS HAVE REPORTED:
irregular breathing, flushed cheeks, and most alarmingly, a tendency to dissolve into incoherent giggles while reading the novels. Left unchecked, the subject will continue to be a detriment to all reasonable behavior as readers seem physically incapable of putting down her books.
Furthermore, after careful examination of her latest novel Spark
, the following conclusions have been drawn.*Theory #1: Brigid Kemmerer may be a gleeful pyromaniac.
Of all the natural earth elements, fire is perhaps the hardest to control and the most thoroughly destructive. Gabriel Merrick has been able to transform this incredibly powerful element all his life--but problem is, right now he's having trouble controlling it. And in his desire to prove himself, he takes on dangerous risks that alienate those he cares about the most. The author's descriptions of the magic harnessed and the gorgeous yet frightening sight of fire flaring out of control are incredibly evocative, and will likely satisfy those who felt let down by a similarly themed but disappointing Struck
. Given how convincingly the fire element is described in this book, it's entirely possible that the author's deadly accuracy comes from personal experience with playing with this fascinating and unknowable force.Theory #2: Brigid Kemmerer is surrounded by gorgeous, playful men who know how to kiss a girl senseless.
It's hard to write a male who is cocky, sarcastic, and a nice guy underneath it all, but Gabriel is a completely believable teenage guy who mouths off without thinking, but who is also capable of decency and tenderness. Both he and Layne, the troubled girl who tutors him, are layered, interesting characters whose relationship develops naturally. All the hot and heavy makeout scenes and underlying emotional growth in this book are likely the result of months and months of hedonistic indulgence as the author "researched" her book.Theory #3: Brigid Kemmerer stole the prized guidebook on How to Write a Fun Paranormal Romance.
This highly coveted manual outlines how to introduce fascinating powers, nuanced characters, snappy, amusing dialogue, and highly entertaining plots. What's especially interesting about Spark
is that Kemmerer mixes up some of the usual paranormal checkpoints so that the main character is denied his power and the romantic interest is unaware of his abilities for most of the book, so that the swoon-worthy romance and the brotherly relationships are what really carry this story through. The fact that the subject was able to write a fun and fluffy book that isn't shallow provides nearly irrevocable proof that the author has confiscated the very few copies of the guidebook that exist.*Please note that these theories are yet unproven, but the testimony from countless readers is overwhelming authentication.CONCLUSION:
Subject must be captured at all costs and detained until the remaining Elemental books are finished, so test readers may go through the series as quickly as possible. It is absolutely vital that their exposure is limited to a short period of time. Failure to contain Kemmerer's growing popularity will result in untold damage to readers' health, work habits, and relationships as their rampant enthusiasm for her books will continue to override all common sense.This review also appears in The Midnight Garden. An advance copy was provided by the publisher.
Win an Autographed Copy of Spark! VOLUNTEER TO TEST THIS DANGEROUS CONTRABAND:
Brigid Kemmerer has offered to prove that her books are not detrimental to your health. She will send a copy of Spark
with an inscribed message to one of our readers anywhere in the world. (And no, you don't necessarily have to have read the first book before reading this one.)
If you're interested in volunteering despite all of our attempts to convince you how much reading these books will affect your well-being, you may enter on the blog
But don't say we didn't warn you.