Mel's Reviews > Fifty Shades of Grey

Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James
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May 07, 12

bookshelves: masochistastic, 1-books, adult, bad-romance, hated-with-all-of-my-hate
Read from April 27 to May 07, 2012

Garbage. Absolutely horrifying, utter trash. A waste of trees, bookshelf space and precious, oh so very fucking precious braincells. Honestly, why is this even published? Every single book store in Sydney is promoting this tripe, claiming it to be some kind of awesome romance novel. Are you absolutely shitting me? There is nothing romantic at all about this 'book'. And I don't mean the BDSM erotica themes, I mean the fifty levels of abuse in this friggin' thing.

In fact, that's what this book should be called. 'Fifty shades of absolute-fucking-insanity-and-abuse'. I know at least every one star reviewer has taken the title and created their own pun with it, but fuck it, I'm jumping on the bandwagon too.

Before I decided to read this (God help me), I kept seeing it everywhere I went, and the book store where I work was involved in the promotion among other book store chains. Typical. All me and my co-workers knew that it was smut, and a hell of a lot of it too. We even turned the book into a drinking game, and it goes as thus: Flip to a random page of the book. If it's something dirty, take a drink. I do not recommend this game, for one could die from alcohol poisoning within the first round. But if you're feeling adventurous... by all means. Glad I could be of service to your crazy party ideas.

But anyway, let's cut to my opinion of this abomination of literature. I decided to read it because it sounded like garbage, and I haven't written a review about garbage in too long. I owed something to the people who actually found me worthwhile to follow on Goodreads. So I decided hell, I'll review this.

Brain cells I will never, ever, EVER, get back.

This is literally the worst book I have ever read, and I say that about many books. But this is the worst book for a damn good reason. Let's talk about what I hated about this book. The bottom line is I hated absolutely everything. And I'm not saying that to be funny, I'm saying that out of all seriousness. I didn't find a single redeeming quality in this book. With the Hush, hush series we at least had the unintentional hilarity and the awesomeness of Marcie. In Twilight we had that chick who wanted to kill Bella and Tyler's van. Fifty shades of Grey has no such redeeming qualities. The characters are bland and merely props to set the stage for fucking weird BDSM-ing, and the plot was lost somewhere in the vagina of the author's wet dream. (Believe me, I feel weird for even typing these words.)

Not to mention, even though everyone already knows this, this was originally a Twilight fan fiction called 'Master of the universe' or some shitty, stupid title like that. How did such a thing get published? What, Twilight wasn't horrible and abuse-glorifying enough, so we had to kick it up a notch with publishing 'Master of the universe'? Are you people serious? Why is it that dumber and dumber things are getting published? Quality is almost non-existent. Fucking hell.

But before I rant on for hours about that, let's talk about the characters. Oh, I mean props. Yeah, props is more appropriate. Why? Because the characters, for all the personality they had may as well have been props.

Our first main prop is Ana, aka Bella Swan. The plain, virginal wallflower who thinks lowly of herself whilst everyone around her just seems to freaking worship her. She is also clumsy, reads books, has divorced parents, doesn't get along with her step-father, and is a brain dead moronic twat. Remind you of anyone? I wonder who you're thinking of. That is a humdinger, isn't it? I'm amazed how many women are not pissed off with her complete lack of sense and self-respect. She lets a man abuse her physically and emotionally, and allows him to satiate his ever-growing need to control her completely, passing it off as some cute obsessive habit. And even if she has doubts and runs away, she comes running back to him only seconds after. How are people not pissed off about this? Seriously? Not to mention she has zero personality, zero brain-cells, and zero common sense. Her character serves no purpose other than becoming some abusive asshole's sex toy.

And let's not forget our second main prop, Christian Grey, aka Edward Cullen, aka creepy-stalker-sociopathic-megalomaniacal-abusive-horrifying-asshole. The fact that he has fangirls in the real world has pretty much ruined my faith in mankind, and the new generation. Christian Gray pretty much pushes the limits that Edward Cullen, Patch, Daniel and others have yet to push due to their PG ratings, but fuck does Christian Grey push those fucking limits. He physically abuses Ana, and it somehow gets excused on the account that she was briefly aroused by it. SERIOUSLY PEOPLE?? SERIOUSLY?? Fuck my life. He also decides what she should eat, what she should wear, how she should act, speak, communicate with him, where she can and can't go or what she can and can't do, threatens her constantly even with physical violence, and the list goes on. I kid you not. He even has this set out as a contract (which by the way is repeated at least 5 times in the fucking book). Here's another example of how romantic this mother fucker is:

"I like the control it gives me, Anastasia. I want you to behave in a particular way, and if you don't, I shall punish you, and you will learn to behave the way I desire."

See? Romantic as freaking Mel Gibson. And by the way, the women who find this guy romantic need some serious therapy. Seriously. Harsh I know, but finding this guy romantic is like like excusing the actions of a child-molester because he has nice hair. This is not romantic. This is ABUSIVE and WRONG on sooooo many levels.

I don't know why they decided to plant this book in the general romance section. This is not romantic. And don't give me the 'IT'S MEANT TO BE BDSM, SO IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE ALL DOM VS SUB'. This goes way beyond the good ol' BDSM theme and just ends up treading into abusive territory. Christian takes these aspects into the relationship where he ends up not only controlling a woman sexually, but also emotionally, and deliberately moulding her into not just a sex partner, but an ideal of what he wants her to be and leaves her no room for her individuality and instead brands it as 'punishable'. That's not part of the BDSM jig. I'm sorry, but it's not. Why people even call this romantic is beyond me. I already mentioned the abusive aspects of this so called relationship, but other than that it was a relationship built on air. Since neither of the characters had any personality outside their sex drives, they had nothing that they saw in each other. They couldn't relate to each other, they didn't share any common interests, they didn't do any good for each other, outside the sexy stuff. And at the end they want to pass it off as though the two are actually in love? Give me a break. Watching people get swooped at by magpies is more romantic that this garbage.

The plot? There was no plot. Seriously, I could not find it. ANYWHERE. I searched and searched but alas, my search has left me unrewarded. Let me explain in a quick paragraph how this book goes:

'Girl meets some guy. Some guy is hot. Girl thinks some guy is hot. Hot some-guy shows up where girl who thinks some-guy is hot works. Hot some-guy asks out girl, takes her virginity. Stuff happens. Hot some-guy introduces girl (who thinks he's hot, by the way) to his BDSM sex dungeon, and the next half of the book is spent pondering whether or not girl (who thinks some-guy is hot, in case it wasn't mentioned enough in the book) wants to indulge in hot some-guy's fantasies. Also the hot some-guy takes complete control over girl (did I mention she thinks he's hot?) who seems to be totally okay with it. More stuff happens. Girl gets spanked too hard, breaks up with hot some-guy. The end.'

That's it. That's the whole book. And the whole 'Ohhh Christian has secrets' bullcrap in the blurb? Bullcrap. His secrets are mentioned in only 5% of the book and drive the plot nowhere. The book is only about how some asshole wants to control some stupid girl. The other characters are barely relevant. They were just more props whose only role was to be interested in the 'relationship' between Ana and Christian. They didn't seem to be interested in anything else. They could be buttering toast and thinking 'I wonder how hard Christian is fucking Ana right now.'

An absolute waste. The media might be promoting this tripe as the new hero of literature, but this is and always will be just another wart on the ass of literature, along with Twilight and all its' descendants. You know what they say, you can polish a turd, but it will still be a turd.
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Reading Progress

04/27/2012 page 7
1.0% "Oh great, it's the plain looking, oddball clumsy chick again. Come the fuck onnnn."
04/27/2012 page 16
3.0% "Okay at least things are moving along at light-speed, but still... uuuuuuuuuuhhhgggggg..."
04/27/2012 page 17
3.0% ""No man has affected me the way Christian Grey has." Oh God nooo don't even fucking start." 6 comments
04/27/2012 page 33
9.0% "This is becoming more and more like Twilight. We have our clumsy wallflower who likes books, we already have a Jacob, and we have our mysterious Edward. No wonder this is popular." 10 comments
04/28/2012 page 43
12.0% "Okay, in all seriousness, what is this book about? What is the point of this book? What purpose is being served here?" 18 comments
05/05/2012 page 48
13.0% ""I'm not the man for you" Gee I wonder who that reminds me of. Hmmm... that is a hummmmmmmmdinger..."
05/05/2012 page 67
19.0% "Did he just threaten to punish her with severe... spanking...???????"
05/05/2012 page 123
34.0% "I can see why this is so popular. The romance is shallow and repulsive, and the guy pretty much has the woman's head underneath his foot I mean come on, how the fuck is controlling everything she does, from choosing when she will eat, what she should wear, how she is to remain 'beautiful', how much she must exercise, in any way romantic? What are you people reading these days? Honestly. That's just disappointing."
05/06/2012 page 235
65.0% "This is the worst book I've ever read. This is the worst romance novel in the world. THIS IS THE WORST BOOK IN THE WORLD."
05/07/2012 page 254
71.0% "Bored. Bored as fuck. Is it over yet??"
05/07/2012 page 274
76.0% "She rolled her eyes at him, now he's punishing her with spanking. How romantic..."
05/07/2012 page 283
79.0% "HOLD UP: She's talking back to him, and he pretty much calls her insane? Even more romantic!"
05/07/2012 page 287
80.0% ""I like the control it gives me, Anastasia. I want you to behave in a particular way, and if you don't, I shall punish you, and you will learn to behave the way I desire."
This is absolutely sick." 4 comments
05/07/2012 page 338
94.0% "Oh God no. It's... IT'S... THE CULLENS." 1 comment
05/07/2012 page 349
66.0% "Dude. she's coonstantly freaking out about him hitting her. How can anyone find this romantic? You fan girls are fucking insane."
05/07/2012 page 372
70.0% "I've resorted to skimming now. I just want this torture to end."

Comments (showing 1-50 of 89) (89 new)


message 1: by Inge (new) - rated it 1 star

Inge Noooo not you too!


message 2: by Mel (new) - rated it 1 star

Mel Inge wrote: "Noooo not you too!"

THERE IS NO SENSE. THIS IS JUST LIKE FANFICTION!! IS THIS THE REAL LIFE????


message 3: by Inge (new) - rated it 1 star

Inge SAVE YOURSELF WHILE THERE'S STILL A WAY OUT!


message 4: by Mel (new) - rated it 1 star

Mel But I must BITCH!!


message 5: by Inge (new) - rated it 1 star

Inge Well, bitch away then!


Mel (who is deeply in love with herself) Turd, indeed.

I skipped over the paragraph which summarises the book because I still have a way to go yet. I can't believe I am actually worried about spoilers for this book.

I think this review sums up my thoughts quite adequately. I love the point you make about FSoG transcending the boundaries of Patch and Edward etc....that's very true. But...at least he doesn't sparkle, right? Or does he?!


So........onto the sequel now? ;)


message 7: by Mel (new) - rated it 1 star

Mel No. NO. NOOOOOOO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! No more of this torture! I WILL NOT HAVE IT!! I swear if there are spin-offs, I'm gonna... be even more pissed.
Speaking of the sequel, it's fucking ridden with 5 star reviews!! What is this world coming to?

By the way, the people who are fawning over Christian Grey, you're all fucking creepy.


Mel (who is deeply in love with herself) You know you want to really, darling.....you know you want to....admit it! Don't you want to see how much worse this series gets?

I have a theory on why books in series get higher ratings the further they go; the sequel probably has a lot of five stars because only the fanwomen girls are still continuing with the series. All the one-star readers have already given up after the first one, so there are only the fangirls to give their opinions. if that made any sense....

Hah! Was that comment for all the future trolls who are bound to pounce on this review? I'm not sure that's gonna do it, Lisa. They lurve a little feistyness. It only fuels them up further!


message 9: by Mel (new) - rated it 1 star

Mel That was my thought exactly! I saw all those ratings and thought to myself 'Either Goodreads is censoring reviews or people gave the fuck up after the first one'.

Unless Goodreads really is censoring reviews, which would not come as a surprise to me.


message 10: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair *begins slow clap*

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.


Sandra We have the "bunker babes" to thank for how well-known this fuckery has become. Without them, this wouldn't even have been a blip on anyone's radar.
Google Master of the Universe. There's all kinds of crap that happened behind the scenes... if you're bored one day.


Synesthesia (SPIDERS!) Wow. That book sounds gross. I do not want to read it. Plus I hate the idea of people telling me what to do and controlling me so MUCH!


message 13: by Miriam (new)

Miriam To take the bad taste out of your brain, I recommend Stay. It has a similarly controlling and abusive guy, but instead of being glamorized he is (view spoiler).


Danielle Great review! I still cannot believe Hollywood is attempting to make a film out of this. Honestly what else could possibly be put into the film besides them going at it? If they take out most of the sex than the film would be nothing. However, if they leave all the sex than the film would not be a film, but a porno. I for one do not go to movie theaters to watch pornos and haven't heard of anyone else who does.


Alicia (is beyond tired of your *ish) Thank you. THANK YOU. *Standing ovation*


Sabrina Best review written so far. ACCURATE!


message 17: by rameau (new) - added it

rameau Beautiful review of a horrible turd.


message 18: by Mel (new) - rated it 1 star

Mel Wow, I pretty much just woke up to a fuck ton of likes and comments. Thanks guys! If I could I would shower you all with roses and give you baskets of cookies and a magical kangaroo.


Shannon Fantastic review. Absolutely fantastic. I seriously have thought that all those glowing reviews HAD to be satire, since this book is complete poorly-written bullshit. I think there's an anthropological study in there somewhere, and the findings will be that that people who love this book are idiots.


message 20: by Mel (new) - rated it 1 star

Mel Shannon wrote: "Fantastic review. Absolutely fantastic. I seriously have thought that all those glowing reviews HAD to be satire, since this book is complete poorly-written bullshit. I think there's an anthropo..."

Dunno, I'm friends with somebody who likes this book. But anyone who finds this book to be romantic, and who finds Christian to be desirable above all other men... well they would need serious professional help and a straight jacket.


Synesthesia (SPIDERS!) Read passages of this over someone's shoulder. It's one of my bad habits.

Ugh. It wasn't very good.


message 22: by Gadget (new)

Gadget Can I hug you for this review?


message 23: by Mel (last edited May 09, 2012 05:30PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Mel Ana wrote: "Can I hug you for this review?"

YESHH!! O____O

Yes you may.


message 24: by Gadget (new)

Gadget Lisa wrote: "Ana wrote: "Can I hug you for this review?"

YESHH!! O____O

Yes you may."


*Tucks you in pocket after a hug and keeps you.*


message 25: by Mel (new) - rated it 1 star

Mel Synesthesia wrote: "Read passages of this over someone's shoulder. It's one of my bad habits.

Ugh. It wasn't very good."


I should have learned my lesson from the game we played with it at work, minus the drinking obviously (although that would have made it more tolerable). If you do decide to read it, do it with an album playing in the background. Maybe something equally pissed off as you are as you read this tripe. Heck bring another book along just in case you get very, very bored.


Alisha I am in love with this review. Haven't even read the book, too. Just sayin'.


message 27: by Mel (new) - rated it 1 star

Mel It kinda disturbs me even more that this book is listed in polls such as 'Best romance novels of all time'. I guess abusive really is the new romantic. -shaking my head-


message 28: by Sharyl (new)

Sharyl Good review. There was a big article in our little local paper about this--book--and I'm ready to scream. Why are people paying money for this??? It's still available for FREE download on places such as Epud Bud. IF one wants to waste time that she will never have again out of curiosity as I did, go ahead--but don't financially support this crap.


Valerie This review is totally accurate.


message 30: by Mel (new) - rated it 1 star

Mel Sharyl wrote: "Good review. There was a big article in our little local paper about this--book--and I'm ready to scream. Why are people paying money for this??? It's still available for FREE download on places su..."

You can download the original fanfiction as well somewhere in the internet. The only difference between the fanfic and the published 'novel' is the names were changed around. That is the ONLY difference. I kid thee not.


message 31: by Mel (new) - rated it 1 star

Mel Valerie wrote: "This review is totally accurate."

Your profile picture is pure win.


message 32: by Josella (new)

Josella Caci haha absoloutly fantastic review. you are hilarious!


Lauren Love the review. Well done!


message 34: by Julie (new) - rated it 1 star

Julie Love this review. Love. It. Thank you.


Jasmin We even turned the book into a drinking game, and it goes as thus: Flip to a random page of the book. If it's something dirty, take a drink. I do not recommend this game, for one could die from alcohol poisoning within the first round. But if you're feeling adventurous... by all means. Glad I could be of service to your crazy party ideas.

LOL, this part gave me the giggles. Great review BTW.


Jordyn This is the most epic review I have ever read.


Katie(babs) Best rage in a review ever! Nice Mel Gibson comparison with "Christian, I get off on pulling out tampons from hoo haas"


message 38: by Bea (new) - added it

Bea Love the review! I could not even get past 7%.


message 39: by Sarah (new) - rated it 1 star

Sarah Actually snorted while reading review. Marvelous and accurate.


message 40: by Missy (new)

Missy This is why, I'm on Good reads. So, I know, which book to avoid reading. Who likes reading about being torture like that? I get tired of seeing comments on FB or Twitter. Then, their like. This famous celebs will make good actor for the movie. *gag* I would not see this movie at all.


Katrina Passick Lumsden "They could be buttering toast and thinking 'I wonder how hard Christian is fucking Ana right now.'"

Absolutely brilliant. I love your review.


message 42: by Christina (new)

Christina The anger and disgust I felt for this book is perfectly mirrored in your review. Thank you!


message 43: by Clare (new)

Clare I have read all three books and loved them all. Don't understand what you were hoping for when you opened the pages but it was very clear what the book was about so have no idea why you chose to read the book if the topic didn't interest you


message 44: by Julie (new) - added it

Julie *applauds* that is all. From someone who was unfortunate enough to get the book as a birthday present recently and reading anything but, for now!* :D


message 45: by Mel (new) - rated it 1 star

Mel Clare wrote: "I have read all three books and loved them all. Don't understand what you were hoping for when you opened the pages but it was very clear what the book was about so have no idea why you chose to re..."

That's a fair point, but I did point out that I picked up the book with the intention to make fun of it. That's all I intended to do really.


message 46: by Despair (new) - added it

Despair Speaking Yes, it is a waste of trees. Oh, I enjoyed the bad reviews made for this book but yeah. Poor trees.


message 47: by pauliree (new)

pauliree You have renewed my faith in my decision not to read this book. I don't have the time to waste with this drek


message 48: by Anna (new)

Anna I agree! Why DO women find him attractive?
This book is just like porn for women; and they have NOOOOOOOOOOOOO clue why they like the book. Read the 5 star reviews, they're all nothing compared to the 1 star reviews. The 5 star don't know what they like about it but the 1 stars definitely know what they DON'T like about it ;) great review


Synesthesia (SPIDERS!) Dude, I do not find controlling jerks to be sexy. I need my freedom. I would put a WASP down the pants of a man who controlled me.


message 50: by Debbie (new)

Debbie Hoy This review is pure gold!!


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