Monica!'s Reviews > Night of the Crabs

Night of the Crabs by Guy N. Smith
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So it’s Memorial Day weekend, and about a thousand degrees out, and our air conditioning system is not being turned on until at least June, dammit, and so as I huddled in my bathroom occasionally sticking my whole head under the water faucet in an attempt to keep my brain from boiling… I decided it would be a good time to actually sit down and read Night of the Crabs.

Wow.

This is a terrible, terrible book.

Terribly, terribly awesome!!

But no, really, also just terrible.

I recommend you read it for yourself, but for those of you who are all, “No, Dear God No,” I will explain the complicated plot to you.

Basically Cliff Davenport has to save Wales from the threat of a giant crab attack.

Well, technically he has to save the world.

Or at least those portions of the world that are close to water that is of the correct temperature and depth to support giant crabs.

It’s mostly just Wales.

To help the readers out, he—like everyone else—is referred to by both his first and last name. Constantly. You will never, ever have to ask yourself, “Dang, is that the Cliff we know? Or a different Cliff that happens to be wandering into the scene?”

Observe:

“Big as sheep!” Cliff Davenport laughed hysterically.

“There!” Pat Benson screamed as she saw the frogman surface.

Dai Peters had never liked the estuary crossing.

Sam Owen always fished by night.


And so on.

(You are correct, friends. Dai Peters had good reason to never like the estuary crossing. And Sam Owen should have not been fishing by night. Surprise!)

The Save Wales From Crabs plot exists solely so that we the readers can be treated to lengthy descriptions of people slowly having their legs snapped off, having their innards made into outtards, realizing that my God they’ve got an arm off, etc.

Because of this, there’s really only two characters in the whole story who are safe—Cliff Davenport and his completely, completely dim-witted maybe-girlfriend Pat Benson.

Everyone else is fair game for being torn apart by pincers. Everyone. You can guarantee that no matter how much time the author spends describing (in exact detail) any given character, they will not be around by the end of the chapter, let alone by the end of the book.

Take our friend Bartholomew, the deaf-mute beachcomber. On page 51, he is described thusly:

They watched fascinated as the grotesque form of the man whom they had met earlier in the day groveled amidst the heaped-up, stinking seaweed. He came closer and closer until they could see his features plainly. Those wide, staring eyes darting eagerly about him as he searched amongst the debris remaining from the last tide. All the time he grunted unintelligibly like some snuffling beast of prey on a fresh scent….

Shivers ran freely up and down [Cliff Davenport’s] spine. Mrs. Jones had said that the man was harmless; yet he warranted she had never seen an expression like that on his face! He had never been afraid of any man in his life but he prayed now that Bartholomew would not spot them.


Okay. So clearly Bartholomew is going to be a key—oh, shit, no wait. He got slowly disemboweled whilst still alive, on page 54. Bones and all… apparently “the giant crabs did not believe in waste.”

NO ONE CAN ESCAPE FROM THE KILLER CRABS! YOUR GUNS ARE USELESS! WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?!

Aside from the limb crunching (“Blood spouted into the night air like an oil strike!”) and the poorly-written dialogue (“My God!” Cliff Davenport blanched and his knuckles became bloodless as he gripped the edge of the table. “My God, what sort of creatures are they?”), there was a surprising amount of super-awkward sex.

I don’t want to suggest that the author had never actually had sex at the time of the book’s writing, but

“His loins were fully charged with emotion and he would dearly have loved to have taken her.”

and then

“Rapidly they were getting out of control. Nothing else mattered… not even the giant crabs!”

and of course

“Cliff felt that thrilling sensation of his zip being pulled down, her fingers groping inside the open vent and then the coolness of the night air on his warm moistness. He gasped with pleasure.”

It’s a red-hot lovefest, is what I’m saying.

And then the crabs are (allegedly) destroyed in the last four pages—I can’t remember exactly how, but I believe it involved the entire seaside being drenched in weedkiller, which seems environmentally unsound—and Pat Benson and Cliff Davenport head off along the coast, reflecting that “the secrets of the deep are best left undisturbed.”

Tune in next week, when the crabs clearly come back, and begin to kick ass again. Yay crabs!


________________04/24/2010___________________

So sometimes, friends, I find a book on Goodreads and I realize that this book should be read--nay, must be read--or my life will be incomplete. And I set out on an epic quest to track down a copy and thus fulfill my life's purpose.

Tragically a vast number of these aforementioned books are unavailable at my local public library. If you can believe that.

But no worries! Look what just came in the mail this morning, shipped from across the seas!

BAM!!


I set it up next to my fish tank to give it a little more Ocean Drama.

Oh, it's so on.
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Comments (showing 1-6 of 6) (6 new)

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Monica! I don't know! I haven't read it yet! I've gotten as far as the first couple pages, where we meet ("He was in his early twenties and his broad, handsome face was already tanned to a deep mahogany") and his fiancee Julie ("She was roughly the same age as himself, and her slim, perfectly proportioned figure had already caused many a male holiday-maker to glance in her direction").

I want them eaten by crabs. I want them eaten now.


Monica! Exactly! That was my thought when I was watching Piranha 3D! It's better to see supermodels be devoured than regular people!!


message 3: by Sparrow (last edited May 27, 2012 05:36PM) (new)

Sparrow Is that the one where her legs windmilled while they were having sex? Because that's my favorite Crabs quote I've read on goodreads. I both extremely want and extremely don't want to read these books. I am conflicted! So, I read V.D. Burns instead. I imagine it is basically the same.


Monica! Sparrow wrote: "Is that the one where her legs windmilled while they were having sex?"

I don't think so, and I reread all the bad sex scenes just to double check. For you. I did realize I missed the fact that Cliff Davenport had proposed to Pat Benson just five days after meeting her, in the most awkward way possible. So that was a bonus!

But you're making me think of the Double Task cartoon from Hark a Vagrant, hee.

Cillian wrote: "The uncertainty of what kind of trolls this review is destined to attract will, for sure, claim many hours of my sleep."

But I know you will be there to leap to my defense!!! YES?! PLEASE!?!?!?!


message 5: by Sparrow (new)

Sparrow Monica! wrote: "But you're making me think of the Double Task cartoon from Hark a Vagrant, hee."

hahahahah! that is so rad.

It looks like the windmilling is from Killer Crabs. What a faux pas that I mixed them up! I blame my education.


Monica! @Sparrow - Clearly you're going to have to read this one too. Terrible sex for everyone!

@Cillian - Awwwww, thanks! SOMEONE is getting a hideous kitty cat puppet for Christmas! :D


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