Luv2escapeinabook's Reviews > Fifty Shades of Grey

Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James
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Apr 18, 12

bookshelves: did-not-finish, awful-writing, incredibly-stupid-heroine
Recommended to Luv2escapeinabook by: Those crazy people giving it good ratings
Recommended for: An editor who needs a massive project

Thoughts on Fifty Shades of Grey.

Chapter 1: There’s a lot of talk of flushing and crap, double crap, holy crap…which makes me think the characters are, well, going to the toilet to do a number 2. Lots of number 2s. Maybe I shouldn’t be thinking that when the heroine and hero first meet?
***
I flush. Of course, I would know this if I had done some research. But holy crap, he’s so arrogant. I change tack.

“That’s a matter of public record, Miss Steele.” His tone is stern. I flush, again. Crap.
***
You get the picture. Bad writing, too. As it says Ana changes tack, then it should show her change of direction immediately, but it has Christian’s dialogue.

An editor would have a field day with this book.
***
He cocks his head to one side.
***
Like a dog?

Ana keeps thinking how arrogant Christian sounds, but it only sounds matter-of-fact. He says he believes good people make his company great. I’m surprised this was published because it’s like seeing a red sign, but the character telling us it is blue. It doesn’t make him arrogant because Ana says he is, the writer needed to show arrogance in Christian’s actions.

Now Ana’s actions…well every door she walks through is an accident waiting to happen, she stumbles. You know who she reminds me of? Candy in Three and A Half Men. Like Berta said, ‘she’s a marble rolling around in a tin can.’ That’s Ana.

Chapter 2

I cannot believe how bad the writing is.

Imagine being stuck in Candy’s head from Three and A Half men. Stuck right in there. You hear the ‘do, do, dum, dum, do, do, dum.’ I saw a man with intense grey eyes. He said goodbye to me. He was soooo handsome. And rich. And young. And I flushed. Double crap.

Her mind wanders while she’s driving. ‘do, do, dum, dum, do, do, dum.’

Plus, stuff like this:

“Jeez, Ana, I’m sorry – I didn’t think.”

I huff.

“Mostly he was courteous, formal, slightly stuffy – like he’s old before his time. He doesn’t talk like a man of twenty-something. How old is he anyway?”

Actually, Christian does talk like a man his age. He’s a business man, too, so that has some bearing. Business men talk like that. Just because Ana SAYS he’s arrogant and doesn’t talk like a man of twenty-something doesn’t mean you can trust her judgement. The writing doesn’t show his arrogant when she thinks he is.


What is this author’s obsession with the word ‘crap’? It’s incredibly jarring.

Transitions are infantile:

She sends me to the storeroom to start re-stocking shelves, and I’m soon absorbed in the task.

When I arrive home later, Katherine is wearing headphones and working on her laptop.


After a short interview, Ana thinks her day is tough because she was holed up with…him. For like twenty minutes. Well that’s what it read like.

She is truly crazy. I’d be worried if I was Christian.

Many actions of different characters are all jumbled in the same paragraph. Like there is Kate’s action grounding Ana’s dialogue. It’s confusing.

***
I flush, and my heart rate inexplicably increases. That wasn’t the reason, surely? He just wanted to show me around so I could see that he was lord of all he surveyed. I realize I’m biting my lip, and I hope Kate doesn’t notice. But she seems absorbed in her transcription. “I hear what you mean about formal. Did
you take any notes?” she asks. (Ana’s thoughts, Kate’s speech.)

“Um… no, I didn’t.”

“That’s fine. I can still make a fine article with this. Shame we don’t have some original stills. Good-looking son of a bitch, isn’t he?”

I flush.
***
Okay, here in Oz, we blush. If we flush, then we have just gone to the toilet.

***
Crap! I distract her with flattery, always a good ploy.

“You probably would have got a lot more out of him.”
***
Sorry to disturb your crap, Ana, but you should actually have the action before the description of said action.

Eg: Crap! “You probably would have got a lot more out of him.” I distract her with flattery, always a good ploy.

Anyway, if I tried to edit this, I’d be here for years…The writing is atrocious. Kate was looking at Ana, then two paragraphs later, Kate glances up again! Kate never looked away! This story has made me use exclamation marks!!!!

***
Holy crap. What the hell is he doing here looking all tousled-hair and outdoorsy in his cream chunky-knit sweater, jeans, and walking boots? I think my mouth has popped open, and I can’t locate my brain or my voice.
***
I know where your brain is, Ana. It’s inside that tin can.

Ana has to be the dopiest heroine in history. Because Christian Grey is in the hardware store where she works, she’s about to trip over her own feet again. I’m thinking she should really do a massive face plant on the ground, and put me out of my misery.

***
I kick it out of my head.
***
How does Ana do this E.L. James? Maybe you could show us, like on a stage or something.

Please, please…please, do NOT use the word ‘flush’ again! Maybe I can kick that out of my head.
Great, the author has obviously realised she’s overused flushed, now she’s on to blushed.

You know, I might write a poem:

There was girl called Anastasia,
Thick as two bricks, WSU major
She met a rich guy, who liked kink,
It was painful for the reader,
Watching her think.
Crap, double crap, Holy crap!
She flushed, blushed and bit her lip,
Jeez,
That was it.


Does Christian have weirdly long alien fingers? Just asking.

I’m told Christian looks lost. I don’t get to see how. Apparently, it’s a BIG THING – CHRISTIAN GREY’S LOST LOOK.

Ana keeps calling Christian a control freak. He hasn’t displayed any signs of that so far.

However, Ana, wow, she is truly freaky. Think psychotic, immature, vacuous and desperate.

Why did E.L. James have to make Ana so stupid?


Chapter 3

Right. I can’t do it. I can’t go on. I give up on this. It’s so badly written, it’s laughable.
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