Kogiopsis's Reviews > Twilight

Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
Rate this book
Clear rating

's review
Jan 10, 2012

did not like it
bookshelves: reviewed, save-me-from-the-tropes
Read from May 12 to 18, 2011

Pictures have been fixed, hopefully for forever.

Right. This is going to be totally tongue-in-cheek, or at least mostly, because I don't feel like saying what's already been said about this book. If you want to know how I feel about the technical/storytelling aspects of this book, go read any of the numerous articulate, well-written one-star reviews. The one thing I will say is: I still like Alice. She was my favorite character when I liked the books and the only one I consider worth the while now. Pity the book isn't about her. Jasper is okay, but not as interesting or fun as she is.


The point.


Setting aside, for the most part, the obvious fact of physical hotness of actors.

Because really, this:
[image error]

cannot hope to compete with this:


Okay, okay, minor fangirling episode aside, the actual list. Oh yes. Illustrated as much as I could manage, but some things just aren't possible.

10. Eating fish custard is much cooler than drinking blood.

Here's the thing: vampires are old hat now. And by 'now' I don't just mean in the wake of the craze Twilight itself created. I mean that there was already an adult PNR before this book even came along. Vampires, drinking blood, all that stuff - been there, seen that, and seen it better. Now, Timelords are a different thing. While Who is the second longest-running TV show in the world, it never gets dull. (I choose to ignore Love and Monsters for purposes of this review.) Vampires, no matter how many 'new takes' you have on them, do. Heaven knows I roll my eyes a bit now, and I've read a lot of different ideas about them. I would have liked this book ever so much more if Edward and his family had been some sort of original creature. Also, that would have required more work of Ms. Meyer, and more work might have produced a better final work.
Also, fish sticks and custard are much tastier than blood. Just sayin'.

9. Eleven looks amazing with a bow tie.

(Don't deny it, he does.)
The real point of this is: the Doctor actually acts like an old-fashioned gentleman. In every sense of the word. Sure, Edward holds car doors for Bella. But he still invades her privacy and watches her sleep, and he still takes advantage of her hormones. The Doctor, on the other hand, has class. He is infallibly polite, except to his enemies, and let's be honest: would you be polite to xeoncidal alien races? Thought not. He doesn't invade his companions' privacy. He doesn't take advantage of Amy's hormones, even when she makes it reeeeeally easy. And sure, some of that is because he's awkward around women. Some of it, though, is because he's been around long enough to learn some goddamn manners. Edward could do with a few lessons.

8. He has mad dance moves.

And he's not afraid to show it. My point here is that Eleven has a genuine personality. He has interests that don't relate to the females in his life. He has his own goals unrelated to them; he doesn't dote on them (though he does care for them); he isn't full of happy coincidental interests. Inasmuch as Bella has interests, Edward shares them. The rest of his time and mind power is pretty much spent on her. Excuse me while I gag - okay, all better.
Also, Edward doesn't seem to me like he knows how to have fun. Seriously.

7. He's Space Gandalf.
This goes back to the personality thing, and also the not getting boring thing. I mean, how could Edward describe himself? He calls himself a monster a few times - wonderful, very sexy, loving the self-hate - and he's popularly called a sparklepire. Now, let's look into these. Space Gandalf pretty much tells you everything you need to know about the Doctor: very, very old, very wise, very powerful, kind and self-sacrificing, and more concerned with the big picture. What do we learn from the world 'sparklepire'? Well, that he sparkles... and he's a vampire. The 'monster' thing tells us he's emo.
Bottom line being: the Doctor is much more interesting than Edward. Much, much, much, much more.

6. He has a much cooler ride.

Do you know what that little thing in the left corner is? It's the U.S.S. Enterprise. Remember how huge that ship is? Yeah, it's drawn next to the full TARDIS structure to scale.
I'd take that over a silver Volvo any day.

5. He'd rather travel space and time than watch sappy movies.

Edward makes most of his goal in life to 'keep Bella safe'. And he does so by not letting her really live it up. The Doctor, on the other hand, owns up to the fact that his life is dangerous - and then offers to take people with him anyway, because he has faith in their personal strength. Edward treats Bella like a hapless child. The Doctor, to whom the entire human race can be rather childlike, treats his companions like adults. He doesn't assume the worst of them, but the best. He is a positive force, whereas Edward uses his supposed fear of Bella getting hurt to keep her where he wants her - and acts as a source of negativity in that way.

4. He defeats his enemies with words alone.
For this I have not a picture, but a video: here.
Edward has to use physical force to tear his opponents apart, and then he has to set them on fire. All the Doctor has to do is talk them down. Is there any question who's more badass here? Because if there is, newsflash: true badassery comes not from being the most violent or physically forceful thing around, but from being so determined and unstoppable that no one even wants to engage you in a fight in the first place.

3. He is clearly better at attracting women.

or this?

First off, Amy is hotter than Bella could ever be. But that's not all. Bella, as I kinda mentioned above, has little to no personality. She hates Forks. She likes Jane Austen. She's apparently smart, though she doesn't act that way. She mothers her own father, and she's SO IN LOVE with Edward. Amy? Amy is curious even as a young girl. She has a sense of wonder. She is tenacious - just ask those four psychiatrists who tried to tell her the 'Raggedy Doctor' wasn't real. She has a powerful, persuasive personality. She loves Rory, and she makes it clear that she doesn't want to live without him, but not everything in her life is about him. Most of all, she saves the Doctor and herself several times. Locked up by aliens? Pick locks and break the hell out. Good friend about to walk the plank into shark-infested waters? Grab a cutlass and save his life. And yeah, she doesn't always make the right choices, but at least she does things. Partly, Bella's problem with not doing jack comes from the fact that the people she would have to fight are a trillionbajillion times stronger than she is, but partly it's because she's a wuss. Amy has drive, goals, curiosity, desires beyond being with her man forever. She, unlike Bella (and this drives me APESHIT on Bella's side) actually values her friends.
If I got in a fight and I had Amy Pond and Bella Swan with me, I'd toss Bella to whoever we were fighting and then do my best to kick ass as well as Amy would.
Also, it bears noting: someone goes creeping in Amy's house and she hits him over the head with a cricket bat and handcuffs him to a radiator. Someone goes creeping in Bella's house and she thinks it's smexy.

2. He can rock a fez.

There's no deeper meaning to this one. Just - look at Eleven in that short-lived fez, and then look at Edward in the same sort of headgear:

Yeah. NO.

1. He saves the whole world, not just one pathetic girl lacking survival instinct.
When the guy tops io9's list of characters who've saved the world the most, you know he pwns everyone else.
This is also a matter of scale.
I mean, Edward is pretty much immortal, right? And he's all strong, fast, able to read minds, etc. So why isn't he doing something for the greater good? Yes, yes, can't go outside in sun because he sparkles, I know, but there are other things he could do. He's been through high school and college quite a few times; couldn't he be working on a cure for cancer? Or genetically engineering crops to fix world hunger? Or in some way actually contributing to the planet? See, you can tell me that Edward Cullen is a good guy, but the fact is he's a pathetic little coward who hides in his corner of the world and refuses to use his gifts to help the rest of the planet and those who are suffering. As for the Doctor, his whole mission in life is to help the world. In one season, he saved the world four times. FOUR. TIMES. He manages to see both the big picture and the small picture, both the personal crises and the lives that need changing and the massive invasions or conflicts. He is not a coward. He does not hide. He fights his own battles and he wins.
Want to convince me that Edward is a hero? Put him on the big stage and show me his shine. (or his sparkle, I suppose.)

I should note that while I hated Robert Pattinson as Edward for many reasons, I won't bear him permanent ill will unless he screwed up Water for Elephants. I do like making fun of his portrayal of Edward, and I find him distinctly unattractive.

In conclusion:

Original review:
(view spoiler)
109 likes · flag

Sign into Goodreads to see if any of your friends have read Twilight.
Sign In »

Reading Progress

05/12 page 37
7.0% "I am embarrassed to have ever liked this 'book'." 10 comments
05/12 page 44
9.0% ""He was obviously wondering if I was mentally competent." Oh, Bella, I wonder this more with every page I read."
05/12 page 55
11.0% "Reasons Bella is already on my nerves: She continually hates on my favorite state, she's hopelessly arrogant, she has little respect or apparent affection for her parents, she's obsessed with Edward after having encountered him only twice (I'm counting this time), she whines about not having friends and then makes no effort, AND DID I MENTION SHE JUST WON'T STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT WASHINGTON?"
05/13 page 76
15.0% "Chagrin count: 1. Also, what does it say for the Undying Lurve that Bella honestly believes Edward is such a horrible person he would regret saving her life, given that he has no cause to have such regret?"
05/13 page 84
17.0% ""His eyes were gloriously intense as he uttered that last sentence, his voice smoldering. I couldn't remember how to breathe." OH, GAG ME." 9 comments
05/13 page 87
05/13 page 92
18.0% "The eyes are scorching and smoldering again. Are they on fire?" 2 comments
05/14 page 131
26.0% "And now Bella is being a manipulative bitch to Jacob. Joy oh joy."
05/15 page 243
49.0% "Trying my darndest not to stray from my planned review, but there is SO MUCH WRONG WITH THIS BOOK I CAN'T EVEN."
05/15 page 251
50.0% "Chagrin count: 2. Also, we have this quote: "Besides, since I'd come to Forks, it really seemed like my life was about him." " 6 comments
05/15 page 263
53.0% " Because: "
05/15 page 275
55.0% "After all that about being the perfect predator, about how everything about you draws people in, Edward, you really think you can say this? "Most humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by our alienness." You contradicted yourself within the space of about five pages. BS." 4 comments
05/15 page 292
59.0% "'"You spied on me?" But somehow I couldn't infuse my voice with the proper outrage. I was flattered.' This sentence would only be bearable if Bella died at the end of this book. As is, GREAT MESSAGE. Don't be mad if people spy on you and find out where you keep the KEY TO YOUR HOUSE. Especially if you know said people are homicidal by nature. THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM AT ALL." 22 comments
05/16 page 308
62.0% "This is going to seem like a little thing and you all are going to think I'm crazy, but it makes me angry. Meyer does two things I've seen elsewhere that makes me angry, and one thing all her own. 1: She calls orcas 'killer whales', in direct conjunction with 2: she characterizes them, indirectly, as ruthless monsters. And 3, the one that really takes the cake, SHE COMPARES THEM TO SPARKLEPIRES. FUCK NO." 6 comments
05/16 page 323
65.0% "Can't keep myself from picturing these vampires as East Coast prep school students. Remember that one Smirnoff commercial? In my head, the Cullens look like that. If you haven't seen it, here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTU2He..." 1 comment
05/18 page 436
88.0% "Bella is plotting to be a bitch and commit suicide by vampire, and I'm wondering why I thought this book had so much energy in the last few chapters because it is so. slow."
05/18 page 445
89.0% ""It's amazing - some of you seem to have no sense of our own self-interest at all." PREACH, James."
05/18 page 490
98.0% "Prom scene rings untrue now that I've actually been to one." 7 comments
02/02 marked as: read

Comments (showing 1-50 of 112) (112 new)

King Haddock Nice review. And interesting bookshelves.

Kogiopsis I went through and renamed all my bookshelves to reorganize.
I happen to be quite proud of them, thank you.

Kat Kennedy I did love Twilight - there is something addicting about it. But now I've found so, so many other series that are infinitely better that I find it hard to understand the mania now. I keep thinking, "But wait, have you read...? Yes, I know Edward Cullen is hawt but what about... from the.... series? Yes, that's nice. No, I didn't see you drool, so it's okay. Listen, take this book and go read. What? No, no it's not Twilight... no it's got nothing to do with vampires but it's still paranormal! Just trust me okay?!"

Then suddenly eyes are opened and it's rather magical...

King Haddock I remember when you loved the series, Anila. Haha, Kat, I understand you completely. As for myself, I have not read the series, though I plan to in order to make fun of the books.

Kogiopsis Trust me, Z, I remember too.

Twilight is a Twinkie of a story, frankly- bad for you in the long run, but for the meantime it tastes oh so good. I totally understand what you mean about the addicting quality- I did flip right back to the first page after finishing it for the first time and start reading it again. But as mentioned in my review, it's the fanbase that gets to me. And the movies- the books would have made fine movies, if they hadn't gone all messing around with them.

Personally, Kat, I'm impressed with your perseverence in the paranormal genre. I'm getting a little fed up with it, to be honest; there's not enough variation.

King Haddock Love your analogy, Anila. XD
Fanbases can be annoying... I remember being annoyed at Trekkies when I was young. * whistles innocently * Though for my young mind most of the problem was that it wasn't Star WARS, which I was introduced to first, so I wasn't interested in Trek.

I guess we can find gems anywhere... though seriously isn't everything being published pretty much the same thing over and over and over and over again? Anyone read anything particularly NEW recently?

Kat Kennedy Anila, there are many, many things about the Paranormal romance genre that I am more than tired of. Teenage heroines who are TSTL, obsessive stalker immortal male protagonists, THE LOVE TRIANGLE (Some one put me out of my misery, I can't TAKE it anymore!)

But there are some books that I have really enjoyed like Bitten by Kelley Armstrong and the Fever Series by Karen Marie Moning so I just keep looking for more gems like them!

Zarakoda you crack me up! I grew up in a household where it was always talk of "klingons doing this" and "Captain Kirk said this" and "Warp 3!" I could have put a bullet to my freakin' brain!

Fanbase is annoying. In my little group of PNR lovers, we're not allowed to have Team Edwards or Team Jacobs or Team Stefans or Team Eric or whatever literary boyfriend they're currently interested in. It's just Team h00r - that way there's no discussion about who is better. Why argue when you just claim that you can choose them all?

King Haddock I could agree with you on all those accounts, Kat.

Well, now I AM a Trekkie so you better watch out...

That's a good way to put it. Another way to do it is to be a quirky one-person fan club. You don't see many people screaming at the top of their lungs, "PLATO ALL THE WAY!"

Kat Kennedy Zarakoda, I seriously just laughed so hard. That's it, I'm forming a Team Plato fan club!

I will respect your Trekker-ness! Since I have an unhealthy obsession with PNR, as Anila pointed out, I can't really go casting stones now can I! But if you start signing out with "Live long and prosper" then we may have issues...

Kogiopsis Um, Kat... actually, she does do that.
ALL THE TIME. When she's not saying 'Adios' just to annoy me. (Seriously, Spanish has to have something comprable to 'Au revoir'.)

The way I figure, it's a good thing that you read so much PNR. I can use your reviews as a kind of filter. :D

Anything particularly NEW? No, sadly, but I'll keep an eye out.

Kat Kennedy Oh noes! You don't, do you, Zarakoda?

Anila - lol, as long as my sanity survives I guess that's a good thing!

message 12: by King Haddock (last edited May 23, 2010 08:52AM) (new) - rated it 2 stars

King Haddock Hey, I'm already on Team Plato. And Pythagoras, for that manner. Absolutely <3 those guys.

I signed all my yearbooks this year with "Live long and prosper" (even those who have no clue what it means). I'm nicknamed "Spock" for a reason, okay? XD

And Anila, you watch it about the Spanish! You dive into the French JUST as often (though maybe in response to my Spanish... um).

Hey, I've picked up a book called "Hood" that's pretty decent at the moment. Yeah, yeah, just another Robin Hood story, but so far written distinctly enough it's quite refreshing from the other fiction I've been touching for like the past, erm, year.

Kogiopsis JE NE LE FAIS PAS! You are far, far, far worse than I am about foreign languages, and you know it. I resist the urge.

Hmm. I'd go look it up, but I've got a lot of stuff to read at the moment.

Kat- Very good thing. :D

King Haddock You cut it preeeettty close then.

I have more than enough to read at the moment, as well.

Sanity? Sanity's way overrated. ;)

Kogiopsis Not really, actually.

But if she wasn't sane, I couldn't trust her reviews as a PNR filter. And that would be bad, because I'd miss out on good books.

King Haddock Well, I'm not sure I'm entirely sane... yet you trust me (if not with the same tasks). ;)

Kogiopsis You've been not entirely sane the whole time I've known you, though. I've gotten used to your kinda-patterns of behavior.

Kat Kennedy I can't keep up with you two!

King Haddock You're TRYING to keep up with us? * disappointed shake of the head * Methinks you'd realize by now it is quite an impossible task...

I gather you figured out I was not entirely sane the first second you say me, aye? Meh, I know the answer's "yes." Kinda-patterns... teehee, I still surprise you from time to time, though.

Wow, what book are we under? We are so not talking about it.

Kogiopsis Well... you had that MathCounts shirt on... so yeah.

Hah, Kat, s'okay. We do this all the time.

We're supposedly talking about Twilight. See, up in the top of your screen, where it says 'Twilight'?

King Haddock It was a Christian-LOTR shirt.

Yup, 'cause this is completely related to Twilight. Though if I say "sparkles" randomly in here, is that close enough?

Kogiopsis YOU HAVE LIED TO ME IN THE PAST, if that's true. We agreed some time ago it was the MathCounts. But I remember that shirt as well.

'Sparklepire' or 'carven chest gleaming in the sunlight' is better. Though here, I'll put us back on topic:


King Haddock WOW Anila, you have absolutely awful memory! You started out your accounts, "LOTR shirt," then switched to "either MathCounts or LOTR," and NOW you say it's "definitely" MathCounts? Something very, very, very, very, very wrong with your memory of late... I bought the LOTR shirt specifically for the first day of school. There has been no lying involved or any change of information on my part.

* does not know what this marble whatnot is *

Kogiopsis Confuzzled now. Very confuzzled. And I'm positive that you agreed it was the MathCounts shirt.
Whatever. Either of them achieve the relevant purpose.

One of Smeyer's favorite descriptors for Edward.

King Haddock You're positively delusional.


Kogiopsis Eh, sure.

And yes. Very much yes.

King Haddock DEFINITELY needs to read now.

Kogiopsis S'up to you, I suppose.

King Haddock To make fun of it - it's a must!

Kogiopsis You've got all summer (and no homework grumblegrumble) so get to it!

King Haddock Hahaha, along with the other thousands of books I plan to read... and instruments to play... etc. XD

Kogiopsis Trust me, it won't take you that long. They're super quick reads, all four.

King Haddock The enormous size of the font creates that assumption, so not surprised.

Kogiopsis So why are you still here and not reading it?

King Haddock Because I grabbed lots of other books from the library for the recommending reading list for next year's English class, and those looked more interesting.

Kogiopsis Feh. I want to hear what you have to say about this.

King Haddock I know you do. Don't worry, it WILL be read this summer.

Kogiopsis 'S good enough, I guess...

King Haddock It better be for you.

Kogiopsis I hardly have a choice, do I?

King Haddock Ummm... if you DID have a choice I would be REEEAAAALLY creeped out at the moment. Of course, if you had a choice, you probably wouldn't tell me about this form of mind control. Or whatever sci-fi-ness you want to make it.

Kogiopsis Ooooeeeeeooooo~
* evil grin *

King Haddock Lovely sound effects.
Hmm... my Muses are starting to play tricks with me... blighted world.

Kogiopsis Triggering your Muses amuses me. (Funny how those words are related...)

King Haddock I know. I can never hear the word "amuse" without thinking of my Muses. At the moment, Evlalyia's pouring out some pretty kick-butt poetry. So I should be... somewhat... safe. You never know, though. With five crazy Muses...

Kogiopsis Bah, poetry shall prevail!

King Haddock But that's, unfortunately, only my descriptive/eloquent Muse working... the other free are open. O.o

Kogiopsis But I still say that poetry shall prevail.

King Haddock Sounds good. I'm really likin' these latest poems, too.

Kogiopsis Awesome possum.

« previous 1 3
back to top