Crystal Starr Light's Reviews > The Land of Painted Caves

The Land of Painted Caves by Jean M. Auel
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Excuse me, I have some paint I need to watch dry

Ayla trains to be a Zelandani. Ayla goes to many caves. Ayla unveils the Big Secret (that readers have known about since Book 1). The End.

*****Spoilers Abound Like Mad. Ye Have Been Warned.*****

My God. If I thought the last book was fan fiction, I have no idea what to call this piece of sh!t. “Boring”, “disappointing”, “stupid”, “mindless waste of time and paper”, and “underwhelming” all come to mind. But no words can describe how absolutely horrible this book is.

I don’t like to think I am a person who gives into hyperbole, but this book is probably THE worst book I have EVER read, not to mention THE worst conclusion to a beloved series. It doesn’t wrap up the billion plot threads that have arisen in the previous five books. Characters act largely out of character or like idiots. Two-thirds of the book has no plot, and the last third has a plot that was regurgitated from an earlier book. The writing is horrible. The dialogue is terrible. Whole conversations are dedicated to one character telling another about events the other character should already be aware of. The pacing is all over the place. More time is spent on detailing every cave Ayla visits, but important events are sloppily skimmed over. Several “exciting” events pause to detail Zelandani social norms, the usages of cattail, or recap earlier books/scenes, thus breaking any sense of tension. Large chunks of the book are stories from the previous five books or reiterations of events that occurred earlier in the story. There is no cohesion in the book; it is separated into three parts that have very little to bind them into one work. The sex, though greatly reduced (only two explicit sex scenes and two instances of being interrupted while having sex), are still hilariously over the top and monotonous. The conclusion is mournful and an insult to fans.

About the only laudable quality is the research. It is obvious that Auel has put a lot of effort into the research, which is commendable. But regurgitating research pell-mell into a novel without good characters, a plot, and decent writing does NOT make a story. (And it doesn’t help to have anachronistic info dumps written as if from a technical manual either.)

It is inexcusable how horrible this book is. Auel has had many years to plan her ending to this once great series. In the five previous books, she introduced many interesting plotlines, which she could have explored. (view spoiler) Instead, we are given this mammoth piece of Mammoth dung.

Ayla is basically unrecognizable. From Page One, Auel suddenly retcons Ayla’s capabilities:

Ayla, too, had extraordinarily sharp vision. She could also pick up sounds above the range of normal hearing and feel the deep tones of those that were below. Her sense of smell and taste were also keen, but she had never compared herself with anyone, and didn’t realise how extraordinary her perceptions were. She was born with heightened acuity in all her senses.


In every other book, Ayla had plausible reasons for her abilities. She was good at memorizing to compensate for the memories she didn’t have. She had greater strength to be able to keep up with the Clan. As for her vision and smell, never before has it been mentioned that Ayla’s were above-average (and given all the other Mary Sue qualities Ayla has, you can be assured this would have appeared at one point).

Ayla remains the Mary Sue she has been since the beginning. The woman can do pretty much anything and everyone will applaud her. Nearly every man wants to share Pleasures with her; the First Among Those Who Serve the Mother along with all of the Zelandania thinks she is the cat’s meow; even the women want her:

"Ayla just looked at [the Watcher] and smiled, but it was the loveliest smile [the Watcher] had ever seen. 'She really is a beautiful woman. I can understand Jondalar's attraction to her. If I were a man, I would be too.'"


The entirety of her role in this book is to gape at caves, blather about the last five books, which we’ve heard nearly 80 thousand times by now, or listen to people yammer on about counting, sacred colors, or some other such “religious” aspects (and, just to clarify, it’s not the fact it is religious that I don’t like it; it’s the fact that it is BORING). Oh, and she also is “blessed” to find the final verse in that terrible Mother’s Song, a verse that corroborates a view she has held since Book 1 and one that will send the reader’s eyes a’rollin’.

Morpheus

Probably the most amusing part is when Ayla suddenly becomes a vengeful person. When she discovers Jondalar has been pumping Marona with his “essence” because Ayla has been busy training to be a Zelandani, she decides to “share Pleasures” with Laramar of all people. While I appreciate having Ayla actually behave like a normal human being for once, where the hell did this come from? Why the frak did she choose Laramar of all people? Why not Brukaval or Danug or Echozar? You know, the men she thought were super attractive because of the way she was raised but hasn’t done ANYTHING to get them to show her the signal because of her TWOO LURVE for Jondalar? It’s already been established that Jondalar is a jealous pr!ck who doesn’t mind having sex with another woman but who can’t stand it when Ayla chooses another.

Jondalar, besides being said jealous pr!ck, is basically an accessory for the first two parts, and then turns into full-fledged @-hole in the last part. Other than describing his physical attributes (he is a “6'6" tall, well-formed, incredibly handsome man, with an unconscious charisma enhanced by a vividly intense shade of blue eyes”, in case you can't remember from the other 3 billion times it is mentioned), Auel keeps describing him as “charismatic”, but I honestly think that Auel doesn’t know what that word means. It certainly doesn’t describe the man I’ve been reading for five books.



He has his own out-of-character moments. He shows little signs of being upset with the decreasing amount of time that Ayla is spending with him, but suddenly, Marona is sucking on his massive dong. Where did this come from? Why Marona? Sure, she “seduced” him (because, remember, she is EVUL and cannot be shown to have a smidgeon of good), but why would Jondalar bother with her? If it’s because she’s a “petal” to be picked, why not pick the dozens of other women, who weren’t discouraged by his previous monogamy and would GLADLY drop their cave panties for him? What about Joplaya or Zolena/Zelandani/First? Oh, right, that would actually make sense, and we can’t have logic in these books!

What really irritates me is that when he is caught, he whines, “Why did Ayla have to find out?” Uh, don’t you mean, WHY THE FRAK DID I SEX UP MARONA, THE WOMAN I RAN OUT ON BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO MARRY HER, AND CHEAT ON THE WOMAN I SUPPOSEDLY LURVE SO MUCH?!!?? You dirty, filthy, scumbag, you are just guilty because Ayla found out, not because you did something wrong, betrayed her trust, and acted like a two-faced d-bag, just like how you behaved 6 years ago in The Mammoth Hunters. You truly haven't grown up, have you, Jondalar?

And why is it that AYLA should be shamed for Jondalar sleeping around with another woman? It’s a WOMAN’S fault if a man sleeps with another woman, because she didn’t Pleasure her mate enough? Has no one heard of control? What about self-Pleasure? How about good old fashioned “talking”? Wasn’t that what they promised to do after the LAST Big Misunderstanding in Hunters? Why the frak are they even so exclusive to begin with? This is supposedly a polyamorous society! There is no reason that either of them should have their cave panties in such a knot.



But what about Jonayla, the child that Ayla wanted so past the last five books? I would hardly have noticed she was even here; every time she could, Ayla dumped Jonayla on someone else so Ayla could do something more interesting. I can’t tell you one remarkable thing about the child…no, wait, I take that back. Jonayla is probably the only baby (only a few months old) that can wait to urinate until her mother removes her from her carrying basket.



I hate to keep saying it, because I sound like a broken record, but every other character is a cardboard cutout. No one has any personality, no identifying attribute to make them stand out of the rest of this crowd. All the good guys love Ayla and Jondalar. All the “bad guys” are so lame and impotent, they might as well have been written for 5 year olds. No, that’s insulting to 5 year olds.

There really is no plot to this book. The first two parts are so boring, I thought I would poke my eye out with a blunt instrument, just to have something exciting to do. Watching paint dry is more exciting than listening/reading to this book. And it's not like the first two parts have any real importance to the last part. In fact, the first two parts are so insignificant to the last part, you could just skip them and move directly to part three. I'll do you a favor: here's the summary:

Part One: Ayla begins to train as Zelandani. EARTHQUAKE!

Part Two: OOOOOOOO LOOKIE CAVES!

In the first part, we ALMOST get a plot. Zelandani is frustrated that Ayla doesn’t spend more time training; everyone is p!ssed that Ayla dumps Jonayla on them (some mother that Ayla has become!) and Jondalar is somewhat pouty that Ayla isn’t always available to suck on him. Welcome to marriage, Jondalar. After an earthquake that goes NOWHERE, this part abruptly stops and lurches into part two.

Part Two is suddenly set four years later for no good reason. Ayla heads off to look at the caves, dragging along Jondalar and Ayla, again for no good reason. Ayla and gang go to the caves for no good reason (in case you can't tell, a lot happens in this book for no good reason). Auel does absolutely NOTHING to make the caves integral to the story. I thought she might make Ayla draw one of the cave paintings (yeah, Mary Sue-ish and probably not accurate to the time period, but I’m so over that by now), but no, that would be too interesting. Instead, Ayla just gawks at these scratches on the wall, as if she was on a modern day tour (imagine reading a book about a guy playing Tetris), and chat it up with fellow Zelandania about why the “ancients” drew on the walls as if they are art history students (but exceptionally BORING art history students—my sister has taken art history courses and talked about some art, and it was NOWHERE NEAR as BORING as these discussions, and I don't really get art!!). But wait, do they have interesting conclusions to why the artists drew on the walls? *laughs* It pretty much amounts to: don’t have a clue, but they had a reason! This entire section is POINTLESS and, more importantly, BORING.



Just when things might get interesting, Auel hastily wraps up the journey in two paragraphs and stumbles into Part Three. Part Three is where Ayla trips upon Marona giving Jondalar “a good time” (apparently Ayla did NOT invent oral pleasures!!), and the two decide that not talking worked SO WELL back in Hunters, they ought to do it again. Which they do until Ayla nearly dies from that root drug from Cave Bear, blah, blah, blah...

Oh, yeah, before that happens, Ayla takes that damn drug (yes, she takes the drug TWICE in this book), wanders into a cave, and starts hallucinating. As she does, she is “gifted” with the Big Reveal, hears the complete version of that horrible Mother’s Song, miscarries a child in a senseless, tacky act of “drama”, and then tells everyone about her BIG NEWS. What is that Big Reveal, you ask?

(view spoiler)

With the way the Three Parts are written, it’s as if Auel wrote two separate stories, couldn’t decide which one to use, and decided she didn’t want to bother writing anymore, so she tossed them together with a travelogue she had of the prehistoric cave paintings. What happens in Parts 1 and 2 aren’t referenced in Part 3; in fact Parts 1 and 2 seem to be an excuse to research the caves and nothing more.

The repetition in this book! All of the books are bad, but this one is painfully repetitious! Don’t bother reading any of the previous books; you won’t need to. In fact, even without reading the previous books, you’ll probably want to shoot yourself in the head by the end with the amount of times you hear people gape at Ayla’s Super Speshul Accent (over 30 separate incidents!), someone introduce themselves with either full or partial introductions, a retelling of an event in previous books, or astonishment over the domesticated animals. And in case you wondered how cavepeople took care of body functions, Auel makes sure her characters let you know as her characters take a whopping 23 times to either “pass water” or talk about bodily functions.

The writing! It’s almost as if Auel is getting worse. There were many instances, but here is one sentence that stood out to me as particularly horrible:

“It’s uncanny, but mysterious.”

Uncanny: a: seeming to have a supernatural character or origin: eerie, mysterious; b: being beyond what is normal or expected: suggesting superhuman or supernatural powers

Mysterious: a: of, relating to, or constituting mystery; b: exciting wonder, curiosity, or surprise while baffling efforts to comprehend or identify: mystifying

“It’s mysterious, but mysterious?” Huh? What is this supposed to MEAN?

The research! It is so awkward and analytical; you’d probably get more enjoyment out of reading a non-fiction book than this. Actually, the entire Part Two feels like a non-fiction wrok. There is no sense of awe or excitement to see these cave drawings; in fact, I’ve never before been so bored and uninspired to see them.

Earlier this year, I got the chance to read an extraordinary novel. The setting was rich and detailed. The characters were warm and inviting. The story was gripping and made me want to read more. I tore through it quickly, and when I got to the end, I immediately felt bereft.

What amazing, unputdownable book am I talking about? That was none other than Clan of the Cave Bear. I truly fell in love with that book, with Creb, Iza, and Ayla, with a wide, wonderful new world set in the prehistoric age. I had heard so many things about the books (particularly the latter ones), but I had such hope for the series. I was really eager to learn about what happened to Ayla. Would she ever see her son again? Would she ever find her family? How could she survive by herself? Would Ayla ever find love, family, belonging or would she constantly wander alone?

Well, this book answered absolutely NONE of my questions. It took the characters I loved and twisted them beyond recognition. It is an execrable excuse for a novel. But what’s worse is that this is the final book of the series (unless Auel changes her mind and decides to milk the cash cow a bit more). And that means there are no more books. There is no hope of learning what happens to Durc, to Uba, to the Clan. I won’t see Ranec, and Nezzie, and Deejee again. My last memory of these people is destined to be Jondalar screaming (Reb Brown-style) “He’s making my baby!”

And that is what makes me honestly sad.

NOT recommended.
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Reading Progress

04/11/2012
0.0% ""For some reason, it was also at times like this that [Joharran] noticed her unusual accent more." Awww, what a sweet way to open the book!" 5 comments
04/11/2012
1.0% "Okay, hold on a second! Where are these people? Why are they there? Are they part of a hunting expedition? If so, why did Ayla bring her baby? In fact, why did Ayla go at all (other than she is super speshul and the best spear thrower EVAH)? Are they going to the summer meeting? Isn't it still spring? Are they just wandering? What happened to their semi-permanent homes in the Shelters?"
04/12/2012
4.0% "Wow...Auel has never been the Queen of Dialogue, but this dialogue is particularly stale and stilted. Ayla talks about her scars as if she has NEVER told these people about them before. I know it's to catch the readers up, but come on!!"
04/12/2012
4.0% ""She is definitely not a Zelandani, Sergenar thought as he heard her speak." I'm including that in the Ayla's Accent count, even though it is the subtlest description of Ayla's foreign accent I've seen in these books." 2 comments
04/12/2012
4.0% ""Wolf...bared his teeth so that his large carnasial shearing teeth showed." We know you did research, Auel. You don't have to prove it to us."
04/12/2012
5.0% ""Jondalar was unaware of his own charisma." So is the reader. Jondalar is charismatic? Really? When?" 11 comments
04/12/2012
5.0% ""Jondalar's emotions had always been too strong, his passions too great...it was not easy for him to show the full intensity of his feelings." Is this just an excuse for an author who can't write an emotional character?"
04/12/2012
5.0% "First mention of body functions. "Jonayla has wet her padding."" 18 comments
04/12/2012
5.0% ""Belladora had heard people talk about Ayla's unusual accent, but she hadn't really heard her speak before." Oh, but WE have. TRUST ME. "though Ayla spoke Zelandani very well, she just couldn't make some of the sounds exactly right." Really? Do tell!" 6 comments
04/12/2012
6.0% "TWO: "[the 7th] was a bit put off by the way [Ayla] spoke. It was odd, not like the way Kimmarran's pretty mate spoke, with a rather pleasant shift in certain sounds. When Jondalar's foreign woman spoke, it was almost as though she swallowed certain words." AND "Her accent was particularly heavy when she said the word.""
04/12/2012
8.0% "Who is this person claiming to be Ayla? What happened to the caring mother? She wanted this damn baby so bad...but she is always passing her off on Folara or Prevala or Loralga to watch. With Durc, we could FEEL her love for her son. Here, it seems Ayla doesn't really care about Jonayla. And where is the frakkin' plot?" 5 comments
04/12/2012
9.0% "“She had a different view of the way new life came to be…she had told him that it wasn’t only his spirit that had combined with hers to create this new person, but his essence when they shared Pleasures.” Haven't heard this before!"
04/12/2012
10.0% ""Some of the people who hadn't met [Ayla] before were surprised at the way she said certain words. It made them curious. It wasn't like anything they had heard before. They had no trouble understanding her--she knew the language well and had a pleasing, low pitched voice--but it was unusual." So now Ayla Sue's accent is pleasing and low-pitched."
04/13/2012
13.0% "#7 Ayla Accent in Comments. I want to spend this update asking this question: didn't we just have this conversation about the Holy #5 and the number of seasons? Then why are people recounting it as if it had NEVER BEEN DISCUSSED BEFORE?" 5 comments
04/13/2012
13.0% ""I've never seen anyone with brown eyes. The eyes of everyone I know are blue or grey sometimes with a little green." Wait a minute...so Cro-Magnons didn't have brown eyes (or are so rare that this kid has never seen any)? P.S. I love how in this book, Ayla is getting mad every other scene. She got mad about the treatment of the Drunk's kids like three times and now got mad about Clan = Animals." 4 comments
04/13/2012
13.0% "“though she didn’t fully trust her sense of who was attractive to her own kind of people, the Others to the Clan. Her perception of who looked good was strongly influenced by the standards of the people who raised her. She thought people of the Clan were handsome, but most of the Others did not.” Apparently, though, this perception of attractiveness does NOT pertain to Jondalar, the Big Dong Wonder." 3 comments
04/13/2012
14.0% "Oh nooooooooooes! Ayla can't sing and Zelandani have to be able to sing!! Ayla is so totally not a Mary Sue!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!" 9 comments
04/13/2012
15.0% "

OMG, Ayla got stuck on her big jugs while entering the cave! LOLZ!

"
04/13/2012
15.0% "#8 "A couple of the young men, primarily the ones who were nervous about Wolf, looked surprised when Ayla spoke. It proclaimed her distant origins.""
04/13/2012
16.0% "How am I supposed to keep these 5 billion characters straight??!?"
04/13/2012
16.0% ""Jonayla was getting so used to [being pulled out and peeing on the ground], she tended to wait until she was out before she let go." [image error]" 19 comments
04/13/2012
16.0% ""Ayla, however, was used to candor. It was common and entirely appropriate for the Mamutoi to be frank and forthright." Unless of course it deals with months-long p!ssing contest between Ding Dong and Ranec. Then a crowbar wouldn't open their traps." 2 comments
04/16/2012
19.0% "Madroman calls Jondalar a "Big Oaf" (totally awesome) and Ayla Accent #9: "Just listening to her speak emphasized her strangeness and made them aware she was from some strange place." This only just came to mind?"
04/16/2012
19.0% "“A young woman who shared Pleasures before her First Rites lost status.” *vomit*" 1 comment
04/16/2012
19.0% ""Ayla sniffed the cup. It was an automatic, habitual action, and almost as subconsciously, she noted the ingredients." God, for once, I'd like Ayla to sniff a cup and not have a f@#$ing clue what was in it."
04/16/2012
19.0% "“Wolf, I am so glad that I found you. Every day you are here for me, and you give me so much.” This is the most heartfelt declaration thus far in these books...and Ayla gives it not to the Love of Her Life or to her own daughter that she supposedly wanted SOOOO MUCH, but to an ANIMAL. What is WRONG with these people?!???!!" 2 comments
04/16/2012
19.0% "

“[Ranec’s affections for Ayla] brought out a jealousy in Jondalar that he didn’t know he had. The tall blond man with the compelling blue eyes had always been the one that women couldn’t resist.”

" 2 comments
04/16/2012
19.0% "Why is Ayla wearing her knot tying dress? She isn't getting knot tied. And why the f@#$ are we getting a detailed, in-depth analysis of the stupid thing? I don't want to make my own!!" 4 comments
04/16/2012
20.0% "And the unjustified vilification of Marona continues. I refuse to acknowledge the author's attempts at making her evil and vindicating Jondalar's heinous actions."
04/16/2012
20.0% "Oh God. The Mother's Song. Time to Skip!" 2 comments
04/16/2012
20.0% ""[Jonayla] had learned quickly that the sooner she [passed water] the sooner she'd be out of the cold and held close to a warm body again." And since Ayla spends oh, so much time with her "beloved" daughter, that warm body could be pretty much anyone from the 9th cave." 2 comments
04/16/2012
23.0% ""He...lifted his leg and sprayed a bush." Hand it to Auel to make sure that her storyteller tells a story that includes p!ssing." 4 comments
04/16/2012
23.0% "I am just going to count this as one, but damn, it gets a long mention! AA#10: "Zanaca and the others became very aware of Ayla's unusual accent as she spoke...'I love your voice!' 'I've never heard an accent like yours.' 'You must come from very far away.' Ayla was usually a little embarrassed when people mentioned her accent" Which means she is embarrassed 90% of the time."
04/16/2012
24.0% "“Ayla noticed that the nursing was encouraging Jonayla to generate more than water. She quickly spread out a small pile of soft, absorbent cattail fibers and laid the child’s bare bottom on it.” Maybe I should have a count meter for all the times someone takes a sh!t or a p!ss..." 6 comments
04/16/2012
24.0% "“It feels different inside me when you do it. I like it when Jonayla nurses but it doesn’t feel the same. You make me want you to touch me in other places.” BLECH!!! Yet another sex scene going in the exact same route as the last 30,000 times. And I really hate how the only sweet words they say to each other is, "Boy, you are so beautiful!" So much for any real character!" 4 comments
04/16/2012
24.0% "Super long, VERY disgusting quote in comments." 8 comments
04/16/2012
28.0% "

And now, after all that pleasant WTFery, we are now at the boring part. Ayla is making food and explaining where she learned how to cook.

"
04/16/2012
29.0% "“Jondalar was a serious man; though he smiled easily, he seldom laughed out loud.” Um, by nature, if you are serious, doesn't that mean you DON'T smile much? Furthermore, WHEN in all the previous pages has Jondalar EVER acted serious???" 6 comments
04/16/2012
29.0% ""Yes, Folara is beautiful. And also intelligent and fearless." Huh? Really? Never got that impression. Why don't you trying SHOWING your intelligent, fearless characters instead of having another character TELL us how intelligent and fearless they are?!"
04/17/2012
30.0% "Ayla's Super Speshul Accent #11: "The comment made Zelandani again aware of [Ayla's] odd way of saying certain sounds as was often the case when Ayla talked about the Clan.""
04/17/2012
30.0% "“…as running water…seeped slowly, with inestimable patient, through earth and limestone, accumulating calcareous residue on its way and depositing it…to create the stone icicles above them and the rounded stumps of stone below.” I think I had to listen to this twice to get the meaning..."
04/17/2012
30.0% "POTTY BREAK #7: “They all found a private corner to pass water and relieve themselves first. Ayla held the baby out to let her pass her wastes as well and cleaned her with some soft, fresh moss she had brought with her.”" 1 comment
04/17/2012
31.0% "Mother's Song #2: Ugh. Complete with Ayla's stupid commentary. As if that would convince ME to like this stupid poem."
04/17/2012
31.0% "POTTY BREAK #8: “ [Zelandani said,] ‘I need to pass water.’ Jondalar…had been sipping on his small water bag all day, and he felt a need to relieve himself too.”" 8 comments
04/17/2012
33.0% "Ayla's Super Speshul Accent #12: "Both Marshona and her daughter became aware of Ayla's unusual way of speaking, her exotic accent.""
04/17/2012
33.0% ""I started trying to make the sounds of many animals because it was fun and challenging." Okay, yeah, I remember her whistling like a bird, whinnying like a horse, and imitating Baby's noises, but a hyena? A wolf? The first animal she hates, the second, huh? Did Auel just not want to go back and reread what she wrote before or is she retconning?"
04/17/2012
34.0% "“Ayla noticed that there was a fine transparent covering of calcite on the frieze, an indication that it was already old.” I guess I hit the "Let's talk about the cave paintings in exhausting details." Inches and calcite. I mean, really, is Ayla the first archaeologist/anthropologist??" 1 comment
04/17/2012
34.0% "OMG, it's f#@$king Map Quest!! Those of you who read this in paper: HOW DID YOU DO IT?!!!??" 10 comments
04/17/2012
35.0% "Ayla's Super Speshul Accent #13: "It had been some time since the Zelandani of the 5th cave had heard Ayla speak, and her manner of speaking was noticeable, not only to him, but to the other members of his cave, including Madroman." BTW, I <3 Madroman/Ladroman/guy Jondalar punched (and whom Jondalar had to pay retribution to!!!!)."
04/17/2012
36.0% "Potty Break #9: "Just as Jondalar was leading the young stallion away, the horse defecated, leaving plops of brown, grassy dung on the ground behind him, which gave off a strong, horsey odor." But how big was the plop? Length? Width? Depth? What type of grass? What was the mass? What shade of brown Auel, I absolutely HAVE to know!!!!!" 2 comments
04/17/2012
36.0% "Potty Break #10: "[T]hey...arranged places for the horses under the shelter in front of them, moving Racer's recent droppings out of the way." WHEW!! I was afraid we weren't going to find out what happened to them, that they were going to be dropped from the plot altogether!!" 1 comment
04/17/2012
36.0% "I can't believe it!! Ayla remembers Durc! *faints*" 2 comments
04/17/2012
36.0% ""Those look like man and woman parts. Is that what they are?" Ayla and Jondalar stumble upon the orgy room."
04/17/2012
37.0% "Potty Breaks # 11 & 12: "[Ayla] went to pass her water] and "the soiled absorbent had held in place. Ayla collected the unpleasant material and dumped it in the night basket."" 3 comments
04/18/2012
39.0% "An earthquake, a hint of an interesting plot (Ayla's history before the Clan) that I know will never be addressed further *sigh*" 17 comments
04/18/2012
40.0% "Ayla’s Super Speshul Accent #13: “He became aware of her unusual accent again. When he had first heard the foreign woman speak, the year before, he had thought her accent was quite strange. But when he was recovering, especially when he woke up after the accident and was in so much pain, he grew to look forward to that accent, because she invariably brought some relief.”"
04/18/2012
40.0% "Huh, what?! What just happened? Where did the rest of the book go? How much time has passed? Why did we jump so many years? What was the purpose of the last section? Why didn't we just start the book off at this time, if all the conflicts of before (Ayla's Zelandani business conflicting with motherhood, Ayla's flashes from her past) aren't going to be addressed?! FRUSTRATING!!" 1 comment
04/18/2012
40.0% ""Springs have been wetter ever since that cold winter that Marthona predicted a few years ago." Which obviously wasn't important enough for you to show us...you don't mind getting into too much detail on the damn caves, but showing us how you survive a very cold winter? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Too boring! (Honestly, I would have loved it; "The Long Winter" was one of my favs of the Laura Ingalls books!)" 1 comment
04/18/2012
40.0% "“The woman had also been looking askance at Ayla, especially after hearing the word she had used to refer to her child. Even modified, the word had a distinctly strange and unfamiliar sound.” Ayla's super speshul accent or no?" 1 comment
04/18/2012
41.0% "Ayla's Super Speshul Accent #14 or 15 (depending on if the last one is counted): "Ayla smiled at the beautiful woman with dark, wavy hair and a full, rounded figure, who also spoke with an accent, though it was not as unusual as hers."" 5 comments
04/18/2012
41.0% ""Women could knap flint as well as men, but if Jondalar took on a woman apprentice, where would she stay? He couldn't put her in with the young men apprentices, especially when her monthly bleeding came." Okay, explain this logic to me. This is a society where sex doesn't really matter, where men and women can have sex as much as they want to whomever they want. So why is housing a woman with a man a big deal?" 2 comments
04/18/2012
42.0% ""Though she had gained status among various people, it always seemed to be something that came to her. She had never had to strive for it and she wasn't sure if she would know how to." F@#$ you!! Of course you know how to strive for status...that's what you did for the entirety of "Cave Bear"! You should have had to work for it with the Mamutoi, but your author pampered you! F@#$ you, you privileged tw@t!!" 2 comments
04/19/2012
44.0% "This is positively ridiculous. Sure, let's skim over a supposedly important meeting with these river people, enough that Ayla considers them FAMILY, but by Jove, let's recount how Jondalar fell in a f@#$ing river and acted like an @sshole, or some other story we've heard a billion times already. And what for? To find some stupid caves for a "spiritual" journey. This is what they call a "story"?!!?!?!!" 5 comments
04/19/2012
44.0% "Ayla's Super Speshul Accent #16: "The man struggled not to show his surprise at the way she spoke. It was obvious that she came from some place far away. It was rare that a foreigner was accepted into the Zelandania" Oh, you poor fool! This is Ayla Sue! She can do ANYTHING!"
04/19/2012
44.0% "Ayla's Super Speshul Accent #17: "The woman became very conscious of Ayla's accent, especially after hearing her word for 'wolf' and strange words for the people she had mentioned." I love how these people SUDDENLY realize Ayla's got an unusual accent. Like it had NEVER OCCURRED TO THEM before that very moment."
04/19/2012
44.0% "Ayla's Super Speshul Accent #18: "That's why I sound different when I talk, especially some of my words. As hard as I try, I still can't quite make certain sounds." Really? Do you think we forgot why Ayla has this super speshul accent? The probably ONLY fault she has, and it STILL isn't a fault, because people think it is SO LOVELY AND EXOTIC. UGH." 8 comments
04/19/2012
46.0% "Good grief. Now Ayla can give a burn victim confidence to go out in public. Not as bad as the 10 min conversation that cured a rape victim, but it is still ridiculous that all Ayla needs to do is talk for a few minutes, shame her (by mentioning many others who have far worse injuries), and then BOOM! Burn victim A-OK and ready to stop being a recluse!" 2 comments
04/19/2012
47.0% "Ah, I can see that skipping those four years was well worth it. Who wants to see Ayla integrating into Zelandani life and train to be a Zelandania when we could have endless descriptions of caves and how to get to these caves and how to hunt?" 9 comments
04/19/2012
47.0% ""These men were thinking of hunting our horses, until Jonayla stopped them." Looks like Hellspawn is turning out just like Mommy. As a sidenote: wouldn't it have been interesting to see more of Jonayla's growth and compare it with the struggles of Ayla's youth? How does Jonayla feel about Mommy being busy with the Zelandani or Daddy being with all his apprentices? Does she ever feel not as perfect as her parents?" 2 comments
04/19/2012
48.0% ""Sometimes, I miss the Mamutoi. I wonder if we'll ever see any of them again." Wouldn't think I'd ever say so, but I miss them too. At least Ayla spent a modicum of time integrating herself and becoming part of the tribe. And anything not related to Jondalar is automatically better." 2 comments
04/23/2012
50.0% "Another version of the Mother's Song skipped. YAY!!"
04/23/2012
50.0% "Ayla's Super Speshul Accent #19: "[Willomar] noticed Farandall's expression changed...when [Ayla] greeted him and he heard her speak. The introductions...had told him a lot about the woman. First, that she was a foreigner, which was obvious when she spoke." And more gushing about how super speshul Ayla is. Bleh."
04/23/2012
50.0% "Reasons to Love Jondalar: "He supported Jonayla...He could bring her to unbelievable joy when they shared Pleasures." Of course, this laundry list is a bunch of TELLING how awesome Jondalar is instead of SHOWING. UGH."
04/23/2012
50.0% "Ayla's Super Speshul Accent #20: "She is an attractive woman, especially when she smiles, and except for her accent, you wouldn't think there was anything remarkable about her or even unusual." " 5 comments
04/23/2012
52.0% "Potty Break #13: "She got up to use the night basket but went outside instead...to a nearby bush..."" 2 comments
04/24/2012
53.0% "This is so boring. Recount story skim skim skim CAVE! Skim skim skim cave drama! Recount story skim skim skim. Where is the PLOT?!" 9 comments
04/24/2012
53.0% "Potty Break #14: "The brown cattail tops would become fuzz that made...absorbent material for babies' waste or women's moontimes." Please, continue with all the prehistoric uses of cattails. Wouldn't want a story to sneak in here and make my heartbeat rise a bit." 2 comments
04/24/2012
53.0% "

"[Jondalar] had always been known to have his pick of women. Many women still found him almost irresistibly charismatic, though he did not encourage their advances." There's that word again.

" 8 comments
04/24/2012
54.0% ""[Amalana] admired [Ayla] intensely and wished she could be like her." This story is only big enough for ONE Mary Sue!!"
04/24/2012
54.0% "Potty Break #15: “After she passed her water, Ayla decided to take a bathing swim in the lake.” Whew, glad Auel let us know this. I was worried Ayla might go a whole day without either bathing or passing water!!" 4 comments
04/24/2012
56.0% "

Ayla's Super Speshul Accent #21: "Most of the time, Ayla's Zelandani friends and relatives thought of her as an ordinary woman and mother and didn't even notice her accent...[blabbity blah about her doing some weird sh!t]...her unusual way of speaking became noticeable."

" 2 comments
04/24/2012
56.0% "Potty Break #16: "Ayla felt the urge to pass her water before they started back...if they were snowbound in the middle of winter, Ayla wouldn't hesitate to relieve herself in a nightbasket no matter who was there watching. But if it was possible, she would prefer privacy." Why? Aren't these people used to running around nekkid?" 2 comments
04/24/2012
56.0% "

Ayla's Super Speshul Accent #22: "Her disparaging remarks surprised the men, first because they expected fear and because they heard her accent....'She's a stranger.'"

" 14 comments
04/24/2012
56.0% "Ayla's Super Speshul Accent #23: "He too had an accent, not the same as the woman's, but as though he came from some distance." What is with these roving bands of rapists? Did Cro-Magnons just like to group together to rape women? They are everywhere!"
04/24/2012
56.0% "Potty Break #17: "Just before we were ready to leave, Ayla went around the stand of trees to pass water." How many more recaps of this event are we going to hear?"
04/24/2012
58.0% "

"He needs to be killed...the question is who will do it and how. Deliberately killing someone is not easy for most people...it's not right for people to kill people. That's why we know he's not right inside." So by killing him, aren't you just as bad as he is???

[image error]" 8 comments
04/24/2012
58.0% "[Ayla has just seen "a little person"; Zelandani is talking] "That person is an accident of birth." Oh great, Ayla to the rescue of another social issue *rolls eyes*"
04/24/2012
59.0% "Ayla's Super Speshul Accent #24: “For those who had not heard her speak before, her accent was a surprise. It was rare for a foreigner to become part of the Zelandania.” As we've been told at least 80 times." 8 comments
04/24/2012
60.0% "

"Stop it! Stop it now!" LULZ, got visions of Ahhhnold in my head.

"
04/24/2012
60.0% "Hey, what happened to the people that tried to release conflict peaceably and avoided war and fighting? Seems like they had NO TROUBLE beating several men to death. And yes, the men were Rapey McRapesters, but what about the "killing people is bad and means you are created wrong"? Is there ANY logic to this situation???"
04/24/2012
61.0% "Ayla's Super Speshul Accent #25: "She grew conscious that the young woman had spoken with an unusual accent...but the way this woman spoke was entirely different. She spoke well, she obviously knew the language, but the way she made certain sounds was unlike anything she had heard before." Never heard THAT before." 4 comments
04/24/2012
61.0% ""She's mated to one of the most fascinating men I have ever met." Note that the only thing Jondalar has said to this random woman is all his names and ties. I guess this is Auel's way of "proving" how "charistmatic" Jondalar is. *snort*" 2 comments
04/25/2012
63.0% "I cannot emphasize how mind-numbingly BORING this "book" is. Auel didn't even BOTHER to make this interesting. She just took her notes of the caves and threw them in a book. What is the point of seeing all these damn caves anyway? Where is the supposed "spiritual journey" Ayla is on? How f@#$ing pointless and BORING!"
04/25/2012
63.0% "Even the women want Ayla: "Ayla just looked at [the Watcher] and smiled, but it was the loveliest smile she had ever seen. 'She really is a beautiful woman. I can understand Jondalar's attraction to her. If I were a man, I would be too.'"" 4 comments
04/25/2012
64.0% ""Now I know why she's mated. [Ayla's] going to be a remarkable Zelandani. She already is. But she couldn't do it without [Jondalar]. Maybe that's what the Mother meant him to do." WTF?!?!? SERIOUSLY!?!?? Ayla will be a good Zelandani because of F@#$ING JONDALAR?!!!??? *throws a brick at the book*"
04/25/2012
65.0% "Ayla's Super Speshul Accent #26: "I am a foreigner with a strange accent." Even Ayla is reminding us of her accent now." 1 comment
04/25/2012
65.0% "Potty Break #18: “Ayla detected an odor and looked around, then understood that Wolf had passed some solid waste. She smiled. It couldn’t be helped.” THE Potty Break of ALL Potty Breaks. (Not to mention, this isn't the most sterling of writing that I've ever read in my life.)" 3 comments
04/25/2012
66.0% "Whoa...wait...what?! We spend hours and hours going over every minuscule detail of Ayla's donier tour, and then we skim and skip them back to the 9th cave in like two paragraphs? Auel, whatever happened to PACING?!??!!!" 4 comments
04/25/2012
66.0% "Potty Break #19: “She took a quick sip of tea, then put the cup down and hurried to the trenches. Though they were moved to a slightly different place every year or so, they were always in the same general area. She quickly relieved herself, then hurried back to the path, picked up her cup, and followed the other fork.” You don't HAVE to give a blow by blow of all the character's actions ya know."
04/25/2012
67.0% "We went from Ayla and Jondalar boinking every few pages to Ayla and Jondalar boinking twice a book. Not that I am upset about it...the sex scenes were REALLY BAD." 1 comment
04/25/2012
67.0% "Ayla's Super Speshul Accent #27: "Her accent wasn't quite as strange to the visitors because they also spoke with an accent, although they thought it was the Northern Zelandani who did." There are people who AREN'T impressed with Ayla's super speshul accent?!" 2 comments
04/25/2012
68.0% "Ayla's Super Speshul Accent #28: “She still spoke with her unusual accent, but they were so accustomed to it, they really didn’t hear it anymore, except that it tended to give her an appealing sense of the mysterious and exotic. They had fully accepted her as one of them.” Even when it isn't noticeable, Ayla's accent is noticeable!" 7 comments
04/25/2012
71.0% "I really don't like how this miscarriage scene was handled. It seems like a cheap ploy to give "chills and thrills". Of course, it was stupid how Ayla gets high AGAIN and goes wandering around in the cave, but I am used to this supposedly smart woman doing stupid things."
04/25/2012
71.0% "Potty Break #20: "The next time she woke, Ayla had a strong urge to pass water.""
04/25/2012
71.0% "Potty Break #21: "She...then took a step towards the night basket. She wished she had thought to take some changes of absorbent padding with her."" 3 comments
04/25/2012
72.0% "

Ze big reveal: dum dum dum! A man's organ creates babies! It is a man's essence! *GASP!*

" 2 comments
04/25/2012
74.0% "Can we please have a little more hero worship for Ayla? I don't think everyone in this universe loves her enough *rolls eyes*"
04/25/2012
74.0% "Oh, Ranec! You are STILL pining after Ayla??? *sobs* Isn't Tish good enough for you? Oh...right...the only woman good enough in this world is Ayla Sue!"
04/26/2012
75.0% "As if this cast isn't already big enough, a bunch of old-timers from the Mamutoi show up. Ayla ought to make a bigger deal about their arrival...doesn't it take a year to get to where the Zelandani are?" 5 comments
04/26/2012
75.0% "Time out. First off, Marona is who Jondalar goes to to sex him up? Huh? Second, if these societies are polygamous (or certainly not monogamous), what is the big friggin' deal if Jondalar sleeps with Ayla? Oh, yeah, it's that TWOO LURVE Ayla has for him. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight..." 1 comment
04/26/2012
75.0% "‘I don’t want Marona…not if I can have you [Ayla].’ How f@#$ing romantic. This whole scene is stupid and insulting. It's the woman's job to make sure she sexes up her mate enough, else buh-bye! Sick and disturbing." 12 comments
04/26/2012
75.0% "“I made her stop loving me. Oh, why did she have to see us?” Not “why was I suddenly an idiot and slept with my ex-fiancée, whom I really didn’t give a sh!t about and ran out on”. Nice to see you have your priorities straight, Meat-Head. Good grief." 2 comments
04/26/2012
76.0% "How is it that MARONA is being blamed for Jondalar's "infidelity"?! These people are idiots. Maybe if Ayla and Jondalar actually TALKED to each other, like they promised to after the LAST Big Misunderstanding, this wouldn't happen."
04/26/2012
76.0% "And now let's go into the social mores and culture of mating or somesuch. Great way to totally diffuse tension (and my building anger at the stupidity of these characters)."
04/26/2012
77.0% "Just hit the "epicanthic fold" part. Still trying to figure out who the hell the kid is...do there have to be 80 billion characters in this series?"
04/26/2012
78.0% "Potty Break #22: "'Now, I think I have to pass water," she said, smiling. ["smiling"???] 'There's a nightbasket behind that screen.'"" 2 comments
04/26/2012
80.0% "Ayla's Super Speshul Accent #29: "Ayla spoke the language so fluently, most people hardly noticed her accent anymore. They were used to the way she said certain words and sounds. It seemed normal. But as she repeated the familiar verses, her speech peculiarity seemed to add an exotic quality, a touch of mystery.""
04/26/2012
81.0% "Ayla's Super Speshul Accent #30: "Then in a strong voice with an exotic accent, Ayla didn't sing but spoke alone." This is probably one of the most awkward unnecessary mentions of Ayla's super speshul accent."
04/26/2012
81.0% ""Unlike the rest of the Zelandania, the First had thought about a man's contribution to creating new life for many years, even before her conversation with Ayla." OMG, this woman actually thought of something possibly before Ayla?!?! No wonder I don't mind the First!!"
04/26/2012
81.0% "Ayla's Super Speshul Accent #31: "Her voice is so distinctive, it doesn't matter." Ambiguous, but yeah, I'm counting that one too."
04/26/2012
81.0% "“It’s uncanny, but very mysterious.”

Uncanny - seeming to have a supernatural character or origin : eerie, mysterious

Mysterious - exciting wonder, curiosity, or surprise while baffling efforts to comprehend or identify : mystifying

So it is "mysterious" but very "mysterious"?? How does that make any sense? Now I am positive Auel is just thumbing through a thesaurus." 3 comments
04/26/2012
83.0% "Ayla's Super Speshul Accent #32: "'Who is she? And why does she talk so funny?' Ayla had all but forgotten about her accent, and so had most of the people who knew her, but occasionally, a stranger brought it to her attention." "Occasionally"?! I don't think over 30 times is "occasionally"! And I don't believe that ANYONE has forgotten Ayla has a super awesome, amazing, exotic accent!" 6 comments
04/27/2012
86.0% "Oooh, I've got some humdingers coming up! “He had put a lot of his essence inside her. Maybe it took a lot of essence.”"
04/27/2012
86.0% ""He’s making my baby! He’s making my baby!” (Pic won't show; follow link) http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m1..."
04/27/2012
87.0% "“But you weren’t available...you know men often share the Mother’s gift of Pleasures with other women when their mates are not within easy reach, don’t you?” Because we can't expect MEN to exert any CONTROL over their urges...it is ALWAYS the woman's fault. D'OH!!" 12 comments
04/27/2012
87.0% "“I can’t believe how little I know him.” Truer words have never been spoken about Jondalar!!"
04/27/2012
87.0% "So if Jondalar had killed Laramar, would the Zelandani have killed him, like they killed the Rapey McRapester band in Part Two? If they don't, seems a bit unfair!" 5 comments
04/27/2012
91.0% "Must...finish...book...TODAY!"
04/27/2012
92.0% ""She felt utterly betrayed. But Jondalar hadn't meant to betray her; he wanted to keep her from finding out so she wouldn't be hurt." It's okay for Jonalar to act out of a jealous rage, but if AYLA does, oh, no, no, what a WICKED EVIL WOMAN. HOW DARE YOU DEMAND A MAN TO CONTROL HIS URGES AND NOT F@#$ THE FIRST WOMAN HE SEES!!! And this is supposedly an "equal" society! BAH!"
04/27/2012
92.0% ""Jondalar was born to grow into a 6'6" tall, well-formed, incredibly handsome man, with an unconscious charisma enhanced by a vividly intense shade of blue eyes." #1: Everything in that statement is about Jondalar's LOOKS, not about his MIND. #2: Charisma (m-w.com): a special magnetic charm or appeal. What is so charming or appealing about Jondalar, other than his looks?" 4 comments
04/27/2012
95.0% "Second to last disc. Ayla is high as a kite. I can't wait to end, this book is like a nightmare." 5 comments
04/27/2012
95.0% "

"There is nothing you can do, Ayla. It is your destiny!" Hm, sounds a bit familiar...

"
04/27/2012
95.0% "Potty Break #23: “[Ayla] was wearing an arrangement of straps that held on the absorbent pads stuffed with cattail fuzz stuffed between her legs. ‘It is either her moontime, or she is still bleeding from the miscarriage.’…The Danier checked to see if she needed to be changed, but it appeared she was at the end of her flow.”" 7 comments
04/27/2012
96.0% ""You can't die. Who will give me a son?" Jondalar, you are just too f@#$ing romantic for me!"
04/27/2012
96.0% ""Ayla, give me a son. I love you!" BLECH" 4 comments
04/27/2012
98.0% "OMG I AM ALMOST DONE I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE DONE IT!!!! Expect a review later tonight and a series review this weekend!" 3 comments

Comments (showing 1-50 of 88) (88 new)


Jane Oh yes... I have reviewed this one on GR, the only one of the six, and it's still reasonably fresh in my mind. I almost gave up on it midway, but now I'm really glad I didn't.


Misfit I skimmed a ton of the last third of the book.


message 3: by Carson Jane (new)

Carson Jane Thank you for the recommendation!


Crystal Starr Light Carson the girl wrote: "Thank you for the recommendation!"

You are very welcome! I hope you enjoy the book!


message 5: by Dennie (new)

Dennie have to say i'm tempted to read this series for comedy value!


Crystal Starr Light It is pretty hilarious. There is endless snark material.


message 7: by [deleted user] (new)

EPIC.

This just made me commit that most heinous of social gaffes, reading your iPhone while surrounded by friends at a cafe. Kudos, kudos.


message 8: by Regina (new)

Regina Love your review. So what happened with Durc is never addressed? I am okay with spoilers.


Crystal Starr Light Moss wrote: "EPIC.

This just made me commit that most heinous of social gaffes, reading your iPhone while surrounded by friends at a cafe. Kudos, kudos."


Thank you!! It was a journey, but it was also a riot!

Regina wrote: "Love your review. So what happened with Durc is never addressed? I am okay with spoilers."

Thank you so much!

I'm not sure if this is a spoiler or not, which is why I didn't put it in my review. (You can never tell!) But the thing about Durc that is never addressed is this: Ayla never tries to get back to see Durc or to have Durc appear and meet the Clan. In fact, we have no idea what ever happens to the Clan, which is kinda sad. Is Durc still alive? He would be probably 12 and a man himself by the end of the novel and especially with some of the dreams Ayla has about her two sons (Durc and one through Jondalar) fighting, it would have been interesting to have him return from her past.


message 10: by Jane (new) - rated it 2 stars

Jane I salute you. Listening to the whole damn series in one go was an amazing feat, and your updates have been the highlight of my day (which is sad, but let's not go there). Your wonderfully snarky reviews have highlighted every flaw as if you were the editor Auel should have had, because no writer is ever so successful that s/he doesn't deserve some HONESTY before the bloody MS is unleashed upon the unsuspecting public.

I seriously felt that I learned something from you and all the commenters. Seeing what annoys the readers is precious to writers at any stage of their career. Thank you so much, and I really hope you'll tackle another series because I'm going to miss this entertainment.


Crystal Starr Light Thank you, thank you!! I really couldn't have gotten nearly as far had it not been for all my commenters' support. You guys are what made listening and reviewing these fun...and you gave me encouragement when I wanted to peel my brains out with a cheese grater. (I can't thank you enough for kicking my butt into gear those times when I put these books on hold!!)

One of the things I really tried to convey at the end of this review was my disappointment and sorrow that the series has ended. I didn't want to dislike/hate these books; I would have eaten them up had Auel made a few (okay, maybe more than a few) changes. And when I say I am sad that this is the end, it is the truth. I hate to think that the story I started reading ended in the lame, tired fashion that it did.

(Of course, I doubt these books would have been half so fun had they gone the way I would have dreamed; they are truly so bad, it's good!)

I know a lot of authors have been in knots lately because of negative reviews. But much of the reason that reviewers, such as myself, get so angry and heated (and snarky) is because we WANT to love their books, but there is so much wrong that makes us dislike them. Cliched plots. Paper-thin characters. Bad writing. Inconsistency. I'm sure that if more authors realized it (and could feel what we feel), they might not get so upset (of course, I could be totally off my rocker).

I fully intend to find another series to snark about. I doubt any series I find will even come close to the cheesiness of Earth's Children, but I'll try. I've just started "Guilty Pleasures" by Laurell K. Hamilton, but I have quite a few books to go before they start to fall off the cliff. I'm thinking about alternating Hamilton with Gregory (I have The Other Boleyn Girl all prepped on iTunes).


message 12: by Karla (new)

Karla Feel better?? :D

imagine reading a book about a guy playing Tetris
That's the next Hollywood blockbuster, just around the corner. Tetris: The Movie.

My last memory of these people is destined to be Jondalar screaming (Reb Brown-style) “He’s making my baby!”


Bwahahaha! You have to admit, that's a pretty friggin' epic image. :D



Misfit Glad you are through these, although the rest of us will be missing these awesome updates.

@ Jane, IMO that's a wise thing for any writer to do. Pay attention to what ticks off the readers. Although in the end there's no pleasing everyone.


message 14: by Laura (new)

Laura So much fun reading your review! I stopped reading them after book 3 or 4...it just wasn't the same. I'm so sad to hear about Jondalar...he always had d-bag potential.


Crystal Starr Light Karla (Mossy Love Grotto) wrote: "Feel better?? :D

imagine reading a book about a guy playing Tetris
That's the next Hollywood blockbuster, just around the corner. Tetris: The Movie.

My last memory of these people is destined to ..."


Given "Battleship" is out in theaters soon, and I heard "Monopoly" was in the works...so yeah, not surprised. Though, honestly, how do you make a game out of these movies?

Honestly, Reb Brown is way more awesome than Jondalar. He actually DOES stuff in his movies--unlike Jondalar, who only fights when another man is humping his woman.

Misfit wrote: "Glad you are through these, although the rest of us will be missing these awesome updates.

@ Jane, IMO that's a wise thing for any writer to do. Pay attention to what ticks off the readers. Alt..."


I am so happy too! I can't believe I made it out to the end in one piece! I'll be missing these updates as well, though...they've been terribly fun!

Laura wrote: "So much fun reading your review! I stopped reading them after book 3 or 4...it just wasn't the same. I'm so sad to hear about Jondalar...he always had d-bag potential."

That is probably the best place to stop, honestly. They REALLY get bad after "Plains". I was always disappointed with Jondalar myself; he was designed to be Ayla's perfect mate, but I never found myself liking him or liking his "chemistry" with Ayla.


message 16: by Karla (new)

Karla Have you seen this spoof poster yet? I'd actually rather see this one than Battleship or Monopoly. :D




Crystal Starr Light Karla (Mossy Love Grotto) wrote: "Have you seen this spoof poster yet? I'd actually rather see this one than Battleship or Monopoly. :D

"


That looks EPIC! Yeah, I totally would love to see that more than Battleship or Monopoly (the clips of Battleship I saw make it look like Transformers 4).


message 18: by Iset (new) - rated it 1 star

Iset :p I knew I had met my Earth's Children series long lost twin when we met. If Auel ever does do a Book Seven, let's do a buddy read.


Crystal Starr Light Isis wrote: ":p I knew I had met my Earth's Children series long lost twin when we met. If Auel ever does do a Book Seven, let's do a buddy read."

Totally!! It'll be a riot to pass notes on number 7!


message 20: by Diana (new) - rated it 1 star

Diana This is, without question, my FAVOURITE review on this absolutely disgraceful book. I LOVED CotCB and PoP, enjoyed VoH, tolerated MH, disliked SoS and absolutely loathed tLoPC. I don't even have anything to add to your review, because you said everything I needed to say, and when people ask me what I thought of this book, I point them to you.


Crystal Starr Light Diana wrote: "Diana This is, without question, my FAVOURITE review on this absolutely disgraceful book. I LOVED CotCB and PoP, enjoyed VoH, tolerated MH, disliked SoS and absolutely loathed tLoPC. I don't even have anything to add to your review, because you said everything I needed to say, and when people ask me what I thought of this book, I point them to you. "

You are so very kind!! Thank you for taking the time to read my review and comment.

I absolutely adored "Clan of the Cave Bear". That book tugged at my heartstrings and made me immediately jump into the rest of the series. This book is such a far cry from that wonderful book...it's a shame. It pains me to think that this is what the series is left with. It deserved much, much better.


Rachel Being able to read this review *almost* made reading the book worth it. Thank you for saying everything that I thought while reading it but with far more hilarity than I could have managed!


message 23: by Diana (new) - rated it 1 star

Diana Rachel wrote: "Being able to read this review *almost* made reading the book worth it. Thank you for saying everything that I thought while reading it but with far more hilarity than I could have managed!"

No, no it didn't. The review is great. The book sucks. Save yourself while you still have time.


Crystal Starr Light Rachel wrote: "Being able to read this review *almost* made reading the book worth it. Thank you for saying everything that I thought while reading it but with far more hilarity than I could have managed!"

Thank you for your kind words!! I had a really good time writing it :)


Crystal Starr Light Diana wrote: "No, no it didn't. The review is great. The book sucks. Save yourself while you still have time. "

Aw, thank you!! This book was definitely a struggle to get through--hands down, the worst in the series.


message 26: by Nat (new) - rated it 2 stars

Nat I couldn't stop laughing when I read your review, all of it completely and utterly true! thank you for making my day!


Crystal Starr Light Nat wrote: "I couldn't stop laughing when I read your review, all of it completely and utterly true! thank you for making my day!"

You are very welcome!! I am glad you enjoyed it :)


message 28: by Willow (new)

Willow Man + Woman + Sex = Babies!

LOLOL I'm still laughing at the big reveal!

Thank you for your hilarious reviews. :)


Crystal Starr Light You are very, very welcome! It tickles me pink when someone likes then :)


Brianne Hastie pmsl - great review. Reading this was such torture. When something finally happened it was exactly the same thing that happened in MH!


Crystal Starr Light Thank you! It's pretty sad how unoriginal and dull this story is. And you're right; it's basically MH 2.0!


message 32: by Marta (new) - rated it 1 star

Marta Thank God, I thought I was the only one who found this book absolutely boring and disappointing, and yes, stupid!! I loved the first three books in the series, but then... I can't even describe how disappointed I was every time I read a new book, they left me completely cold, there was no feeling, no excitement. It was just plain boredom I got. And I hated it. I admire you, Crystal Starr Light: you finished this one. I couldn't read more than three chapters. I didn't have the will. What a disappointment...


Crystal Starr Light "Disappointment" is the absolute best word to describe this novel. I don't recommend it to anyone, and I'm glad that you gave up before getting too far into it!!


message 34: by Kelly (new) - rated it 1 star

Kelly I love your review, and I think you might be interested in my idea to make this book better - The Land of the Painted Caves Drinking Game! For instance, every time someone recites names and ties, drink. Every time there is reference to someone using the bathroom, drink. Every time there is a reference to Cattails, drink. Whenever The First's weight is mentioned, drink twice. After the first fifty pages you won't even NOTICE how much the book sucks!


Crystal Starr Light LOL, the drinking game would make this book LOADS more fun! Though I'd be out after maybe a couple of chapters ;)


message 36: by Sian (new) - rated it 1 star

Sian This review is EXACTLY how I felt about this book, and it made me laugh. Seriously though, spot on review. I was so annoyed by the end of this series.


message 37: by Matthuvius (new) - added it

Matthuvius Manhandlinglambs wow!!! Yours is the most thorough review ever! I couldn't have spent that much energy on the book, which I do think is the worst thing I've ever read. just unrelentingly awful. But thank you for venting for me.


Crystal Starr Light Thank you both for your kind words!

Honestly, if I didn't do this detailed review, I would probably have gone bonkers. It's just the way I process things.


message 39: by Jane (new) - rated it 2 stars

Jane I re-read the review yesterday - still just as much fun as the day you wrote it. Following you reading that series was a joy.


Crystal Starr Light Aw, thank you!! In a strange way, I do miss reading this series! It was so much fun to see how goofy if got :)


message 41: by Willow (last edited Apr 26, 2013 08:31PM) (new)

Willow Who knows, maybe Jean Auel will write book seven when she needs a little bit more money for her nest egg. Ayla and Jondalar (I feel I know them now after reading your reviews) could fall and hit their heads, thus forgetting all about the sex equals babies equation. There could be more plant life to discuss, more caves. Alya and Jondalar could have a misunderstanding. :D


Cheryl Spalding My question for you is if the previous books are as horrible as you say why read the whole series?I


Crystal Starr Light Well, I did like Ayla and wanted to see for myself if the series improved. Plus, sometimes it's nice to read "so bad it's good" books. Since it's my time I'm wasting, I see no problem with that, do you?


message 44: by Lisa (new) - rated it 2 stars

Lisa Vegan Cheryl wrote: "My question for you is if the previous books are as horrible as you say why read the whole series?I"

For myself: The first book was amazingly great, the second book interesting, and then they gradually deteriorated, but I was hooked on the characters and the story, and wanted to see what would happen, wanted to see the whole story. Unfortunately, Auel, in this book, ruined some of the characters and gave no satisfying ending at all.


Cheryl Spalding I guess i will have to see about the third one. So far I have liked the other two. I like the characters and the books are totally different from what I usually read.


message 46: by Sam (new) - rated it 1 star

Sam Ragnarsson This review was both a total echo of how I felt, and a much better read than the book itself! Like someone said in earlier comment, this is what Auel's editor should have written her BEFORE the book got published!


Crystal Starr Light Cheryl wrote: "I guess i will have to see about the third one. So far I have liked the other two. I like the characters and the books are totally different from what I usually read."

I do hope you like them, though I personally found the quality drastically dropped in this series. The third book was basically one Big Misunderstanding; the fourth book was a rather dull tour guide.

Sam wrote: "This review was both a total echo of how I felt, and a much better read than the book itself! Like someone said in earlier comment, this is what Auel's editor should have written her BEFORE the boo..."

Awww, thank you for your kind words! It's a shame that Auel's editor didn't alert her to some of these problems so that Auel could have written a truly riveting conclusion to the series!


message 48: by Kate (new)

Kate Crosher It would have Ben nice is she revisited Durc and the clan, but I just took it to be that she ever saw the again, so neither do we... In my mind, that's real life. Sometimes you don't get a resolution, so why should a 'story' by be any different. I see your point, but I didn't mind that things were not resolved. Although I am dying to know what happened to them, I think it makes it more real that we don't know.


message 49: by Kate (new)

Kate Crosher Oops....sorry for dodgey autocorrect typos!


Crystal Starr Light No problems!

Yeah, I can get that - there's a lot of stuff in real life that is without resolution. For me, I thought Auel was setting it up to return to it at one point.

Maybe a spinoff series???


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