** spoiler alert ** I've been going through the most well-reviewed limited-run graphic novels lately, and this was one of Marvel's alleged best. The Ultimates is also the inspiration for the recent Marvel movies, all of which I've liked except Iron Man 2, and it's a large inspiration for the upcoming Avengers movie, so I figured now was a good time to read it.

So the basic plot is this: Nick Fury is trying to start a superhero team. Why? No real reason - there is no immediate threat and no need, but there's a lot of discussion about selling action figures and meeting with celebrities, including Freddie Prinze Jr (wtf). Anyway, they discover the frozen body of Steve Rogers, Captain America, which gives them the leader they need. Meanwhile, Bruce Banner, his Hulk days behind him, is trying to recreate the supersoldier serum that created Cap in the first place.

Tony Stark seems more or less on board, as are the Pyms, Giant Man and Wasp. Thor is reluctant, due to an interesting characterization of being against the United States military industrial complex, particularly against George Bush. Oh yeah, Bush is a character in the book, thoroughly dating the material.

Once the team has been announced, they stand around being bored, much like the reader, and begin talking about who should play them in the movie version. It all seems very pandering, like it's asking for a movie to be made of it - the entire comic comes off almost like a hollywood pitch meeting. Nick Fury, who was clearly modeled after Samuel L Jackson, declares that Mr. Jackson should play him, in what comes off as a brown-nosing love letter to the man.

Anyway, after a few issues of nothing happening, Bruce Banner decides to re-inject himself with a modified Hulk serum and become the Hulk. Why? To become more powerful and stop a serious threat? Nope, "to give the team something to do." Not kidding. The man has defeated the Hulk, due to what seems like great effort, and he becomes the Hulk again to give The Ultimates someone to fight. The Hulk, by the way, constantly screams about being horny and wanting to rape Betty Ross. Anyway, eventually it takes Thor showing up to knock him down, reminding me of the greatest trouble I have with the Avengers concept: when you have a near-invincible, ultra-strong GOD on your team, what the hell challenge can you create for the team that is too much for him, but doable by a guy in a robot suit, a boy scout, and a guy with bow and arrows? Anyway, they defeat Hulk, only losing about 300 human civilians in the process. Wait, what? Holy shit, so Bruce Banner injects himself out of boredom and winds up killing 300 people? What a selfish asshole. Surely he's the most detestable character in the book, right?

Actually no. Hank Pym, aka Giant Man, punches his wife in the face because of her sassmouth. Jan shrinks herself down to Wasp size and hides from him. Naturally, he recognizes what a monster he is and leaves, right? Nah, he sprays her with insecticide and taunts her as it burns her skin. Then, and I wish I was kidding, he uses his Ant helmet to command an army of millions of ants to attack her, nearly killing her. What in the actual fuck?

When Book 1 ends, Banner is in a holding cell, Hank is on the run, and Jan is in the hospital. And at no point, none at all in the entirety of about over 150 pages, did The Avengers actually face any sort of enemy other than themselves. I realize it's a staple of Marvel Comics for the characters to be complex and flawed, but that doesn't mean they have to be contemptible.

Eventually they start to face a real enemy, shapeshifters. We are also treated to the sudden introduction of mutant siblings Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch, who seem to serve no purpose other than to subtly imply they are fucking, after which they completely disappear aside from an appearance at the very end to even more strongly imply they are fucking. Eventually there is a multi-issue battle against the shapeshifting aliens, highlighted by a moment where the main antagonist tells Captain America to surrender and he points to the "A" on his head and asks furiously if the alien thinks it stands for "France". Classy.

Most of our heroes' dialogue consist of telling various characters to "shut up" as well as calling them "idiot" and "moron", which I'm pretty sure are words that appear in speech bubbles more often than any other. The Hulk is unleashed once again, this time to beat up, threaten to rape, and then eventually EAT the bad guy. If you think that sounds disgusting, don't worry, the thought of Bruce Banner digesting someone else's intestines gets Betty Ross super horny, so Banner gets laid. Captain America also gets laid for beating the shit out of Hank Pym for Janet, thank goodness for that.

I think it's possible I simply hate Mark Millar's work. I found Kick-Ass to be extremely overrated, and I absolutely despised The Ultimates. It's amazing that the recent round of Marvel films are all inspired by the Ultimates universe, considering how much better those films are than the books. Millar's writing is simply too witty, too unrealistically smirky, and done in complete contrast to dead-serious subplots about domestic abuse, that it's basically intolerable.

There is little redeeming about The Ultimates, I honestly can't recommend it to anyone, and I am utterly stunned that it remains in so many "Top XYZ Graphic Novels" lists.