Oh, Pericles, you goofy fuck of a play.

If Titus Andronicus was Shakespeare’s Hellraiser, Pericles is his Hellraiser III: a shitty, canonically insulting pseudo-comedy that likely had no input whatsoever from Clive Barker...er...I mean, William Shakespeare. It was as if its creator(s) started with a solid concept, but then decided it didn’t have enough Hollywood substance and imbued it with elements of tragedy, drama, comedy, and romance, with the understanding that more is always better.

The resulting work is a fucking mess, to say the least. We start Pericles’ adventure off with his quest to find a lady. The lady he chooses is (view spoiler)[being banged by Antiochus, her father (hide spoiler)]. Pericles realizes this, throws up in his mouth a little, and flees. Daddy (view spoiler)[pulls up his pants (hide spoiler)] and chases after Pericles, eager to stop him before he can tell the world of his moral degeneracy.

So Pericles runs away, hoping to not die at the hands of Antiochus, the (view spoiler)[incestuous ne’er-do-well. Whilst avoiding this threat of imminent death, he finds a hot lady and bangs her, resulting in a pregnancy. After Pericles learns of Antiochus’ untimely demise, he takes his moody, fetus-filled wife back home. Or, rather, he tries to. Unfortunately, she gives birth on the boat. And dies. So they dump her in the water and leave the baby in a nearby port to be raised by another family until Pericles can come back to claim her. Many, many years later, Pericles comes back to learn that his daughter has died. Really, though, she’s just been kidnapped by pirates and sold to a brothel. While at the brothel, the daughter, Marina, whips off her disguise and reveals her true self: Super Chastity Girl! She is able to talk the erection off of the most virile and drunken men. The brothel owners determine that she is bad for business and allow a local judge or somesuch to take her away. This somesuch takes her to Pericles, who is happy and surprised to see her, on account of her death. The two of them immediately learn that the mother/wife is still alive, too, and go catch up with her, resulting in a rather happy ending. (hide spoiler)].

Once you add some strange sing-song rhyme, goofy alliteration, a refusal to adhere to any kind of structure, and a virtual lack of theme to that plot, you have Pericles, one of the most successful plays of Shakespeare’s lifetime. Why the success you ask? I’d reckon it has to do with the fact that people are dumb and have been dumb for a very long time. I enjoyed the play, but, for the sake of objectivity, it’s fucking stupid.