Wealhtheow's Reviews > Waiter Rant: Thanks for the Tip-Confessions of a Cynical Waiter

Waiter Rant by The Waiter
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Mar 20, 2012

did not like it
Read on March 20, 2012

Although this is ostensibly a collection of a waiter's experiences on the job, I hesitate to shelve it in non-fiction. Dublanica so clearly takes artistic licenses that very little rings true. There are a few sections that seem real, but the majority of this book is either Dublanica talking about how he's so much smarter than all other waiters&customers or psychoanalyzing himself. Not even half of the book actually concerns actually waiting tables. In every one of those stories, customers are either A)hot women who hit on him B)sophisticated patrons who understand how wonderful he is or C)twits he outwits&humiliates but gets huge tips from. I've collected some of these stories in the "status updates" section, but here's one of my particular favorites:

"'You make the best cosmopolitans.'
'Thank you, madam.'
'I always tell my husband you're a great waiter,' she says. 'Very capable.'
'Thank you.'
The woman looks at me. She's about 50, her face shows the life she's led, but her eyes are warm and young.
'But overly capable,' the woman says. 'I saw how you handled that woman. I was watching. You're more than just a waiter. Aren't you?'
I smile broadly. Customers can be very observant.
'Yes, madam,' I reply. 'Yes, I am.'"

Oh, he's more than "just" a waiter? Is that why this book has all the life and realism of a lump of dirt? This book delivers very little insight into life "behind the scenes" of a restaurant, but a great deal of unwanted insight into Dublanica's narrow little mind.
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Reading Progress

03/20/2012 page 10
3.0% "A dude is concerned about mad cow disease in the steaks. Waiter assures him they're safe. 'You sound so sure,'the man says, smirking.'How can you be so sure?' 'I can explain it. I'm just not sure if you'd want me to.' The man stars at me. 'By all means," he says.'Go ahead.' 'Sir...' 'Tell me.' Okay. You asked for it. 'Well,'I say, assuming a professorial air, '[a page of detailed biology]' My customer turns a..." 2 comments
03/20/2012 page 11
4.0% ""'Thanks again,' one of my favorite regulars says, 'Everthing was wonderful, as always.' 'Thank you, sir,'I reply. 'Thanks for taking such good care of us,' the man's elegant wife says. 'We appreciate your service.' 'My pleasure.'" OH COME ON. "we appreciate your service?" there is no way in hell!"
03/20/2012 page 12
4.0% "'Fuck you!'Drunky Dave screamed. 'I eat here all the time. I drop a lot of money here.' 'You're drunk,'I said as the cab pulled up. 'And the beauty of all this is that you're not going to remember a thing when you wake up.' 'You're right,'Dave acknowledged in a rare burst of self-awareness. 'Good night, Dave' I said. I took his check inside and rang everything up. I wrote a 30%tip for myself. Dave never said a thing."
03/20/2012 page 13
4.0% "The woman's in her late 40s and still a knockout. I know her. She's a bad drunk. She goes home with a different guy every other night of the week. Her conquests are usually younger men. She's slept with half the waiters in town. She made a play for me once. I felt sorry for her and shined her on. She called me a fag. I look at her carefully. Her good looks won't last forever. Eventually booze will ruin them. Men will" 1 comment
03/20/2012 page 300
99.0% ""The front door chimes. I look up. A tall, beautiful red-haired woman is standing itn eh doorway...'What do you do when you're not waiting tables?' the redhead asks. 'I'm a writer.' 'Really?' she says, her green eyes evincing increased interest." And then she gives him her number, based on three lines of taking her order and his word that he's a writer? I am so sure."
04/06/2016 marked as: read

Comments (showing 1-3 of 3) (3 new)

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message 1: by Punk (new)

Punk Ugh, let me just delete this from my to-read shelf.


Wealhtheow It was so disappointing! I wanted anecdotes about waiting tables, not pop-psychology, made-up stories about hotties hitting on him, and mean comments about people's weight. This was not good, although it is an excellent example of someone who is clearly writing what he wished he'd said and done.


Jake Lauderdale Have you ever waited in a restaurant?

Because I would say 70% (guesstimate) of the stuff he talked about from the waitering staff's lifestyle to the kitchen staff's hostility is quite accurate to my personal experience and a lot of my friend's experience who are also in the business of restaurants.

I'm sure some of the comments he jotted down were of what he wanted to say to the customer, but I can also believe the flirtatious and thankful patrons that he wrote about in the book.


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