Anne's Reviews > Vampire Next Door

Vampire Next Door by Ashlyn Chase
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's review
Mar 13, 2012

did not like it
bookshelves: chick-lit, humor, nook, paranormal, read-in-2012, trashy-romance-novel, i-lost-brain-cells
Read from March 13 to 15, 2012

This could have been a cute paranormal romance. You know, something light and fluffy to take your mind off of things. Could is the operative word here.
Vampire Next Door was a hot mess. It was just a whole lotta crazy rolled into one story.
The main plot line is about a vampire who is still in mourning over his dead wife, and a witch who is afraid of the dark. Supposedly.
Unfortunately, this was one of those books that introduced too many twists and wacky side stories. Worse, most of the new twists were resolved within a few pages, and with little or no effort on the part of the characters.

Also, most of it made no sense in any reality.
For example, Mr. Vampire needed to make some money. Obviously there would be limitations on what he could do, right? I mean, if he's going to burst into flame when sunlight hits him, being a lifeguard is probably out of the question. Still, I can't possibly fathom why he would take the advice of the witch's hillbilly cousin, and try to set up a still in order to sell moonshine. Moonshine? Really? That's the honest-to-God best thing you could come up with!? What about a night watchman? Cab driver? Convenience store clerk? Or, better yet, since he evidently roamed around at night as a freakin' crime fighter , why didn't he just steal money from the bad guys?! But, no. His only option was to become a bootlegger. Riiiiight. That makes sense.

Then there was the witch. She's not only afraid of the dark, but she's also afraid to leave the building they live in. M'kay. This probably should have played a larger part in the story, but after a few panic attacks, it sort of floated to the background. I'm assuming they'll get her some professional help at a later date.

The hillbilly cousin I mentioned earlier was one of the more annoying characters in story, so (naturally) she played a large role in what passed for a plot in this thing. Note to all non-rednecks: Y'all is plural. Not singular. It refers to more than one person.
Was the author trying to be cute when she had the character refer to every single person as y'all, or was she just trying to make the bimbo sound even more idiotic than she already did? The world may never know.

Here's the short list (in no particular order) of small grievances I have with this book:

1) When the pregnant chick went into labor, why was it a big deal that her husband's flight home got cancelled because of snow? He was a shape-shifting bird for Christ's sake! Fly yourself the f@!#% back home!

2)Why did they have to go get the Dragon-lady (that they barely knew) to help them set fire to Mr. Vampire's evil maker? Was there a shortage of gasoline and matches?

3)Speaking of the Dragon-lady... The back-story was that if she didn't get sex on a regular basis, she would sneeze fire. So (naturally), she had to become a prostitute. Because apparently there is not only a shortage of gasoline and matches, but also of men willing to have meaningless sex...without paying for it. She couldn't have a boyfriend, I guess. I mean, who would want to settle down with a woman who actually needed to have lots and lots of sex, right? Yep. That must be it.
*bangs head on desk*

4)If the sex scenes were any cheesier, I could have eaten them on crackers.
Fang me, Baby!
Seriously? Yes, seriously. She actually said that when he was getting ready to tun her into a vampire...while they were having sex, of course. And, NO. I don't care if that was a spoiler for someone. I think of it as a public service to warn people when they are about to read something that damn dorky.

I guess I could keep ranting about all the other stupidity in the book, but I feel much better now that I've gotten some of this off of my chest, so I think I'll call it a day.
If you decide to read this, consider yourself warned!
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Comments (showing 1-10 of 10) (10 new)

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message 1: by Kaye (new) - rated it 1 star

Kaye Excellent review, couldn't have said it better myself. I "won" this book in a giveaway. Ooh, lucky me! Duh, wasn't worth killing a small tree to make the paper for this one.

message 2: by Anne (new) - rated it 1 star

Anne Mine was a download from the library, so at least I didn't pay for it either. Sorry about the tree, though. lol!

message 3: by Lola (new)

Lola  Reviewer Sounds bad but love the cover! Great review, Anne! :))

message 4: by Anne (new) - rated it 1 star

Anne Lola wrote: "Sounds bad but love the cover! Great review, Anne! :))"

Thanks, Lola! The cover drew me in, too. I was hoping for a cute and funny PNR, but there was too much cheese.

message 5: by Jennifer (new)

Jennifer Love your review - lol!

message 6: by Anne (new) - rated it 1 star

Anne Thanks, Jennifer!

message 7: by [deleted user] (new)

This book is all sorts of No! LOL, great review as always Anne

message 8: by Anne (new) - rated it 1 star

Anne Read it, Kat! You'll love it as much as Hawkman...
I'm trying to skim/read another book that is just as awful right now. I finally won a GR Firstreads, and it sucks.

message 9: by [deleted user] (new)

That happens with NG for me all the time :(

I have yet to actually win anything on GR

message 10: by Anne (new) - rated it 1 star

Anne This one is beyond awful, but I feel terrible. Ugh. It's total PNR cheese complete with bad writing.

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