Kemper's Reviews > How to Archer: The Ultimate Guide to Espionage and Style and Women and Also Cocktails Ever Written

How to Archer by Sterling Archer
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Apr 07, 12

bookshelves: 2012, humor, tv, spy-vs-spy
Read from April 04 to 07, 2012

Secret agent Sterling Archer has written a book about being a spy, but he isn’t very happy about it.

Archer thought he was being asked to write his memoirs, but after a seven martini lunch and a sexual encounter with his editrix*, he learned that his contract was actually for a how-to book. Sterling doesn't like this because it’ll probably make his job harder if he gives away all his trade secrets, and he isn’t even going to get to do a chapter about cobras.

*An editrix is a female editor. Seriously, read a book sometime.

While Archer may be grumpy, it’s good news for those of us who enjoy watching his exploits on the FX television show. Not only do we get the inside scoop of what it takes to be a world class secret agent, Archer also shares his tips for grooming, clothing, dining, sex, and most importantly, his favorite cocktail recipes. Here’s a sample:

“Singapore Sling

Invented in the Long Bar of that timeless jewel of the Orient, the Raffles Hotel. From which I was banned after an unfortunate incident involving two prostitutes, a lemur, a rickshaw (and driver) and several members of the Singapore Police Force’s Gurkha Contingent. And let me just say this about that: if you ever want to get the absolute shit kicked out of you - and want it done in a precise and professional manner - the Gurkhas are THE shitkickers for you.

Anyway, it’s lame the Raffles banned me, so I’m not including their stupid drink.”


The book is filled with pearls of wisdom like this from the world’s greatest secret agent. Who says he’s the world’s greatest secret agent? Archer does. Repeatedly.

There’s plenty of stuff that Archer fans will recognize. (At last we have the recipes to make Green Russians and Eggs Woodhouse!) While it’s got the same style of humor, it doesn’t rely on recycling jokes from the show, and the tone of the book so exactly matches Archer’s manner that I could hear H. Jon Benjamin’s voice in my head while reading. (How is there not an audio version of this?)

My only complaint is that aside from a brief introduction from Archer’s mother Mallory, we don’t hear from of his coworkers. Hopefully, they’ll do another tie-in book written by Pam so we can learn all about being a human resource director as well as an underground street racer and champion fight club participant.

Later, tator!
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Quotes Kemper Liked

“They say stress is the silent killer. But poison darts are also pretty damn quiet.”
Sterling Archer, How to Archer: The Ultimate Guide to Espionage and Style and Women and Also Cocktails Ever Written


Comments (showing 1-29 of 29) (29 new)

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message 1: by Stephen (new) - added it

Stephen Holy shit snacks....I must have this.


Kemper Stephen wrote: "Holy shit snacks....I must have this."

Just make sure you avoid the danger zone.


message 3: by Stephen (new) - added it

Stephen Lana...Lana...LANA!!!!!!!!


Kemper I liked this book so much I went out and bought a new Dodge Challenger.


message 5: by Ian (new)

Ian Tregillis I would pay serious money for a tie-in book written by Krieger.


Kemper Ian wrote: "I would pay serious money for a tie-in book written by Krieger."

Just a book about his van conversions would be pure gold.


message 7: by Ian (new)

Ian Tregillis Kemper wrote: "Just a book about his van conversions would be pure gold."

Also, his secrets for planning the perfect dream wedding.

But I just had Korean barbecue for lunch. I couldn't read a chapter on Dr. Moreau pig-babies right now.


message 8: by Kemper (last edited Apr 07, 2012 02:48PM) (new) - rated it 4 stars

Kemper "I'm not a 'serial' killer."

"Wait. Why did you emphasize 'serial'?"

"I did....Whaaaatttt?? Did I mention I have a suprise for you?"


message 9: by Ian (new)

Ian Tregillis "My father wasn't a Nazi! He was a scientist."

"Uh, yeah... Pretty sure the Nazis had scientists."

"No they didn't. That's why they lost."


Kemper "Still filming bum fights, Kreiger?"

"No. I'm into something.......darker now."


message 11: by Ian (new)

Ian Tregillis "Just press the red button."

"Okay-- Wait!... Is this going to kill everybody?"

"Just press the blue button."


Kemper Krieger: Pam, if you're dumping stuff on the street, you can also dump these.
Pam: What is it?
Krieger: Shattered dreams.
Cheryl: Smells like rotten meat.
Krieger: Also, yes.


message 13: by Ian (new)

Ian Tregillis *smokebomb!!*


message 14: by Kemper (last edited Apr 08, 2012 08:33AM) (new) - rated it 4 stars

Kemper “I told Kreiger about my headaches, he gives me a CAT scan, then BOOM. Next thing I know, he shoots me full of some kind of…I don’t know… Fish paralyzer? Then it was drill, baby, drill.”


message 15: by Ian (new)

Ian Tregillis "I'm sorry, are you addressing me? Because your authority is not recognized within FORT KICKASS."


message 16: by Amanda (new) - added it

Amanda Is there a chapter on the proper care of ocelots?


Kemper Amanda wrote: "Is there a chapter on the proper care of ocelots?"

Sadly, no. But he does provide some tips on driving airboats.


Kemper These corporate bag munchers owe me $630 for my goddamn flex account!


message 19: by Jeffrey (new)

Jeffrey Keeten I'm so glad I stumbled on this review. I was struggling to find the perfect Mother's day gift. My wife LOVES this show. Is she the coolest wife ever? Plus I'm buying season 1 and season 2 to push the swag to swoon level. Truckasaurus man!


message 20: by Kemper (last edited May 18, 2012 11:10AM) (new) - rated it 4 stars

Kemper Jeffrey wrote: "I'm so glad I stumbled on this review. I was struggling to find the perfect Mother's day gift. My wife LOVES this show. Is she the coolest wife ever? Plus I'm buying season 1 and season 2 to push ..."

Nothing says 'Happy Mother's Day!' like a story about a drunken self-absorbed spy who has a dysfunctional relationship with his mother that runs the agency he works for.

"That's just classic Mother."


message 21: by Mara (new) - rated it 4 stars

Mara Finally bought this as it's $2.99 on Amazon today! Read a book, GOSH!


Kemper Mara wrote: "Finally bought this as it's $2.99 on Amazon today! Read a book, GOSH!"

$2.99?!? For the greatest book ever written? You got a steal on that one.

Bearclaw, RAWR!


message 23: by Mara (new) - rated it 4 stars

Mara Now I just have to hold my breath while I wait for "Secrets and Silk: The Malory Archer Story" to come out... Whilst? While? Whatever...


message 24: by Kemper (last edited Jan 02, 2014 11:28AM) (new) - rated it 4 stars

Kemper Mara wrote: "Now I just have to hold my breath while I wait for "Secrets and Silk: The Malory Archer Story" to come out... Whilst? While? Whatever..."

I'm still waiting for the movie that Mallory and Cyril wrote to come out, too.


message 25: by Mara (new) - rated it 4 stars

Mara Kemper wrote: "Mara wrote: "Now I just have to hold my breath while I wait for "Secrets and Silk: The Malory Archer Story" to come out... Whilst? While? Whatever..."

I'm still waiting for the movie that Mallory ..."

Ah yes, Mandingo 2: The Enslavening.


message 26: by Mara (new) - rated it 4 stars

Mara Obviously now this needs to happen


Kemper I've already got a Jan Hammer theme song on a loop in my head!


message 28: by Mara (new) - rated it 4 stars

Mara Kemper wrote: "I've already got a Jan Hammer theme song on a loop in my head!"
I'm just gonna have Phil Collins accompany and 'score' me everywhere I go. It just makes sense.


message 29: by Kemper (last edited Jan 21, 2014 09:29AM) (new) - rated it 4 stars

Kemper Mara wrote: "I'm just gonna have Phil Collins accompany and 'score' me everywhere I go. It just makes sense."

I Don't Care Anymore that it's In the Air Tonight...


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