James's Reviews > Eclipse

Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer
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Feb 14, 14

bookshelves: modern-fantasy
Read in July, 2008

"You gave it three stars?" she asked me, biting her lip and holding her breath.

"Yes," I finally answered with my marble lips, cold yet strangely comforting, even warm. "Stephenie, don't forget to breathe."

"Oh, of course." A storm seemed to rage in her for just a moment.

"I gave it a three. It's good." I would never lie to her, could never lie to her. Yet, somehow, she felt it was a lie and brooded in stillness for a moment that seemed to last an eternity.

Finally, I broke the aching silence. "I gave it a three because the vampire lore was that good -- the extended plotline and the setup for a decent fourth novel were all enjoyable." There, I said it. Would it be enough for her? No, it would never be enough.

"But you absolutely hated the tent scene with the [spoiler removed:], and you wanted to send Bella straight to vampire hell for her self-absorbed, self-indulgent, self-obsessed self-ness by the end."

We paused and I noticed sobs erupting from deep inside her.

"Stephenie, breathe, and stop biting your lip, it's getting really annoying. Quit with the crying already. Yes, all of those things are true, and if I could release myself from your books, I would. But-"

"But?" she asked longlingly, her fingers caressing my face while my fingers caressed her face and somebody else's fingers were somehow caressing both our faces because you can never have too much face-caressing going on -- whose fingers are those, anyway?

"But despite how much I hate Bella by now, I really want to find out more about the Volturi and the process of becoming a vampire and whether Bella is somehow part of an ancient bloodline that stirs up all the vampires and werewolves whenever she's around. That's why I gave it three stars, and that's why-" I gasped, she gasped, we both forgot to breathe and bit our lips, "-why I will be reading the fourth book as soon as it is out."

Finally, I remembered to breathe and stopped caressing her face, looked into her eyes and with my godlike, cool, marble lips, asked, "Satisfied?"

Smiling, she answered, "Yes, very."

____________

Notes from James: If you like this one, you will probably also get a kick out of my original review of Book 1. Enjoy!
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Comments (showing 1-50 of 174) (174 new)


abbysmom Loved this review. Thanks for a good chuckle!


Johnna Hilarious review. However, I could only give it two stars for the vampire lore pull since she throws most of it out of the window anyway.

Be careful with your writing James, you could make millions of dollars... but lose your soul!


James So true, so true. I keep envisioning that there are books and books yet to be written building on the vampire lore she hints at, but that's probably just the optimist in me.


Sherri Thank you for this, James. I nearly keeled over with the face-caressing description. So true! I just finished this one last night and wanted to see if others were having the same love-hate relationship with this series that I am.

I haven't checked out your other reviews of this series, but I do hope you manage to interject some commentary about Bella's inability to stay conscious through most of the books. That girl is coma-prone.


James So true! I did fail to mention the tendency to fall into coma. But there were soooo many things to lampoon, I had to draw the line somewhere :)



Beth Roberts I am in tears!!! You are a genius!!!


Jennifer Very clever, James. Thanks for the laugh!


message 8: by Rebecca (new)

Rebecca I had to share this with my obsessive Twilight friends. They were not as amused as I was... which only made me laugh harder. You are a satirical genius. I'll never read past Book One, but after reading your review, I will never regret it, either. Thanks for the fun!


message 9: by Sharon (new)

Sharon The New York Times needs to sweep you up as a book reviewer. It's not often a review this good comes along on goodreads or The New York Times.



Farzana Oh man! that was SO true. I couldn't have said it better myself and I'm an English teacher....but I gave it three stars too!


James It appears this review has struck a nerve! Many good notes from people telling me this was an enjoyable read, both in these comments and direct to me. Thanks for the encouraging comments!


Kristi GREAT review!
I am a fan of the series and thought books one and three were the best of the series, but your review captures the annoying elements perfectly.


James I should also say to those who doubt me, I am also a fan, despite the annoyances. In fact, I took my wife to see the movie on opening night. Little did I know I would be one of five men in the audience! As the guy next to me who escorted a troop of 13-year old girls said, his hope was to make it out without getting arrested for shadowing all these teenage girls.


Kristi ( :
That IS a legitimate concern I'd say.

Thank you for your confession.

Did you like the movie at all? I'm hesitant to see it...


James I'm a sucker for that odd combination of fantasy and romance, so I went in rooting for it (case in point: Somewhere in Time is an all-time favorite for me). I came out pleased with Bella's performance, she carried the show. And her dad was wonderfully cast and directed. Edward was less satisfying, but since I didn't have any romantic hopes pinned on him, I was okay with that. I will definitely see the next movies. And based on the loving looks I got from my wife for taking her to see it on opening night, that alone was a reason to see it. Even if the effects were a bit low-budget. :)


Kristi Thank you for your movie review - I truly appreciate it!
My husband would never agree to seeing this publicly with me, regardless of the loving looks he would receive. And I do have some romantic hopes pinned on Edward, so we'll see... ( :


Frances Great review. I laughed so hard my sides ached.


Farzana That's what's so weird about the books. I was determined not to like them because the prose was something my students could have written better, however, I'm still sucked in! I'm reading the final book at the moment.

Oddly enough, despite the hangups and the perfectly annoying traits you demonstrated so subtly, I LIKE them! How strangely comforting that I'm not the only person who feels...divided.

I had better be careful, I'm starting to turn into Bella; soon I'll be breathless and fainting every 5 minutes.



Rachel Thank you for this review; it was hilarious!

I think what bother me most about these books ("most"? who am I kidding? it's one of a long list and they're all tied for level of annoyance) are the potential side stories that she hints at and completely fails to express. In Twilight, I found the back-stories of the Cullen crew much more intriguing than the Edward/Bella tragedy. Your mention of the Volturi & "ancient bloodline" could make for a truly interesting novel (without too much face-caressing) but instead, she allows the soap opera to continue. I found myself alternately intrigued and frustrated by this world she establishes but then fails to complete.


James Agree, Rachel. In fact, in my review of Book 4, this is one of the things that I was most disappointed with (despite the fact that I gave it 5 stars for conflicted reasons). There is a whole universe of possible plotlines I would love to see developed. Maybe Meyer could pull a James Patterson and hire other writers to pursue those stories under her aegis.


Megan Hilarious review. Genius writing. You sound better than Edward!


James Dear readers, please disregard my wife's comment. She's obviously still smitten with me for taking her to see Twilight on opening night.


Jessica Haha! Love your rewiew! Thanks for the laugh!!!


Bonnie Raz This is HILARIOUS! Thanks for sharing your humor with us! :)


Sally Siawidjaja hahahha... :)


rachelle I love this review so much, I want it to kill me and turn me into a moving statue that feeds on the living. (I could just marry it, but OMG, marriage freeks.me.out.yo.)


James Okay, Rachelle, you win the award for best review of my review!


message 28: by Tin (new) - rated it 1 star

Tin i couldn't help but roll my eyes and chuckle at your review, james. lol!!


Teresa This is by far the best review! I am picking up the book later today and hope I can read it without flashbacks to this...


message 30: by Madison (new)

Madison Oh my gosh this was HILARIOUS!!! Especially the face caressing description, that is so true! You got Smeyer's writing style down perfectly.
:)


Susanne I just sent your review to my 6 sisters who can always use a good laugh.


message 32: by Jill (new) - rated it 4 stars

Jill Absolutely brilliant.


message 33: by Elin (new) - rated it 3 stars

Elin Best review ever!! I can't decide if I love or hate these books.


message 34: by Toni (new) - rated it 3 stars

Toni This hardly needs to be restated...but seriously, best review ever!


Lianne This is exactly how I felt about this book...perfect!


Trish oh to be as creative as you in giving reviews... thanks! happy new year!


message 37: by Andhika (last edited Feb 25, 2009 02:20AM) (new) - added it

Andhika Wijaya Can't stop laughing every time I read it. xDD;; I'm not really the fans with this series and I kinda hate the characterization, but I think I'll be curious with Breaking Dawn for the same reason as yours. I want to know if Bella became a vampire or not and what happen with the Volturi. Thank you so much for the review.


Josette Awesome!


Aryll lol, halarious review!


message 40: by Joy (new) - rated it 5 stars

Joy I have shared your review with many of my friends and laughed right along with them.
You really have a superior wit!


abmahoney Hey, you forgot to mention your smoldering eyes.
Very clever. Anyone who has read any or all of the books can appreciate your interpretation. Thank you!


Josette It's funny I didn't realize until after reading your review just how often Bella bites her lip. I'm rereading the first book, and now I'm noticing it all the time!


Crystal I haven't even read it yet, but I loved this! I give your review 5 stars.


Crystal LMAO - I probably read your review 5 times, made myself stop because my stomach started hurting. and then promptly sent it off to several friends. Good show, love the face caressing bit!


message 45: by Jamea (new) - added it

Jamea Though I don't agree with the reason for your review, poking fun like that, inferring you didn't like the book I did think it was a bit amusing. XD



message 46: by Fred (new)

Fred That was an epic review. =]


message 47: by Betsy (new) - rated it 1 star

Betsy LOL. fan freakin tastic. i've been writing my reviews from bella's pov as a txt-speak valley girl twerp, but yours hit the nail on the head so much better :p hilarious. kudos!


Paige Okay, can you read minds, too? Honestly. You hit all the points I wanted to say... but after reading the book, a radiating, furious heat mangled with disgust and frustration and made it impossible to find the right words. ;) Thank you! If anyone asks me what I think of the book, I'll just direct them here.


Amélie Black Poulain Your review is so hilarious. I loved it.


message 50: by Tyas (new)

Tyas James, you're just... great.
I'm rolling laughing on my floor now.


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