Kira's Reviews > Angelfire

Angelfire by Courtney Allison Moulton
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See comments for why my original review is gone. No fear; it's nothing sinister. Unless my laziness is sinister. Then I guess it is sinister.

Sinister.

...

So the other day my sister and I were having a veg on the couch in our PJs. She was flicking through the channels, which is dangerous, because my sister is a nurse and she likes to watch shit like All She Ever Wanted and cries at those ads about life insurance for elderly people.

So eventually we settle for Titanic - or she does, because I can't stand that instalove piece of crap. Have you ever seen it? You know when Kate Winslet jumps off the lifeboat to get back on to the ship so she can be with Leonardo? That's when I fucking lose it. Well, I pretty much lose it the moment everyone gets on the ship, because they're all a bunch of freaking idiots and that's clear to see even before the ship hits the iceberg, but still.

I really lose it when she gets off the lifeboat.

There are three reasons why. The first is that someone else who really wanted that spot and who had two brain cells to rub together could've gotten on that boat and lived. Secondly, she's basically throwing 98% of her chance of survival out the window because of some guy she fell in lust with over the course of about three days.

Thirdly (and most prominently) my reason is thus: her getting off that boat sets in motion a chain of events that leads directly to Leonardo becoming a huge fleshy Popsicle. If Kate had stayed on the boat, then Leonardo would have only had to keep his own ass alive until the ship sunk. Then he would've been able to grab the little floating door and lie on it until the ship came. Ergo, both of them would've lived, met up, got married and had a bunch of hereditarily stupid children. They dance, they kiss, they schmooze, they go home happy. And James Woods scares me.

Capiche?

This is exactly this kind of character stupidity and bad writing that makes this book insufferable. I can't really be bothered elaborating much, because if you read my last review of this book you'll know why I hated the shit out of it - but Ellie and Will are Kate and Leonardo. Poor Little Rich Girl and a love interest so utterly inane you wonder if anyone can actually see him. Is he made of cellophane? Tissue paper? Who knows?

The thing that really gets me about Will is that he's not in any way essential to the plot of this book. Take him out, and this book immediately improves in literary value. The romance between them is bland and frankly, feels like a Plot Tumor. Let's face it: this book would just love to be kickass. It could be, if not for Ellie's really fucking annoying and kind of Mary-Sueish ability to magically heal and the fact that even though she's (view spoiler) this ancient badass warrior, she STILL has to have a man watching her back to make sure she doesn't damage her fragile little ovaries. What do I call? I call BS. If Will was an animal sidekick, then fine, that would work. But I can't see why Ellie has to be GUARDED by Will (view spoiler).

Like Kate, Ellie is a freaking bust. I find it extremely difficult just to tolerate her, and all her "woe is me" garbage. The whole thing with her father was a far-reach for sympathy, and I'm sorry: it doesn't work like that. She whines, and she whines, and she whines some more, because in the world of YA PNR, whining is the new black, don'cha know?

Really, peeps. Early in the book, Ellie says that she has tons of money, a fancy house, tons of great friends, and she gets to have parties whenever she feels like it, but all this is cancelled out because her parents totes argue and OMG, that means her life is just the pits and she should be on Oprah.

Give. Me. A. Break.

This girl is the fucking limit. If ever I saw white upper-class privilege, it was Ellie Friggin' Monroe. It's bad enough that she behaves like the brattiest of spoiled brats even at the best of times, but when she moans about how awful her life is then in the very next scene heads out with her Mom's credit card on a money-no-object shop-a-thon at the mall where I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY brands are dropped, the whole thing kind of loses any credibility.

Ellie, you are about as genuine as my poinsettia hair. Now GTFO.

You all saw my "he was the size of a Chevrolet Tahoe..." tidbit, and I stand by it: the writing in this book was pretty darn bad. It felt like a first draft. It felt...unpolished. There were too many similes and excess dialogue tags and crazy internal monologues and sentences like this: "My mouth sure liked to run when it should have been my feet running".

Oh, just don't. Don't get me started.

This book has exactly the same appeal as Titanic. It's romance with high stakes and all that crazy shit. On the packet, it sounds fucking epic.

When you actually try it? Not so much. It's just lame. Lame is all.

I'll be reading the sequel, because I've heard that it's a monumental improvement on this one, but I'm not holding my breath. Let's be real here.


Drum roll please...

You guessed it!

BONUS TIME!

Another round of completely irrelevant Bonus Time, here we come! After all that Titanic reminiscing, I need a little something awesome to cleanse my soiled mind.

This little beacon of greatness just about does it.
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Reading Progress

07/23/2011 page 5
1.0% "Dry. How did this get past a query letter? The first few pages are all over the place." 3 comments
07/24/2011 page 13
3.0% "Awful, stilted dialogue. Shame, because the plot still holds my attention."
07/24/2011 page 31
7.0% ""My mouth sure liked to run when it should have been my feet running." AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" 8 comments
07/26/2011 page 33
7.0% ""I had never seen anyone on anything other than pot or alcohol, not even shrooms, let alone anything worse." THIS BOOK READS LIKE A FIRST DRAFT." 11 comments
07/30/2011 page 68
15.0% "Pretty awesome fight scene, right there. No, the prose isn't any better, but still; some nice imagery and good pacing."
07/30/2011 page 84
19.0% "Oh. My. God. Worst. Infodump. Ever."
07/31/2011 page 110
24.0% "Brands dropped in the space of two pages: Chanel, Valentino, Badgely Mischka, Marc Jacobs, Dolce&Gabbana, Louis Vuitton. We've also seen BMW and Audi, and will soon see Chevrolet. Ugh."
07/31/2011 page 115
25.0% "TSUKINO? Are you freaking KIDDING me? No, Courtney. Just no. You cannot possibly hope to create a character as truly and incredibly awesome as Usagi, so do not allude to her. Seriously."
07/31/2011 page 112
25.0% "Mythology fail."
07/31/2011 page 123
27.0% "Mythology fail."
07/31/2011 page 124
27.0% "Nice take on the Nephilim. I like it."
07/31/2011 page 128
28.0% "Mythology fail, though at least we're not completely hating on Lilith. I do wish, however, that if YA authors can't say anything true about Lilith, they shouldn't say anything at all. Will the screwing-over ever end? (Also, finally someone mentioned Sammael. It's in the wrong context, but still. No one seems to know he exists.) Also, Baphomet's existence disproves the idea that Lilith's only lover was Sammael."
07/31/2011 page 133
29.0% "Bastian (and the vir) is reminding me of InuYasha..."
07/31/2011 page 134
30.0% "Oh, you know what? Maybe I'm just saying this because I'm a poor kid who grew up half in Paisley and half in a trailer park, but for fuck's sake, Ellie! "Woe is me!" Oh, you poor little rich girl! What a shame that you have every material thing you could ever want, a mother who loves you, a group of friends who support you, and the ability to buy designer clothing with a credit card! Holy sheet."
07/31/2011 page 142
31.0% "Ah, the drunker-stupor love confession. It never goes well."
07/31/2011 page 145
32.0% "I'm warming to Cloud Strife Will. He's alright." 3 comments

Comments (showing 1-12 of 12) (12 new)

dateDown_arrow    newest »

Kira While all the Dan drama was going on, I was under the impression that Ms. Moulton was joining in. I felt so sick that I deleted her book from my database, because I couldn't stand seeing it on my shelf. But after a while she apologized and told me she hadn't meant to cause any harm, so I added the book back, realizing that I didn't need to feel the intense black hatred towards it that I did.

Sadly, my review got trashed when I binned the book. And I can't be bothered writing it all over again.


message 2: by Becca (new)

Becca Aww, I miss this review. I thought it was hilarious.


message 3: by Jessica (new)

Jessica I liked this review before I finished it simply because of the amazing summing up of Titanic.

Spot on.


message 4: by Tez (new)

Tez I like how you start your reviews with an anecdote :-)


message 5: by Wigs (new)

Wigs This is exactly why I started watching you. You have amazing reviews. One, you got in a hercules reference, I mean come on, that's baller, and then you add a bit about your personal life and make it interesting and relevant to your actual review. Brava, my dear.


message 6: by [deleted user] (new)

i was thinking that this book was going to be really good. :/ is it as bad as you say?


OneSarcasticGirl you are a great writer...fantastic.


Kira Sarah wrote: "i was thinking that this book was going to be really good. :/ is it as bad as you say?"

It's not insufferable, and the overall GR rating isn't terrible. You might enjoy it, so if you really want to read it, I'd never say DON'T. It just annoyed me to distraction. Maybe I've read too many books that are eerily similar to get excited about it or for it to stand out to me. Maybe.


message 9: by [deleted user] (new)

this book really is as bad as you say xD I stopped at page 50 >> What a Cloud Strife wanna-be >> I was gouging my eyes out reading this. :) Thanks for the damn good review, Kira.


message 10: by Georgie (new) - added it

Georgie Rose Should i read it??


message 11: by Kira (new) - rated it 2 stars

Kira Georgie wrote: "Should i read it??"

I wouldn't say don't. It's really up to you. Just go for it if it sounds like something you might like. This is just my opinion. You might have a completely different one.


message 12: by Kara (new) - rated it 3 stars

Kara I was sure there was going to be a reason for mentioning so much daddy issues stuff, like her real father had been replaced by Bastian's minion or something. But.... nope. :(


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