Manny's Reviews > Gods of the Jungle Planet

Gods of the Jungle Planet by Vernon D. Burns
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Jan 27, 12

bookshelves: no-redeeming-social-importance, too-sexy-for-maiden-aunts, trash, science-fiction
Recommended to Manny by: Everyone
Recommended for: Not maiden aunts
Read in January, 2012

ANCHORMAN: And now we're going over to Goodreads, where they're just about to present the coveted Worst Book Of All Time Award. I know we're looking forward to finding out who the winner will be. Stay tuned.

ZIPPY THE PINHEAD: Ladies, gentlemen and others. I am indeed Zippy the Pinhead!! Don't believe any malicious rumors you may have heard to the contrary, possibly based on my use of bold fonts and LOLcats. No sir, this is Zippy at your service!!!

[Audience applaud politely]

ZIPPY: No time to lose! In third place, we have Adolf Hitler's epic fantasy novel, Lords of the Swastika . Mr Ferric Jagger will be accepting it on behalf of Herr Hitler, who sadly couldn't make it today due to a previous speaking engagement with the Elders of Zion.

[A muscular blond man with a huge, phallic truncheon leaps athletically on to the stage and shakes ZIPPY's hand]

ZIPPY: Well done, Mr Jagger, well done! If only Mr. Spinrad hadn't spoiled things with that preface. He almost made it seem like the book had a point. And excuse me for saying it, but you were a little short on gratuitous sex...

VOICE FROM CROWD: What about the pleasure-femmes of Zind?

ZIPPY: Indeed, sir, indeed! More pleasure-femmes, that might have done it! Well, better luck next time...

[JAGGER gives a Nazi salute and leaps off the stage again]

ZIPPY: Continuing, our silver medal goes to Philip José Farmer's bad-taste masterpiece, A Feast Unknown . The jury would particularly like to praise the justly-renowned testicle-eating scene. The heroes of the book are here with us here today. Let's give them a big hand!

[Audience applaud again. TARZAN and DOC SAVAGE, both sporting giant erections, climb on to the stage.]

ZIPPY: Careful with those things, gentlemen! I'm standing well back.

[He cautiously hands over the medal. TARZAN and SAVAGE do something disgusting and then walk off again.]

ZIPPY: And now, the moment you've all been waiting for! Yes, the gold goes to Vernon D. Burns for Gods of the Jungle...

[TWO VELOCIRAPTORS have entered expectantly. Suddenly, a trap-door opens in the ceiling, dumping several hundred trashy French novels and a motley collection of scantily-dressed, huge-breasted women directly on top of them and ZIPPY. ZIPPY's muffled voice continues from the bottom of the heap]

ZIPPY: I'm sorry everyone, there's been a last-minute alteration in the program. Our first prize winner has just been changed to The Brigade Mondaine series ...

[The dazed VELOCIRAPTORS crawl out of the pile and manfully attempt to shake hands with the FRENCH SIRENS]

FIRST VELOCIRAPTOR: No hard feelings. It's a fair result. Our writing was too good.

SECOND VELOCIRAPTOR: Hardly any continuity errors.

FIRST VELOCIRAPTOR: And not enough boobies.

SECOND VELOCIRAPTOR: Yeah.
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Comments (showing 1-13 of 13) (13 new)

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message 1: by Tom (new)

Tom Lichtenberg That's some stuff competition!


Manny Yes, Gods of the Jungle Planet did pretty well really. They shouldn't be disappointed.


message 3: by Tom (new)

Tom Lichtenberg I had the great pleasure and honor of hosting Zippy the Pinhead (oh and his sidekick, Bill Griffith) for a book signing some years ago at the bookstore I worked at in San Francisco. It was a classic episode of surrealism in everyday life.


Manny Tom wrote: "I had the great pleasure and honor of hosting Zippy the Pinhead (oh and his sidekick, Bill Griffith) for a book signing some years ago at the bookstore I worked at in San Francisco."

I am so envious! And I wish you a speedy recovery if that turns out to be relevant.


Manny Bird Brian wrote: "A glitch is preventing me from "Liking" this, but not from liking it! A voice in my head is telling me to get ahold of some Zippy the Pinhead to read and review..."

Thank you! And I recommend listening to those voices. Sometimes they talk a lot of sense!


Manny An ironic, druggy LOLcat! Well, all I can say is, it seems appropriate!!


message 7: by Christopher (new)

Christopher Jones Best review evar.


message 8: by Manny (last edited Jan 27, 2012 06:33AM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Manny Hey, thank you! But I owe it all to the source material!!


message 9: by Christopher (new)

Christopher Jones I'm guessing then that it was an extremely painful read?


message 10: by Manny (new) - rated it 1 star

Manny I'm afraid I can't remember much, but I'm pretty sure it contained boobies, dinosaurs and continuity errors. Sometimes all at once!!!


message 11: by [deleted user] (new)

What? There are so many continuity errors! Plus, I don't know if you can compare sff horror pulp to private dick pulp.

I just said dick. Hehehe.


message 12: by Manny (new) - rated it 1 star

Manny Ceridwen wrote: "What? There are so many continuity errors!"

Well you shouldn't believe everything you hear from a stunned velociraptor!!


message 13: by [deleted user] (new)

Fair enough.


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