Considering I recently reviewed GODS OF THE JUNGLE PLANET, it's really unfortunate that THIS is the worst book I've read in a long time.

Real review is under construction, below this line. It ain't finished.

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I'm sure some of you who made the decision to read The Forest of Hands and Teeth will decide to go ahead and read the rest of the series. DON'T. No, really: you've seen all there is to see. If book one was an iMac, this sucker right here is an early model of Windows Vista.

In fact, my goal in writing this review is to rescue you from having to read this book at all. Instead, I shall rewrite an abbreviated--and less emo--version of the book. Once you've read this review, you will know everything needed to skip over this book completely and just read book 3. . . which I've heard is slightly better than this one, although I won't be reading it to find out for sure.


Act 1
Scene 1: Old abandoned amusement park

Protagonista: Gee, guys, I'm not so sure it's a good idea to climb over the fence and go into the amusement park, since zombies are likely all over the place out there.

Female Bee Eff Eff: Oh, don't be such a wuss! It's going to be lots and lots of fun! What possible bad things could happen by wandering around an abandoned amusement park that may or may not be populated with zombies! God, girl, live a little!

Friend's Hot N Sexy Brother: (Looks at her with eyes that radiate warmth, and with pecs of chiseled marble, and other Edward Cullen-like descriptions) Yes, Protagonista. . . . I want you to come. To the amusement park.

Protagonista: (aside) I wish I were able to just have fun like other people my age, and not worry about the swarms of pesky zombies that are moaning and groaning around the fences around my village. Maybe just this once, I'll just go and have fun without being such a wet blanket. After all, what bad things could possibly happen?

(Everybody climbs over the fence and into the abandoned amusement park.)

Female Friend: Isn't this fun? We're outside the safety of our village! Weee!

Zombie: AAAAARRRGHGHGH!

Random Red-Shirt: Arrgh, I've been bitten! Ack, now I'm a zombie, too! Aaaaaarrrrgh!

Everybody else who is non-zombie: AAAAHH!

Hot N Sexy Brother: (attacks the zombies) Oh, shoot! Looks like I've been bitten, too! Doesn't that just take the cake!

Protagonista: I'm petrified with fear, and overwhelmed by swarms of internal dialogue! I don't know what to do!

Hot/sexy: Run, and know that even though I never said anything about it until we were in this zombie-infested amusement park, I've loved you for my whole life, and you mean everything to me!

Protagonista: Thanks a lot for telling me now, douchebag! But seriously, I love you too! (Runs back to the fence)

Everybody else: We're stunned immobile! This is all so sudden and surprising! We just wanted to be out in zombie-infested territory and have some kicks! Who would've thought something like a zombie attack might happen?


Scene II: Protagonista's Momma's Lighthouse

Momma: Basically, all of your friends were found roaming around outside of the safe zone last night. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?

Protagonista: Gee, mom, I'm shocked. So, is that the kind of thing you, like, get in trouble for doing?

Momma: Yes, sweetie. The ones that aren't already zombified are being deported. Sent to Gary, Indiana.

Protagonista: (Stunned) Not Gary, Indiana! Why?

Momma: Because the stupid thing they did could've gotten everyone in this entire village DEAD. So, we're a bit miffed about the whole thing.

Protagonista: It's so unfair! Aside: and I feel immense internal guilt for running away last night, when I could've maybe helped out by staying outside of the fence and screaming while I watched my friends get eaten by zombies.

Momma: By the way, I'm not your real mom. I found you when you were a tiny little tot, wandering around out in the wilderness, so I rescued you and took you in, and then raised you. But, we aren't related by blood. I've just taken care of you since you were a toddler.

Protagonista: You're not my real mother, and you didn't tell me before now? I hate you! You're an evil, bad person!

Momma: Are you taking your medicine, sweetie?

Protagonista: (Runs away crying)

Scene III: At the Holding Cell for Stupid Teenagers

Protagonista: (Looks at her friends who aren't zombified. Is wrought with guilt.)

Bee Eff Eff: Oh, Protagonista! Have you seen Hot n Sexy? Is he okay? He must be okay!

Protagonista: I know, right? Life would be so unfair otherwise. I. . . uhh, I haven't seen him. He must. . . still be out in the zombie infested territory.

Bee Eff Eff: You have to go and find him! He's my brother, and I love him, and before I get deported to Gary, I need to know if he's alright!

Protagonista: So, you're willing to sentence me to nearly certain death, just in case he's hanging around outside of the protected zone and ISN'T a zombie?

Bee Eff Eff: Yes.

Protagonista: I'm on it.

Scene IV: Out in the dangerous territories. A rundown old hut.

Protag: Hotsex!

H/S: Protag!

Protag: Are you okay? Did you get bitten?

H/S: Doi! See this wound on my arm that looks like teeth marks? Yes, I got bitten. And I could change at any time. That's why I'm out here beyond the safety of the village.

Protag: But I cannot leave you! Can we have some steamy, passionate sex before you turn?

(Just kidding. That didn't happen. . . as Carrie Ryan understands, teenagers consider kissing on the lips to be the extent of sexual recreation.)

H/S: Will you hold my hand, Protagonista?

Protag: (Getting hot and bothered) Sure!



At this point, we skip ahead to the beginning of Act 2 where the real conflict begins: which of multiple hot boys Protagonista will choose to hold hands with.

ACT 2
Scene 1: Outside the safety of the village after having rescued BFF

Protag: Hi, Hot n Sexy! I'm so glad you're immune to zombie attacks, because otherwise, you'd be trying to eat my brains!

H/S: I know, right? I'm pretty glad about that, too!

(Protag leans in to kiss him. H/S moves away, looking emotionally torn apart inside)

H/S: Alas, we cannot. I may infect you with the zombie disease that's still in my blood. . . and anyway, I'm not like you anymore, Protag. I'm all alone in a hard and unforgiving world.

Protag: Can we hold hands?

H/S: No. That's how STDs happen. (Runs off into the woods in a state of emotional turmoil.)

(Bald and Sexy enters the scene.)

B/S: is everything alright, Protagonista? You look distraught. (His pectorals start flexing and unflexing as animal magnetism radiates from his being. The sheen on his bald head is quite arousing.)

Protag: ASIDE: I can't decide whether I want to go with the boy I loved through most of my life who is now part-zombie, or if I want to go with the sexy boy who has rescued me from zombie attacks on multiple occasions, and who doesn't run away from me. Although he is involved in some strange zombie-related cult. Or, perhaps I'm most interested in the forbidden love I could share with my BFF. . . she's looking quite comely as well.

(Just kidding. This world is purely hetero. These kids don't even experiment.)


To be continued. . .