Demo's Reviews > Hades

Hades by Alexandra Adornetto
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[Applause]

Circus Princess: Hello there, and welcome to another episode of What the Hell Were You Thinking?! Tonight's guests are a few of the people from the best selling Halo series. They're second installment, Hades, just recently came out. Come on out, Xavier Woods! Bethany Church! And Jake Thorn!

Xavier/Bethany/Jake: [sit down in the three chairs and wave awkwardly at the audience]

Circus Princess: What a pleasure it is to have you on the show this evening. Would you like some tea, Mr. Thorn?

Bethany: I'll have som--!

Circus Princess: I WASN'T ASKING YOU. Tea, Mr. Thorn?

Jake: Erm, no thanks.

Circus Princess: Well fuck. [throws tea kettle off the stage, where it shatters somewhere in the audience] Now then, so tell me, what inspired the plot of Hades?

Bethany: Jake wanted to get revenge so he tricked me into going to Hell with him so he could knock me up!

Xavier: Bethany! What kind of language is that for an angel?

Bethany: I'm so sorry, Huggiebear!

Circus Princess and Jake: [snicker]

Circus Princess: Jake, throughout the story, the names "Hades" and "Hell" are used interchangeably... Did it ever occur to you that Hades and Hell are not the same place?

Jake: [blinks] They're not?

Circus Princess: No, they're not.

Jake: [keeping his smart-ass facade] Well when people think of "Hell," they think of burning and fire and some red guy with horns and a pitch fork. When people think of "Hades," they think of....

Circus Princess: Burning and fire and some dude with a love slave. Courtesy of the Percy Jackson movie.

Bethany: I heard about that!

Circus Princess: Would you like a gold star?

Bethany: That sounds cool...

Circus Princess: [facepalm] Um, sure Okay. Next question. Xavier and Bethany, what was it like to be separated for two thirds of the book?

Xavier: I thought my heart my cave in on itself. I was so hollow and broken. All I wanted was to have Beth back, but that bastard over there ruined it.

Bethany: [laying head on Xavier's shoulder and taking his hand] I couldn't bear it. My soul, my entire being was ripped to shreds without him. I didn't think I had the strength to get up, to fight with Jake and accept Asia's dirty glares. It felt like half of me was missing, and I lost the will to live.

Xavier: [puts arms around Bethany] There there.

Circus Princess: [gag]

Jake: [mock offense] "Lost the will to live?" My ego is deeply wounded. See if I ever give you the royal treatment again. Next time I'm just throwing you in the dungeon. Feed you rats.

Xavier: Aren't you supposed to be dead?

Bethany: Yeah.

Circus Princess: You see, my show is so epic, that it generated the power to stop time and break the boundaries between fiction and nonfiction and between life and death. See, over there is Romeo and Juliet.

Romeo and Juliet: [wave]

Jake: [sticks tongue out]

Circus Princess: Back to the Hades discussion. Bethany, why did you get on the motorbike?

Bethany: Because I thought Xavier was hurt.

Circus Princess: You really thought the little boy scout would ever do anything irresponsible? And why didn't you jump off the bike?

Bethany: I would have died!

Circus Princess: No you wouldn't have. You're an angel.

Bethany: [pouting childishly] Okay fine, so I wouldn't have died. But I would've gotten a boo-boo, and those hurt.

Circus Princess: [lots of fake sympathy] Do they hurt more than the everlasting pain of nostalgia you felt when you thought you lost Xavier?

Bethany: What's nostalgia?

Jake: [who had been trying not to laugh for the past 30 seconds] [busts out laughing]

Xavier: Nostalgia is when you miss someone.

Bethany: Ooooh.

Circus Princess: You know, you two remind me more of a three year old and her dad then a couple. Xavier, do you even realize how much you baby her?

Xavier: [puffing out his chest to make him look strong] I promised God that I would protect Bethany and keep her out of harm's way. I can't risk being away from her for even a second, or she could die!

Circus Princess: I told you, she can't die!

Bethany: [snuggling closer to Xavier] My hero.

Circus Princess and Jake: [snicker]

Demolition Okay, whatever. Anyway, I'm fascinated with your perception of Hell, Jake. Tell me, how does "the place of eternal suffering for sinners" translate into dance clubs in the ghetto and 5 star hotels?

Jake: I don't know. Big Daddy gives us free reign, and I like dance clubs.

Circus Princess : Ah, yes, about that, whose idea was it to call Lucifer "Big Daddy"?

Bethany: Yeah! What a stupid name!

Circus Princess: You shut up. Jake?

Jake: That's what Big Daddy told us to call him.

Circus Princess: [muttering] What religion class did this author go to? [bright cheery smile] Of course! Is Asia ever a bother?

Jake: [groans] She is the whiniest bitch ever. But so hot.

Circus Princess: [slowly turns towards Xavier with a WTH expression] Was Molly a bother?

Xavier: [groans] Yes. She wouldn't stop complaining and getting mad. And I bet she whines more than whoever this "Asia" is.

Circus Princess: You know, I'd be pissed, too, if someone knew that my best friend was dragged to Hell and then wouldn't tell me.

Xavier: Yeah, I guess. But seriously, she was annoying.

Circus Princess: [wondering how he has the nerve to say that after confessing his love to the most annoying girl in the world] Mhm. And while I'm talking to you, Xavier, I have another question. Why the hell did you think it was okay to get in an argument with Gabriel and Micheal?

Xavier: They wouldn't let me kill Jake to protect Bethany!

Circus Princess: BECAUSE YOU'RE IRRATIONAL! Besides, some people spend their entire lives worshiping these angels that they never even get to see. And you meet them, and you fucking diss them?

Bethany: Demo, I don't like your language.

Circus Princess: SCREW YOU. Xavier, you don't yell at arch angels. You just don't. They could damn you just like that [snap] you know.

Jake: [smiling brightly] We'd send him directly to the torture chambers so he won't annoy anyone at the clubs.

Bethany: [burying her face in Xavier's arm like a little girl] No! My snookums!

Jake and Circus Princess: "Snookums?!" [fall out of chairs laughing]

Bethany: That's very rude.

Circus Princess and Jake: [laugh even harder]

Circus Princess: [giggle] We'll be back [giggle laugh cough] after commercial! [dies with laughter.



5 minute break:

Okay, so upon reading Hades, I wanted to bash my face in. Big Daddy? Hades? Bethany's irritating nostalgia? What the hell? (literally) I couldn't stand it. And there were tons of grammar mistakes. Lack of commas, lack of correct punctuation, lack of proper plural and singular verbs... It was maddening. Where is this editor? How did this get published with so many errors in it?

I DON'T KNOW! I was lost in this land of love and purity and stupid conformist ways! I was taken away from my home planet and stuck----wherever!



After 250 pages, I thought my brain might rot. So I had to stop reading. Please understand, It was for health reasons. So instead I went through the rest of the book and jotted down the plot outline and major events so that I could film this show. I did do my research.

Unfortunately.





Circus Princess: [face still slightly red from laughing but sitting upright in a chair now] And we're back with What the Hell Were You Thinking? Hades edition! Sitting with me are Bethany Church, Jake Thorn, and Xavier Woods, to discuss their latest installment in the Halo series.

Bethany: Hai!!!!!

Circus Princess: Bethany, I'm curious. Why did you trust a demon?

Bethany: I did it for Xavier!

Circus Princess: And did you expect Jake to carry out his side of the bargain?

Bethany: Well, yeah.

Circus Princess: You should have made him pinky promise. That stuff's legit.

Bethany: What is "legit?"

Circus Princess: [ignores Bethany] So Xavier.

Xavier: [looks up] Huh?

Circus Princess: What do you see in Bethany?

Xavier: She's so sweet and nice and amazing. She's my salvation.

Circus Princess: [wondering how that counts as a reason] Uhuh. [thinking of a conversation starter] Um. So. Jake, I hear you can do a British accent?

Jake: [Australian accent] G'day, mate.

Circus Princess: That's Australian but close enough! That's like John Brown! John Brown is awesome! You know, that fake accent was the only reason I liked you. Otherwise, you're a total asshole with no redeeming qualities! But you do an awesome Australian accent!

*Circus Princess is easily fascinated with accents. All accents.


Jake: Uh... Thanks?

Circus Princess: [happy sigh] So, Bethany, do you think you promote the Lois Lane heroines of today's modern literature or do you believe yourself to be a strong girl character?

Bethany: I'm definitely a strong girl character. I stood up to Jake and spoke my mind!

Jake: [eye roll] Yup. I got told.

Circus Princess: Really, Beth? You didn't try to slap him or kick his face in or anything.

Bethany: [looking appalled] That would be sacrilegious! As an angel, my first duty is to be kind and forgiving to all, and to never react in such violent ways!

Xavier: That's my Bethy.

Circus Princess: [incredulous] Wait---Wh---You're encouraging this? So what do you expect her to do if she gets mugged, or kidnapped, or worse? Tell them that what they did was mean and say sorry? Angels can't survive on earth unless they're really kickass awesome angels like Labrador!

Bethany: Who?

Circus Princess: This really awesome bishop from 07 Ghost that talks to flowers and stuff. But that's besides the point! You need to be more assertive!

Bethany: What does assertive mean?

Circus Princess: OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

Bethany: But God already loves you. He is the creator of life and death and lov---

Circus Princess: I am so done with you idiots. [gets up and walks to the other side of the stage where the control panel is] Goodbye, and thanks for coming! [presses trap door button]

Xavier, Bethany, and Jake: Ah! [fall into the trap door]

Xavier: I'll protect you Bethany!

Jake: Shut up already!

Circus Princess: I'm sorry, folks, but we have to cut it short. To avoid any physical injuries, such as a black eye or broken shin, I had to send them away. I'll see you here next time when we have the cast of Fallen: Luce, Gabby, and Daniel! (as well as surprise visits from Molly and Cam.) Goodnight to you all! [muttering] Where the fuck is the aspirin?

[applause]
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Reading Progress

11/28 page 1
0.0% "I hate this book already, just letting you know. Not because of the ratings or the quality of the first book, but because Lucifer (or Satan---Whatever) is refered to as "Big Daddy." That name crushes any respect I may have had for this book. I'm just... That's not right."
11/29 page 19
4.0% "So, she knows who Edward Scissorhands, Raggedy Anne, Alice in Wonderland, and even HANNIBAL LECTER for crying out loud, but yet she doesn't know what a wolf pack is? Where did Adornetto get this logic?"
11/29 page 25
6.0% "I absolutely loathe this portrayal of women. So either, you're a mindless groupie being lead by other mindless groupies, or your goth. Disgusting." 6 comments
11/30 page 68
16.0% "Didn't Bethany just say she couldn't die, like, four pages ago? JUMP OFF THE STUPID MOTORCYCLE!" 2 comments
12/06 page 69
16.0% "Jeez, Bethany. Get a grip. Maybe if you stopped acting like two year old that just lost it's lolly pop, Jake'll stop treating you condescendingly. Whatever happened to dignity?"
12/07 page 67
16.0% "She tells the scary-looking man she has a bad feeling about to come in, without even letting her parents know first. That's just awesome, Lulu. Awesome."
12/07 page 79
19.0% "The name of the hotel is "Ambrosia." I have to comments on this: 1. The first thing this makes me think of is the club in that Den Of Shadows book (Demon in my View, I think it was) which was also called Ambrosia. and 2. Ambrosia is the name of the food of the gods on Mt. Olympus. Yet another Christianity/Greek Mythology flip-flop, Adornetto. WHICH ONE IS IT?"
12/07 page 94
22.0% "Somehow, I don't think Hell would be full of night clubs and 5 star hotels. Hell is supposed to be a place of eternal torture for those who've committed unrepentant mortal sins. Not the music video set for Katy Perry's 'Last Friday Night [Goth Edition]'." 1 comment
12/08 page 100
24.0% "This is disgusting. "Big Daddy"? "Papa Luce"?! Blasphemy! If I ever write a novel, I'm going to make sure to have a character who is the incarnation of evil in it. Then I shall name that character something really awesome. Like Yasha. Not "BIG DADDY!""
12/09 page 139
33.0% "I could've sworn this book was due back to the library today. Dammit. Now I have no excuse not to read it."
12/09 page 139
33.0% "Where in the Bible does it say anything about 8 angels falling with Lucifer from heaven? Not that I even know how to use a Bible have ever read the Bible, but Google's saying it was "a third of the angels." Not specifically eight. Also, that means there were only 24 angels in heaven, which I highly doubt for some reason." 7 comments
12/09 page 140
33.0% "I want to give up on this book so freaking badly, but I'm afraid I may miss something that would be beneficial for my coming rant."
12/10 page 185
44.0% "Why are all of the angels in this book so freaking mean? Hello! Aren't angels supposed to love humans? When I think of angels, I think of this guy: When I think of Halo angels, I think of this guy: "
12/12 page 187
44.0% "Why is everyone so mad at Molly for being upset? I'd be pissed too if my best friend was missing and no one would tell me why! How is that irrational behavior?"
12/12 page 191
45.0% "Guess what. Today, I was talking to a Lutheran Pastor. So I figured, while I was with someone who has studied the scriptures, may as well ask a question. So, I did. And I can now confirm, NOWHERE IN THE BIBLE DOES IT MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT EIGHT ANGELS FALLING FROM HEAVEN!!! Just wanted to make that clear."
12/12 page 193
46.0% "Whoa, whoa whoa---JAKE HAS A BRITITSH ACCENT?!! WHAT? WHY WAS THIS VITAL PIECE OF INFORMATION LEFT OUT?! I like him a lot more now. Just because he has an accent."
12/12 page 221
52.0% "Xavier and Gabriel just had a fight. I have a few problems with this: 1. Xavier, you're an idiot. You have no point to prove. 2. Gabriel is one of the highest ranked angels there is. Show some respect, will ya? 3. Xavier's lack of respect for authority deeply disturbs me."
12/12 page 240
57.0% "So, this is the legendary Asia. I was expecting her to be much more impressive and not so...whiny."
12/13 page 241
57.0% ""Big Daddy".......... *cries for humanity*" 4 comments
12/13 page 244
58.0% "Will anyone try to kill me if I just stop here? Seriously, I don't think I can take anymore with out my brain melting." 9 comments
04/03 marked as: read

Comments (showing 1-50 of 57) (57 new)


Judith (Judith'sChoiceReads) lol, I can't take this character seriously, period. No one tricks someone into riding a motorcycle, you kinda have to get your but on there yourself XD


message 2: by Demo (new) - rated it 1 star

Demo Exactly. Plus, even if you're already on (stupid Bethany) you still have the option of jumping off. I mean, it's not gonna kill her.

If i didn't hate Bethany before, I definitely hate her now.


message 3: by Taneika (last edited Dec 14, 2011 12:50AM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Taneika hahahahahha! I was so looking forward to your review and you did not disappoint! I loved the "Legit?" part hahahaha


message 4: by Demo (new) - rated it 1 star

Demo Aw thank you so much :) *bow*


Taneika Seriously, it was amazing :) I wish Bethany and Xavier stayed in "Hades"


message 6: by Demo (new) - rated it 1 star

Demo That's alright, I have no ideas whatsoever about what format I should do for the Wings rant coming up. I have a brilliant idea about what format I should do for the Wings rant coming up, too!


Taneika Hahahaha! I don't doubt for a second that you'll come up with brilliance! My rant for both this and Halo were just that, a rant!


message 8: by Lissa (new)

Lissa Wow, you should totally host more chat shows! They are really awesome!


message 9: by P. (new)

P. This is how I imagined Jake.




message 10: by Demo (new) - rated it 1 star

Demo Palice wrote: "This is how I imagined Jake.

"


LOL! Pretty ironic since apparently Jake can do a convincing English accent.


message 11: by P. (new)

P. Lol, as soon as you said English accent - he popped into my head. Isn't Jake the one with 'cat green eyes'?


message 12: by Demo (new) - rated it 1 star

Demo According to Bethany, his eyes are both green cat eyes and black glinting shark eyes. She can't seem to make up her mind.


Taneika I did notice that actually! When I read 'glinting shark eyes', I got confused and pictured him with an actual shark's eyes... :S


message 14: by P. (new)

P. Hahaaa! Hey, little Britain's got both those animals colors in his eyes.


message 15: by Nicki (new) - added it

Nicki Actually, Hades is an actual place to Christians. I'd just like to point that out, and tell you that I LOVE your review! :)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hades_in...


message 16: by rameau (new)

rameau Horrible books are only good for hilarious reviews.


message 17: by Demo (new) - rated it 1 star

Demo Nicki wrote: "Actually, Hades is an actual place to Christians. I'd just like to point that out, and tell you that I LOVE your review! :)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hades_in..."


It is, but not the same place.


message 18: by [deleted user] (new)

LOL this had my dying, it's so funny.


message 19: by Skittles (new) - added it

Skittles This was brilliant! Who will be the next guest on your talk show?


message 20: by [deleted user] (new)

Can I get What The Hell Were You Thinking? on DVD...please?


message 21: by Demo (new) - rated it 1 star

Demo Thank you everyone! As much as I'd love to film an actual What the Hell Were You Thinking?!, I don't think it's likely. :( However, I know for certain I definitely will be doing this show again sometime. I love writing scripts (natural actress with a dramatic personality) and making fun of things, so this was fun to write. It almost makes reading these horrid books worth it.


message 22: by [deleted user] (new)

If you do decide to film it, I will gladly be in the audience!


Victoria This is one of the best hilarious comedies ever! :) I love your review! I can't wait for more What the Hell Were You Thinking?!


message 24: by Demo (new) - rated it 1 star

Demo Neither can I, Victoria. Neither can I. I did it for Fallen, too, but otherwise I haven't done anymore. Not yet anyway.


Victoria You also did it for Tiger's Curse too. I laugh my butt of after reading your What The Hell Were You Thinking?! episodes. I should always read them when I have a bad day.

You choose the best lines for the show and it really show you how bad and stupid the characters are. You seriously need to be a comedian. Just saying. :)


message 26: by Demo (new) - rated it 1 star

Demo For Tiger's Curse and Evermore, they were really just plays. But thanks anyway ^-^


message 27: by Katherine (new)

Katherine best summary ever.


Rachel love the review and i totally agree! aren't angels suppose to be kind and loving???? Alex's portrayal of angel Gabriel and Michael as cold and emotionless really broke my heart.


Maria Some people spend their "lives" worshipping people like J----- B[however many dahses, IDK/C how to spell his last name], doesn't mean you don't argue with them. Aside from that, LOL! I loved the review ^^


message 30: by Cait (new) - rated it 1 star

Cait Hahahahah nice one, Demolition Lover, or I guess La Demonic Circus, now! Awesome new name, hon!


message 31: by Demo (new) - rated it 1 star

Demo Cait wrote: "Hahahahah nice one, Demolition Lover, or I guess La Demonic Circus, now! Awesome new name, hon!"

Why thank you ^‿^ Everyone just calls me Demo or Princess. Whatever you prefer, I don't mind.


message 32: by Cait (new) - rated it 1 star

Cait La Demonic Circus Princess wrote: "Cait wrote: "Hahahahah nice one, Demolition Lover, or I guess La Demonic Circus, now! Awesome new name, hon!"

Why thank you ^‿^ Everyone just calls me Demo or Princess. Whatever you prefer, I don'..."


Well, good, I'll just call you Demo, now. That works for me :) And you're welcome! It was an awesome review; got me laughing quite a few times! Are you going to do the same thing with Heaven when it comes out? I sure hope so!


message 33: by Demo (new) - rated it 1 star

Demo Whoop! I dunno. It depends if I actually read it or not. On the once hand, I'm all for literary masochism. Self-torment through shitty YA books is awesome. On the other hand... I'm not sure I'll be able to stop myself from lighting it on fire a few pages in. I'll have to ask mi madre to hide the matches before I read it.


message 34: by Maggie (new)

Maggie oHHHHHH HALARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE DO MORE OF THESE!:)))))


message 35: by Demo (new) - rated it 1 star

Demo Thank you ^_^


message 36: by Despair (new)

Despair Speaking ...

I just might read this to get a laugh out of it...


message 37: by Despair (new)

Despair Speaking Alexis wrote: "Despair wrote: "...

I just might read this to get a laugh out of it..."

Agh. Only Circus Princess could make me laugh about that book."


True... it might not be as hilarious if I read it myself.


message 38: by [deleted user] (new)

This is seriously the best thing I've read all day. May I just say, CLAP CLAP CLAP?
Oh, and I'm a Christian and half of Halo wanted me to throw up because of all the Bible inaccuracies.


message 39: by Koliie (new)

Koliie This is probably one of the best reviews I've read so far. Hats off to you. Coudn't help pmsl!!


message 40: by Demo (new) - rated it 1 star

Demo Thank you, my lovely compadres! 'Tis my pleasure. X‿♥


message 41: by Loveliest (new)

Loveliest Evaris Awesome. I love talk-show like reviews :D


message 42: by bluspirit92 (new)

bluspirit92 Will you write more of these? they're hilarious!


message 43: by Demo (new) - rated it 1 star

Demo bluspirit92 wrote: "Will you write more of these? they're hilarious!"

I'm currently writing one for Fifty Shades of Grey, which I should be finished... sometime within the next decade.


message 44: by Trena (new)

Trena This was hilarious. Can't wait for your 50 shades review.


message 45: by Demo (new) - rated it 1 star

Demo Thanks ^_^


Bipasha{is eviscerated by fiction} applause. AWESOMENESS JUST REACHED ITS LIMIT.


Sophia I freaking applaud you, this review has made my day


Paige Turner You need to make this a legit show. I would fall on my ass laughing. Such a great post!


message 49: by Inès (new)

Inès OMG that was hilarious (and I did't even read the book)


message 50: by Eloise (new)

Eloise This is the most beautiful review I have ever seen. You're now my new best friend. Welcome aboard.


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