Hilaire's Reviews > Twilight

Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
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Dec 03, 13

Recommended to Hilaire by: the Net
Recommended for: no one, not even my most hated enemy!
Read in May, 2008

my original critique: http://icantthinkofanythingrightnow.b...

Twilight is stupid and lame-o

I think everyone knows that the characters are essentially the ones who make up the book. It’s through them that the plot is developed, the conflicts are carried, the climax is revealed, stuff like that. And when you’re writing in a first person POV, you have to make that “first person” interesting and observant. Bella, our first person, is about as interesting as a rock.

Isabella is nothing more than a Mary Sue. It doesn’t even take a genius to figure out that ‘Bella’ is Italian for ‘beautiful’. And her last name is ‘Swan’, which as a device in literature, symbolizes grace and beauty. Bella Swan? Beautiful Swan? Not very clever.

Here’s the contradiction: She’s ordinary. At least that’s what she keeps on insisting throughout the book. Practically everyone in her new school asks her to the dance, or to the prom. And she gets the guy who apparently “doesn’t date” because “none of the girls… are good-looking enough for him.” Her appearance is somewhat similar to the author’s, as well as her story of moving to a new place. If it helps, she’s a klutz – a last ditching effort to not make her a complete Mary Sue.

Most readers who like Twilight relate to Bella. Well I don’t. I can’t possibly relate with a young woman with no plans, no goals, no solid interests, no personality, no deep observations of life, no nothing - but is just “unconditionally and irrevocably in love with” her boyfriend. I really can’t. There’s something so shallow and pathetic about it; the way she’s willing to throw away her friends and family for a guy she has been acquainted with for just… two weeks? Besides, she is extremely boring, the sort which makes you fall asleep while she talks. And if she’s not obsessing over Edward, she does, well, nothing but whines, or tells him and his family that she doesn’t want to be rescued.

I would have liked it if Meyer had given her a little backbone and some brain cells, so she can get out of the stupid situations she puts her stupid self in. I don’t buy her “I grew up in Phoenix” statement. Nobody who grew up in Phoenix would be an idiot enough to wander around empty streets of an unfamiliar city alone. Then again, her idiocy is necessary to give way to her savior, Edward Cullen.

Edward is a vampire – oops! – a perfect vampire. He’s the most beautiful thing which ever existed… Have I mentioned that he’s perfect? And that he has topaz eyes?

He’s also bipolar. He’s serious one time, and then laughs exuberantly another. Insane mood swings, I tell you. He’s supposed to be your perfect male protagonist – hawt!!! (not hot; it should be hawt and must always be followed by three exclamation points), dangerous, smart, mysterious, perfect, and, uhm, sparkly (although the last adjective is not really required; it’s just a bonus if you’re lucky enough). He has this stalker-ish behavior, which is sick: He sneaks into Bella’s room and watches her sleep before they even get to talk. Some think that it’s romantic, but it’s just creepy. I don’t understand what’s so romantic about it.

Edward is 100-something years old and lives with his vampire family. Apparently he and his family don’t drink human blood, because they don’t want to be completely evil. They’re vegetarians: They only drink blood of animals. They are basically good vampires - who play baseball in the woods. (Ha! Who told you it’s boring to be a vampire? You’re allowed to play baseball!) And every myth about vampire is WRONG! Stakes, garlic, sleeping in coffin (although the idea of not sleeping ever was okay) – even sunlight!

But you know, age and race don’t matter in this book, because Edward and Bella actually fall in love! As for the reason… what is the reason again? Oh, because Bella smells good and Edward is hawt!!!. They’re made for each other! It’s destiny!

Seriously: The romance between them is forced and trite. And it’s even more boring than they both are, because they have no personality whatsoever. Geez, what am I saying? There’s no romance at all. There is no development of feelings. Just… BAM! They’re in love! They don’t even do anything but talk about how in love they are. From there, everything becomes sheer selfishness, and for the nth time, stupidity. Bella’s life revolves around her boyfriend, and nothing more. Not only is it absurd; it also gives horrible messages, namely:

1. It’s okay to fall in love in a matter of days and then risk your life for it.
2. You don’t have to have dreams or goals or anything like that; just get a girl/boyfriend. It’s far more important!
3. It’s perfectly fine to lie to your parents especially when it concerns your girl/boyfriend.
4. Ditch your friends. Girl/Boyfriend first, I tell you! Girl/Boyfriend first!

Considering the fact that Edward is so much older than Bella, shouldn’t he be more rational? Shouldn’t he be the mature one? Knowing he can kill Bella, he should have just left her alone. And how come Edward just blabbers everything to Bella? You know, the vampire stuff? For someone who has been in this world for more than a hundred years, he sure displays the maturity of a fetus.

And he’s supposed to be dangerous. That could have worked, if only Bella had the wits to be actually scared. It’s funny; that girl’s so brainless you can’t possibly scare her! As for Edward, it would have been better if he had shown how dangerous he could be. Then again, he is a good vampire, and he doesn’t want to become a monster. So he can only talk about it when it would be cooler for him to show it.

Oh, how could I forget! Edward SPARKLES UNDER THE SUN! Did you know that? Isn’t that cool? The coolest thing ever?! It’s like the very magnificent thing next to Edward! Sparkly sparkles! He sparkles, man, he sparkles “like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface” of his skin! Sparkling! Glittering! Glistening! Scintillating! Oh! my! gosh! Meyer is so original! Who else could have thought that?!

The plot is absolutely zero (the romance between Bella and Edward is not a plot). It’s basically just “He’s a vampire, she’s not. They fall in love. End of story.” And there were a lot of loopholes:

1. Why would the Cullens want to study in high school?! This is my number one question. Hello? Are they nuts? Can someone answer this for me?
2. Why would they want to blend in with the rest of humanity?
3. Why would they put themselves near humans when they know it’s hard to resist biting them?
4. Why would one bad vampire like to bite Bella specifically?

I’d like to answer and expand on loophole 4, because it’s absolutely preposterous. I didn’t even care about that James-vampire when he appeared, because his arrival was so cliched and so late. It’s like Meyer suddenly remembered that there should be something climax-y in Twilight, just to give it a semblance of a plot. This James ought to do the trick. He should be the one to threaten Bella’s life and then she makes an insanely silly mistake and she almost gets killed BUT Edward rescues her!

Meyer’s writing style isn’t something to commend on either; she writes like a twelve-year old. She makes Dan Brown look like a Pulitzer Prize winner. Her words are stilted. The narration is unexciting, dragging, and redundant. Bella keeps telling the readers how much she hates the rain in the first 100 pages of the book, and how she can’t dance If not that, she repetitively says how perfect and beautiful Edward is. What’s ironic is that despite all the perfect descriptions of him, I never quite pictured him in my mind. I’m still wondering how the rest of humanity can drool and squeal at the thought of him.

Bella glares all the time, too. Bella also grimaces a lot, and hisses, and stumbles. Glares, grimaces, hisses, stumbles. Four redundant freakin’ verbs in a 500-page book. That’s not so much, unless you can count only to three.

Meanwhile, Edward always smiles his crooked smile, and he dazzles people (especially Bella).

Nobody ‘said’ anything. Characters only ‘gasped’, ‘chuckled’, ‘questioned’, and ‘answered’.

Meyer also occasionally uses ridiculously long AND obscure words, which don’t quite fit since the rest of her words are plain and simple. I remember one: Ostentatious. She could have simply used ‘showy’ or ‘flamboyant’, but it just had to be ostentatious. Why she used that, I’ve no idea. (In the next books, Meyer uses bigger words. I wonder how big they are…)

And you know, Meyer ends Twilight with Bella attending the PROM. That’s how a vampire story should end: The heroine should attend the prom with her vampire boyfriend. In that ruffled gown and stiletto heels… It just makes sense (although it did take Bella about ten years to figure out Edward is taking her to the prom. What an idiot). Meyer skipped the almost action-y part (Emmett and Jasper’s dealing with James) but she elaborates on the prom.

Now that I’ve finished reading and dissecting Twilight, I still don’t understand all the hype it’s getting. It reads like a bad fan fic. I won't stop you from reading it, though. That's a choice for you to make.
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Comments (showing 1-50 of 60) (60 new)


message 1: by [deleted user] (new)

lol this note is better written than the book itself


Vivian I completely agree with you. lol!


message 3: by (G)Emma (last edited Feb 25, 2009 02:51AM) (new) - rated it 3 stars

(G)Emma It is better written than the book itself! I think you are completely right and the book was so boring, but it wasn't the gasped and answered I had issues with, it was the "marble" that drived me crazy. (And still does, she uses that a lot in New Moon)!


Gina okay so not everyone is going to like them and that's alright. But if you don't like the book say you don't like it in 3 sentences. No one needs a novel on how horrible you think the book is. most people are probably not as passionate about what they read as you are and there is nothing wrong with that. There are thousands of books out there meant for all types of people you just weren't meant to read twilight...obviously!! Maybe you should write your own book if you think you can write something better(and I mean that in a good way ;)


Hilaire

"...if you don't like the book say you don't like it in 3 sentences...." Let me firstly tell you, Gina,, that this statement of yours made me laugh so hard I almost fell off my seat. Don't get me wrong; I just found it funny. I just found you funny. Do you realize that the review part of Goodreads is actually for reviews of books? For criticism? For critique? For concrit - or whatever else you want to call evaluation? I didn't write a freakin' novel (I leave that to Meyer), I wrote my critique of Twilight. I don't see anything wrong with that. You ask me to put everything in three sentences? Well, let me tell you that I can put everything in one sentence: Twilight sucks big time. Is that fine with you? Honestly, that's not fine with me. That one freakin' sentence is called bitching, and not critiquing. I don't think Twilight is horrible; I know it, because I've read it and dissected it. I even elaborated on its weak points.

And another thing: It's not about me. It's about Meyer, and about Twilight. I already know what I can do.




(G)Emma Nice Hilaire! Honestly, if you don't like hearing it, don't hear it! I don't read reviews of people who hate The Gemma Doyle Trilogy because I know I will get pissed. That's my logic. And though you did say it in a nice way, your not going to change people's opinions. I'm much more involved with books I love than with books I hate. So please don't come up with the argument that I don't have a life okay? But thanks for saying it nicely.


The Library Lady ROTFL!

I hadn't thought of it as bad fan fiction, but you are SO right. Perhaps someone should direct Stephenie Meyer to the God Awful Fan Fiction website for some pointers.


Jennifer I completely agree with your review of this book!

Twilight was quite possibly the worst book I've ever read. Granted, I'm not part of the "target audience", but I can't imagine that my 15-year old self would have had anything nice to say about this book either.

To those of you who felt that Hilaire's review was "too long", perhaps you should think about the point of goodreads. It's a place to exchange ideas and discuss & critique books. There is nothing more frustrating that a review that says. "I loved this book" or "This book sucked." Well, WHY did you love/hate this book?

It was also stated that maybe "Twilight" wasn't meant for Hilaire. How on earth is she supposed to know that UNTIL SHE READS IT?

Hilaire - I'm curious; did you read any of the other books in the "Twilight" series? I couldn't bring myself to do it. If you did read them, did they get any better?


message 9: by (G)Emma (last edited Feb 25, 2009 02:51AM) (new) - rated it 3 stars

(G)Emma I did read them, and Eclipse was quite good. But New Moon just dragged on and on and on.....


Hilaire ^^ Thanks, Jennifer. Nah, I didn't read the other books. I don't think I can handle more of Meyer's... uh, talent. Haha. Maybe I would, one of these days. I myself am pretty curious if she ever improved.




(G)Emma She did...slightly.


Hilaire Oh, wow. She did? That's a surprise. XD


(G)Emma Key word being slightly, still though.


Hilaire Haha. Okay. Slightly.
^.^


Larisa The bad reviews of this book are more entertaining than the book was.


message 16: by Jiwon (new) - rated it 1 star

Jiwon Lee Haha loved your review.
There's a comic strip I found that basically summarizes the entire book:
http://shinga.deviantart.com/art/Head...
I keep remembering how Meyers kept trying to portray Bella as being 'smart'
Adding bits about her being in Honors Biology, studying Shakespeare...
That one scene where she and Edward were the only two students capable of identifying the different phases of mitosis in a white fish blastocyst annoyed the heck out of me (err..how many pages did Meyer drag on about that?)
Wtf...the majority of people in my tenth grade biology class had no problems with it after like one class learning mitosis
After continuously seeing image after image of the different phases, isn't it abnormal for a class of 11th grade students not to know the difference between, say, interphase and telophase?
And wth did her dad do to her that was so atrocious that she can't even refer to him as 'Dad'?
And all those petty details that contribute nothing to the plot...(e.g. Bella making a burrito for herself...was that an attempt to suggest independence and maturity? Haha I must admit the contradictions in this book are quite amusing)
I want to stab the die-hard Twilight fans who claim that the book deserves a Pulitzer
The day that happens, I will completely lose my faith in humanity


(G)Emma I love it!


Julia God, I loved your review. You said it so right. Made me laugh out loud a few times.
Particularly this bit: "the maturity of a fetus"



Tracy Whoa... Who's writing the novel: you or Stephenie Meyer?


message 20: by Kate (new) - rated it 1 star

Kate I loved this review...and the comic posted by Jiwon...I laughed my butt off.


Hilaire Tracy: It's definitely Stephenie Meyer. As much as I try to, I wouldn't be able to write something as horrible as Twilight. Not in a million years.

BTW: I'm updating my critique, everyone. Check out my blog for the edits. I can't post it here; Goodreads doesn't allow... more than 12000 characters, I think.

Thanks to Jiwon for the link. It was fun reading. :D




message 22: by Diana (new)

Diana I felt all alone in my dislike of the Twilight series. Women would give me the look of "what's wrong with you?" I agree with every thing you said about the book. I'm impressed that you even finished the book I couldn't get past the part where Bella finds out why Edward can't go out in the sun.


message 23: by Tulsi (last edited Nov 25, 2008 03:26PM) (new) - rated it 2 stars

Tulsi I was really tempted to put down this book half way, but perservered because the friend who lent it to me said it was amazing, and people kept going on about it, so I thought it had to get better eventually. Man, I was wrong, lol. I guess teenagers will like it, and if it makes them read, that's good. But your review is exactly how I felt about it. I thought we would have another Harry Potter, but this was beyond disappointing. Which is a shame, because some of the ideas are pretty cool. She just can't write or develope them it seems.


message 24: by Tori (last edited Dec 16, 2008 06:10PM) (new) - rated it 2 stars

Tori Rogers -bows down to the greatness-
You. Are. My. Hero.
I absolutely cannot agree more. Although I disagree with the whole all tennagers like this book. I'm 16 and I think it was badly written and there was just no real point other than they fell in love. And I also found it almost insulting because, like you say, it gives teen girls all the wrong ideas about life. I've seen it first hand due to the fact that I walk through the halls of a high school where every other person has one of the series' books in their hands. My life does not revolve around my boyfriend, as much as I love him, and I have plans to go to college and do something with my life besides frolic around madly in love. A classmate in my AP ENGLISH COMPOSITION class said, and I quote, "You have to read it. Twilight is life!" Yeah, if this is your idea of good reading and life, maybe you shouldn't be in a college level English class.




Susana I really enjoyed your review. I finished the book a bit ago and I feel like vomiting everytime I think of the prom chapter (not to mention the rest). I admit I did think the book had a lot of potential when I began reading it and up until page 200 or so I did keep on hoping, but it was further down the hill from then onwards.

Oh and English is not my 1st language so apologies for any mistakes. I chose to read the book in english but I cannot assess its writing quality like you all can. I can say I did not feel it was horrible but not one of the best I've read neither.


Candice I loved this review and could not agree more. I thought that this book was the worst book I have ever read. I actually disliked my friends for pressuring me into reading this book which was a complete waste of my time.


Sophie Some of these one-star reviews are better than the actual book, lmao. Yours included! :)


message 28: by Cas (new)

Cas Well - its not the greatest literature is it? Its not even the greatest story ever written. It isnt even well written to be honest. However - Meyer does throw in some interesting ideas:
Vampires living amongst humans
Living off animal blood not human
Another take on how they behave

Why not? Its food for thought. Can you do better? It is very easy to criticise - put your money where your mouth is and re-write a bit and see how well you do!

Bella. Hmm. I know a Bella or two. Strange geeky semi intelligent girls - and she wouldnt be the only 17 year old to not know what she wanted out of life or what she wanted to do with it. I didnt at 17.

Its an okay book, written for girls really. New Moon I agree is sooooooooo long winded I skim read it.

The 4th Book, Breaking Dawn was overly long and padded out - granted. But the last third is a great story - and the book I want to read is what happens after that last third of Breaking Dawn.
Then you would have a story.

Is Meyer the one to tell it? Probably not.
But as you are so gifted... what about you? :-)))


message 29: by Sandra Starlight (new)

Sandra Starlight "Nobody ‘said’ anything. Characters only ‘gasped’, ‘chuckled’, ‘questioned’, and ‘answered’."
Yesyesyesyes!! I thought I was the only person to notice that! :D


Rachel Ok Twilight is absoulotly brilliant. I wasn't happy that they cut bits out especilly where Edward gets her our of the blood lesson! I loved that bit! I honestly have to say that Twilight was a bit dissapointing but the book was briliant


Hilaire Wow I haven't been here for a bit.

Okay, I just have to say that I understand the people who still don't know what to do with their lives at age 17; I know a lot of people like that. However, I do know that none of them wanted to commit suicide after their boyfriends left them. :)


message 32: by Cas (new)

Cas Hi Hilaire.
I do know of someone who at 16 attempted suicide when their boyfriend left them. Luckily she was found.
She wasnt the first and she wont be the last young love to find no point in going on when the first love of her life leaves.
Sorry!


Hilaire BTW, you might want to check this one out. It's quite amusing.

Buffy vs. Edward: Twilight Remixed


Hilaire Oh, Cas, you're here.

See what silly little girls do even without Twilight? Can you imagine what will happen to the young girls who get their hands on Twilight and read that Bella tries to jump off some cliff to further her delusion? Hm. I don't really like what I'm imagining.


message 35: by Cas (new)

Cas Hi Hilaire - how you are you.
Love that posting. Very amusing!!
I'm thinking you have a very vivid imagination my friend!! :-))


Hilaire I'm good, thank you.

I do, kind of. That's why I never could have thought of something as lame - err, creative as sparkly vampires. Ah well.


message 37: by Cas (new)

Cas Lol!!

I'm guessing you arent female because me being female and all if some guy looked like he was encrusted with diamonds - well, just dont get in my way is all I can say!
You think thats a lame idea though - having skin that sparkles in sunlight? But, isnt it so that fiction is all about challenging the accepted mores in life?
How do we know that vampires LIKE being vampires? Why can it not be that they dont always like being what they are and want to be like the rest of humanity? And if it IS fiction, then why not fabulous looking vampires with amazing eyes and skin, and with the type of powers that we as humans would love to have but dont seem to possess - except in the very few - like me for instance ! :-)))
So, is it lame to just challenge - in fiction - that which has been accepted as far as vampires are concerned? Funnily enough we actually know a few people, none of them connected, that look like the Cullens do in the film. Now, is it lame to be thinking 'wow. She was odd. I wonder........' Just what if they did live amongst us - you with the over active imagination - and we didnt know it. Doesnt it just get you to thinking hmm?
But I will grant you that she wrote the book like a breathless inexperienced teenager and that if it werent for the film with the visual aspects to refer to, ergo the rather hot Mr Cullen in the form of one Mr Pattinson, then perhaps it might not have been quite so successful. And I must admit though it pains me to do so, that I have held back from reading The Host by Meyer because I am not sure I am ready for another dose of love sick breathless teenager.
THAT said. Twilight will remain one of my guilty pleasures whilst at the same time acknowledging its not exactly high brow literature!!!

Where do you hail from Hilaire. I like your style.
I'm in the UK. A rather wet and windy UK at the moment.


message 38: by xD (new)

xD Hyena hehe you are soooo correct. i was one of the ex fangirls but now i see the truth :D still, it makes a good comedy, (because its funny to see how people can suck so bad and still make it into the bestsellers :P)


Lindsey You. Are. Brilliant. :) I completely agree. This review couldn't be more true. You're hillarious.


Clairewashere24 u people have no taste. twilight rox. get a life losers.


message 41: by -_- (new) - rated it 1 star

-_- LOL I totaly agree. OK i admit I like it at first but once I'm finish i realised there is no plot and the whole story stinks.
You just explained everything I wanted to say. You ROCK!!!


Tutti Fruiti96 you better go to hell dude. twilight is better than ur stupid, idiot, horrbile face. it contains alot of beautiful ideas which is too big for your small brain. even if u have one, you loser!


Tutti Fruiti96 Clairewashere24 wrote: "u people have no taste. twilight rox. get a life losers. "

you are so right. if they have any taste they wouldn't have weitten this rubbish which looks alot like their faces. TWILIGHT RULES! way to go my friend!


Tutti Fruiti96 deleted user wrote: "lol this note is better written than the book itself"

GO TO HELL


message 45: by K.D. (new) - rated it 3 stars

K.D. Absolutely I agree, Hilaire!


Tutti Fruiti96 Diana wrote: "I felt all alone in my dislike of the Twilight series. Women would give me the look of "what's wrong with you?" I agree with every thing you said about the book. I'm impressed that you even finishe..."

really? what the hell is wrong with u ?
FREAKS


message 47: by -_- (new) - rated it 1 star

-_- LOL If the book was so good why do you even care of these bad comments?


Kitkat This review made me and my bro laugh our heads off! I can just read this and know the plot! I've only read the first book and felt my brain turning to mush. Bella definitely needs a back-bone and braincells... Do you know where they do surgeries for that?

Anyway, I agree with everything you said, I might as well go to my review and write, 'Go to HIlarie's review.'

And Tutti, you can tell me to go to heck, but it's not going to make me change my opinion. Telling people you disaree with to go to heck is low class anyway. I don't judge people who like Twilight, let alone tell them to go to heck.

By the way, it seems that the people who are insulting others because they don't like Twilight, don't have a large a volcaubulary. Honestly, can you come up with better words to support your side than just 'twilight rox' or "Twilight Rules"? And insulting others by saying 'twilight is better than ur stupid, idiot, horrbile face' or telling them they're 'freaks', just makes you look bad, it makes Twilight look worse.

And since I don't like Twilight, allow me to predict what you will tell me, "go to heck".

Okay then, I better start packing for a wasted trip because the devil will kick me out for being so wise and intelligent. I guess I'll be going to heaven.


message 49: by [deleted user] (new)

I think Twilight made a accomplishment :) they made it on the worst book list! :D I LOATH twilight with a passion :)


Blake Reichel bella is a little dull, but observant as a rock, come on you have to give her more cretite then that


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