So.. Memoirs of a Geisha. I'd been wanting to read that one for a very long time. I had heard so many good things about it. It's supposed to be awesome, and deep, and beautiful, right?
Wrong. It's not.

The writing was what bothered me the most. It's pretentious and superficial, and sloooooww and it goes on and on and on and on and on and still, very little happens. In some sort of weird combination, the writing is both superficial and cliché. It feels like Golden thought it would be a good idea to emphasize all the Japan-and-nature clichés to the point of ridiculousness : I still can't believe how many times he compares something to the nature. Ironically, it doesn't feel natural at all. It feels forced and weird and and it's very annoying, as it slows down the pacing (which is already very slow) and frequently interrupts the narrator's flow of thoughts.

Examples? Yes, yes. Because I was so sick and tired of reading for the 40th time how something is LIKE a bird or a snake or whatever, I made a list. Enjoy, people.

This is how Sayuri narrates the story. Please notice and enjoy how natural this way of thinking sounds :

"I felt as a dam must feel when it's holding back an entire river."

"I felt as sore as a rock must feel when the waterfall has pounded on it all day long."

"My poor scalp felt the way clay must feel after the potter has scored it with a sharp stick."

And it goes on :

"Like water bugs kicking along the surface."

"Like the crisp skin of a grilled fish."

"Like a scrap of paper in the wind."

"Like ruts in the bark of a tree."

And on :

"Like a pig trying to survive in a slaughterhouse."

"Like a stray cat on the street without a master to feed it."

"My mind on the eve of my debut was like a garden in which the flowers have only begun to poke their faces up through the soil."

"It was like when a caterpillar turns into a butterfly."

"Out of my element as a pigeon in a nest of falcons."

"Felt as a simple smelt must feel when a silver salmon glides by."

Still not enough? I was hoping you'd say that. Here you go!(view spoiler)[ :

"Like what a workman does to a field using a hoe felt the way clay must feel after the potter has scored it with a sharp stick."

"I felt as the waves of the ocean must feel when clouds have blocked the warmth of the sun."

"As if he were the wind that blew and I were just a cloud carried upon it."

"Like a tree and its roots, or like a shrine and the gate that stands before it."

"With as much difficulty as a hungry child turns away from a plate of food."

"I felt like a slab of tuna the grocer had just delivered."

"I was like a temple bell that resonates long after it has been struck."

"I tried to imagine I was simply a house standing in the rain with the water washing down the front of me."

"Like when a stone is dropped into a pond, the water continues quivering even after the stone has sunk to the bottom."

"Like the tree where the tiger might sharpen its claws."

"Like a fish belly-up on the stream."

"A tree may look as beautiful as ever; but when you notice the insects infesting it, and the tips of the branches that are brown from disease, even the trunk seems to lose some of its magnificence."

"As much a part of her as a song is part of a bird."

"Was as simple as a stone falling toward the ground."

"If you no longer have leaves, or bark, or roots, can you go on calling yourself a tree?"

"Felt toward him just as an ice pick feels toward a block of ice."

"The two of them weren't "spending time together" any more than a squirrel is spending time with the insects that live in the same tree."

"Like the fisherman who hour after hour scoops out fish with his net."

"Like a mouse expecting sympathy from the snake."

"Like rice pouring from a torn sack."

"Expanding just like a river whose waters have begun to swell."

"I was like a child tiptoeing along a precipice overlooking the sea. And yet somehow I hadn't imagined a great wave might come and strike me there, and wash everything away."

"Like a snake that had spotted a mouse."

"Your eyes hang all over him like fur on a dog."

"I began to feel like a tree whose roots had at last broken into the rich, wet soil deep beneath the surface."

"Just as naturally as the leaves fall from the trees."

"Just as a stone must fall toward the earth."

"It was all like a stream that falls over rocky cliffs before it can reach the ocean."

"No more permanent than a wave rising on the ocean."

"Just like watery ink on paper."

(hide spoiler)]

So yeah. Just because of that, it can't get more than 2 stars for me. It just can't. It's awful to read.

And the characters. *SIGH* What can I say about them? Hatsumomo was just a big cliché, and so was Pumpkin, and so was The Chairman.

They didn't feel real. None of them did. Sayuri on top. So I'm supposed to feel something for her, right? Relate to her somehow. That was impossible. I don't know why, but somehow I was able to relate to Chiyo - but not to Sayuri. Even though they're the same person, I couldn't bring myself to care for Sayuri. As soon as she "grows up" (even though she keeps telling her story with the skills of a freakin' 4 year old) so around the time when she becomes a geisha, that is, she becomes insufferable.

And she has this sort of weird fascination for adult men, first M. Tanaka and after The Chairman, and it's just so annoying. Why does she like them? Why?

And, yeah, she was also such a victim. She never made anything to change her condition, she was just this kind of submissive woman who, well, blinks and, I dunno, bows. I know it's the way she's supposed to behave, but still, it's infuriatingly boring to read about such a character. The only thing she ever does for herself is (view spoiler)[ sleeping with The Minister so she doesn't have to undergo Nabu-whathisname as a danna (hide spoiler)] but even that is done in the purpose of eventually being with The Chairman. And who was he, that Chairman? Who was that man we hear about, again and again and again? What's he like? Have they ever had a real conversation? I don't think so. She idealizes him, she never sees him as who he really is, she just keeps wetting holding that stupid handkerchief every night and that annoyed me. It felt childish and weird.

The only character I liked was Mameha, and she's the angel of the story, meaning that you're just supposed to like her because she's, well, perfect, kind, loyal and beautiful, the way Agnes is in David Copperfield or Melanie in Gone With The Wind.

The informations about Geishas were nice, I suppose, but I don't know how much of it is true. The war was awfully, awfully boring, and very badly executed.

I think you can see it was written by an American just by the way the United States are depicted. They atomically bombarded Japan and two of greatest its cities and yet, Sayuri doesn't even blink and say "The American troups were very kind to us and gave candy to the children." Er... Really?

The plot dragged on and on, and I had to struggle to finish the book. The ending felt rushed. I hate, hate it when authors do that. He wrote a whole book about someone's life, and the final chapter is soo rushed and it goes like "So that was forty years ago, now I'm seventy and I'm old and I'm gonna tell you what happened in my life between then and now in like, two sentences. So I married the guy I talked so much about, and then we went to live in the USA because that's like ZOMG the best country EVAR! And then he died, and.. Ah yes.. Did we have a kid? Oh, but wouldn't you like to know!.. Well you won't, cause I'm not telling you, neener- neener. Whatever I'm old, and I'm probably gonna die now LIKE A BIRD THAT FLIES AWAY", because what would be the final sentence without a nature-related comparaison, huh? Right. I swear, the book probably deserves an award, for like Worst Ending Chapter Ever or something. It made no sense, it gave no real closure.

Everything in this book was just so... flat. It tried to be epic and it tried to be a classic but it failed so badly. The characters weren't well fleshed-out, it was obvious that the Good people (Sayuri, Mahema) would triumph over the Bad (Hatsumomo), it was obvious that Sayuri would get her happy ending after all..

See, all throughout the book, I was completely disconnected, I didn't feel anything. I didn't smile, or laugh, I certainly didn't cry. I can't even say I'm angry or that I hate the book - because hatred requires that I care, and I don't. I'm just... indifferent. Bored. Unimpressed. And isn't it the worst state of mind you can possibly be in after you finish a book? Ultimately, it didn't leave a mark.

So the book as a whole was a major disappointment and I'm glad it's over. I just hope the movie might be better - I kept thinking it would be better to watch it, seeing how graphic the descriptions were (of the kimonos, for example). [Edit: So I saw the movie. Meeeh.]

But as a book, it was unconvincing and very flawed.