Dora Arod's Reviews > I Should Have Renamed This

I Should Have Renamed This by Jarod Kintz
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Nov 19, 11



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Quotes Dora Liked

Jarod Kintz
“To Do Today, 1/17/08
1. Sit and think
2. Reach enlightenment
3. Feed the cats”
Jarod Kintz, I Should Have Renamed This

Jarod Kintz
“If you only had 48 hours left to live, would you spend it like you normally spend your weekends? If not, why spend 2/7th of your life wasting your free time? After all, free time isn’t free. Free time is the most expensive time you have, because nobody pays for it but you. But that also makes it the most valuable time you have, as you alone stand to reap the profits from spending it wisely.”
Jarod Kintz, I Should Have Renamed This

Jarod Kintz
“Time is such a waste of time to think about, because the longer you ponder it, the more of it you lose. And before you know it, you don’t know it, because you are nothing but dusty worm food.”
Jarod Kintz, I Should Have Renamed This

Jarod Kintz
“I’m reminded of Orville Tethington, inventor of the world’s first steam-powered fog machine. He’s also the guy who, after the Germans invented the flame thrower in WWI, decided to counteract it with his own creation, the candle thrower. The candle thrower was only battle tested once, and after fifteen minutes the war zone was littered with lit candles. Upon returning home after the war, some of the soldiers suffered such extreme and bizarre cases of PTSD that anytime a civilian lit a match or used their lighter, the soldiers would hit the ground and start singing “Happy Birthday.”
Jarod Kintz, I Should Have Renamed This

Jarod Kintz
“Sometimes I get depressed about my age. In March I’ll be 26. If man weren’t measured in numbers, but rather letters, I’d be turning Z. And then I’d be dead.”
Jarod Kintz, I Should Have Renamed This

Jarod Kintz
“Heard, Seen, and Dunn et al.”
Jarod Kintz, I Should Have Renamed This

Jarod Kintz
“The silence protrudes like an engorged stomach, while I ponder the thought of trying to sit on my own lap.”
Jarod Kintz, I Should Have Renamed This

Jarod Kintz
“Because even among contrarians, I’m a contrarian. But all of this is just words of bronze, third place rhetoric. What do I really mean when I say we want to shock society into awareness? Do we mean we want more originality and individuality? Less TV, more reading, writing, actual thinking? Less sheep, more shepherd pie? Yes, yes, and a little more pie, please. Oh, and some more sweet tea, too”
Jarod Kintz, I Should Have Renamed This

Jarod Kintz
“I have a friend who got into a car accident and now has a prosthetic metal leg, metal pins in his hips, and a metal plate in his head. One time I told him that he was like a human Swiss Army knife, to which he replied, “I’m Belgian.”
Jarod Kintz, I Should Have Renamed This

Jarod Kintz
“You’re probably wondering what sort of “secret society” I’m in. Well, I can’t tell you much, but I can tell you it’s not the Skull and Bones, the Masons, or the Cacophony Society. No, this secret society is so secret that I’m not even sure I’m a member. I can tell you the group I might belong to calls itself “The Whispers,” and takes its secrecy very seriously.”
Jarod Kintz, I Should Have Renamed This

Jarod Kintz
“What’s the difference between an omelet and an Omelet? One has cheese and vegetables, while the other just has Vegetables. I’m talking, of course, about my good friend Omelet Vegetables. He got his name because his mother was some sort of vegan hippy. But now that she doesn’t even eat eggs, and she really regrets naming him that. I met him while attending the University of Phoenix--the very same University of Phoenix campus that burned to the ground, and then rose up out of its own ashes. Fortunately, we didn’t have class that night. Omelet hates it when people greet him with, “What’s cooking?” And I completely understand.”
Jarod Kintz, I Should Have Renamed This

Jarod Kintz
“I had to quit my taxi cab driving job because I had no way to get to work. The problem was I kept calling myself to come pick me up.”
Jarod Kintz, I Should Have Renamed This

Jarod Kintz
“If I were a taxi cab driver, as lots of writers supposedly are, and my boss were to tell me that I couldn’t read on the job, I’d obediently go around running every STOP sign.”
Jarod Kintz, I Should Have Renamed This

Jarod Kintz
“Here’s a little jingle I wrote about mulch:

Mulch--sprinkle, sprinkle,
dance, dance, use it with
a friend, and use it
on your plants. (Not a paid advertisement by the mulching industry)”
Jarod Kintz, I Should Have Renamed This

Jarod Kintz
“I wouldn’t really know too much about pressure. I stay away from it like snow in the Sahara. That reminds me, isn’t it funny how an adage might get lost in cultural translation? For instance, take the saying, “Don’t eat yellow snow.” Well, try telling that to a Bedouin who’s never left the desert and has never seen pictures of other climates. You might have to rephrase it to, “Never eat yellow sand,” which is sort of silly.”
Jarod Kintz, I Should Have Renamed This

Jarod Kintz
“I wish there existed philosophical delivery stations, where a person could call up and order an answer to such questions as, “Does life have meaning, and what’s the meaning of meaning?” Then a delivery guy with a thick German mustache would show up at your door within thirty minutes with an answer. And you could order a large two-topping answer for only 9.99, plus tip.”
Jarod Kintz, I Should Have Renamed This


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