Whitaker's Reviews > The Divine Comedy

The Divine Comedy by Dante Alighieri
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Nov 10, 2011

bookshelves: celebrity-death-match

For CELEBRITY DEATH MATCH PURPOSES ONLY: The Complete Tales and Poems of Winnie-the-Pooh versus The Divine Comedy

*More doggerel than verse, but for what it's worth...

I. Inferno

Into a dark and gloomy wood
Strolled the little bear and his friends.
They found a cave and by it stood
And wondered if it did descend
To hell or rise to paradise.
Would this match see them sacrificed?

The circles had been so designed
To damn the souls who lived in sin.
And each were thus to zones consigned
To suffer punishment within,
Tailored to what best befitted
Their hearts black and very wicked.

Anna and Jake do tempests roil;
Imps lash Humbert eternally;
Macbeth's in bloody rivers boiled;
While Marlowe burns infernally.
And stuck in ice up to his face,
Is Winston lost to Heaven's grace.

Milady in a circle plods;
Her gashes heal then bleed again.
And for his worship of false gods,
Frederick's tomb is wreathed in flame.
As for Jason's life of ire,
Now he fights in endless mire.

II. Purgatory

Pooh and friends most quickly made
Their way through all nine pits of hell.
It was with happy hearts they bade
The fearful, frightful place farewell.
"To Purgatory we now must wend,
Where Christian souls do make amends."

A ship of souls just then appeared,
And off to Purgatory sailed they.
Pooh met Marcel who said he’d feared
For sodomy in hell he’d stay.
Pooh shook his little head and said,
"To Purgatory you go instead.”

Hamlet sighed in flowery vale,
While Sherlock's bowed down by a rock.
"For pride," said he, his visage pale,
As of his sins did he take stock.
Yossarion wept from eyes enlaced,
While burning smoke stung Edmond’s face.

Zaphod's face is pressed to earth,
His avarice he must repent.
For Beeton's vast enormous girth,
She suffers now perpetual Lent,
And longs for pot roasts and ice creams,
As Blomkvist walks in burning streams.

III. Paradise

A light shines down. Is it the sun?
The air vibrates with beating wings
And hallelujahs loudly sung,
Encomiums for the risen King.
As heavenward he does ascend
So rises Winnie and his friends.

The crystal spheres sing out in praise,
For those who let love in their lives.
Rochester, Pierre and Darcy gave
Their hearts to those who’d be their wives,
While Don Quixote and Frodo, too
Did show a love full, strong, and true.

The Joads do Heaven’s realm inherit,
For having eked out lives of pain.
And childish innocence doth merit
Heartsease for Pippi, Huck, and Jane.
The Little Prince his home has found:
The stars with happiness resound.

The tiger with the Lamb does play,
While Scout and Alice skip along.
“For every bear must have his day,”
So ring their voices out in song.
At last the Living Rose he sees,
All buzz’ed round with hunny bees.

IV. Coda

And thus we end this final round
The match’s winner has been found.
Who’s left you say. Do not wonder.
The answer’s in the very structure
This long review is written in.
This poem points to who must win.
The champion I declare to be
It’s Dante’s Divine Comedy.
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Comments (showing 1-7 of 7) (7 new)

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message 1: by Ian (new)

Ian Vinogradus Great jockey, wrong horse.

Manny Terrific!

I'm abandoning partisan voting principles for the final round, so here's my vote already.

message 3: by Hayes (new)

Hayes Bravissimo!

Splendid, Whitaker. YOu have a real talent!

message 4: by Grace (new)

Grace Tjan Wow!

But where is the Brideshead gang?

message 5: by Whitaker (new) - added it

Whitaker Thanks, everyone!

@Sandybanks: Huh? But Brideshead wasn't one of the books in contention.

message 6: by Grace (new)

Grace Tjan Whitaker wrote: "Thanks, everyone!

@Sandybanks: Huh? But Brideshead wasn't one of the books in contention."

Oh yeah, mea culpa. Somehow, I have this impression that brideshead was a contender in the first round. My brain must have been fried from reading too many bad 'romance' reviews.That is one hell of a review-poem, though.

Bettie☯ Brilliant work - I'm in awe

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