Steph Sinclair's Reviews > Fifty Shades of Grey

Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James
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Introducing an even more abusive and disturbing TWILIGHT! Now with whips and chains!


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Fifty Shades of Shit


Haters, please exit stage left.

I'm not sure what possessed me to pick up Fifty Shades of Grey. I thought I might genuinely like it before I started, but all I was left with was one hell of a mindfuck. Whatever it was that brought on this knee jerk purchase seems to have mercifully left me with enough common sense to say I will not be continuing on with this series.

Recently I discovered one of my favorite publishers, Random House, has picked up Fifty Shades of Grey and made this statement:
"An orig­i­nal work, and said to us that James had war­ranted the books were, indeed orig­i­nal. Mes­sitte added she was “aware of the nar­ra­tive that [50 SHADES] started as dif­fer­ently titled piece of fic­tion, but that they were and are two dis­tinctly sep­a­rate pieces of work."

I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to call bull shit on that. Fifty Shades of Grey and Master of the Universe (the original fan fic) are essentially the same thing. The biggest difference being Edward and Bella's name being replaced with Christian and Anastasia respectively. And I would know this because I have both and while I was reading, I would occasionally switch back and forth between the two without difficulty. I'd go through and give you examples myself, but other people have done it already here and here. So if you must read this book, do yourself a solid and find the fan fic online. You even get the second book too!

I know some people claim this has no similarities to Twilight and got dammit, I'm allergic to all the bull shit. Do I really need to point this all out? Because it looks pretty obvious to me. The mannerisms of the characters are exactly the same. They even say similar things the original characters say. The whole "dazzle" line and Edward asking Bella to trust him. Her mother being remarried with the same inability to maneuver her way around a kitchen. Bella is still trying to save Edward from himself due to his troubled past. Edward still stalks and controls Bella, only now he gets to hit her when she gets out of line.


*facepalm* Shall I beat them both? Yes?

I struggled to come up with a proper review for this book and couldn't figure out why I was feeling rather uninspired to write one. And then I figured it out. I was left so disgusted by this book that I wanted to purge the memory of its existence from my mind. With a rusty nail. Every time I thought of the book my brain cells would go on strike, yelling obscenities at me.  Anyway, I thought Bella and Edward's relationship couldn't get anymore fucked up than Twilight. I stand corrected. If I were to describe FSoG in one sentence it would be this: Fifty Shades of Grey is like Twilight on steroids, high on ecstasy, in a dirty little corner. A very dirty corner. With badly written sex. Lots.

Sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex....oh......sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex...

Fifty Shades of Grey tells the story of the beautiful (but of course she doesn't know it), naive virgin, Anastasia Steal after she is suckered into interviewing the Greek god, Christian Grey. Of course, sparks fly and for some unknown reason he can't seem to stay away from this incredibly, unremarkable girl.  Ana discovers Christian is into BDSM and desires her as his submissive fuck buddy.

There are a myriad of problems with this novel, many of which ironically can be found in Twilight. Never saw that one coming! Christian/Edward is still a controlling bastard, only now he hides behind his BDSM practices to camouflage his abusive tendencies. However, Ana doesn't see it that way. She thinks of him as a broken person and it's her duty to fix him. Even when he says things like this:
"I want to hurt you. But not beyond anything you couldn't take."

Can you believe she let's him beat her after that? And please don't even bother to tell me that it's just BDSM. No, just fucking no. Ana is genuinely afraid of Christian and is never entirely comfortable with the "punishment" aspect of their relationship. But Christian just manipulates her with sex to continue the relationship. And that's what really gets me. I just have a hard time believing a virgin would somehow become a sex goddess overnight, because that is exactly what happens. When she first is introduced to his kinky lifestyle and tells him she is a virgin he immediately tells her he needs to handle that "situation" before they could continue. What?! Since when is your virginity a "situation?" But, that's not really the kicker. Oh, no, because that is when we are introduced to Ana's two best friends. Everyone say hi to:

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Sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex....oh......sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex...

Anna's inner goddess, who always cheers her on when Christian wants sex or wants to punish her. She's also quite annoying, doing back flips at the mention of anything sexual related. Simmer down. Where did she come from exactly? Ana is in her twenties and has never felt the urge to have sex with anyone until Christian comes along with his whips and chains?!

And... Ana's sub-conscious, who hides behind couches when it comes time for her beating. When it comes to Ana having sex with Christian, well, her sub-conscious only has one thing to say,

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So after the "situation" is handled, Ana has to sign a "contract" agreeing to his sexual demands and also outlining things she won't do. It was pretty pointless considering he still got what he wanted and she never signed the damn thing. He exploits her, stalks her and abuses her! She cries after sex. She is afraid of him being angry! Even when he is angry at something else, she thinks it's her. Her reasoning for allowing him to hit her as his therapy is because she's afraid to lose him. That is not a reason for agreeing to a BDSM lifestyle! In fact, that's not even really "consent!" These quotes just scream domestic abuse to me:
"Please don't be angry with me," I whisper.

"Please don't hit me," I whisper, pleading.
His brow furrows, his eyes widening. He blinks twice.
"I don't want you to spank me. Not here. Not now. Please don't."

Yeah, he's a real catch, that one. Barf. No, excuse me. That's not right. The barfing came when the little ass-wipe PULLED HER TAMPON OUT AND RAMMED HIMSELF INSIDE OF HER. OMFG. Yes, the caps were totally necessary because that was the most disgusting thing I have ever had the misfortune of reading. That is not sexy, that's foul.

Whenever Ana thinks about leaving him, he comes over to her apartment unannounced pounds into her (literally) and her inner goddess does a fucking happy dance, forgetting her urge to kick his sick ass to the curb. They fight, they breakup. They kiss, they sex up.

Sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex....oh......sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex...

Christian: "Do you still want me gone Ana?"

Inner goddess: *growl*

Sub-conscious: ...

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Dance, puppet. Dance.

The writing is a shitty mess too. I mean, if I had to sit and read Ana saying "Holy, shit!" or "Holy, Fuck!" or "Oh, my!" one more time, I was going to lose it. I wanted to take my red pen and have at this "book" so badly. It was the little things like Ana's roommate saying over and over, "You never cry Ana," and what do we find Ana always doing? Crying. I'm not sure where the hell the plot was. *smacks forehead* How silly of me! Didn't I mention this was a Twilight retelling? Why was I expecting a plot? And another example of poor writing: for these characters to be American, they sounded very British to me. They used phrases that Americans don't use.

And now I'm trying to figure out why this book is so popular. Why do so many women love this book? I get the appeal of the bondage even though it's not my usual cup of tea. Whips? Chains? Sounds exciting!

Sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex....oh......sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex...

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Abuse? Not so much.

Fuck my life! Zero stars!

Eh, I'm off to read a good book now and possibly to bleach my brain.

More reviews at Cuddlebuggery Book Blog.
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Quotes Steph Liked

E.L. James
“- "Why don't you like to be touched?"
- "Because I'm fifty shades of fucked-up, Anastasia”
E.L. James, Fifty Shades of Grey


Reading Progress

03/14/2012
14.0% "Who brushes their teeth with someone else's tooth brush and calls it "a thrill?" This is dumb. So dumb." 12 comments
03/14/2012
18.0% "What is the appropriate response to finding out a potential lover is a complete freaky sadist or masochist? I don't know. Maybe... Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos" 18 comments
03/14/2012
30.0% "This book has no plot. What is the point? Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, annnnnnndddd seeeeeeexxxxxx!" 46 comments
03/15/2012
50.0% "So she fears him. Do NOT like." 3 comments
03/15/2012
55.0% "Okay, this relationship is borderline abuse. She's afraid of him hitting her and cries after sex. She's does not want him to hit her, but agrees because SHE IS AFRAID HE WILL DUMP HER. Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos" 57 comments
03/16/2012
77.0% "Is it just me, or does Ana never wear her own clothes?" 5 comments
03/17/2012
80.0% "WTH! Ana goes to Georgia to visit her mom and Christian has followed her. To another state. Creeper! Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos" 8 comments
03/17/2012
83.0% "Omg, did her really just do that?! The tampon!! What motherfuckery is this?! What has been read, cannot be unread. O.O Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos" 69 comments
03/18/2012
97.0% ""I want to hurt you. But not beyond anything you couldn't take." Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos" 16 comments
01/29/2016 marked as: read

Comments (showing 701-750 of 1,367) (1367 new)


message 701: by [deleted user] (new)

Anachronist wrote: "Lyn wrote:" I must inform you, my parties consist of pizza, caffeine and a boatload of cheesy movies that we "Mystery Science" up until we can't see from all of the laughing. "

Sounds great, espec..."


Haunted libraries!!


Anachronist Lyn wrote: "Haunted libraries!! "

Of course! These are the best, aren't they? ;)


message 703: by [deleted user] (new)

Anachronist wrote: "Lyn wrote: "Haunted libraries!! "

Of course! These are the best, aren't they? ;)"


I have always told my sister to cremate me and put me in the library. Awkwardness ensued when she thought that I meant right here, right now.

Oh well, free trip to the library!


Anachronist Lyn wrote: "I have always told my sister to cremate me and put me in the library. Awkwardness ensued when she thought that I meant right here, right now.
"


LOLOLOLOLOL!


message 705: by Lyndi (new) - added it

Lyndi Amazon is now randomly picking single sentences out of reviews and featuring them at the top of the Customer Review section. This is what shows up on 50 Shades' page:



Sorry about the size, but I really felt the need to share that.


message 706: by Missy (new)

Missy LaRae That is. Hilarious Lyndi!


message 707: by rameau (new) - added it

rameau Lyndi wrote: "Amazon is now randomly picking single sentences out of reviews and featuring them at the top of the Customer Review section. This is what shows up on 50 Shades' page:



Sorry about the size, but I..."


That is purrfect.


Alicia (is beyond tired of your *ish) Lyndi wrote: "Amazon is now randomly picking single sentences out of reviews and featuring them at the top of the Customer Review section. This is what shows up on 50 Shades' page:
Sorry about the size, but I..."


Bwahaha, awesome. I need to suck it up and one-star that shit on Amazon. I wonder if they'd finally stop putting it in my emails if I did...


Anachronist Lyndi wrote: "Amazon is now randomly picking single sentences out of reviews and featuring them at the top of the Customer Review section. This is what shows up on 50 Shades' page:



Sorry about the size, but I..."


You made me a bit happier, thanks!


message 710: by [deleted user] (new)

Lyndi wrote: "Amazon is now randomly picking single sentences out of reviews and featuring them at the top of the Customer Review section. This is what shows up on 50 Shades' page:



Sorry about the size, but I..."


Rich. That is just rich.


message 711: by Halah (new) - rated it 1 star

Halah Ahmad the best part of reading this book ( and the only one ) is reading such reviews .... i mean i just LOL'd SO HARD !

p.s can't i just add that 469 people had LIKED the the quotes “Laters, baby.” ..... this makes my want to cry ...


message 713: by Halah (new) - rated it 1 star

Halah Ahmad Merary wrote: "Seen this?:

http://booksasportablepiecesofthought..."


wow ... perfect review


message 714: by rameau (new) - added it

rameau Merary wrote: "Seen this?:

http://booksasportablepiecesofthought... "


That's Ana's blog and essay.


message 715: by Lyndi (new) - added it

Lyndi Good lord... I wonder how many GR reviewers are also bloggers and I just don't know that it's the same person.


message 716: by Rhea (new)

Rhea Have you seen this video?
50 Shades of Grey the Audiobook, read by Gilbert Gottfried.
"Hear it the way it was meant to be heard"

It's hilarious!

By the way, I loved your review :)


message 717: by [deleted user] (last edited May 17, 2012 01:05PM) (new)

Rh3a wrote: "Have you seen this video?
50 Shades of Grey the Audiobook, read by Gilbert Gottfried.
"Hear it the way it was meant to be heard"
It's hilarious!

By the way, I loved your review :)"


HOLY FUCK THIS IS WRONG!


message 718: by Lyndi (new) - added it

Lyndi Rh3a wrote: "Have you seen this video?
50 Shades of Grey the Audiobook, read by Gilbert Gottfried.
"Hear it the way it was meant to be heard"
It's hilarious!"


...STROKING THE FRONT WALL OF MY VAGINA!

I think this just made my whole month.

MY CLITORIS!


Katie(babs) 1.5 copies of the trilogy were sold last week because of Mother's Day. Now envision all your moms reading this and the tampon scene... heh


message 720: by Missy (new)

Missy LaRae Katie(babs) wrote: "1.5 copies of the trilogy were sold last week because of Mother's Day. Now envision all your moms reading this and the tampon scene... heh"

Yeah, no. That's retarded. This is not a proper mother's day gift unless you're giving it to your mother-in-law & you don't like her.


message 721: by [deleted user] (new)

Missy wrote: "Katie(babs) wrote: "1.5 copies of the trilogy were sold last week because of Mother's Day. Now envision all your moms reading this and the tampon scene... heh"

Yeah, no. That's retarded. This is n..."


If I had given this to my mother, I really think she would have finally fulfilled her threat to "take me out of this world."


Alicia (is beyond tired of your *ish) Even though I know full well this is not something my mother would read I'm still terrified of her asking me about it.

And I did find a random copy of New Moon in the family room once. I almost burst into tears.

Even knowing my mother knows about this would make me cry. (And not even for the erotica part though that would make me super uncomfortable. Hell, I'd give her good erotica if she wants it, but I just can't handle this stupid fanfic invading my real life to that extent.)


Alicia (is beyond tired of your *ish) Skyla (Happy Go Lucky and Lost in Books) wrote: "My Mum did ask me about it once because her co-worker wanted to read it and I told her about it then but said I'd never read it and wouldn't be reading it. My Mum has probably forgotten about that ..."

That's what worries me, that someone will say "you should look into..." Ugh. There was a post about it on the Psychology Today site. I DON'T NEED SOMEONE FROM THE APA MAKING MY LIFE MORE AWFUL!


message 724: by Valerie (new) - rated it 1 star

Valerie My mom bought this book a few weeks ago. I told her, "NO, MOM, DON'T DO IT. IT'S TWILIGHT FANFICTION." She didn't listen and bought it anyway.

She tried reading it, and it annoyed her so much that she put it down after three chapters. She put down Twilight for the same reason -- she couldn't stand Bella as a heroine, and since Ana is Bella... well. I read the whole thing a few days ago and I'm still complaining to her about how very, very bad it is. The other day, she opened it up to the back cover and said, "Look, it's a photo of the author! We can use it as a dartboard."

[/random cool story, sis]


Alicia (is beyond tired of your *ish) Valerie wrote: "Look, it's a photo of the author! We can use it as a dartboard."

Dead.


message 726: by Lyndi (new) - added it

Lyndi I'd rather use her picture for puppy potty-training. Let the pooping commence!


message 727: by Paula (new) - rated it 1 star

Paula So how do you all REALLY feel about this book and series... ??? lololol


message 728: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair LOLOLOLOLOL. The stories about the moms are hilarious!


message 729: by Silverdrake (new)

Silverdrake I wasn't planning on reading this when I heard about it on a particularly terrible Dateline I got sucked into watching. Though when they said it's a book about BDSM that every woman was reading, I thought, "Oh, no! The mainstream has finally discovered BDSM! I wonder just how quickly they can turn it into pablum?"

You have spared me from submitting to my morbid curiosity. I won't touch it with a 3 foot dildo.


message 731: by rameau (new) - added it

rameau Lyndi wrote: "Your moment of Zen."

No. No. Just. No.


message 732: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Lyndi wrote: "Your moment of Zen."

*snort*

Silverdrake wrote: " I won't touch it with a 3 foot dildo."

This made me giggle!


message 733: by Paula (new) - rated it 1 star

Paula My friend is reading this book and is halfway through it and said....'When nis anything going to happen?' I have the book, but have not started it...yet....My friend said all it talks about is HIS mouth....lol.
So....that's all I know about the book. I didn't read the Twilight books and only saw the first movie...so I won't be able to compare it to that. But I DO know that years ago, I loved 'Lady Chatterly's Lovers'...is there any comparison or likeness to that book ?


message 734: by Jessica (new)

Jessica high five. bravo. all of the awards.


message 735: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Paula wrote: "My friend is reading this book and is halfway through it and said....'When nis anything going to happen?' I have the book, but have not started it...yet....My friend said all it talks about is HIS..."

I have no idea about the comparisons to Lady Chatterly's Lovers since I haven't read it. But the book does seem to have a fascination with BOTH of their mouths, specifically her lip.

@Jes, *high fives ya back*


message 736: by Kathrin (new)

Kathrin Thank you so much for the great review! There is NO way I will ever read this book! Yuck!


message 737: by Sherri (new) - rated it 1 star

Sherri Keller You know, I was thinking about the shittitude of this book again—because I hate myself, apparently—and thought of something else that stuck in my craw while reading it. Whenever Christian gets dumbass the Blackberry, or the "mean machine", I forget which, she is so surprised to now have an email address. Me? I have an email address?????? Holy crap! Oh my! *lip bite*

Was she transported to our time period from 1993? How the fuck does she not already have an email address, and why is she so shocked that l'il ol' her now has one? Our strange methods of communication must frighten and confuse her.


message 739: by [deleted user] (new)

Lyndi wrote: "50 Shades of Blue with Selena Gomez

*dies*"


I just watched this!! I'm a huge Selena fan, and mixing in with a stab at FSOG just really made my day.


message 740: by [deleted user] (new)

Sherri wrote: "You know, I was thinking about the shittitude of this book again—because I hate myself, apparently—and thought of something else that stuck in my craw while reading it. Whenever Christian gets dumb..."

LOL, she's a virgin internet user?


message 741: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair @Katherine, no problem! Glad you found it helpful!

@Sherri, OMG so true. And someone else pointed out that she had an iPod and no computer or email address. How exactly does that work out????

@Lyndi, Bahahahaha!!!!!!


Alicia (is beyond tired of your *ish) Lyn wrote: "LOL, she's a virgin internet user?"

Haha, this review (another great ranty one) mentions that, too.
-I cannot stand how much the author being middle aged shows from the point of view of this 21 year old. “I'm gonna buy plane tickets...on the Internet.” ARE YOU NOW? WHOAOOOAOAOA. Don't get crazy on us, I might be too overwhelmed by this turn of events. “I fired up my email.” BLAZING SPEEDS REQUIRED.

Hahaha, WTF.


message 743: by [deleted user] (new)

Stephanie wrote: "@Katherine, no problem! Glad you found it helpful!

@Sherri, OMG so true. And someone else pointed out that she had an iPod and no computer or email address. How exactly does that work out????

@Ly..."


Seriously? She has an iPod, but NO E-MAIL??


message 744: by [deleted user] (new)

Alicia wrote: "Lyn wrote: "LOL, she's a virgin internet user?"

Haha, this review (another great ranty one) mentions that, too.
-I cannot stand how much the author being middle aged shows from the point of view o..."


Research seems to be a weak point for her. I think if she had asked 100 21 year old women if they had an e-mail, 100 21 year old women would be laughing their asses off that she even asked that.


Alicia (is beyond tired of your *ish) Lyn wrote: "Alicia wrote: "Lyn wrote: "LOL, she's a virgin internet user?"

Haha, this review (another great ranty one) mentions that, too.
-I cannot stand how much the author being middle aged shows from the ..."


I mean, what in the hell did Bella do with her time? She's a "gorgeous" 21-year-old who has never had a boyfriend, never masturbated, doesn't have e-mail, doesn't use the Internet. I mean did she really read 24-7??


message 746: by [deleted user] (new)

Alicia wrote: "Lyn wrote: "Alicia wrote: "Lyn wrote: "LOL, she's a virgin internet user?"

Haha, this review (another great ranty one) mentions that, too.
-I cannot stand how much the author being middle aged sho..."


Hell, I love reading, but I like to maste- err....see the sun from time to time.


Alicia (is beyond tired of your *ish) Lyn wrote: "Hell, I love reading, but I like to maste- err....see the sun from time to time."

Er-uh, me too.


message 748: by Merary (new) - rated it 1 star

Merary Lyn wrote: "Alicia wrote: "Lyn wrote: "Alicia wrote: "Lyn wrote: "LOL, she's a virgin internet user?"

Haha, this review (another great ranty one) mentions that, too.
-I cannot stand how much the author being ..."


Me too . . . with three. :$


message 749: by Nikki (new) - rated it 1 star

Nikki BAHHAHA, you're review makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. LOVE IT!


message 750: by Monica (new) - rated it 5 stars

Monica Hanneken You hit the nail on the head. Twilight with sexy and lots of it. I my say I did fall under it's spell. I couldn't stop reading them but hated myself at the same time. UGH!


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