Steph Sinclair's Reviews > Fifty Shades of Grey

Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James
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Introducing an even more abusive and disturbing TWILIGHT! Now with whips and chains!


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Fifty Shades of Shit


Haters, please exit stage left.

I'm not sure what possessed me to pick up Fifty Shades of Grey. I thought I might genuinely like it before I started, but all I was left with was one hell of a mindfuck. Whatever it was that brought on this knee jerk purchase seems to have mercifully left me with enough common sense to say I will not be continuing on with this series.

Recently I discovered one of my favorite publishers, Random House, has picked up Fifty Shades of Grey and made this statement:
"An orig­i­nal work, and said to us that James had war­ranted the books were, indeed orig­i­nal. Mes­sitte added she was “aware of the nar­ra­tive that [50 SHADES] started as dif­fer­ently titled piece of fic­tion, but that they were and are two dis­tinctly sep­a­rate pieces of work."

I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to call bull shit on that. Fifty Shades of Grey and Master of the Universe (the original fan fic) are essentially the same thing. The biggest difference being Edward and Bella's name being replaced with Christian and Anastasia respectively. And I would know this because I have both and while I was reading, I would occasionally switch back and forth between the two without difficulty. I'd go through and give you examples myself, but other people have done it already here and here. So if you must read this book, do yourself a solid and find the fan fic online. You even get the second book too!

I know some people claim this has no similarities to Twilight and got dammit, I'm allergic to all the bull shit. Do I really need to point this all out? Because it looks pretty obvious to me. The mannerisms of the characters are exactly the same. They even say similar things the original characters say. The whole "dazzle" line and Edward asking Bella to trust him. Her mother being remarried with the same inability to maneuver her way around a kitchen. Bella is still trying to save Edward from himself due to his troubled past. Edward still stalks and controls Bella, only now he gets to hit her when she gets out of line.


*facepalm* Shall I beat them both? Yes?

I struggled to come up with a proper review for this book and couldn't figure out why I was feeling rather uninspired to write one. And then I figured it out. I was left so disgusted by this book that I wanted to purge the memory of its existence from my mind. With a rusty nail. Every time I thought of the book my brain cells would go on strike, yelling obscenities at me.  Anyway, I thought Bella and Edward's relationship couldn't get anymore fucked up than Twilight. I stand corrected. If I were to describe FSoG in one sentence it would be this: Fifty Shades of Grey is like Twilight on steroids, high on ecstasy, in a dirty little corner. A very dirty corner. With badly written sex. Lots.

Sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex....oh......sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex...

Fifty Shades of Grey tells the story of the beautiful (but of course she doesn't know it), naive virgin, Anastasia Steal after she is suckered into interviewing the Greek god, Christian Grey. Of course, sparks fly and for some unknown reason he can't seem to stay away from this incredibly, unremarkable girl.  Ana discovers Christian is into BDSM and desires her as his submissive fuck buddy.

There are a myriad of problems with this novel, many of which ironically can be found in Twilight. Never saw that one coming! Christian/Edward is still a controlling bastard, only now he hides behind his BDSM practices to camouflage his abusive tendencies. However, Ana doesn't see it that way. She thinks of him as a broken person and it's her duty to fix him. Even when he says things like this:
"I want to hurt you. But not beyond anything you couldn't take."

Can you believe she let's him beat her after that? And please don't even bother to tell me that it's just BDSM. No, just fucking no. Ana is genuinely afraid of Christian and is never entirely comfortable with the "punishment" aspect of their relationship. But Christian just manipulates her with sex to continue the relationship. And that's what really gets me. I just have a hard time believing a virgin would somehow become a sex goddess overnight, because that is exactly what happens. When she first is introduced to his kinky lifestyle and tells him she is a virgin he immediately tells her he needs to handle that "situation" before they could continue. What?! Since when is your virginity a "situation?" But, that's not really the kicker. Oh, no, because that is when we are introduced to Ana's two best friends. Everyone say hi to:

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Sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex....oh......sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex...

Anna's inner goddess, who always cheers her on when Christian wants sex or wants to punish her. She's also quite annoying, doing back flips at the mention of anything sexual related. Simmer down. Where did she come from exactly? Ana is in her twenties and has never felt the urge to have sex with anyone until Christian comes along with his whips and chains?!

And... Ana's sub-conscious, who hides behind couches when it comes time for her beating. When it comes to Ana having sex with Christian, well, her sub-conscious only has one thing to say,

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So after the "situation" is handled, Ana has to sign a "contract" agreeing to his sexual demands and also outlining things she won't do. It was pretty pointless considering he still got what he wanted and she never signed the damn thing. He exploits her, stalks her and abuses her! She cries after sex. She is afraid of him being angry! Even when he is angry at something else, she thinks it's her. Her reasoning for allowing him to hit her as his therapy is because she's afraid to lose him. That is not a reason for agreeing to a BDSM lifestyle! In fact, that's not even really "consent!" These quotes just scream domestic abuse to me:
"Please don't be angry with me," I whisper.

"Please don't hit me," I whisper, pleading.
His brow furrows, his eyes widening. He blinks twice.
"I don't want you to spank me. Not here. Not now. Please don't."

Yeah, he's a real catch, that one. Barf. No, excuse me. That's not right. The barfing came when the little ass-wipe PULLED HER TAMPON OUT AND RAMMED HIMSELF INSIDE OF HER. OMFG. Yes, the caps were totally necessary because that was the most disgusting thing I have ever had the misfortune of reading. That is not sexy, that's foul.

Whenever Ana thinks about leaving him, he comes over to her apartment unannounced pounds into her (literally) and her inner goddess does a fucking happy dance, forgetting her urge to kick his sick ass to the curb. They fight, they breakup. They kiss, they sex up.

Sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex....oh......sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex...

Christian: "Do you still want me gone Ana?"

Inner goddess: *growl*

Sub-conscious: ...

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Dance, puppet. Dance.

The writing is a shitty mess too. I mean, if I had to sit and read Ana saying "Holy, shit!" or "Holy, Fuck!" or "Oh, my!" one more time, I was going to lose it. I wanted to take my red pen and have at this "book" so badly. It was the little things like Ana's roommate saying over and over, "You never cry Ana," and what do we find Ana always doing? Crying. I'm not sure where the hell the plot was. *smacks forehead* How silly of me! Didn't I mention this was a Twilight retelling? Why was I expecting a plot? And another example of poor writing: for these characters to be American, they sounded very British to me. They used phrases that Americans don't use.

And now I'm trying to figure out why this book is so popular. Why do so many women love this book? I get the appeal of the bondage even though it's not my usual cup of tea. Whips? Chains? Sounds exciting!

Sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex....oh......sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex...

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Abuse? Not so much.

Fuck my life! Zero stars!

Eh, I'm off to read a good book now and possibly to bleach my brain.

More reviews at Cuddlebuggery Book Blog.
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Quotes Steph Liked

E.L. James
“- "Why don't you like to be touched?"
- "Because I'm fifty shades of fucked-up, Anastasia”
E.L. James, Fifty Shades of Grey


Reading Progress

03/14/2012
14.0% "Who brushes their teeth with someone else's tooth brush and calls it "a thrill?" This is dumb. So dumb." 12 comments
03/14/2012
18.0% "What is the appropriate response to finding out a potential lover is a complete freaky sadist or masochist? I don't know. Maybe... Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos" 18 comments
03/14/2012
30.0% "This book has no plot. What is the point? Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, annnnnnndddd seeeeeeexxxxxx!" 48 comments
03/15/2012
50.0% "So she fears him. Do NOT like." 3 comments
03/15/2012
55.0% "Okay, this relationship is borderline abuse. She's afraid of him hitting her and cries after sex. She's does not want him to hit her, but agrees because SHE IS AFRAID HE WILL DUMP HER. Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos" 57 comments
03/16/2012
77.0% "Is it just me, or does Ana never wear her own clothes?" 5 comments
03/17/2012
80.0% "WTH! Ana goes to Georgia to visit her mom and Christian has followed her. To another state. Creeper! Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos" 8 comments
03/17/2012
83.0% "Omg, did her really just do that?! The tampon!! What motherfuckery is this?! What has been read, cannot be unread. O.O Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos" 69 comments
03/18/2012
97.0% ""I want to hurt you. But not beyond anything you couldn't take." Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos" 16 comments

Comments (showing 551-600 of 1,365) (1365 new)


message 551: by Steph (last edited Apr 22, 2012 11:30AM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Sophie wrote: "Was EL James the author of the fanfic or she stole it from another author?"

She was the author of the fan fic. It's the same as Fifty Shades with only an 11% difference.


Alicia (is beyond tired of your *ish) @Constance: I am no Twilight fan. In fact, I generally loathe it with a fiery passion. And I unequivocally believe that MOTU is far worse. In writing, characterization, abuse, and add on psychological issues, and the misrepresentation of BDSM.

@Sophie: Someone asked a somewhat similar question yesterday and I wrote this in response, so I'll copy/paste for you:

SnowqueensIceDragaons = E.L. James = Erika WhateverThievingBitchIDK

SQID wrote Master of the Universe, a Twilight fan fiction, that was posted chapter by chapter on Fanfiction.net. After gaining what was a psychotic amount of fandom notoriety she decided she deserved to get paid for all the "work" she put into it. She then changed the names and some physical characteristics, renamed it to Fifty Shades of Grey and "published" it under the pen name E.L. James.

FSoG wasn't "inspired" by a Twilight fanfic. It is a Twilight fanfic. Period. She wrote Bella and Edward and used Twilight series plot points.

Now, in all honesty she did cobble other parts of her pathetic story together from a bunch of other Twifics. There's not one shred of that story that's original. But in terms of the lie the mainstream media and RH are trying to perpetrate there weren't any degrees of separation between Twilight and FSoG.


message 553: by Lyndi (new) - added it

Lyndi Hi, my name is Lyndi and I'm an alcoholic I don't hate Twilight.

Though I understand why everyone else does. For me, it was the first book I'd read that was anything like that. I had previously stuck to murder mysteries where romance wasn't even a word used in the book. So, as my first experience with the YA genre, the creepy-stalker-boyfriend, the tropes upon tropes, etc... I had nothing to compare it to, so it was just a fun read for me. Not great, but fun.

If I hadn't read Twilight and attempted to read it now, I'd DNF it by the second chapter.


message 554: by rameau (new) - added it

rameau Lyndi wrote: "If I hadn't read Twilight and attempted to read it now, I'd DNF it by the second chapter. "

Would you believe I've read it three times? Twice in English, once in Finnish (the translation is so much better). The reread in English was painful but I had to do it because I wanted to write an au fanfic and needed to remind myself of the canon. All it did was to remind me of why I avoid Twilight canon.


message 555: by sanny (new) - rated it 3 stars

sanny Amen to your review!!! And that whole blackberry messaging thing? People who use blackberry do BBM, not emails. Which era are you in?!


message 556: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Lyndi wrote: "Hi, my name is Lyndi and I'm an alcoholic I don't hate Twilight.

Though I understand why everyone else does. For me, it was the first book I'd read that was anything like that. I had previously st..."


It may surprise you to know that a lot of us used to like Twilight until we really got into reading the YA genre. I've read Twilight 4 or 5 times. I can't remember at this point. The only one in the series I didn't read more than once was Breaking Dawn.


message 557: by Missy (new)

Missy LaRae Lyndi wrote: "I wouldn't let my parents read my reviews. I don't want them to feel bad for spawning such a bitch."

It is 8:21 am EST and this comment has sufficiently made my day. Hopefully you realize what a LOL that is.

Well played.

Missy


message 558: by Lyndi (last edited Apr 24, 2012 09:39PM) (new) - added it

Lyndi Chelsea Handler just called this book "embarrassingly stupid" on her show. And the other guy said "it's a really dirty book written at a 3rd grade reading level" and then went on about the tampon scene and grossed the audience out.

"Do you like S&M?"
"Um, I like M&Ms."

And then it got weird.


message 559: by [deleted user] (new)

rameau wrote: "Lyndi wrote: "If I hadn't read Twilight and attempted to read it now, I'd DNF it by the second chapter. "

Would you believe I've read it three times? Twice in English, once in Finnish (the transla..."


I can. I did my third pass in Spanish when a friend bought them, and there must be something like a raised tolerance in a second language, because I felt dirty reading it in my birth one. Or maybe it was the distance, simmering and hindsight.


Alicia (is beyond tired of your *ish) Oh snap. When Chelsea Handler calls your story embarrassingly stupid you know you're the scum on the bottom of the barrel.

And apparently I've been very kind with my "semi-literate sixth grader" comment.

As much as I try to avoid all things MOTU media attention and all things Chelsea Handler, I would totally watch that discussion.


message 561: by Vix (new) - rated it 4 stars

Vix Wow, some serious hating going on :-S


message 562: by rameau (new) - added it

rameau Vix (TToria) wrote: "Wow, some serious hating going on :-S"

Ouch. Ouch, said she and spied a troll.


Alicia (is beyond tired of your *ish) Vix (TToria) wrote: "Wow, some serious hating going on :-S"

Damn straight, Five Stars.


Katie(babs) Loved how Elizabeth Vargas on 20/20 said James was "influenced" by Twilight. Vargas should have asked if James feels any remorse for breaking a cardinal rule and not profiting from fan fiction. Also I wonder if James ever meets Meyer, what Meyer would do?

James is clearly uncomfortable by this all and she even admits her books are poorly written.


message 565: by Annmarie (new)

Annmarie I was in FL for the past week visiting my parents. My mother's lady friends are all reading it! Then at the airport in Orlando, it was in the gift shops selling for 15.99 right next to Danielle Steele selling for 7.99.

ELJ is definitely uncomfortable and doesn't interview well, but I am sure she is enjoying the money she is making off of SM's derivative story line.


message 566: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Lyndi wrote: "Chelsea Handler just called this book "embarrassingly stupid" on her show. And the other guy said "it's a really dirty book written at a 3rd grade reading level" and then went on about the tampon s..."

Lol! I knew there was a reason why I liked her!


message 567: by Lyndi (new) - added it

Lyndi Annmarie wrote: "ELJ is definitely uncomfortable and doesn't interview well, but I am sure she is enjoying the money she is making off of SM's derivative story line."

I like to believe she's so uncomfortable in interviews because she's waiting for the host to call her out on her fraud. I would be giddy if somebody actually said "So, what do you have to say about the fact that this story is identical to MotU and why are you charging $10 for something we can all get for free?"

There are plenty of interviewers that ask the hard questions and have no problem making their guest uncomfortable in order to get the truth. Unfortunately, E.L. James' publicist must be fully aware of who those interviewers are and they're avoiding those shows.


message 568: by Ashley (new) - rated it 3 stars

Ashley Granger I just heard about 50 Shades of Grey today. I am a pretty prolific reader, so I don't know how I missed it, but I was curious about it after I saw how many ratings it had received. From reading reviews and the summary, I'm trying to understand why, in romance novels, the woman must always be a. a virgin or b. a woman who has had sex but never "good sex." You'd think we would be past the stereotypes by now, but I guess not. Either way, I'm intrigued enough give it a try, albeit cautiously.


message 569: by Merary (new) - rated it 1 star

Merary "They fight, they breakup. They kiss, they sex up."

That should be a song! XD


message 570: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Merary wrote: ""They fight, they breakup. They kiss, they sex up."

That should be a song! XD"


Oh, it is. Just sing it in the tune of Katy Perry's Hot and Cold.
"We fight, we break-up. We kiss, we make-up."

Ironically, that song describes a bit of Christian's personality. Lol.


Anachronist A very appropriate song indeed. "You're hot then you're cold, you're yes then you no..." I am ashamed I didn't think of it earlier


message 572: by Laura (new)

Laura Matta Everyone at work is reading this, I mistakenly bought Between shades of Grey, I was expecting Bridges of Madison County but got Schlinders List Instead.


message 573: by Lyndi (new) - added it

Lyndi Laura wrote: "Everyone at work is reading this, I mistakenly bought Between shades of Grey, I was expecting Bridges of Madison County but got Schlinders List Instead."

Tragic but hilarious.


Danielle Djamoos best review ever. glad someone else picked up on the personification of the inner goddess/subconscious. without those two, i wouldn't have been able to carry on. my favorite:

"My inner goddess squints from her sun lounge where she's trying to catch rays with a silver reflector fanned out at her neck."

still laughing, days later.


message 575: by Alicia (is beyond tired of your *ish) (last edited May 01, 2012 11:34AM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Alicia (is beyond tired of your *ish) If you thought the fetus liking sex was fun, here's another fun one (also posted on ONTD):



BRB, showering the memory that off of me.


message 576: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Alicia wrote: "If you thought the fetus liking sex was fun, here's another fun one (also posted on ONTD):



BRB, showering the memory that off of me."


Wait, wait, wait! Is that an actual quote from one of the books?!


message 577: by Missy (new)

Missy LaRae Stephanie wrote: "Alicia wrote: "If you thought the fetus liking sex was fun, here's another fun one (also posted on ONTD):



BRB, showering the memory that off of me."

Wait, wait, wait! Is that an actual quote f..."




If this is an actual scene from one of the books I seriously may have to go throw up. That's gross. And Wrong. And Gross. Seriously, someone tell me the truth, is this really a quote????!!!!


message 578: by Alicia (is beyond tired of your *ish) (last edited May 01, 2012 11:49AM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Alicia (is beyond tired of your *ish) I can't confirm it (I only have PDFs of the first two). I vaguely remember someone posting with page numbers in another post.

Anyone less prone to rage over this want to go sleuthing?

Nevermind, I did it. I'm in the soup already. I had no doubt these were true but here you go:

http://50shadesofsuck.tumblr.com/post...

http://community.babycenter.com/post/...

http://www.forumopolis.com/showthread...

More showering...


message 579: by Missy (new)

Missy LaRae Alicia wrote: "I can't confirm it (I only have PDFs of the first two). I vaguely remember someone posting with page numbers in another post.

Anyone less prone to rage over this want to go sleuthing?

Nevermind, ..."


Seriously disturbing. Sexualizing a fetus? Really!?


Katie(babs) Have you checked out the hilarious Tumblr, 50 Shades of Suck? http://50shadesofsuck.tumblr.com/

and yes to the fetus: http://50shadesofsuck.tumblr.com/post...


message 581: by Kruti (new) - rated it 1 star

Kruti Alicia wrote: "I can't confirm it (I only have PDFs of the first two). I vaguely remember someone posting with page numbers in another post.

Anyone less prone to rage over this want to go sleuthing?

Nevermind, ..."


:O someone please call social services!!! These people should not have kids!


message 582: by Missy (new)

Missy LaRae Okay I had to LOL at this one on the Tumblr post.

Which of the following types of pain/punishment/discipline are acceptable to the Submissive?
• Spanking
• Paddling
• Whipping
• Caning
• Biting
• Nipple clamps
• Genital clamps
Fifty Shades of Grey, p. 129.
i almost just choked on a peanut m&m.


Bwahahahahahahahaha


message 583: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair OMFG!

FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKK!

I had no idea it got that disturbing in the last book! Ewwwwwwwwwwww... that is so WRONG on all kinds of levels!


Danielle So it's come down to them turning their child into a... I'm not even going to say it. I thought nothing could be worse than the tampons, but E.L. James has surprised me once again. In the today show she mentioned that the book contained all of her fantasies... I never knew anyone wanted their tampons pulled out before.


message 586: by Katlyn (new)

Katlyn Stephanie wrote: "Epic WTFuckery: http://twitter.com/christiantgrey"

Wdf...


message 587: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Katlyn wrote: "Stephanie wrote: "Epic WTFuckery: http://twitter.com/christiantgrey"

Wdf..."


I guess that tampon scene was hotter than we thought...


message 588: by Katlyn (new)

Katlyn Stephanie wrote: "Katlyn wrote: "Stephanie wrote: "Epic WTFuckery: http://twitter.com/christiantgrey"

Wdf..."

I guess that tampon scene was hotter than we thought..."


I can't imagine what kind of weird porn he is putting up on there...


Alicia (is beyond tired of your *ish) Stephanie wrote: "OMFG!

FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKK!

I had no idea it got that disturbing in the last book! Ewwwwwwwwwwww... that is so WRONG on all kinds of levels!"


I know, right?? Even with how disturbing it was before I never would have imagined it would get that disturbing.


Katie(babs) Anne Rice wrote a scene like the tampon scene in one of her Lestat books. Took awhile to erase that from my memory.

Honestly, I think EL was just throwing whatever sex she could in because she was writing fan fiction and anything goes there. She was having fun and who would have thought fan fiction would sell let alone sell millions? She's also pretty much embarrassed from what I've watched in interview on TV because never in a million years did she expect this book and the other 2 in the trilogy to be so massive.

Yes, she's become a star the likes of Meyer (har har) but I bet she takes herself seriously as a writer and her next book is going to be a hard sale because it will never reach the heights 50 has. If she does sell another book or series, it won't be anywhere a popular at this trilogy that looks like it will take over Twilight in popularity.

Authors want the money, but they also want the respect of their peers and to be praised as a critical success and win awards and all that jazz. I wonder how many authors, who may have read this book and even enjoyed it, will come out and say it's amazing. I haven't seen any say so.


message 591: by Elizabeth (last edited May 02, 2012 07:26AM) (new)

Elizabeth Great review!! Just when I though things couldn't get worse...what a monumental piece of crap. Who reads this sh!t, seriously??? That book just set women's rights back 200 years I think. Do we still have the vote???


message 592: by Lyndi (new) - added it

Lyndi I thought the tampon scene was the worst.
Then I felt the fetus liking sex thing had to top that.
Color me surprised when I find the child-finger sucking to be legit - that's gotta be the worst, right?

No, that fucking Twitter is the creepiest thing I've ever seen related to 50 Shades. Worse than the Tristan/Christian/Edward menage fanfic with the Fight Club-esque twist we were talking about earlier. I am now scarred for life.

And do these women realize that anyone searching their screen name will now find these Tweets? "Oh, really? I totally wanted to picture my great-aunt being spanked while suspended from the ceiling of a fictional character's sex den."


message 593: by Stephanie (new)

Stephanie Marmolino Why don't you tell us how you really feel!!! What a waste of time and energy! I read MOTU, and didn't really care for it but I moved on to the next book! Who cares about all this crap???? We get it, you don't like it, move on!!!


message 595: by Kat Kennedy (new)

Kat Kennedy Wow, Stephanie. You're going to spend the rest of your life angry and miss everything cool.


message 596: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Stephanie wrote: "Why don't you tell us how you really feel!!! What a waste of time and energy! I read MOTU, and didn't really care for it but I moved on to the next book! Who cares about all this crap???? We get it..."

Umm... Stephanie? I have moved on to the next book. It's not like I've gone on to finish off the series. *scratches head*

But this is MY review space and if we want to continue on with a discussion, we'll do so. I'm not sure why you felt the urge to berate us.

In case you missed in in the beginning of my review: HATERS (that'd be you) exit stage left.


message 597: by [deleted user] (new)

*headdesk* Writing snarky reviews is fun. No one forced you to read this, so why don't you move along to that next book you mentioned. Your services are no longer needed here (not that they ever were).


message 598: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Kara wrote: "*headdesk* Writing snarky reviews is fun. No one forced you to read this, so why don't you move along to that next book you mentioned. Your services are no longer needed here (not that they ever we..."

Wow, didn't I just mention to you no less than 30 minutes ago that I almost never get trolled? Oh, irony, thanks for the memories. Lol.


message 599: by [deleted user] (new)

LMAO!! I know! Next time you know to keep your mouth shut. ;)


Synesthesia (SPIDERS!) Oh, there's 2 Stephanies, I was confused.


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