John Egbert's Reviews > Heaven

Heaven by Alexandra Adornetto
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As of 7/9/2012

So I finally got around to reading (and trying to make sense of) the synopsis.

Only sixteen when she started the series, Ally Adornetto knows how teen hearts beat,

You see, this is the obvious bait. I'm not going to take it. I'm going to walk away and move on to the next sentence, because if I were to even get started on how much of an insult this is to teenagers (and really every human being on the planet) I wouldn't be able to stop. And none of us want that.

So instead I'm going to take this the literal way and say that I hope Adornetto knows about the blood pumping processes of the heart, teenage or otherwise. Because that would at least ensure that she has the basic biological knowledge of a third grader.

Bethany, an angel sent to Earth, and her mortal boyfriend, Xavier, have been to Hell and back. But now their love will be put to its highest test yet, as they defy Heavenly law and marry.

I mean, really, this is literally the stupidest thing I've read all week. It just, I can't, I can't do it. It hurts when I think about this for too long.

I really can't understand why

I just don't

help

Okay, I'm going to try to make logic out of this.

So I guess Adornetto is trying to go for the Nephilim thing here?

But the problem is, and I'm not positive, the reason why God didn't want any angels marrying humans is because they always had kids and those kids were... Nephilim.

So, to me at least, it seems that as long as Bethie and Xavier agree to adopt nobody should really give a shit.

And it's not like, even in the bible, you saw God getting all flustered about the whole thing. I mean he kind of let them do it anyway, right, so it must not have been that big of a deal.

They don’t tell Beth’s archangel siblings, Gabriel and Ivy, but the angels know soon enough, and punishment comes in a terrifying form: the Sevens, who are rogue angels bent on keeping Beth and Xavier apart, destroying Gabriel and Ivy, and darkening angelic power in the heavens.

Wait, okay, what, this is the part where it really starts to not make sense.

If the Sevens are rogue.

And the rogue are, like, not with God. (I assume that's why they're labelled as rogue.)

And God is not with Xavier and Bethie getting married.

Shouldn't the Sevens not care?

And even if I've got it all wrong, and the Sevens are really with God, there is still no reason as to why it's such a big deal. Who cares? Oh god, no pun intended, I just can't understand why anyone gives a fuck. It's just so hard for me to care, why would they? Don't they have more important things to do with their time than dabble in the lives of two very annoying brats?

AND IF THE SEVEN ARE BENT ON 'DARKENING ANGELIC POWER' THEN, UH, DISOBEYING GOD WOULD BE A REALLY GOOD PLACE TO START WITH THAT.

The only way Bethany and Xavier can elude the Sevens is to hide in the open

What the fuck? HOW DOES THIS MAKE ANY SENSE??!!?!??!

The only way they can evade the Sevens is to HIDE IN BROAD DAYLIGHT????

AOGJ;LERABIVAP;,O;KJETHAJO,O I DON'T UNDERSTAND HELP

Gabriel and Ivy set them up at college, where they can’t reveal their relationship,

HUH? WHY?

Look if there are a group of dangerous angels on your tail then NOT MAKING KISSY FACES AT EACH OTHER EVERY FIVE SECONDS ISN'T GOING TO HELP THEM FROM FIGURING OUT WHO YOU ARE.

And they could very, very easily just have a relationship

IN

PRIVATE

LIKE OTHER PEOPLE WHO CAN'T BE TOGETHER IN PUBLIC DO

EVERY DAY

WHY AM I EVEN ARGUING LOGIC WITH THIS BOOK

AND WHY AM I TALKING IN CAPS AND NOT USING ANY PUNCTUATION

UGH

SORRY

Will Bethany be called back to Heaven – forever – and face leaving the love of her life?

OH MY GOD WHO GIVES A SHIT.

First of all we built the entire fucking synopsis up to this pathetic ending and sad excuse for a conflict (trust me, I know it's hard to write conflict, but this just sucks). Second of all every single problem Bethie and Xavier face could be simply enough solved or doesn't make any logical sense.

Third of all... THAT ISN'T ANY REAL CONFLICT.

I mean okay look

It's like either she's called back to Heaven... or she isn't.

Either God tells her to bring her feathery tail back up to the clouds... or he doesn't.

THAT ISN'T CONFLICT.

THAT ISN'T EVEN A CHOICE THAT BETHANY HAS TO MAKE, HOW IS THAT CONFLICT.

WHY AM I STILL TRYING TO ARGUE LOGIC INTO THIS BOOK.

WHY AM I ANGRY THAT THIS WHOLE SERIES IS A HUGE GLOP OF BORING BULLSHIT WRITTEN BY AN UNINTELLIGENT UNEDUCATED PERSON WHO'S PRESENTED AS A SPOKESPERSON FOR ALL TEENAGERS

I MEAN I WENT THROUGH THIS WHOLE THING

WHEN I READ HADES

AND NOW I'M DOING IT AGAIN

LIKE A SICK CYCLE

UGH


As of 4/10/2012 EXTRA EXTRA BIG WARNING DUE TO EXCESS OF TROLLS: THE FOLLOWING CONSISTS OF SWEARING, HATE DIRECTED TOWARDS THE HALO SERIES BY ALEXANDRA ADORNETTO, GENERAL DISTASTE FOR PEOPLE WHO RATED THE BOOK FIVE STARS BEFORE THE COVER HAD EVEN CAME OUT YET, GIFS, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY SWEARING AND ANGER.

IF YOU LIKE THE HALO SERIES IN ANY WAY YOU SHOULD PROBABLY NOT CONTINUE. IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A TASTEFUL, CLEAN PRE-REVIEW OF THIS BOOK THEN YOU SHOULD NOT PROCEED. IF YOU ARE UNDER 12 THEN YOU SHOULD PROBABLY NOT PROCEED.

(Not like I can stop you if you are under 12 and decide to proceed anyway, though.)

MOST IMPORTANTLY, IF YOU ARE A FAN OF THE HALO SERIES DO. NOT. PROCEED. AT ALL. AND IF YOU DO PROCEED ANYWAY, NO LECTURING ON HOW GREAT OF A WRITER ADDIE IS AND HOW I NEED TO STFU, M'KAY? M'KAY!





Warning: Will be flipping out. Halo...does things to me...












HOLY FUCKING SHIT. WHAT THE FUCKEDY FUCK.

Why, why, JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHY IS THIS MONSTER RATED SO HIGH?

THE SHIT HASN'T EVEN COME OUT YET!

To combat all of the morons rating this book five or so stars before the motherfucking cover is even released, I'll be rating this bastard one, one, A SINGULAR star even though I wish I could give it NOTHING.

description
"You get NOTHING! You LOSE! GOOD DAY, SIR!"

STOP RATING BOOKS YOU HAVEN'T READ, PEOPLE. ESPECIALLY BOOKS IN CRAPPY, PREACHY, NASTY SERIES'S LIKE THIS.

*cries*

description

In this bloody creature of a series, I wish the average rating was fucking ONE STAR so there would be TRUTH about this THING everywhere on the planet!

*more crying*

description

*even more crying*

description

...


...


...
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Comments (showing 11-60)





message 60: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Palice, you are scaring me.


message 59: by Choco (new) - rated it 1 star

Choco But why? D:


message 58: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Jada? Poor baby?


message 57: by Choco (new) - rated it 1 star

Choco Umm... yeah.
Who knows, maybe she's just really lonely and wants some friends, but she doesn't know how to get friends, so she just makes fun of other people. She needs a hug.


message 56: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert You have a point, actually. Kind of like that annoying dude in fifth grade who sits behind you and kicks your chair because he likes you?


message 55: by Choco (new) - rated it 1 star

Choco John wrote: "You have a point, actually. Kind of like that annoying dude in fifth grade who sits behind you and kicks your chair because he likes you?"

I haven't had anyone do that to me, but yeah. Kind of like that, I guess.

(view spoiler)


message 54: by Tarra (new) - rated it 1 star

Tarra You are freaking hysterical!!! I know what you mean.... I know what you mean. (rocking back and forth hugging myself)

Halo. It does things to me as well.


message 53: by Aylin (new)

Aylin Garcia Okayy I understand your ticked off but just cuz a book that hasn't came out yet is rated so high it mostly cuz they love da authors work or love the series! Maybe you wouldn't do that but your not da entire world! I would do the same and rate it 5 *! People like you are just negative in general! And everything of course does NOT change. You need 2 calm your shit down, nobody is listening and nobody cares. If you don't like the series, review it then rate it and get the hell outta of there. This even ain't a review, it's STUPID RANT! Okayy so everyone calm yrr asses jeesh!!


message 52: by Kira (new) - rated it 1 star

Kira Aylin wrote: "Okayy I understand your ticked off but just cuz a book that hasn't came out yet is rated so high it mostly cuz they love da authors work or love the series! Maybe you wouldn't do that but your not ..."

115 people are following John, and 53 people liked this review. "Nobody is listening and nobody cares"? Are you blind?


message 51: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Tarra wrote: "You are freaking hysterical!!! I know what you mean.... I know what you mean. (rocking back and forth hugging myself)

Halo. It does things to me as well."


Oh dear, I am so glad I'm not alone. These books... *dark glint appears in eyes*


message 50: by John (last edited Jun 15, 2012 05:19PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Aylin wrote: "Okayy I understand your ticked off but just cuz a book that hasn't came out yet is rated so high it mostly cuz they love da authors work or love the series! Maybe you wouldn't do that but your not ..."

You blithering fucking idiot. I repeatedly warned all potential readers at the top of the review that this was a rant. What are you, illiterate, or just plain stupid? I'm sorry, but I have very little patience and respect for people who can't read huge bolded caps letters.


message 49: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Kira wrote: "Aylin wrote: "Okayy I understand your ticked off but just cuz a book that hasn't came out yet is rated so high it mostly cuz they love da authors work or love the series! Maybe you wouldn't do that..."

I tend to be very modest about those sorts of things (HA HA HA NOT), but thank you Kira for pointing that out. For a moment I thought I was hallucinating that number.


message 48: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Cillian wrote: "Can anybody explain to me what this moron tried to say here?"

Oh, dear, Cillian, I honestly doubt that she knows the answer to that question herself.


message 47: by Choco (new) - rated it 1 star

Choco Oh, you get the cutest trolls. Who else needs a hug? Let's all get married.


message 46: by Tara (new)

Tara Jada wrote: "EVERYONE STOP TALKING!!! I HAVE ANOTHER MIGRAINE!"

I'm just observing, but, Jada... You're talking about how everyone is entitled to their opinion, but when someone doesn't agree with you, you flip out. That's not very mature.


message 45: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Cillian wrote: "John wrote: "Cillian wrote: "Can anybody explain to me what this moron tried to say here?"

Oh, dear, Cillian, I honestly doubt that she knows the answer to that question herself."

She? I'm sure y..."


You're right-sometimes I make the most ridiculous mistakes. *shakes head sadly*


message 44: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Palice wrote: "Let's all get married."

I have no immediate qualms with this. (Although my trolls are kind of cute in the very, very ugly way.)


message 43: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Tara wrote: "Jada wrote: "EVERYONE STOP TALKING!!! I HAVE ANOTHER MIGRAINE!"

I'm just observing, but, Jada... You're talking about how everyone is entitled to their opinion, but when someone doesn't agree with..."


Tara, you are speaking rationally, logically, like you're addressing someone who can comprehend being spoken to in that manner... Jada, from what I've experienced... yeah... well, it was worth a shot, at least.


message 42: by Tara (new)

Tara John wrote: "Tara wrote: "Jada wrote: "EVERYONE STOP TALKING!!! I HAVE ANOTHER MIGRAINE!"

I'm just observing, but, Jada... You're talking about how everyone is entitled to their opinion, but when someone doesn..."


I was just hoping if someone was very straight forward with her she'd get the hint, but I suppose not. :P


message 41: by Katherine (new)

Katherine I don't care what any one else says this review is amazing!


message 40: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Katherine wrote: "I don't care what any one else says this review is amazing!"

D'awwww, thank you <3


message 39: by Tara (new)

Tara Katherine wrote: "I don't care what any one else says this review is amazing!"

Seriously, I just don't get the attraction to a book with major grammatical errors. How is that appealing?


message 38: by Beth (new)

Beth this made my day omg. are you going to read it when it comes out? I think you should because i'd love to see your review for it!!


message 37: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Beth wrote: "this made my day omg. are you going to read it when it comes out? I think you should because i'd love to see your review for it!!"

oh god no way!

I barely made it through Hades without my brain going "lol noooooope" and jumping out through my ear for escape.

But then again, who knows what the future can hold?


message 36: by Jazmin (new)

Jazmin lol awesome review :D


Allison dear Lord settle down child. Clearly you need some growing up if you're overreacting this much to something as insignificant as this...


message 34: by [deleted user] (new)

Aylin wrote: "Okayy I understand your ticked off but just cuz a book that hasn't came out yet is rated so high it mostly cuz they love da authors work or love the series! Maybe you wouldn't do that but your not ..."

LOL says the person who rants about someone's review. Someone is pressed! hahahah


message 33: by [deleted user] (new)

Gatorv19 wrote: "dear Lord settle down child. Clearly you need some growing up if you're overreacting this much to something as insignificant as this..."

and clearly you don't get the point of Goodreads. Gtfo.


Allison Midnight_Kiss wrote: "Gatorv19 wrote: "dear Lord settle down child. Clearly you need some growing up if you're overreacting this much to something as insignificant as this..."

and clearly you don't get the point of Goo..."



And how don't I? I'm just saying you don't need to freak out about something so insignificant. But you're a waste of time clearly stuck in high school. Grow up.


message 31: by [deleted user] (new)

Gatorv19 wrote: "Midnight_Kiss wrote: "Gatorv19 wrote: "dear Lord settle down child. Clearly you need some growing up if you're overreacting this much to something as insignificant as this..."

and clearly you don'..."


It's a public website, people can state thier opinions. Learn how to scroll.


Allison Midnight_Kiss wrote: "Gatorv19 wrote: "Midnight_Kiss wrote: "Gatorv19 wrote: "dear Lord settle down child. Clearly you need some growing up if you're overreacting this much to something as insignificant as this..."

and..."


Thank you captain obvious. Then I can state my opinion. I think you're immature and you need to learn to let the little things go and not to be a hypocrite. I see no reason to freak out at people for giving 5 stars to a book that hasn't come out yet. If they want to do that then let them, it's their life and their opinion. These people are just stating their opinions too. Like I said grow up.


Allison Cillian wrote: ""I see no reason to freak out at people for giving 5 stars to a book that hasn't come out yet.

I assume that doesn't apply to people like you who freak out over 1-star reviews, yes? Because I want..."


Ha! You'll noticed that I haven't commented on anyone else's review and you'll notice I'm not freaking out over anything just commenting on the immature language that was used. Notice how my language doesn't consist of vulgar language, bold and all caps letters or a bunch of exclamation points. Clearly you need to do your research.

Also I was just pointing out to this boy that he needs to get out of his high school mindset and get over the fact there are people who like this book and others who don't. I really could care less about what he had rated it. If he had rated it 5 stars and was ranting about another pointless thing then I would have commented too.


Allison Cillian wrote: ""Clearly you need to do your research. "

By research I assume you mean "reading"?
You're clearly confused about the meaning of both words, it's okay, I don't have high expectations of you.
John's ..."


Literally just pointing out the immaturity of the review that's all...


Allison Cillian wrote: ""Clearly you need to do your research. "

By research I assume you mean "reading"?
You're clearly confused about the meaning of both words, it's okay, I don't have high expectations of you.
John's ..."


Oh and yeah you can just keep on lashing out so childishly at me. All I've gotten from you are "insults" when I have done nothing to lash out at you.


Allison Cillian wrote: "If it's so immature, so clearly beneath a maturity icon such as you, milady, why are you wasting your time here?
Shouldn't you be doing the kind of things intellectuals do? I mean, obviously John a..."


I was just shocked that someone was so angry at something so small so I decided to voice my opinion and hoped they could learn. Which apparently I'm not allowed to voice my opinion according to your condescending tone. Get over yourself lady.


Allison Cillian wrote: "I really don't want to get over myself, lady, I'm enjoying this way too much, specially your plaintive whining about not being entitled to your opinion.
Priceless.
Oh, angels scourge my filthy soul..."


Haha okay do what you want; you keep having that high school mindset. Just don't get upset when the world walks all over you later in life. Have a great life!


message 24: by Choco (new) - rated it 1 star

Choco You know, I have a lot of patience for trolls. And sometimes, we actually have a nice little conversation.

Allison, I don't know what you're still doing here. And what's this about immature language, vulgar language and doing research? What does that have to do with anything? This is John's review, her opinions, and she can state them whatever way she wants.

As for you commenting. Yeah, sure, you have the right to comment and state your opinion, but if you don't do it in a nice respectful manner, then of course people are going dislike you. If you have anything to say about this series, write up your own review.

Also, for god's sake, look at the warnings John put up there.
MOST IMPORTANTLY, IF YOU ARE A FAN OF THE HALO SERIES DO. NOT. PROCEED. AT ALL. AND IF YOU DO PROCEED ANYWAY, NO LECTURING ON HOW GREAT OF A WRITER ADDIE IS AND HOW I NEED TO STFU, M'KAY? M'KAY!

Do you see why you're annoying now? And just because someone uses 'vulgar' language, doesn't mean that they're uneducated.


Allison Palice wrote: "You know, I have a lot of patience for trolls. And sometimes, we actually have a nice little conversation.

Allison, I don't know what you're still doing here. And what's this about immature langu..."


Hmmm yet you say nothing to Cillian who was way more disrespectful than me, which I don't think I was. I honestly don't care about her opinion of the series I was just pointing out her overreaction. Yeah I see the warning but like I said I was just pointing out how she overreacted. I also never said she was uneducated just that she needed to grow up since she feels the need to use language like that. Haven't you ever noticed it's the obnoxious high-schoolers and immature people that use language like that? By the way God should be capitalized. And incase you didn't notice there's other people pointing out the overreaction so it's not just me.


message 22: by Choco (new) - rated it 1 star

Choco Allison wrote: "Palice wrote: "You know, I have a lot of patience for trolls. And sometimes, we actually have a nice little conversation.

Allison, I don't know what you're still doing here. And what's this about..."


But John already said that this series flips her out. It's something that she doesn't like. You might think it's an overreaction, but to many others it's probably the RIGHT reaction.

And actually, I have profs that swear in lecture. Some people just use it for emphasis... or to try and calm themselves down.

I understand everyone's reaction to you perfectly, because when people come and tell me I'm wrong about a series I don't like, or I'm exaggerating or overreacting, I kind of get... very angry.

(I don't choose to capitalize god unless I'm referring to the god I believe in.)


Allison Palice wrote: "Allison wrote: "Palice wrote: "You know, I have a lot of patience for trolls. And sometimes, we actually have a nice little conversation.

Allison, I don't know what you're still doing here. And w..."


I never said anyone was wrong just that someone is overreacting. You put words into peoples mouths don't you? And yeah I have profs that do that too just not that excessively. I also never said you were overreacting.
(I don't care if you don't believe in God, it's just a respect thing okay? Even my philosophy prof that didn't believe in God capitalized His name).


message 20: by Choco (new) - rated it 1 star

Choco Uhhhh...
Did you read what I wrote? I thought I was being really nice and respectful. When did I say that you thought I was overreacting? I'm confused now.

Oh well.


message 19: by Choco (new) - rated it 1 star

Choco Cillian wrote: "Palice wrote: "Uhhhh...
Did you read what I wrote? I thought I was being really nice and respectful. When did I say that you thought I was overreacting? I'm confused now.

Oh well."

Welcome to ou..."


That's the problem with trolls...
:/
If only they remembered things.


message 18: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Jazmin - Thanks :D

Cillian, Palice, Midnight, Archer - You guys are awesome, not that you don't already know that. Cillian and Palice, where do you get that patience from?

Allison -

description

The door is over there. Bye bye now.


message 17: by Choco (last edited Jul 06, 2012 04:40PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Choco Hmmm, I'm not sure if it's really patience anymore. Maybe I'm just very slow at understanding what people are telling me. Are they being sarcastic? Serious? Are they kidding? Is it a trick?
:/
So I just try to ignore them. Until it gets annoying.


message 16: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Ha ha, you're not being slow. And it seems like patience to me. But then again, refraining from posting a condescending gif for over two messages is remarkable restraint to me.


message 15: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert I think the "if you have to say you're mature, you're not mature" rule applies very well here. Same with people who have to say they're taking the higher road. Dear everyone, everywhere: if you feel the need to call attention to it, there's probably a reason for that.

It was the part about "respect god by capitalizing his name" that got me rolling around on floor and giggling, though. I also think it's really funny how these trolls excuse themselves by saying "we have opinions too!!" Yeah, have your opinion... over there. I mean it's not like I go onto positive reviews, yell "THIS BUK SUX" and then when confronted about it go all "well it's jus my 'pinion lol".


message 14: by Choco (new) - rated it 1 star

Choco I find it annoying that I was told to respect 'God' and when I said it wasn't the same for me, she assumed I was an atheist.

Yes, because your religion is the only thing in the world. Other people with different faiths and gods don't exist.


message 13: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Cillian wrote: "It was remarkable how she couldn't stop repeating herself, almost like a very disturbing compulsion. She's clearly not all there *taps forehead*.
Exactly, whoever feels the need to repeat over and ..."


I almost feel a little sorry for her.

I mean, it's just hard for me not to pity someone so small minded. I hope she reads a book or two-of course, she has to learn how to read first-and you know, goes in the right direction. A direction to intelligence.


message 12: by John (last edited Jul 06, 2012 05:38PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Palice wrote: "I find it annoying that I was told to respect 'God' and when I said it wasn't the same for me, she assumed I was an atheist.

Yes, because your religion is the only thing in the world. Other people..."


How can a comment pulsating that much thoughtlessness and ignorance be made by a human being is the question, Palice.

I'm sorry, but a stupid person lecturing about god on a Halo review... the irony is just too much for me...


message 11: by Choco (new) - rated it 1 star

Choco I'm really glad I haven't touched this series.


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