For the Celebrity Death Match Review Tournament, Macbeth (30) versus The Complete Sherlock Holmes (19)

This early draft of Macbeth, recently translated from the original Klingon, casts new light on the play and has already caused its fair share of controversy. We present two extracts.
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MACBETH:

Surely no man suspects I killed the King?
Or if they do, they durst not breathe a word
Knowing our wrath...

ATTENDANT:

Well, actually, my lord
There's quite a few down at the bar who say
The whole thing stinks and something's going on
I think that if you went and called the cops
And told them to investigate a bit
Nothing excessive, sure, they know the drill
It might be smart.

LADY MACBETH:

Hush, fool, and still thy tongue
Another word will surely be thy last
And yet it might be good to make a show
Of seeking truth when all we want is lies
To this end have I summoned us some help
Two private dicks I'm sure we can control
I have them here.

[Enter HOLMES and WATSON]

Come in guys, don't be shy.

[To MACBETH]

I've told them everything they need to know

[She winks heavily at MACBETH and the ATTENDANT]

They'll start investigating right away
So all can see no coverup's afoot.

[HOLMES takes out his magnifying glass and starts examining the rug]

Have on't good sir, thy diligence to show!
And prove Macbeth is whiter than the snow.
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[Night in the castle. Without, the PORTER is taking regular nips from his hip-flask and has evidently been doing so for some time. Within, WATSON, alone, is waiting for HOLMES to return.

Enter MACBETH without]

MACBETH:

How now, my man? The night is bitter cold.

PORTER:

Marry, there be no night so cold that a drop of whiskey will not warm me. Ifaith, I say, more cold, that I may have the more occasion for to cure it! Many a time have I disputed this with the Englishman, but he is of another mind. What care I: he may partake of his white snuff, I of my trusty flask here, and we are both the happier. God save your Majesty!

[He takes another nip]

MACBETH:

What sayeth the Englishman?

PORTER:

He is a mighty one for secrets. He examines old stained clothes with his glass, and the marks of shoes, and he holds converse with the servants. And he writes in his book, and nods, and nods again. But why he nods, that I cannot tell ye.

MACBETH:

What has he said?

PORTER:

When eight bells sounded, I heard them together. I know, Watson, he said, and soon will I have proof.

[MACBETH starts violently]

Knowst thy Majesty whereof he spoke?

MACBETH:

I will ask him direct.

[MACBETH moves towards the door. Meanwhile, WATSON has been shivering, rubbing his arms, etc]

WATSON:

I never dreamed that Scotland was so chill!
My ears are freezing. I'll just put this on.

[He dons HOLMES's deerstalker hat and sighs in contentment]

How warm and comfy. Wait! What was that noise?

[He moves to the window and listens, turning his back to the door. MACBETH enters. Thinking he sees HOLMES, he stabs WATSON in the back. WATSON falls and MACBETH realises his mistake]

MACBETH:

Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool, farewell!
I took thee for thy better...

WATSON:

Hey, come on
That bit's from Hamlet. Oh, well, never mind.

[Dies. HOLMES has meanwhile entered, and is pointing something at MACBETH]

HOLMES:

Thou mangy, wretched, murderous damn'd dog!
I have thee covered: make no sudden moves.

MACBETH:

Covered? With what? Thy words mean aught to me
Threaten me not: no man of woman born
May kill Macbeth

[He moves towards HOLMES, still holding his sword]

HOLMES:

But hark! I am no man
Rather an android, sent from future times
To rid the world of such foul fiends as thee.
I know thou murderedst Banquo; Duncan too;
Lastly poor Watson. Let us make an end.

[He shoots MACBETH with his phaser]

MACBETH:

Jesus and Mary, none of this makes sense
And now you'll say you fired in self-defence.

[Dies]

HOLMES:

I will. This night shalt thou with demons sup
Okay, I'm done here. Scotty, beam me up.

[Exit, dematerialising]

FINIS