Jarod Kintz's Reviews > Waiting for Somebody to Double Park on My Chest

Waiting for Somebody to Double Park on My Chest by Jarod Kintz
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Sep 18, 11

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Quotes Jarod Liked

Jarod Kintz
“Dear Edmond,

When I got home last night I noticed that you were asleep. I also noticed that you had gone to Morton's Steakhouse and there were leftovers in the fridge. Renaldo and Ruprecht were asleep, so I examined the boxes a little more closely.

On them you had written "Edmond" and underlined your name. And then next to it you had written "Do Not Eat!"

So I honored your wish, and I ate all your food, thus removing the temptation for you to eat it. It was great! You're such a great friend, with a strong will, too. But even the strongest wills get tested. I know that just as much as you do.”
Jarod Kintz, Waiting for Somebody to Double Park on My Chest

Jarod Kintz
“Dear Edmond,

While you were sleeping this afternoon, I was busy hustling around town. You see, when I woke up early this morning to clean the apartment for the party tonight, I noticed that all your furniture was missing. And by all, I do mean everything.

So I raced around town trying to replace all your pieces. Fortunately, I did manage to pick up some new furniture. It looks exactly like your old furniture, only you're still missing the armoire that your grandmother left you in her will.

But the great thing is they have one that looks exactly like your grandmother's armoire at the pawn shop just up the road.

But there was some random good news today. In the cushions of the new sofa, the one that looks exactly like your old sofa, I found about $500 dollars. So I took the liberty of loading up the liquor cabinet and buying a keg.

But I don't want you to be depressed about your armoire, or worry about paying me back for buying you all new furniture. Just promise me you'll have a good time at the party. And since I know that you are disappointed about having to pick up another armoire at the pawn shop, I won't even make you go half with me on the booze. I wouldn't dream of it. Friends help friends out when they are in need, right? I couldn't possibly accept $250 dollars from you. But I know how you are. You won't accept any gifts, right? You're so freaking stubborn.

Well, if you really want to pay me back, you can slip the money in an envelope under my door after the party tonight.

We're going to have a crazy night tonight! So cheer up, buddy.”
Jarod Kintz, Waiting for Somebody to Double Park on My Chest

Jarod Kintz
“I decided to write this piece because my internal critic told me to write it. At least I think he told me to write it. You see, he only speaks French, and I don't speak any French, so sometimes there can be a lot of confusion. In fact, all I really know about Pierre is that he loves wine, croissants, and women with hairy armpits.”
Jarod Kintz, Waiting for Somebody to Double Park on My Chest


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