Baba ♥♥♥ Tyler, Marcus, Archer, Dean, Adrian, Dan & Hunter's Reviews > Fifty Shades of Grey

Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James
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0 stars. DNF @55%. Review edited February 12, 2015

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“Sex is more than an act of pleasure, it's the ability to be able to feel so close to a person, so connected, so comfortable that it's almost breathtaking to the point you feel you can’t take it. And at this moment you're a part of them.

- Author unknown -




I've had a rather long list of issues when I decided to abandon ship. FSoShit is garbage and if I had read a paperback I would have burned the fucking offending thing. It's a total mystery to me why this book ever saw the light of day because, let's face it, the writing is incredibly juvenile. The story and characters are extremely poorly written and I couldn't for the life of me connect with the dumb, clumsy, naïve and immature heroine.

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Also, the slimy whacko didn't deserve to be called hero. Christian is a highly manipulative, abusive and stalker-ish asshole. His whispers didn't endear him to me either. He came off as a total creep. I honestly don't understand what Ana saw in him, yet on the other hand, I didn't get it why Christian would stalk that bland and vapid wallflower. In any event, these two deserved each other and Ana obviously enjoyed Grey's blunt and crude approach.

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The whole contract business was pretty much mind-boggling. I don't believe that a healthy and consensual Dom/sub relationship could be based upon such crappy and ridiculous rules.

Christian, the rich Superman (sarcasm), deflowered our wallflower in a way that's not even worthy of losing any words over that pathetic fuck. So, you did guess right. I neither found the sex to be hot nor erotic. At.All. Thus, I'd better buy him a ticket to the next Mars expedition stat. That would ensure that Mr. Grey would not return to our cozy place called Mother Earth.

FSoG lacked depth and emotion big time. Except of disgust and anger I felt nothing towards these pathetic main protagonists and their fucked up trip bored me to tears.

The winking smileys irritated the hell outta me and all that inner goddess shit made me almost blow a fuse. Jesus.Fucking.Christ. Would you give me a break already? I've read a variety of erotica books and I do enjoy great smexin' that comes with some kind of depth and great characterization. However, I'm not sorry to say that FSoG is ranking among the worst erotica books I've ever read.

What's seriously bugging me as well is the fact that the general public thinks that FSoShit provides almost every woman's erotic fantasy. I don't criticize readers who loved this book but I'm criticizing the media coverage. I don't appreciate it when these people claim to know that's what a general majority of women love to read and want in real life (or in the bedroom for that matter). Seriously? Never. Ever. FSoG is bad erotica. It's bad BDSM too.

When people say FSoG is “empowering women in their sexuality,” then I think something is seriously wrong. Never ever could this story empower me in my sexuality. What in God’s name is on their minds? I can do it all by myself with my very healthy hand, and I can gladly say that my boyfriend is empowering me just fine and is taking care of my needs. Thank you very much. BTW, my boyfriend is not an abusive and manipulative stalker. Oh, yes, now it dawns on me…my boyfriend is real.


Bottom line, the barely there plot and the characters were overly shallow, underdeveloped, immature and boring. The amateurish writing killed any desire to read anything else by this author in the future. And last but not least, my inner goddess was so fucking relieved when she had to quit eventually. It was a very tedious and crappy experience and I wish I had never bought this book, let alone attempted to go through this rubbish. I was in dire need of bleaching my brain.

Christopher Hitchens said…

Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that's where it should stay.

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As a side note

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Reading Progress

09/19/2011
15.0% "The heroine, Ana, is often talking to herself. She's shy and clumsy and blushes constantly. Awwww, she'll step into the lion's den! I'm quite tense...I want to see how she'll handle Grey or should I better say it's the other way round. Until now, it's an entertaining read - rather hilarious. I like it!"
09/19/2011
22.0% "I am so not 'amused' right now. Because I've had my WTF?-moment when I read all those rules and a bit later when Ana lost her virginity. This was so not romantic. Hello?? *urgh* I do hope that this will improve..."
09/20/2011
35.0% "Gosh, I have to tough this out. Ana begins to seriously tick me off. She speaks and acts so immature. She’s not sophisticated. She got an e-mail with a winking smiley. Seriously! What almost 22 year old would get excited about a winking smiley?? I can’t hear this inner goddess shit anymore. Jeez, I plead with MY inner goddess: “Give me the strength to finish this book and let me survive this clusterfuck!”" 3 comments
09/20/2011
35.0% "I had not enough room before. So I continue now: When I read this contract/paper stuff...my oh my oh my...seriously, this is sick. I already enjoyed a lot of BDSM books. But this one here...I feel rather spaced out. I would treat my dog differently if I had one. And Grey seems really fucked up. :((("
09/21/2011
48.0% "Bad. Worse. Worst! I started to write my review today. There's so much stuff I don't appreciate here. Incredible! I don't have enough space here to voice it all. This is a huge disappointment. :(((" 6 comments

Comments (showing 1-50 of 274) (274 new)


message 1: by Wendy (new)

Wendy OMG, I've just added this to my TBR! Fancy that, hey? Well now I'm going to have to wait for your review, LOL.


Baba  ♥♥♥ Tyler, Marcus, Archer, Dean, Adrian, Dan & Hunter Wendy wrote: "OMG, I've just added this to my TBR! Fancy that, hey? Well now I'm going to have to wait for your review, LOL."

Wendy, Wendy...you said that you didn't want to use this button anymore! LOL Sorry, I was just kidding!

Yeah, will keep you posted. I read a few pages and it is rather funny. The heroine is a bit clumsy because she feels intimidated by Grey, the hero. Imagine, I think she's a virgin.


message 3: by Wendy (new)

Wendy Oh nooo, I can see it being a definite read?? Crap, I can't spend anymore money!!! We'll see :)


message 4: by Lori K (new)

Lori K So be specific, What don't you like?


Baba  ♥♥♥ Tyler, Marcus, Archer, Dean, Adrian, Dan & Hunter Lori K wrote: "So be specific, What don't you like?"

You can read my review. I had to cave in.


message 6: by Lori K (new)

Lori K OK, You do know that Gabrie's Inferno is ALSO a fanfiction based on Twilight?

Why are you buying his stuff that was free online based off Twilight?


message 7: by Lori K (new)

Lori K AND-in this version does he pull the tampon out of her so he can f*ck her?


Baba  ♥♥♥ Tyler, Marcus, Archer, Dean, Adrian, Dan & Hunter Lori K wrote: "AND-in this version does he pull the tampon out of her so he can f*ck her?"

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, I don't know!! What a sickooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!! Are you kidding me???????????


Baba  ♥♥♥ Tyler, Marcus, Archer, Dean, Adrian, Dan & Hunter Lori K wrote: "OK, You do know that Gabrie's Inferno is ALSO a fanfiction based on Twilight?

Why are you buying his stuff that was free online based off Twilight?"


But Gabriel's Inferno is SOOOOO way better than Fifty Shades...No, I didn't know that I could read this for free. As I mentioned I'm not familiar with fanfiction. And I should add something else: I don't watch TV anymore. I didn't watch Twilight. Really, I'm so not into this stuff. I'm 39.


Baba  ♥♥♥ Tyler, Marcus, Archer, Dean, Adrian, Dan & Hunter Lori K wrote: "OK, You do know that Gabrie's Inferno is ALSO a fanfiction based on Twilight?

Why are you buying his stuff that was free online based off Twilight?"


This Pattinson guy is SO NOT my type. I don't like boys. I prefer real men!


message 11: by Lori K (new)

Lori K Ha, ha. Yes he really did that. Now you can see why people were appalled when it got "published".


message 12: by Lori K (new)

Lori K Here, I downloaded off the database (that is top secret) a story called "Behind Enemy Lines". It is so good but the author pulled it.

It is M/F, bummer but if you want it email me and I'll send the pdf.

it's about an internationl aid worker and her boyfriend who get-what else, caught behind enemy lines.


message 13: by Lori K (new)

Lori K Everyone! I want to point out this was free online-I am not pirating or anything like that!


message 14: by Wendy (new)

Wendy Great review Barbara! I'm steering away from this one ;)


Baba  ♥♥♥ Tyler, Marcus, Archer, Dean, Adrian, Dan & Hunter Wendy wrote: "Great review Barbara! I'm steering away from this one ;)"

Thanks, Wendy! Your pile of books is big enough as it is. You'll find a better one. :)))


message 16: by Jill (new) - rated it 1 star

Jill Baba, great review! I got only a short way into the story and stopped. I also thought it was poorly written and found Ana very immature, even a bit stupid. We're on the same page for this one.

Btw, I keep meaning to tell you that I love your quotes at the top of your reviews. This one is particularly good.


Baba  ♥♥♥ Tyler, Marcus, Archer, Dean, Adrian, Dan & Hunter Jill wrote: "Baba, great review! I got only a short way into the story and stopped. I also thought it was poorly written and found Ana very immature, even a bit stupid. We're on the same page for this one.

Btw..."


Thanks, Jill! I do love all kinds of special quotes. And I think a good quote enhances the meaning of my reviews. This particular quote above IS PERFECT for this review. It says all!


Nikki Awesome review, Baba. And everything that I felt about this book. The writing was awful, Ana was awful. I did like Christian though, and their connection. I ended up giving it 3 stars.


Baba  ♥♥♥ Tyler, Marcus, Archer, Dean, Adrian, Dan & Hunter Nikki wrote: "Awesome review, Baba. And everything that I felt about this book. The writing was awful, Ana was awful. I did like Christian though, and their connection. I ended up giving it 3 stars."

Thanks, Nikki! What did you think about this tampon thing? Unfortunately I stopped reading before this particular scene...


Baba  ♥♥♥ Tyler, Marcus, Archer, Dean, Adrian, Dan & Hunter Kristen wrote: "Well said!"

Thanks, Kristen!


Nikki Baba wrote: "Thanks, Nikki! What did you think about this tampon thing? Unfortunately I stopped reading before this particular scene..."

Hmmm it's been over a month since I read it and the whole tampon thing is a little blurry to me. Did he pull it out or something? Or told her to? I dunno... a lot of what he did didn't really bother me at all. It was Ana and the writing that I could barely tolerate.


Baba  ♥♥♥ Tyler, Marcus, Archer, Dean, Adrian, Dan & Hunter Nikki wrote: "Baba wrote: "Thanks, Nikki! What did you think about this tampon thing? Unfortunately I stopped reading before this particular scene..."

Hmmm it's been over a month since I read it and the whole t..."


Well, a GR friend told me that he pulled it out so he could fu** her!! Ewwwwww!!!


Nikki Hahahaha you're so cute.


message 25: by Karla (last edited Oct 11, 2011 10:02AM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Karla Jill wrote: "Baba, great review! I got only a short way into the story and stopped. I also thought it was poorly written and found Ana very immature, even a bit stupid."

Yeah, I was getting that feeling just from Chapter 1.

-Sucky, flat writing
-Clumsy and idiotic heroine. Her little thought bubbles are all "Crap! Double crap!" Got old after the first time.

So I bailed. The Ammy Look Inside feature is such a blessing at times. :)


Baba  ♥♥♥ Tyler, Marcus, Archer, Dean, Adrian, Dan & Hunter Karla (Mossy Love Grotto) wrote: "Jill wrote: "Baba, great review! I got only a short way into the story and stopped. I also thought it was poorly written and found Ana very immature, even a bit stupid."

Yeah, I was getting that f..."


Lucky you, Karla! Better get 'tortured' by my boys than reading this book. Embarrassing...


message 27: by Karla (new) - rated it 1 star

Karla Yup, it blew all kinds of nasty chunks of awfulness into my eyes.

And I think everyone has a "everybody loved it but ___" shelf, or should. :)


~E~ Riverina Romantics I could rant for hours about this book but I am determined to bite my tongue....damn determined....


Baba  ♥♥♥ Tyler, Marcus, Archer, Dean, Adrian, Dan & Hunter Jodie wrote: "I could rant for hours about this book but I am determined to bite my tongue....damn determined...."

LOL! Don't hurt your tongue too much, Jodie!!


Taryn at My Secret Romance So I read a few reviews on this book before I started it. About 7% in, Christian smiled a certain way and all I could think about was how you said he was creepy because that's exactly how I felt when I read it! LOL Had to share with you.


Baba  ♥♥♥ Tyler, Marcus, Archer, Dean, Adrian, Dan & Hunter Taryn, this was so not my book even though a lot of readers loved it. Maybe I'm too old to like this story because it seems that a lot of readers who love it are very young and are fans of Twilight. I read it without knowing that the story was based on Twilight.


~E~ Riverina Romantics I loved Twilight Baba, but did NOT like this book.


Baba  ♥♥♥ Tyler, Marcus, Archer, Dean, Adrian, Dan & Hunter Jodie wrote: "I loved Twilight Baba, but did NOT like this book."

I believe you Jodie. But a lot of readers love this book because it's based on Twilight. And they don't care about an inferior writing style or other issues!


Baba  ♥♥♥ Tyler, Marcus, Archer, Dean, Adrian, Dan & Hunter Taryn-does it have romance? wrote: "So I read a few reviews on this book before I started it. About 7% in, Christian smiled a certain way and all I could think about was how you said he was creepy because that's exactly how I felt wh..."

Taryn, in case you'll continue to read the story, I'd like to get your insight on a particular scene. In order to have sex with the heroine Christian had to pull out her tampon! When I heard about THAT...*shudders* and ewwwwwww! You know what I mean?


~E~ Riverina Romantics I wasn't a fan of that scene either.


Taryn at My Secret Romance Are you effing kidding me??? So funny you said it was on Twilight. That's all I kept thinking about while I'm reading this! It's Twilight but for adults-and no vamps.


Baba  ♥♥♥ Tyler, Marcus, Archer, Dean, Adrian, Dan & Hunter Taryn-does it have romance? wrote: "Are you effing kidding me??? So funny you said it was on Twilight. That's all I kept thinking about while I'm reading this! It's Twilight but for adults-and no vamps."

I am so not kidding! LOL


Taryn at My Secret Romance The people who are finding this book so great and hot and erotic must like that scene! I'm sorry, but no one pulls my tampon out but me! LOL!


message 39: by Karla (new) - rated it 1 star

Karla Fifty Shades & Twilight fans (visual approximation):
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(I kid because I love.)


Baba  ♥♥♥ Tyler, Marcus, Archer, Dean, Adrian, Dan & Hunter Taryn-does it have romance? wrote: "The people who are finding this book so great and hot and erotic must like that scene! I'm sorry, but no one pulls my tampon out but me! LOL!"

Exactly! LOL


Baba  ♥♥♥ Tyler, Marcus, Archer, Dean, Adrian, Dan & Hunter Karla (Mossy Love Grotto) wrote: "Fifty Shades & Twilight fans (visual approximation):


(I kid because I love.)"


Oh, bad, bad girl, Karla! LOL


~E~ Riverina Romantics I found a review that stated that this was the 'most erotic book you will ever read'

I think I snorted my coffee out my nose at that statement. That lady needs to get out a little more.

I suppose nothing says 'erotic' like dirty tampons and timid bdsm.


Baba  ♥♥♥ Tyler, Marcus, Archer, Dean, Adrian, Dan & Hunter Jodie wrote: "I found a review that stated that this was the 'most erotic book you will ever read'

I think I snorted my coffee out my nose at that statement. That lady needs to get out a little more.


Jodie, maybe it's the only book she's ever read?? :))



Taryn at My Secret Romance That's some book she chose for it to be her first! LOL


Baba  ♥♥♥ Tyler, Marcus, Archer, Dean, Adrian, Dan & Hunter Taryn-does it have romance? wrote: "That's some book she chose for it to be her first! LOL"

Sorry, I was kidding! :))

I have a hard time to see anything erotic in this story...


~E~ Riverina Romantics You don't find a guy pulling out your tampon erotic??

My 'Inner Goddess' goes haywire when that happens and I get a little tingle 'down there.'

Sorry - I'm overdosing on sarcasm atm.

Another two issues I had with this book - the over use of 'inner goddess and the fact that the author couldn't call her girly bits anything other than 'down there'


Baba  ♥♥♥ Tyler, Marcus, Archer, Dean, Adrian, Dan & Hunter Jodie wrote: "You don't find a guy pulling out your tampon erotic??

My 'Inner Goddess' goes haywire when that happens and I get a little tingle 'down there.'

Sorry - I'm overdosing on sarcasm atm.

Another t..."


I totally agree, Jodie!!!!!!!!!!!


message 48: by Karla (new) - rated it 1 star

Karla The more I hear about the later part of the book, the more I'm glad I bailed after one chapter.


Baba  ♥♥♥ Tyler, Marcus, Archer, Dean, Adrian, Dan & Hunter Karla (Mossy Love Grotto) wrote: "The more I hear about the later part of the book, the more I'm glad I bailed after one chapter."

Aw, lucky you, Karla!!!


message 50: by Jill (new) - rated it 1 star

Jill You know I never did get back to this. One of my very rare DNFs.


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