Laura's Reviews > Vampire Kisses

Vampire Kisses by Ellen Schreiber
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's review
Aug 10, 2011

did not like it
bookshelves: so-bad-they-re-funny, fantasy, humor, romance, vampires, young-adult, reviews, lowest-quality-books-ever
Recommended for: Twihards
Read from December 14, 2011 to January 02, 2012 , read count: 1

Before I even read this book, I knew it would be horrible. But I also figured it would be super fun. You know when a book is so bad, sometimes you actually love it because it's so hilarious? That this book. I had read Once in a Full Moon before this, which is by the same author, so I assumed that the writing quality would be horrendous and the character shallow. I was very right.

Some names may be misspelled; I was recording my notes with a voice recorder.

The character of Raven is exactly what I expected her to be. A dense, shallow, stereotypical teenage girl who has no idea what's going on. She's the most hardcore Gothic she can be, which isn't really that Gothic because she acts like a six-year-old, and let's face it, six-year-olds just can't be that Gothic. She spends her free time putting on black lipstick. I ask you, how long does it take to put on lipstick? Swipe, swipe, you're done. Maybe get rid of any smudges or add more to one part. Then on page 14 she outlined her lips with lipstick. Tell me, how does one outline their lips with lipstick? Has she never heard of lipliner? And why is she even outlining her lips if she only has black lipstick on, anyway?

In gym class she's supposed to wear white-on-white, every time she wears black-on-black. Every time the coach naggs her about it. Why doesn't she just wear white? I hate wearing all white, but if it was school regulation, I would. It's just unrealistic. Also what is unrealistic is that she used to play in the cemetery around her grandmother's tombstone.

Here are some examples of how dumb she is. At one point she thinks maybe she turned into a vampire, so she goes through some experiments to figure this out. These are very thought out and researched. Reasons to disclaim the theory:

1. The mirror didn't hurt her.
2. She smelled garlic. It didn't hurt her.
3. She looked at the cross. It didn't hurt her.

Then after she goes trick-or-treating, she’s naming all these candies she got. And then, most importantly, spider rings and tattoos! Hello, if you’re a hardcore Goth, you should want more than plastic spider rings and temporary tattoos. They’re probably stupid butterflies, anyway.

Page 9:
"I have only one friend in Dullsville. A farm girl, Becky Miller, who is more unpopular than I am."

Page 10:
"I wasn't shy like Becky, but I was just as unpopular."

So one page you say how she's even more unpopular than you, and then right in the next page you're at the same level?

At one point she says that she thinks any vampire is sexy. So she thinks all these things are sexy?

And then there's Alexander. The "mysterious" boy who lives in the vampire mansion. First off, if you're a vampire, why are you doing the worst job in the world of covering it up? I'm pretty sure that if you were a vampire you would want to blend in, not make in known to everyone in the world what you are. And second, Alexander is not mysterious. He's boring. And Raven only likes him because he's a vampire.

I was thinking if it turned out that he wasn't a vampire it would be funny. But then I realized no matter how it turned out, it would be funny.

Eye-roller quotes:

Page 12:
"Could it be possible that the combination of the two vampire lovers couldn't be captured on film?"

Page 55:
“I was ready to make my escape when I felt something I’d never felt before. A presence.”

Page 83:
"My head started to spin like in The Exorcist." (So you're a huge horror movie fan and you can't even make subtle references? You have to pick one of the most famous ones and even spell it out for us?)

Page 94:
"We both slithered down the iron gate on opposite sides. The iron bars separated us, but not our friendship."

Page 97:
"I didn’t look back and made sure not to lose my footing and stumble and fall like in Friday the 13th movies." First all of, it should be the Friday the 13th movies. Second, why only Friday 13th? You mean every slasher movie in existence?

"We laughed in the moonlight, and I placed my free arm on his chest and hugged him, as my Gothic mate softly stroked my arm." (Mate? This from the girl who claims she's not even on a date. Does this mean she thinks she's a slut, since apparently she's slept with him but she's never been on a date with him?)

"He looked dreamy and gorgeous and somehow lonely. I wanted my Gothic vampire mate to kiss me now. I wanted his mouth on my neck and his soul within mine." (Does this sound a little dirty? "His soul within me...")

Page 150:
"'Listen, Raven, I have something to tell you,' she began in a nervous voice that was even more nervous than her normal nervous voice."

Quotes that I like:

Page 18:
“He was a bad boy, but he was a rich bad boy, which made him very boring.” (Well, at least Schreiber has the decency to point out her fail characters.)

Page 146-147:
"I had gotten totally caught up in the rumor mill, just like all the other Dullsyllvanians. I'm no better than they are, am I? We wear different clothes, but I'm just as shallow as they are." (No duh! You call your brother Nerd Boy even though he hates it, yet you get hurt when people are mean to you about being Gothic. You are a shallow hypocrite!)

A theory I've come up with:
This book was written in 2003. Twilight was in 2005. Maybe Meyer read this and thought, "A crappy, crappy, crappy vampire book! I'll improve on it 3%. Anything can be published after this." Maybe she’ll make a werewolf series next! And it might be 4% better than Once in a Full Moon.
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Reading Progress

12/14/2011 page 39
19.0% "I was taking so many notes that I decided to use the voice recorder on my Sansa instead... on page 15. That's sad."
12/28/2011 page 70
34.0% "I think I actually like reading this... so I can have fun destroying it in my review."
12/30/2011 page 125
60.0% "Black, black, black! EVERYTHING is black! I don't need to know that her entire outfit is black. I CAN FIGURE THAT OUT. Are you writing for 6 year-olds? Judging by the quality of writing, yes!"

Comments (showing 1-2 of 2) (2 new)

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Alisson Young Look. Are you always a bitch or is it just for putting down Young Adult Books? Dude reading your review is making me sleepy like it makes no sense, as a matter of fact I don't even want to deal with people like you who put down good books and good authors.
Aren't you aware that some people actually like this book?
Hell man, it's not my favorite book in the world but, it still good. Y'all who are writing long reviews about it aren't adding in the good parts either, read the other books to the series they get better by the book.

Laura If you don't want to deal with me, just don't?

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