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Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer
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Jul 23, 11

bookshelves: romance, unintentionally-funny
I own a copy

** spoiler alert ** Summary: Filled with disturbing scenes, still bland and unlikable characters, and conflicts that go nowhere, Breaking Dawn is easily the worst in a line of already lackluster books. Everything built up by previous books in the series is basically spat on and forgotten in what is easily one of the most boring and pointless books I have ever read.

One out of five stars.


Oh, Stephanie Meyer. I'm starting to wonder how you thought publishing this was a good idea at all. Did you even read what you wrote? I'm going to assume 'no', since anyone who reads this should be appalled.

Breaking Dawn takes everything that the Twilight saga was building up, smashes it on the head with a baseball bat, ties rocks around its feet, then kicks it violently off of a cliff into the raging ocean below, left to either drown or be smashed violently against the rocks. While the other three books are by no means stellar, they were at least quick, readable, and fun to laugh at. I'll be honest, I actually had very few issues with the first book in the series. I thought that the premise was overdone and that sparkling vampires were ridiculous, but I found nothing very objectionable about it. It was a fast read that could probably get reluctant readers into reading, much like Harry Potter, except not as good.

This... monstrosity... is nothing short of disgusting. The tone shifts from a sort of lighthearted, action-filled romance to dark, gritty, and uncomfortable right after the wedding scene. If there's any sign that Bella - the world's worst female role model, taking the trophy from Princess Peach - should have taken advantage of Edward's leaving in New Moon, it's the bruises and horrible wounds she suffers by having sex with him.

Now, granted, I'm not any expert on the ways of sex, but isn't it supposed to be pleasurable? Or at least not involve injuries beyond hickeys and possible bite marks?

The same scene - even if you ignore the fact that Edward nearly kills Bella during intercourse - also depicts one of the most cringe-worthy biological errors that anyone who did any sort of research could have avoided. The fact that Edward - who, like most vampires, has pale and hard skin "like a statue" - can have sex and impregnate his wife. What?

Don't the man-parts used in sex require flowing blood to, um, work? Humans are the one species that don't have a bone in their penises; instead, they require on blood rushing into them to harden. Not only that, but how is a person who has been dead for over a hundred years producing sperm?

Of course, this is the same book that claims that the two are having a honeymoon on an island near "the west coast of Brazil", so I don't know why I should expect otherwise.

The story plods along with her pregnancy, and we get a switch into Jacob's point of view. Cause during the entirety of the Twilight series, all I really wanted was Jacob's viewpoint. To his credit, though, he has a lot more personality in his big toe than Edward does in his entire body. Even if that personality is as flimsy and unlikeable as wet tissue paper.

The birth scene is disgusting and bizarre, again switching tones to describe a dark and brutal C-Section that Edward gives with his teeth. Giving birth nearly kills Bella, and it's only then that Edward decides to bite her. Yes, four books in and we finally resolve something that could have been included in the first book.

You see, there is literally no downside to being a vampire in Twilight. They're rich, beautiful, super fast and strong, and don't even have to eat humans. I don't understand why they waited so long to bite her, really. Makes no sense to me.

Anyway, as Bella tries to control herself, Jacob does what is probably the most controversial thing in this book. Yes, it's even worse than the horrible sex scenes and the terrifying birth scene.

He 'marks' Bella's daughter.

Who is less than a year old.

So basically, Jacob just became the wolf form of Pedobear. Good job, Meyer! That's so disturbing and wrong in every sense of the words. It doesn't matter that she'll be physically seventeen at around seven years old. She's still not mentally seventeen, and she technically has no choice in whether she wants to be Jacob's little sex slave.

Of course, all of the characters think this is awesome after about three pages of arguing, so that's never really explained.

The book also - in between creepy Jacob/Nessie scenes, pointless padding with the wolf pack, and mindless pandering about Bella's new life as a vampire - builds up to a fight that never happens. The Volturi show up, yeah, but the epic battle that was built up throughout three books (possibly all four, though Twilight didn't really mention the Volturi by name) never actually happens.

They talk out their issues like they're on Oprah or Dr. Phil, the Volturi basically say 'screw it' and leave, and the book ends on how Edward and Bella's new life together is gonna be awesome.

This book is not only terrible, but also boring. This was the only Twilight book that I couldn't read in just a few sittings, because I would always try and find something to distract myself while reading it. The characters don't develop at all unless it's in a negative light, and it ends on the most lackluster note thought possible in a series that advertised itself for its forbidden love and action-packed romance.

One out of five stars.
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