Y's Reviews > Breathless

Breathless by Dean Koontz
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's review
Jun 30, 2011

did not like it
bookshelves: audiobook, animals, author-dean-koontz, urgggghhhhh, setting-usa-co, zzzzz, adult
Read from June 30 to July 01, 2011

** spoiler alert ** .


Suddenly, Simians!


...would've been a much better title for the book. There wouldn't even need to have been any story. Suddenly, there were sentient simians is about all you need to know about the book.

Alternatively, The Mary Sue Monkeys might also be acceptable.

I think this one takes the cake. THE worst DK book I've read yet. Your Heart Belongs to Me and The Darkest Evening of the Year should be proud; though they're still awful, awful things, I could almost say I'd rather reread either of them, but come near me with a copy of Breathless and I will drop you with a shotgun.

Warning: CAPS and italics abuse follow.

There's just...there's just no freaking point to ANYTHING THAT HAPPENS in the book, on top of everything else that's just STUPID about it.

The main characters...why are they main characters? What's the point of them? They are the ultimate versions of Generic Good but Personality-free DK Male Protagonist and Generic Good but Personality-free DK Female Protagonist, but at least most GGbP-fDKM/FP are a central point to the story. If Grady and Camille were to get a bullet put into their head within the very first paragraph each are introduced in, would anything about how the story turns out have changed? No, not one bit. It would've still turned out exactly the same, with the MAGICAL CREATURES POPPING FORTH INTO EXISTENCE and making humanity worthwhile through the sheer will of their BEING.

They don't even have any particular development in terms of personalities, but WHAM BANG, they get these RIDICULOUS TRAUMATIC BACK STORIES. Does it matter that Grady is a vet? Does he ever actually need to use his sniper skills within the book? He threatens one Precisely One-Dimensioned Supremely Cartoony Evil but Pointless Bad Guy with it, a "bad guy" who is as pointless as the two protagonists. Nothing he does has any ill and/or long-lasting consequences on ANYTHING that happens within the book; he's just there for DK to bitch about something.

I know he loves to rehash themes and tropes like he bought them in bulk at a fire sale, but the Super Drugged-Out Psycho Bitch Mom and her Evil Boyfriend (Occasionally Husband) of one of the female characters (and it is always a female character) has been done before, multiple times. At least those had some sort of bearing on the character. Does this affect Camille in any way? It causes her unpleasant memories exactly once, during an utterly pointless interrogation, and supposedly had some flimsy part in why she became a vet, but other than that? There was absolutely zero reason why she couldn't have had a perfectly normal life, with two perfectly normal loving parents, and turned out EXACTLY THE SAME.

..I just realized that Grady is a vet(eran) and Camille is a vet(erinarian). HO HO HO [/hollow laughter].

And to add to even MORE POINTLESSNESS, you spend the entire freaking book wondering how the hell Murderer Twin and Ugly Hobo (frankly, the only interesting character in the entire damn book. His entire ordeal probably could've been fleshed out and made into its own book. Which would've been better than this one.) are going to have their plot lines tied into the main story. THEY DON'T. Camille meets Murderer Twin to absolutely no negative consequence, and Ugly Hobo sees SUDDENLY, SIMIANS and ends up rescuing some random chick due to it, and THAT'S IT. THAT'S ALL, FOLKS. You cut out their subplots completely, and IT DOESN'T AFFECT HOW THE STORY PLAYS OUT. AT ALL. YET AGAIN.


EVERY GODDAMNED CHARACTER IN THIS GODDAMNED BOOK IS SO COMPLETELY INCONSEQUENTIAL TO THE ENTIRE STORY THAT THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO FREAKING REASON FOR THIS BOOK TO EXIST AT ALL.

Here, go watch this gif for about three hours. You'll get more out of it than bothering to read this book.



At least the damn dog in this book wasn't a Golden Retriever. You know, I would love to read a DK book wherein the main dog is like...a Pomeranian. Or a Papillon. Or goddamn, a Chihuahua. It would be the best Koontz book ever.
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Comments (showing 1-5 of 5) (5 new)

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Kayla I'm glad to see someone feels the same way about this book as I do. I kept reading and reading waiting for him to pull everything together, and he never did. What a shame.


Audrey Coleman I feel the same way about Tom Bigger, the hobo. He needs his own book, dammit! :D


message 3: by Kim (new) - rated it 3 stars

Kim I like DK, but this book left me scratching my head. I was wondering if perhaps the chapter missing from the e-book version I read was the one that explained how Tom and Josef got into Kirsten's house….apparently not. WTF?


message 4: by Y (new) - rated it 1 star

Y I think DK just didn't care about this story. Maybe he had some good ideas, but when trying to put them together, they just fizzled out. Then he didn't care enough about the rest to make it anymore coherent...or something.


message 5: by Ada (new) - rated it 2 stars

Ada Angharad And why the 10 pages about that case of the big wig lawyer and his hip client about a murder and a hot chick? Why????


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