This is Jo. Please take care of her.

But beware.

This is a DANGEROUS baby.

Lily Larouche, famous actress, life of the party, and oddball, was missing for forty years. Then, thirteen years ago, she mysteriously woke in her dusty bed in her house dubbed the "ruby palace" with no memory of the missing forty years. In her washing machine was a crying baby with the above note attached.

Jo is now thirteen and used to life with her eccentric Aunt Lily, living in the desert and hanging out with Aunt Lily's peers. At her aunt's annual Christmas party, Jo notices a strange, fat Russian man in a uniform who seems to be hunting her. He introduces himself as Colonel Korsakov and says he has come to protect Jo. He's not sure what he is to protect her from, but his digestion has guided him faithfully for thirteen years and he trusts the mission it has sent him on this time as well. The next morning, after Korsakov has, in fact, saved Jo from a bit of peril--peril that he himself created--she meets his partner, Sefino, a giant, talking, upright cockroach with impeccable flair and style.

However, the black box that dropped out of the sky to assist Korsakov in saving Jo leads to all kinds of trouble. First, Aunt Lily, in one of her crazy fits, uses it to decapitate a friend, whose head flies around and tries to escape until they can recapture and reattach it. Then they are hunted by the evil Ken Kiang, whom Korsakov stole the box from, and get shot out of the sky as they flee him in Korsakov's airplane. Fortunately, they don't die after being downed in the ocean, but are swallowed by a huge fish. Momentous things happen in the fish's stomach before it vomits them up on a strange shore that is not of this world.

Then things get really weird.

I wish I could remember what review or recommendation led me to this book, because I have no idea why I checked it out or chose to read it. But I'm glad I did. It was imaginative, entertaining, adventurous, dark, and funny, both in alternating turns and simultaneously. Sometimes it became overwhelming and tedious and the characters and plot at times took a back seat to the absurdities, but not nearly so much as you might think from the brief description I've given. If you at all like the sound of what I've shared, I recommend delving in and giving this a try. Just beware the Belgian Prankster. And don't be surprised by the appearance of that evil Goddess, the All-Devouring Mother.

A few other specifics, both good and bad, saved until the end for their less essential nature. First, some things I loved:

Ken Kiang's motivation as the bad guy. He was a dynamic, genius millionaire with style and verve who had collected everything there was to collect and accomplished everything there was to accomplish, done ultimate good and more, until there was nothing to left to do and it all became tedium. So he set out to become evil as something new and unique. Evil! Who was evil anymore? The world was full of clods who were convinced they were doing the right thing. And even if they happened to sin interestingly, there was always their tiresome guilt--their ludicrous repentances--their pathetic attempts to lead a "better life"--But pure, methodical evil--who did that anymore?

Also, the group of knights known as the Order of Odd-Fish, a central group in the story and with whom Jo finds a home. Their mission is to research an appendix to the abandoned project to write an encyclopedia of ALL knowledge. " 'It is an Appendix of dubious facts, rumors, and myths,' " recited Colonel Korsakov. " 'A repository of questionable knowledge, and an opportunity to dither about.' That's from our charter," he said to Jo. "The bit about dithering is the most important. We are a society of ditherers." . . .

"I don't understand," said Jo. "Your Appendix is supposed to be unreliable?"

"Or useless," said Sir Oliver happily. "Unreliable or useless. We also print information that is out of date or contradictory. Though, I must stress, we never publish anything misleading." . . .

"There are many things in this world that we know a little bit about, but not enough to say we really know. Things that are vague, or only half understood. Or known once and then forgotten, or once thought to be true, and now thought false, but maybe they're really true, who knows? This stuff doesn't fit into the encyclopedia. It's too dubious. So we put it in our Appendix instead. Rumors, leads, myths, things that are maybe true, maybe not."

And all the headlines by newspaper the Eldritch Snitch use alliteration (Korsakov's Cowardly Cockroach Callowly Cringes, Cries in Catastrophic Combat), something I'm fond of and often catch myself unconsciously slipping into.

A couple of the best insult exchanges ever written. A quick bit of one:

"You are named Sleeping Bee," bellowed Zam-Zam, "but I shall wake you from your slumber and turn your own sting upon you, to pierce you with your own foolishness! Rivers shall run red with your blood, your name shall be cursed by generations, and your children shall be three feet tall, totally hairless, and perpetually drenched in their own stinking sweat! When I am finished with you, your body shall be torn asunder by five wild boars and buried in five ignominious places, each one more shameful than the last! I have spoken!" . . .

"Vile boaster! Just as I, Fumo, the Sleeping Bee, have defeated both Quafmaf, the Pigeon of the Moon, and Nixilpilfi, the Gerbil Who Does Not Know Mercy, so I shall dispatch you, Zam-Zam, to the realm of obloquy, and force to your lips the flagon of infamy! I have spoken!"

This quote: People will put up with being terrified, but no one will tolerate being bored.

And this philosophy: "When I was young, I noticed that the more I wanted something, the less likely it was that I'd get it. Therefore, it stood to reason that the less I wanted something, the more likely it was that I'd get it. The lesson is clear: if I have a problem, I ignore it--but I ignore it in an advanced, sophisticated way. Sooner or later the problem usually solves itself."

As to the forewarned negatives, the first I think is best captured by a quote from another book:These kids are all trying so hard to be weird. I'm genuinely weird, so I can spot the effort a mile away. Thus my use of the word "tedious" in previously describing the book.

And this is arguably a negative, because it's a positive if you are wanting to prepare for the vocabulary portion of a standardized test or simply tend toward that style of writing yourself (as those of you familiar with my reviews will know I do), but you'll probably need to read this with a dictionary in the other hand and a plentiful supply of patience for the dense, at times grandiloquent, and convoluted writing. It's not a quick read.