John Egbert's Reviews > Totally Joe

Totally Joe by James Howe
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How this book makes me feel:

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INTRODUCTION

I can not describe in words. I just cannot. I hold so much distaste and venom for this book that I will dissect the following conversation printed on the book jacket to, indeed, show you just one reason why I hate Joe.


"Everybody says you and Colin were kissing."

"What? That's ridiculous!"

"For heaven's sake, Joe, if you and Colin want to kiss, you have every right to."

"We did not kiss," I told her.

Addie shrugged. "Whatever."

What was it with my friends?


Addie, not only has been his best friend since they were, what little kids, and yes, unless she's a moron, knows that he likes Colin. Also? Why say "what was it with my friends"? You are gay. You are flaming. You expect them not to notice and then get annoyed when they do? I know it seems petty, but ooooh this is just the tip of the iceberg for Joe.

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STEREOTYPE HAVEN

description

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(If you can't recognize him, this is actually Kurt Hummel dressing up as a....well, he's pretending to be a....wearing the costume of....actually, no, I don't know what the hell he think's he's doing this time. Nevermind.)

The two biggest camp gay people I could think of. Bruno Mars, and yes Glee Fans, Kurt I-Am-A-Gay Hummel. I know adding his middle name was mean, but that is my point. THIS IS ALL THESE CHARACTERS ARE. They both stereotypical gay males. Feminine, (haven't seen Bruno yet but I've heard) high-maintenance, annoying as Fuck (yes, capital), and finally? OVER. FRICKEN. DONE.

If I see or even HEAR of one more feminine gay dude in ONE MORE GOSHDARNED BOOK, I WILL SCREAM.

Stereotypical Gay Check-List

Played with dolls when little? Yes.
a. Barbie dolls? Yes
b. Hated "manly" things, like GI Joe? Yes.

Talks with "omigods" and "totally"s? YES.

Generally sounds like an annoying as hell eleven year old girl? OMIGOD, yes.

Doesn't "get" football, even though dad and older brother/sister watch it? Yes.

Crush on person described by you as "jock"? Yes!

Said person is closeted gay/not gay at all? Yes.

Do you not respect/don't really like/grown apart from your female friends? Yes.

(If you answered 5 or more of these questions, you COULD be a stereotypical gay person in a YA novel! WATCH OUT!)


I mean, it's not like I can't take a joke. I like stereotype characters when they're played for laughs, lampshaded, or for God's sake at least pointed out by ONE character! But Joe is not only supposed to be taken seriously, he is our main character and we are supposed to like and actually be interested in him and his annoying existence.

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WHY SHOULD I EVEN CARE?

I don't. Honestly, I couldn't even finish this one. I got something like halfway through before I just had to put it down. Joe was just so annoying, everything was pretty boring, and combined the two were infuriating.

I don't even know what he saw in Collin. It seems like anything jock and hot these moronic characters seem to fall for. Both sexes. It's annoying. Can these people actually have personalities or something remotely likable about them before they're hailed as SOULMATE BOYFRIEND LOVER BOYFRIEND SOULMATE!

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THE FINAL ACT

Conclusion?

A reader needs incentive to finish or even like a book. This incentive? Decent characters, interesting plot, anything except for nothing. And what did I get from this book? LESS than nothing.

I'm going to have to surprise dropkick some people to get all of this anger out.


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I can't even get joy out of surprise dropkicks anymore. :(

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ADDITION

After scrolling through quotes on the sidebar, I found this gem:

I never thought I could write this much and now that it's coming to an end, I feel sad that I have to stop, sort of the way you feel at the end of a really good book and you know you're going to miss the main character. But in this case, the main character is me! Myself. Joe (formerly JoDan) Bunch.

BWAAHAHAHAHAA OHGOD OHGOD YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME AHAHAHUUAHAAAAAHHAHAHA

....okay, okay I think...I think I'm through *wipes eyes*

Joe, formerly JoDan, Bunch? I find it hard to miss you, or feel sad that I stopped. And this was not a "really good book".

The "subtle" programming failed. Nice try.
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Comments (showing 1-29 of 29) (29 new)

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message 1: by Kaia (new)

Kaia ...I'm not sure the Bunnicula guy should be writing about gay kids. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love Bunnicula, but still...


message 2: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Moorchild wrote: "...go on?"

Oh, I will. I WILL. *seeths*


message 3: by John (last edited Jun 24, 2011 04:27PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Beth wrote: "...I'm not sure the Bunnicula guy should be writing about gay kids. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love Bunnicula, but still..."

No offense to him or anything, but I'm not even sure Joe is a gay kid. You have to be a human first to be a kid, right? And then after human you can be gay.

Joe is just...something else.


message 4: by Bronwyn (new)

Bronwyn I remember reading the prequel of sorts to this (The Misfits) when I was in elementary school and thinking it was awesome. I never picked up Totally Joe though.


message 5: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Bronwyn wrote: "I remember reading the prequel of sorts to this (The Misfits) when I was in elementary school and thinking it was awesome. I never picked up Totally Joe though."

I would not recommend it. If The Misfits was worth anything, this would simply degrade your experience.


message 6: by [deleted user] (new)

Flipping awesome review, Severus. And...I agree.

What the shit?

Never heard of Totally Joe, never came across it at work and hope I never do.


message 7: by Kira (new) - added it

Kira Michelle Obama FTW.


message 8: by Kaia (new)

Kaia I think I'll stick to Bunnicula. Sounds like James Howe writes far more realistic vampire bunnies than he does gay kids.


message 9: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Mocha ღ wrote: "Flipping awesome review, Severus. And...I agree.

What the shit?

Never heard of Totally Joe, never came across it at work and hope I never do."


Thank you, Latte, thank you :)

Yes, yes please you don't want to put yourself through this! It's like lobotomy, only you just feel angry afterwards and not happy.


message 10: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Kira wrote: "Michelle Obama FTW."

Agreed XD


message 11: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Beth wrote: "I think I'll stick to Bunnicula. Sounds like James Howe writes far more realistic vampire bunnies than he does gay kids."

Sadly, I think I'll pick up that before picking up anything else he's written. He just can't write real people, from what I've read. Maybe the bunnies are his calling.


message 12: by Kaia (new)

Kaia Severus wrote: "Beth wrote: "I think I'll stick to Bunnicula. Sounds like James Howe writes far more realistic vampire bunnies than he does gay kids."

Sadly, I think I'll pick up that before picking up anything e..."


Bunnicula is adorable, but it's for a very young age, just FYI.


message 13: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Haha, yeah I suppose it is sending off those vibes of youngness...


message 14: by Choco (new)

Choco Hahaaaa, great review :-D


message 15: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Thank you :)


message 16: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Ha, yes that would be very nice. At least I still have a chance of warning people about this atrocity before they read it. Be prepared for anything, as I always say.

Thank you! I'm glad you liked the review :)


message 17: by Jazmin (new)

Jazmin This was an AWESOME review XD


message 18: by Keri (new) - added it

Keri uhhh...that's not bruno mars. that's sacha baron cohen from the movie bruno.


message 19: by Circus Princess (new)

Circus Princess Oh, jeez. If you hate over-done gays, you'd despise Evermore's Miles. Miles is constantly talking to his boyfriend and calling dudes hot and hanging out with only girls and crap----seriously? Like, what the hell. We get it. You're gay.

My friend forced me to watch showed me a Degrassi parody by Shane Dawson the other day (which actually ended up being a little funny, mostly because of Marco). There was this one dude named Marco, and throughout the entire thing he kept saying he was gay.

Hi, I'm Marco, and I'M GAY!

Uh, Hi, I'm Shane.

SHANE? That rhymes with BLAINE, and that's the name of the son I'm going to adopt from England because I'M GAY!




It reminded me of how all these books portray gay people.


message 20: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Rissa wrote: "This was an AWESOME review XD"

Thank you!!


message 21: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Keri wrote: "uhhh...that's not bruno mars. that's sacha baron cohen from the movie bruno."

Well, excuuuuse me :P


message 22: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert Demolition-Lover wrote: "Oh, jeez. If you hate over-done gays, you'd despise Evermore's Miles. Miles is constantly talking to his boyfriend and calling dudes hot and hanging out with only girls and crap----s..."

MY JESUS. I heard about Miles, but was never actually able to get past a certain point in Evermore to get to him. I do get what he is, though, it's not complex. Another stick person with one trait bashed over the readers head's constantly. ARGH WHY. JUST WHY. Personally, I'd rather not be mentioned at all then made on the level of some...pet. But, hey, what can you do...besides write long and rantish reviews about it :P

AHAHA! I so have to find that parody. (I watched some Degrassi, I like it, mostly. But there are still some bones I have to pick with it. Hm...another idea for a rant, perhaps, for later? Yay!)


message 23: by Circus Princess (new)

Circus Princess The parody's here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=...

I copied it at the point where I got the Blaine quote from, but you can drag the thingy to play it from the start.


message 24: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert LOL! Thank you!


message 25: by Lauraadriana (new)

Lauraadriana This is seriously one of the most entertaining reviews I've read. Well Done :O)


message 26: by Experiment BL626 (new)

Experiment BL626 Demolition Lover wrote: "The parody's here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=...

I copied it at the point where I got the Blaine quote from, but you can drag the thingy to play it fr..."


LMAO, thanks for that link. Frigging LMAO. XD


message 27: by Circus Princess (new)

Circus Princess Experiment wrote: "Demolition Lover wrote: "The parody's here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=...

I copied it at the point where I got the Blaine quote from, but you can drag..."


Your welcome :) I love finding funny/awesome videos on Youtube. It's like a hobby.


message 28: by Sean (new) - rated it 3 stars

Sean So John, what sort of fiction should be written to speak to the kids are pretty much just like Joe? I know and have known several of them. Joe is totally recognizable to me. Your venom toward Joe could surely be taken as venom toward the very real kids just like him, kids who could use a bit more understanding.


message 29: by Jackie (new)

Jackie That's not Bruno "Mars"


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