Michelle Earls's Reviews > It Occurred to Me

It Occurred to Me by Jarod Kintz
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May 20, 11



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Quotes Michelle Liked

Jarod Kintz
“I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, "At least he's not a complete boob.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“I don't like customer service, because I don't believe the customer should have to pay and help out too.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“They say you fear what you don't understand. Maybe that's why every time I'm in South Florida, and I hear someone talking in Spanish, I always shit my pants.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“If girlfriends were knees, I'd love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it'd be easier to run around on them.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, I’m still going on about her.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“I wish the masses of people would all follow my advice, because I'd throw it off a cliff.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“If I were an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I looked so familiar, I'd respond in a raspy voice, "Your brother ran over my brother.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“If I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late, I'll always arrive on time.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“I once got attacked by a bearskin rug, two days before it was a rug.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn't cheer so loud when I'm trying to sleep.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“I will never buy a fish tank, because I don't believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“Yesterday I memorized Shakespeare, and tomorrow I'm also going to memorize his first name.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's teeth. Locating them wasn't really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I'm 42.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz
“A banker is a man who will lend you the short sleeve shirt off his back and demand a long sleeve one in return.”
Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me


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