Astraea's Reviews > The Land of Painted Caves

The Land of Painted Caves by Jean M. Auel
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Sep 15, 11

1 of 5 stars
Recommended for: Nobody!
Read in May, 2011

I can save you the trouble of attempting to plough through Ms Auel's Potteresque doorstop in a few easy sentences.

(view spoiler)[1) Ayla, who has become increasingly superpowered with each book, is described in the first chapter as having been born with heightened acuity in all her senses, but not realising just how unique she is. Why didn't we know about this before? And what about the detailed descriptions in Clan of the Cave Bear of how Ayla had to work hard to learn all these skills because she didn't have inborn knowledge? Wouldn't her years of hunting practise heighten her acuity? Is Auel just making up things as she ... nah, couldn't be.

2) Ayla continues to work as a healer, and takes Zelandoni lessons.

3) Note to Auel: When you are writing the verses to chants or songs in another language, especially sacred ones, do not, I repeat, do not try to make the words rhyme in English. No matter how compelling or beautiful the original, you'll end up with fourth-form tyro drivel.

3) Ayla explores a lot of caves with beautiful wall art, like visiting a lot of museums. Along the way, she accidentally discovers evidence that one of her fellow Zelandoni apprentices has been cheating on his OWLs. The poor guy gets kicked out and told to study a craft or something.

3a) I like this so much that I'm going to quote from it: "We have foreshadowing multiple times that something bad is going to happen to Ayla, particularly that a band of evil bad rapist men are going to kidnap her and drag her off. But no. They grab her and Jondalar somehow miraculously goes from in front of the evil band of rapist men to behind them, breaks the leather-thong assisted choke-hold the dude has on Ayla, and saves her from them. Then the Zelandoni beat them to death in an instance of mob justice. Well. At least something sort of happened?"

4) Ayla gets pregnant again, but loses the baby. She and what's-his-name have another breakup. He goes off and does it with his old girlfriend, who has always had it in for Ayla. Ayla goes off and does it with someone else, during a festival where it is proper to do it with anyone you like. What you may call it becomes very annoyed, especially since he now believes that sex makes babies, and delivers a terrific beating to the party in question, meanwhile bellowing "He's making MY babies!" which doesn't even make sense. Blame it all on the barma, I suppose. (I was actually hoping that the two of them would end up mating with other people, so that there would be at least a bit of a surprise. Nothing doing.)

5) Surprise! Sex makes babies! The people accept this and coin the word "fa-ther", etymology as follows: "Fa" in Zelandoni means "to do with men", and there is a "fa-lodge" where fellas hang out and scratch, burp, watch football, drink barma, &c. Fair enough. However, the priestess also says that "fa-ther" comes from combining the words "far mother" together. The man is the child's far-mother or fa-ther. Huh? Don't they speak Zelandoni or something?

6) Ayla, understandably upset by everything that's happened, makes herself a bowl of the sacred Clan medicine, gives a taste to the Reverend Mother and drinks the rest herself. She sees that she has wrecked the entire Mother Goddess religion and early Cro-Magnon culture with her insights about "men's essence" thereby creating internal combustion engines, airplanes, freeways, Jersey Shore, and the Bush Administration.

7) Ayla is near death from excessive ingestion, but what's his name comes back and saves her. Fade out on them swimming in the river, happily ever after.

Annoyingly enough, we never learn Ayla's real name, or find out who her people were. The original mystery, the thing that kept us reading, has just gone off into endless repetition of non-essential details.

(hide spoiler)]

I detest the term "Mary Sue" flung about lightly to describe any gifted, beautiful or assertive female character, but Auel's descriptions of Ayla fit the bill to a faretheewell. I wouldn't even mind this so much if she had actually bothered to tell a story and finish the story she started with.

A. Temple

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Comments (showing 1-14 of 14) (14 new)

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message 1: by Ann (new)
Jun 25, 2011 05:50pm

Ann Thanks


message 2: by Tracy (new) - rated it 1 star
Sep 17, 2011 07:33pm

Tracy Perfect review.


message 3: by Astraea (new) - rated it 1 star
Sep 21, 2011 02:16pm

Astraea Ann wrote: "Thanks"

You are most welcome. God, that was annoying.


message 4: by Meghan (new) - rated it 1 star
Oct 09, 2011 04:49pm

Meghan I had to laugh when I read your review - especially the part about the evil rapist men. I definitely won't be reading this one... too bad, it was such a great series beforehand too.


message 5: by Astraea (new) - rated it 1 star
Oct 09, 2011 08:19pm

Astraea Meghan wrote: "I had to laugh when I read your review - especially the part about the evil rapist men. I definitely won't be reading this one... too bad, it was such a great series beforehand too."

Thank you! Go here for more from the reviewer who wrote the 'evil rapist men' paragraph... :)


message 6: by Lady (new) - rated it 1 star
Nov 10, 2011 05:37pm

Lady Don't forget the Obama Adiministration, Kim Kardashian, and speedos.


message 7: by Astraea (new) - rated it 1 star
Nov 11, 2011 02:39pm

Astraea Lady wrote: "Don't forget the Obama Adiministration, Kim Kardashian, and speedos."

And the Tea Party, and loud bass on auto stereo systems, and American Idol.


message 8: by Lady (last edited Nov 11, 2011 06:54pm) (new) - rated it 1 star
Nov 11, 2011 06:38pm

Lady Astraea wrote: "Lady wrote: "Don't forget the Obama Adiministration, Kim Kardashian, and speedos."

And the Tea Party, and loud bass on auto stereo systems, and American Idol."

Ah, so true! May the Gods Above deliver us from the likes of Sarah Palin & Harassment Herman Cain. (And Dancing With the Stars.) ;)


message 9: by Liz (new) - rated it 2 stars
Nov 28, 2011 04:27pm

Liz Ohlhausen Great summation. I mean, even Ayla got bored with the caves...


message 10: by Belinda (new) - rated it 1 star
Dec 06, 2011 09:07pm

Belinda And how believable is it to read about pre-history men and women going on a long journey to look at paintings by pre-historical man? They had the time for that? The energy? I think it's fair to say that they'd have been off hunting for their winter supplies and breast-feeding baby No. 10, the only one that survived a year.
Yes! You didn't learn names or origins. It was ridiculous! Ayla just became an overly emotional Yummy Mummy and lost all her stoic independence. Sucked!


message 11: by Josh (new) - rated it 2 stars
Jan 05, 2012 04:40pm

Josh Reading this book was totally worth it just so I can understand hilarious reviews like this.


message 12: by Kimberley (new) - rated it 2 stars
May 03, 2012 05:10am

Kimberley Thankyou! I started to read this book and figured Jean Auel has forgotten how to actually write, gave up about a quarter of the way in, reading was almost equivalent to torture, severely disappointed after waiting so long...


message 13: by Adrea (new)
Aug 12, 2012 09:55am

Adrea Agreed, her "conclusion" to this series was pathetic, dull, and just disappointing. I loved the first few books, and I finished the last couple just for the sake of it. Despite an annoyingly repetitive reading style, I admit I was addicted to this series - I had to read them all! Auel really should've quit while she was ahead. (and I should have too)


message 14: by Matthuvius (new) - added it
Apr 26, 2013 12:17pm

Matthuvius Manhandlinglambs Worst. Book. Ever.


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