faeriemyst's Reviews > Secrets

Secrets by Francine Pascal
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Disclaimer: I am not a teenager or preteen, but an adult. Supposedly. Everyone keeps telling me I am but I'm not sure I'm buying what they're selling. Therefore my views are based from that perspective rather than someone in the target age range. I inhaled these suckers when I was young, hale, and hearty, so in an apparent moment of weakness have decided to re-visit one of my favorite old series in a fondly-remembered, tongue-in-cheek, and mostly sarcastic approach. So since I couldn't manage to devise a rating system for SVH books, I came up with this little way to have some fun, which is in the review form you will (hopefully) read below. :)

Cover Models: Elizabeth and Jessica
Elizabeth looks utterly scandalized at what Jessica is gleefully saying to someone on the phone.

Page count: A whopping 118 pages

Special Event: A fall dance.

Number of times "a hundred and thirty-seven" was mentioned: Once, on page 87.

Mental Illness of the Week: It's a tie.
Jessica has psychotic episodes, two, three times, I don't know I lost count. Ronnie will eventually control, abuse, and kill his future wife. A very scary dude.

Jessica's Bitchyness scale: ***** (out of five)
I have the feeling this will be permanently stuck at five.

WTFery Meter: *** stars (out of five)

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Quotes & Snarky comments:

"Frankly," Jessica said, "I can't imagine what a cute guy like Ronnie sees in that little creep."

"Liz seems to like her pretty well, too," commented Cara, casting Jessica a sidelong glance.

"Liz!" Jessica snorted in disgust. "Listen, Cara, my sister has absolutely no taste when it comes to picking friends. It's positively embarrassing! I mean, what if some thought it was me hanging out with Enid?"
- page 24
Since this book is all about Jessica destroying Enid's reputation, there are plenty more degrading comments concerning Elizabeth's best friend. I didn't even bother to write them all down. Too much work.
"Elizabeth was left to wonder why, if Jessica was doing her such a big favor, she was the one making all the sacrifices."
- page 75
Because you choose to do that, Liz.
"She'd (Jessica) been acting strangely secretive these past few days, Elizabeth thought, wondering what she was up to. With Jessica, you never knew."
- page 87
Wrong, with Jessica, you always know what she's up to: scheming to ruin someone's life and reputation so she can get her own way and end up on top.
"Enid," Elizabeth admonished, "there is a point at which you can be too forgiving."
- page 108
This from the Queen of Doormats.
Who could hate her enough to do such an awful thing to her?

Suddenly Jessica remembered about the funny way Elizabeth had been acting earlier that evening. She remembered Elizabeth saying that Winston would make some lucky girl a wonderful king. It had to be! Who else but her own twin would be jealous enough of her to want to stab her in the back? She'd always know Elizabeth was jealous. And why not? Jessica was a thousand times more popular, she told herself.
- page 112/113
God, delusional much. Someone's got problems.

Final thoughts:
The books in the Sweet Valley High series may be short, but my brain hurts from the stupidity of it all. I think several of my brain cells surrendered their own lives whilst reading Sweet Valley High: Secrets. Let us pay our respects with a moment of silence.

Previous review: Double Love
Next review: Playing With Fire

Any suggestions on what else I could look for during future torture readings are always welcome.
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Comments (showing 1-10 of 10) (10 new)

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message 1: by Lolly's Library (last edited May 15, 2011 12:02PM) (new)

Lolly's Library I like your reviewing system; your SVH: WTF? is genius. Your brain might hate me for this, but I say you keep going with the series, until your brain just totally rebels and walks off in a huff. LOL


faeriemyst Thank you, thank you. :D I kept trying to think of some way to make this easier because I'm finding it impossible to write a normal review for these books. Or any kind of review for that matter. :/ Hmm, I'm pretty sure my brain got ahold of a butcher knife. Better sleep with one eye open tonight. ;P I'd like to see my brain try to wiggle out and walk off in a huff. LMAO

While pondering what else I could add to SVH: WTF? , I also thought of how many times Liz pokes her nose into someone else's business, or maybe forgives Jess (nah, that would get exhausting), and then there's counting Jessica's slurs against Enid...oh, and perhaps Winston too. So many possibilities, but I'm trying to pick the best of the best. Wait a minute, I forgot Steven. Maybe I should list when he's visiting since he's seems to hang around Sweet Valley more than at college. :D Oh, and there's always Mr. Collins and his pervy-ness. Help! ;D


Lolly's Library Well, I think you struck the perfect way to do so. I don't think it's possible to write a normal review for these books. You have to make the review unique; either that or turn it into a drinking game. There really are no other options. ;D Oh dear. Maybe I ought not to sleep at all! LOL Yeah, me too. :D

Definitely do how many times Liz pokes her nose into someone else's business, that's a good one (and, yes, her forgiving Jess would be an exhausting list) and maybe do Jessica's slurs...against everyone, which she's good at. Steven and Mr. Collins' pervy-ness could be included in an 'Oddball' column, a place for general occurrences which might not pop up in every book. *shrug* I don't know, those are my best thoughts. :P


faeriemyst I'm glad something went right for once. :D I'd like to see a normal review on these books. Just as an experience. LOL Yeah, someone already has the drinking game taken, and as you know, I don't drink. Even if I did, I couldn't imagine mixing SVH and alcohol being a good idea. Can you say alcohol poisoning? 8O Don't worry, my brain is rather tired so no midnight murder madness tonight. ;P

Now that I've pondered things over, I'll give a couple of them a test run, but besides Mr. Collins' pervy-ness, I don't know if the others would fit in as well as the others (or be as easy to notice, I want things that stick out). Except instead of Jessica's slurs, which again could be exhausting, maybe have her Victim-O'-the-Week, which is either who she's trying to destroy and/or who she's trying to date. :D I do like the 'Oddball' idea though.


Lolly's Library I'd like to see the person who could write a normal review of these books. He or she would have to be quite special. :D Yeah, I know, I remember when you sent me that link to the SVH drinking game. Frankly, I can't see mixing the two as a good idea either. Alcohol poisoning, alcohol coma, instant liver failure. 8O Oh, good, because I need my sleep. LOL

I like the Victim-O'-the-Week idea; it could go with the Jessica's Bitchyness scale. :) Glad to have helped.


faeriemyst Do you think we could find that person in the Smithsonian? :D

I was trying to be all equal opportunity between the twins, but Jessica pisses me off so much more and I just can't think of a good Liz-ism to add. Maybe after I read a couple more -- *shudder* -- it'll show itself. :D


Lolly's Library Possibly, or in the Mutter Museum where they keep all the oddities. ;D

Shudder indeed! There's got to be some way to include Liz's doormat ability, but I just can't think of one. Hmm.


faeriemyst LOL Maybe. :)

Time will tell. :/


message 9: by Orsolya (new)

Orsolya Haha hilarious! I devoured ALL the Sweet Valley series as a child.


faeriemyst Thanks! :)


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