Janina's Reviews > Sweet Valley Confidential: Ten Years Later

Sweet Valley Confidential by Francine Pascal
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's review
May 02, 2011

did not like it
bookshelves: adult-fiction
Read from April 30 to May 01, 2011

I am on page 27 and I am torn between wanting to laugh or cry...or possibly laugh and then toss this book at the wall. I won't though; it's not mine. And since my boss was super-awesome and got this when I suggested it to her, I will refrain from hurting this book the way it's hurting me.

I have this image in my head of Jessica Wakefield, the girl I grew up wanting to be like when I was an impressionable pre-teen and thought Sweet Valley Twins and Sweet Valley High was high literature. Now I see her as one of those mall rats from the 80's who are fluent in Valley Girl. Yes, I get the obvious joke/pun/irony/what have you there - she's from Sweet Valley speaking Valley girl, but I swear to God I am expecting her to say "For sure!" and "That is so, like, grody!" and "I would so not, like, do that!" In fact, I think she did say that last one. Minus the like. Still equally as annoying.

All right I am guilty of using "like" a lot, but seriously, this is 80's Valley Girl. I wonder if she is wearing neon and chewing a wad of gum like a cow. I just read this passage where in one page she is talking about how Elizabeth is prettier than she is - um, yeah, you do remember that you're twins and look alike, right? And that unlike Prudey McPrude, Mayor of Prudey Town, Elizabeth Wakefield, you have better fashion sense than that boring cable knit sweater freak. Elizabeth should have been around in the 1800's. Or the Victorian era where you couldn't show an ankle lest some dude decided to get jiggy with it with you in his freakin' carriage.

I digress.

So, Jessica says one page how much better looking Elizabeth is and then the freaking next page she is wondering why Elizabeth is being noticed by Bruce Patman and Todd Wilkins! You already went on for over a paragraph about how much better and prettier you think she is over you and now you're wondering why these high school tards are noticing her? Reaally?

The last sentence that had my head reeling..."And in pure Jessica form, there was like so no other choice." Valley girl. Neon. Rolled jeans. Big, frizzy hair. Snapping gum. Just sayin'.

So, the drinking game I saw the other day in regards to this book is getting another addition to it: Shot every time Jessica talks like a Valley Girl.

I am reeling right now from the party scene I just read that Todd and Jessicca go to and how Jessica is dreading it because she and Todd are such fodder for gossip. Due to that one time they slept together five years prior and a series of lunch dates that went on for a month. Eight months prior to the start of this book is when Elizabeth found out abouto their affair. And it's still fodder for gossip with these people? Really? Perhaps they should get out each others bums and live their own damn lives. Or realize that they're 27 now and not 16.

I'm 90 pages from the end. Jesus. This is terrible. What is with the random POV's thrown in from Steven and then Bruce Patman? I mean, we don't see them for 3/4 of the book, they are just mentioned, but then wa-la - there they are, taking up pages.

What in the hell would possess Jessica to tell Steven's wife he's gay? I mean, she knew when she saw her brother and the poster child for Anger Management Aaron Dallas that the reason he was pissed it was her and not Elizabeth was because Jessica has a big mouth. So, she decides to prove that by rushing right over to Cara and outing Steven to her. What the hell? Is she retarded?

And then Elizabeth asking Liam, the actor dude she literally had two conversations with to go with her to her grandmother's party in Sweet Valley. Granted at first she thought to use him as a way to make Jessica stray from Todd, but now she just wants back up. So she says. I don't buy it, and I am with Will on this. Revenge is not the answer. I defer to Seinfeld: The best revenge is living well. So, pull on your big girl panties, Elizabeth and suck it up. God, I am so sick of her!! My hatred sky-rocketed when Winston Egbert died and she goes to visit his father. Yeah, because her and Winston were just oh so close in high school. I am so sick of hearing how wonderful and extraordinary and perfect Elizabeth is! I'm glad Jessica and Todd slept together, I'm glad Elizabeth is hurting - I hate her!

And Jessica's ex can tell in two minutes by just looking at Todd and Jessica that they have feelings for each other. Really? You don't think he's standing next to her to protect her because, jackass, she did just leave you for a reason. And it had already been established that Regan is one of those uber jealous guy, BUT he can see it. Sure. WTF?

This book sucked the life out of me which is why I did not finish posting my final review of the book.

So, Liam, the Irish wannabe actor travels with Elizabeth to her grandmother’s 80th birthday party and gets a hard on for Jessica who is too concerned about Elizabeth and much too into dull as a doorknob Todd Wilkins. Then Elizabeth is all WTF? with Liam about practically salivating all over Jessica and he’s all “I know, right?” and that’s it. We don’t see or hear from him again. And then the rest of us are all, “And his whole point in the book was…?” Oh yeah. To show us how Jessica is so devoted to Todd that she doesn’t notice other men. There weren’t other ways to show this?

And Will the playwright. He was just Todd’s doppelganger that later screws Elizabeth and I really think that was his character in a nutshell. Pascal really wasted time on these new characters because why? I wanted to see Lila Fowler acting like a bitch and Enid like a pretentious know it all, dammit! I also wanted a lot less St. Elizabeth whom I sure is about to be canonized when she dies.

And Todd. Oh, Todd. You know, I really liked Todd in the SVH books. Sure he fit Elizabeth’s “I’m so wholesome and good I’ll give you a toothache”, but I liked him. I figured in this book if they are going to make him the guy Jessica betrays her sister for and Elizabeth moons over so much then he’d be really awesome, but no. He spends most of the book mopping up Jessica’s tears and trying to make himself feel better for hurting Elizabeth.

Oh, and by the way…we go from Jessica and Todd being outed to 8 months later where they’re engaged. If they felt like such shits how did they come to the conclusion to get engaged? How did they work it all out that they still felt like they were going to hell, but shit, let’s get married! I feel like I missed something there. Oh yes. Because we had to get to Elizabeth whining. *RME*

And again, I bring up Caroline Pearce. She has a gossip column that she writes online? About people she went to high school with? Really? Are you being serious right now? THIS IS NOT HIGH SCHOOL, PASCAL. REAL 27-YEAR OLDS DO NOT DO THAT CRAP!!

In a nutshell there were so many different ways this book could have been done. Better, for one. I feel like Pascal really has a big ol’ yen for Elizabeth and tried to make her as saintly as she could just to drive the point home that Jessica and Todd were bad, bad, bad. Except I didn’t care. I wanted her to wallow – I just didn’t want to have to read about it. I would have preferred much more Jessica.

So, calling upon the spirit of Jessica: Like, this book so totally sucked!
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Comments (showing 1-10 of 10) (10 new)

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message 1: by Stacy (new)

Stacy Wow! You have some strong feelings here! and remember no matter how much the book stinks we do not throw our library books against the wall! lol

Janina I am adding another shot to the drinking game I saw posted a few days ago in regards to this book: A shot every time Jessica talks like a Valley Girl.

message 3: by Phil (new)

Phil Sim ooohhhh...hmnmmmm....Is that a good idea??

message 4: by Stacy (new)

Stacy Hey Janina...that comment from phil sim was me...I was on my dad's computer and I didn't realize that he was logged on...not me!

Janina Oh, thank God! I was wondering who that was and why he was interested in my Sweet Valley Confidential review lol.

message 6: by Stacy (new)

Stacy I know right! I figured that you might think that you had a creepy sweet valley high stalker! ha ha

Kate OMG you guys are too funny... love the realtime reviewing style here!

I'll have a shot for Prudey McPrude, Mayor of Prudey Town, ending up with Bruce. THIS IS AGAINST THE LAWS OF THE SWEET VALLEY UNIVERSE! And now I've totally got a new fanfiction in mind:

Sweet Valley Universe: 1,000 years later!
Somewhere in Deep Space, the Wakefield Twins have just been awakened from their cryogenic slumber, still blonde and a perfect size 6. Winston may have died, but his DNA has been cloned and he is now the galaxy's most lamely hilarious cyborg. Lila is on the cutting edge of the new facial modifications - will Jessica ever be able to top her? Meanwhile, Elizabeth discovers a mystery in the Oracle, the ship's log, and she and Todd, now a zombie but not otherwise noticably different than usual, must uncover the secret behind the apocalypse before Todd eats Elizabeth's brains! Enid is also there in the future, but her plotline is not interesting enough to detail here. And bonus! Regina Morrow has also been cloned, and now must make the choice: should she try cocaine again, or will it kill her twice?

message 8: by Kelli (new) - added it

Kelli All these comments are hilarious...but Regina dying twice just threw me over the edge! And poor Enid!

Janina LMAO. That is freaking awesome!

Kate wrote: "OMG you guys are too funny... love the realtime reviewing style here!

I'll have a shot for Prudey McPrude, Mayor of Prudey Town, ending up with Bruce. THIS IS AGAINST THE LAWS OF THE SWEET VA..."

Kate wrote: "OMG you guys are too funny... love the realtime reviewing style here!

I'll have a shot for Prudey McPrude, Mayor of Prudey Town, ending up with Bruce. THIS IS AGAINST THE LAWS OF THE SWEET VA..."

Janina I know! I actually liked Enid in SVH, so not getting much of anything from her and then finding out she's just a miserable bitch was sad.

Kelli wrote: "All these comments are hilarious...but Regina dying twice just threw me over the edge! And poor Enid!"

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