Stephen's Reviews > Twilight

Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
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's review
Dec 03, 2013

did not like it
bookshelves: ya, fang-bangers, shame-on-you, 2000-2005, paranormally-romantical
Read on April 17, 2011 — I own a copy

Twilight review intro

Welcome to Part II of the Vampire Compatibility Test (VCT). Before we continue, let's briefly racap Part I of the VCT. Your score in Part I should have given you a good idea of how critically you judge vampire fiction, placing you in either "Group A" or "Group B" based on overall points scored.

Group A:

A fairly harsh to extremely harsh critic that requires in a vampire story that it be: (a) well written or at least highly engaging prose; (b) tightly plotted with a well defined backstory that is either tied to an established “vampire mythos” or adds something substantial to the vampire genre; and (c) an intelligent, compelling original story or a slick, fast-paced, chill-filled thrill ride.

Group B:

Includes those that are not too critical and are generally okay as long as the writing and plot are not horrible and there is “something about it” that makes it an interesting diversion. This group also includes those that are not sure what the word critic means.

So with Part I completed, we now turn to Part II of the VCT test. In this section, we will take a look at the most popular vampire series in publishing history (i.e., the Twilight series) and help you determine whether it is a good choice for your next reading selection**.

**(PLEASE NOTE: If you are part of "Group A" above than the answer is clearly NO, and you can move on immediately to Part III of the VCT.)

For those in Group B, here are the instructions for this section of the VCT. For each of the 4 questions below, select the answer that best describes your personal taste when it comes to vampire fiction. Each answer has a corresponding point value that will be added up at the end of the test. The total number of points will indicate a preference for a certain kind of vampire novel, which can then be used to assist you in selecting the right story for you.
 
QUESTION 1: Which of the following best describes your favorite kind of vampire?
 
A: Sparkly, epically EMO and unable to look threatening without legal counsel and a tactical nuke; 0 points
 
B: Underwear model hotness with perfect hair who smells like the beach and has eyes that can cause a person’s naughty bits to spontaneously combust. 5 points
 
C: Chalky skin, “super cuts” hair, stylistically challenged clothing (with or without Liberace cape) with long nails, ivory fangs and a kick ass accent. 10 points   
 
D. Ugly and reeking of ickyness with deformed monster-like physical appearance and sharp, nasty animal-like teeth and claws. Note: long black tongue like appendages is optional. 15 points
 
E. So freaking menacing and “out of this world” disgusting that sightings will cause spontaneous development of Tourette Syndrome, loss of bladder and temporary voice immodulation. 20 points  
 
QUESTION 2: Which of the following best describes your desire to become a vampire like those in your favorite stories?
 
A. YES, YES, oh my God, oh my God, YES…YES…YES…YES…YES….YEEEESSSSS
Photobucket
 0 points
 
B. Yes, I think it would be pretty cool.  5 points
 
C. Close, but no. I think the loneliness, lack of Vitamin D and dietary restrictions outweigh the longevity and the cool, soulful hipness. 10 points
 
D. No way, I would rather die than become one of those things. 15 points
 
E. ARE YOU FUCKING PSYCHO? Not only would I rather die but I would personally hogtie my best friends and leave them for the creatures to munch on while I made good my escape. 20 points
 
QUESTION 3: Which of the following best describes how you would respond if a casual acquaintance asked you if they should check out the popular “Twilight” series by Stephenie Meyer?
 
A. I would say YES because it is the best book since Crime and Punishment, no wait, the BEST BOOK EVER and everyone should read it. 0 points
 
B. I would say YES, but would spend the next 20 minutes qualifying my answer using phrases like: “well, some people find it kinda cheesy” and “it’s not exactly quality prose” and “you should know that I’m pretty forgiving of the plot because I just LOVE the characters” and “don’t fucking look at me like that. I mean, it sold like a gagillion copies so it can’t be all bad.” 5 points
 
C. Even though I really like it, I would be too embarrassed to admit that I read it and would tell the person NO and that they should to read Ulysses instead because “it is like way deep and shit.” 10 points

D. I would say NO and tell them to go read Dracula because it’s an excellent Vampire story!! 15 points
 
E. I would stare at them stunned for several seconds and then bitch slap them hard across the face for asking me such a dumb shit question, screaming that vampires DO NOT sparkle, wear hair gel or play baseball....EVER!!! 20 points

QUESTION 4: If they made a major hollywood movie of your favorite vampire movie, what rating would the MPAA give it?

A. PG to PG-13 for EMO Adult situations, snarky Adult language and boring violence. 0 points

B. PG-13 for strong sexual situations, strong sexual situations and strong to very strong sexual situations. 5 points

C. R for Adult language, sweet, bloody violence, fright and nudity followed by bimbo deaths. 10 points

D. NC-17 to banned in the U.S. for almost continuous gore on a massive scale, vampires more disgusting than a SUMO wrestler's bowel movement and.......lots and lots of nudity because WHY NOT. 15 points

SCORING FOR PART II OF VCT:

0 to 10 points. Ignore the 1 star rating above, buy "first printings" of all four of the Twilight books and read them over and over until your eyes bleed.

15 to 20 points. Twilight is probably a 2 star read and you might think about squeezing it in between episodes of “Jersey Shore.”

25 to 50 points. Best to skip Twilight as it is not likely to be a memorable read for you.

50 points or over. AVOID AT ALL COSTS. Twilight is your vampire kryptonite and reading it will make you think less of yourself and may cause severe and long lasting anger and/or depression at the current state of the world.

REVIEW NOTES AND COMMENTS:

* An apology for this review to my wife who loves these books.

** An apology to my two beautiful daughters for telling them that mommy "had problems" for loving these books.

*** Three cheers for my beautiful wife for "getting" that I was just trying to be funny in doing this review and didn't mean all the things I wrote....(whew).
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Comments (showing 51-90 of 90) (90 new)

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Stephen Erika wrote: "Did you actually read the second book after not liking the first one? :O"

No, which is why I haven't reviewed it yet. However, my wife is a big fan of the series and I told her I would give the second one a try at some point (probably on audio).


message 52: by Libbie Hawker (new)

Libbie Hawker (L.M. Ironside) Oh my god. GREATEST REVIEW OF ANY BOOK EVER, IN THE HISTORY OF BOOK REVIEWS AND ALSO IN THE HISTORY OF THE INTERNET. Well played, sir.


Stephen Lavender wrote: "Oh my god. GREATEST REVIEW OF ANY BOOK EVER, IN THE HISTORY OF BOOK REVIEWS AND ALSO IN THE HISTORY OF THE INTERNET. Well played, sir."

Aw....that is very nice of you. Thank you, Lavender, you have made my morning.


message 54: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Heh, I forgot how much I loved this review. I recently re-read Twilight and reviewed it and felt my brain melting. -_-


Stephen Thanks, Stephanie. I just found yours and it had me laughing out loud. Great pics.


message 56: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)


 Danielle The Book Huntress (Self-Proclaimed Book Ninja) I really like your review, Stephen. Very creative. I do like these books, and I like scary/inhuman vamps. So it was hard to score myself.


Stephen Thanks, Danielle. I'm glad you liked it. As for enjoying both the Twilight books and the scarier versions, I know quite a few people who feel the same way. By the way, for a great (and darkly funny) version of the nasty vamps, you might want to check out DRACULAS which I thought was a lot of fun.


the scarecrow I scored a 60 on this. And almost got a conussion reading the book, may I add. Thank you for the review that made me laugh, good sir, it makes me feel a little less emotionally abused.


Stephen 60 points, Tiffany! Alas, if only you had taken the VCT before reading the book, you might have saved yourself some unnecessary head trauma. Might I recommend DRACULAS as a wonderful way to recover from your experience.


message 62: by Anne (Booklady) (new)

Anne  (Booklady) Molinarolo Thought this was a waste of time. Thanks!


Stephen Your welcome, Anne. There are much better books out there.


message 64: by Kat (new)

Kat True story: a GoodReads friend posted an overly gushy, 5-star review of Twilight today. Deleted the friend immediately upon seeing it. :P


Stephen Kat wrote: "True story: a GoodReads friend posted an overly gushy, 5-star review of Twilight today. Deleted the friend immediately upon seeing it. :P"

I take it they would have scored very low on the VCT.


message 66: by Kat (new)

Kat I can only guess. I think I threw up a little when I read it.


Stephen I hate when that happens.


message 68: by Jonathan (new)

Jonathan I saw this link and thought you'd appreciate it in line with your nice review: http://io9.com/5872490/if-famous-writ...


Stephen What a great link. I love the Cormac McCarthy and James Joyce segment. Thanks, Jonathan.


message 70: by Jonathan (new)

Jonathan Yes I laughed a fair amount about the Cormac McCarthy comment.


Michaela lol :)


message 72: by Maye (new) - rated it 2 stars

Maye Lol, that is awesome!


HeatherJay Brilliant!


Stephen HeatherJay wrote: "Brilliant!"

Thank you, HeatherJay. I had a lot of fun putting this together.


HeatherJay Stephen wrote: "HeatherJay wrote: "Brilliant!"

Thank you, HeatherJay. I had a lot of fun putting this together."


I just sent it to three of my "Twilight" friends. Thanks for the laughs!!!


Haleema This is seriously the most creative review on Twilight I've ever read!


Stephen Haleema wrote: "This is seriously the most creative review on Twilight I've ever read!"

Thank you, Haleema. That is very nice of you. I'm glad you liked it.


message 78: by [deleted user] (new)

You are my hero


Kaitlyn 45 points!


message 80: by Zsa (last edited Jun 26, 2013 01:52AM) (new)

Zsa Even though I was part of Group A, I still wanted to do this because it seemed fun...and it was!
P.S. I scored 55* points and this review = EPIC win and destroys all 1-2 stars ever written.

*Updated score, last year's score: 40


Shilpa Hahaha.. so freaking hilarious.. I frightened my 7 year old cousin nearby by maniacal laughing.. especially the Tourette syndrome and losing bladder control bit :)


Robert Excellent review Stephen. Your VCT should be implemented immediately in all public school systems as a vital part of a child's overall standardized test score.


Daniella Reviews like this are the reason why I read negative Twilight reviews for fun... :)


Pharos Phantomhive I second Danielle, they're better than the books. :)


message 85: by Tynan (new) - added it

Tynan I liked your test, more accurately, the ending notes.


Evelyn Looi Excuse me Stephen, where is Part 1 of this Vampire Book Compatibility Test?


message 87: by Ellena (new)

Ellena Thank you for your review. Now I know that I can remove it from my to read list. LOL!


message 88: by Kendra (new) - added it

Kendra Okay, this is a really stupid question, and totally unrelated to Twilight, but how do you put pictures in a review?


message 89: by Bookworm (new)

Bookworm Got 50 points. Proud of myself.


message 90: by jane alfaro (new)

jane alfaro Let me think about it


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