Stephen's Reviews > Twilight

Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
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's review
Dec 03, 2013

did not like it
bookshelves: ya, fang-bangers, shame-on-you, 2000-2005, paranormally-romantical
Read on April 17, 2011 — I own a copy

Twilight review intro

Welcome to Part II of the Vampire Compatibility Test (VCT). Before we continue, let's briefly racap Part I of the VCT. Your score in Part I should have given you a good idea of how critically you judge vampire fiction, placing you in either "Group A" or "Group B" based on overall points scored.

Group A:

A fairly harsh to extremely harsh critic that requires in a vampire story that it be: (a) well written or at least highly engaging prose; (b) tightly plotted with a well defined backstory that is either tied to an established “vampire mythos” or adds something substantial to the vampire genre; and (c) an intelligent, compelling original story or a slick, fast-paced, chill-filled thrill ride.

Group B:

Includes those that are not too critical and are generally okay as long as the writing and plot are not horrible and there is “something about it” that makes it an interesting diversion. This group also includes those that are not sure what the word critic means.

So with Part I completed, we now turn to Part II of the VCT test. In this section, we will take a look at the most popular vampire series in publishing history (i.e., the Twilight series) and help you determine whether it is a good choice for your next reading selection**.

**(PLEASE NOTE: If you are part of "Group A" above than the answer is clearly NO, and you can move on immediately to Part III of the VCT.)

For those in Group B, here are the instructions for this section of the VCT. For each of the 4 questions below, select the answer that best describes your personal taste when it comes to vampire fiction. Each answer has a corresponding point value that will be added up at the end of the test. The total number of points will indicate a preference for a certain kind of vampire novel, which can then be used to assist you in selecting the right story for you.
 
QUESTION 1: Which of the following best describes your favorite kind of vampire?
 
A: Sparkly, epically EMO and unable to look threatening without legal counsel and a tactical nuke; 0 points
 
B: Underwear model hotness with perfect hair who smells like the beach and has eyes that can cause a person’s naughty bits to spontaneously combust. 5 points
 
C: Chalky skin, “super cuts” hair, stylistically challenged clothing (with or without Liberace cape) with long nails, ivory fangs and a kick ass accent. 10 points   
 
D. Ugly and reeking of ickyness with deformed monster-like physical appearance and sharp, nasty animal-like teeth and claws. Note: long black tongue like appendages is optional. 15 points
 
E. So freaking menacing and “out of this world” disgusting that sightings will cause spontaneous development of Tourette Syndrome, loss of bladder and temporary voice immodulation. 20 points  
 
QUESTION 2: Which of the following best describes your desire to become a vampire like those in your favorite stories?
 
A. YES, YES, oh my God, oh my God, YES…YES…YES…YES…YES….YEEEESSSSS
Photobucket
 0 points
 
B. Yes, I think it would be pretty cool.  5 points
 
C. Close, but no. I think the loneliness, lack of Vitamin D and dietary restrictions outweigh the longevity and the cool, soulful hipness. 10 points
 
D. No way, I would rather die than become one of those things. 15 points
 
E. ARE YOU FUCKING PSYCHO? Not only would I rather die but I would personally hogtie my best friends and leave them for the creatures to munch on while I made good my escape. 20 points
 
QUESTION 3: Which of the following best describes how you would respond if a casual acquaintance asked you if they should check out the popular “Twilight” series by Stephenie Meyer?
 
A. I would say YES because it is the best book since Crime and Punishment, no wait, the BEST BOOK EVER and everyone should read it. 0 points
 
B. I would say YES, but would spend the next 20 minutes qualifying my answer using phrases like: “well, some people find it kinda cheesy” and “it’s not exactly quality prose” and “you should know that I’m pretty forgiving of the plot because I just LOVE the characters” and “don’t fucking look at me like that. I mean, it sold like a gagillion copies so it can’t be all bad.” 5 points
 
C. Even though I really like it, I would be too embarrassed to admit that I read it and would tell the person NO and that they should to read Ulysses instead because “it is like way deep and shit.” 10 points

D. I would say NO and tell them to go read Dracula because it’s an excellent Vampire story!! 15 points
 
E. I would stare at them stunned for several seconds and then bitch slap them hard across the face for asking me such a dumb shit question, screaming that vampires DO NOT sparkle, wear hair gel or play baseball....EVER!!! 20 points

QUESTION 4: If they made a major hollywood movie of your favorite vampire movie, what rating would the MPAA give it?

A. PG to PG-13 for EMO Adult situations, snarky Adult language and boring violence. 0 points

B. PG-13 for strong sexual situations, strong sexual situations and strong to very strong sexual situations. 5 points

C. R for Adult language, sweet, bloody violence, fright and nudity followed by bimbo deaths. 10 points

D. NC-17 to banned in the U.S. for almost continuous gore on a massive scale, vampires more disgusting than a SUMO wrestler's bowel movement and.......lots and lots of nudity because WHY NOT. 15 points

SCORING FOR PART II OF VCT:

0 to 10 points. Ignore the 1 star rating above, buy "first printings" of all four of the Twilight books and read them over and over until your eyes bleed.

15 to 20 points. Twilight is probably a 2 star read and you might think about squeezing it in between episodes of “Jersey Shore.”

25 to 50 points. Best to skip Twilight as it is not likely to be a memorable read for you.

50 points or over. AVOID AT ALL COSTS. Twilight is your vampire kryptonite and reading it will make you think less of yourself and may cause severe and long lasting anger and/or depression at the current state of the world.

REVIEW NOTES AND COMMENTS:

* An apology for this review to my wife who loves these books.

** An apology to my two beautiful daughters for telling them that mommy "had problems" for loving these books.

*** Three cheers for my beautiful wife for "getting" that I was just trying to be funny in doing this review and didn't mean all the things I wrote....(whew).
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Comments (showing 1-50 of 90) (90 new)


message 1: by Stephanie (new)

Stephanie ooooh....please review it....please, please, please :)


Stephen I just launched it!!!


message 3: by Stephanie (new)

Stephanie Stephen wrote: "I just launched it!!!"

yay!


Stephen Brian wrote: "45 points... not bad! You left out all the financial stuff, though."

That was intentional Brian. Your review was so thorough and insightful regarding the socio-political-economic underpinnings of the Twilight narrative that I decided I would only address in my review the surface literary merits and narrative focus of this soon to be classic 21st century masterpiece.


message 5: by Stephanie (new)

Stephanie 1. I would stunned for several seconds and then bitch slap them hard across the face for asking me such a dumb shit question, screaming that vampires DO NOT sparkle, wear hair gel or play baseball....EVER!!!

AND.....

2. ** An apology to my two beautiful daughters for telling them that mommy "had problems" for loving these books.

Were my favorite parts.


Stephen Brian wrote: "45 points... not bad! You left out all the financial stuff, though."

By the way, Brian. I don't think I told you when you did your amazing review of Twilight how stupid I felt for missing the clever financial subtext of Meyer's work. Admittedly, I was looking for it the second time around and it hit me right between the eyes.


Stephen Brian wrote: "Aw, thanks Stephen!"

No, THANK YOU. It is this kind of brilliant subtext that has me re-reading all of those Nancy Drew mysteries looking for the key to "zero point" energy.....so far nothing but I am only halfway through the catalog.


Stephen Brian wrote: "Well, I think it's like one of those computer 3-D pictures that were so popular in the late 90's (do you know the ones I mean?). If you happen look at it the right way, if jumps out at you; otherwise it just sits there, hidden in plain view. I'm sure Meyer will be invited to the next G7 meeting or other high-power economic forum to help world leaders figure things out. "

I don't know how to say this without coming across as creepy, but I would like to take a few weeks off from my practice and just follow you around taking notes. I am missing so much from the books that I read that I really need to figure out what I am doing wrong.


Kwesi 章英狮 I'm trying not to laugh. Hikhik.


message 10: by Kat (new)

Kat I laughed out loud while reading this...


Brenda Ha! If I were to score myself on this test, I would definitely have an outcome that would tell me never to read Twilight. Since I've already read it, it's too late. And somehow I rated it 3 stars, which according to goodreads means I liked it. I assure you, I did not. 3 stars for me meant it was okay, and I think at the time I was being forgiving and generous. I suspect if I tried to pick up Twilight for a second read, I wouldn't make it very far.


Stephen Brenda wrote: "Ha! If I were to score myself on this test, I would definitely have an outcome that would tell me never to read Twilight. Since I've already read it, it's too late. And somehow I rated it 3 star..."

I would suspect there are many others who feel the same way.


message 13: by Trudi (new)

Trudi Too funny for words :) :) ...although I do have a soft spot for anyone who smells like the beach!


Jenne Love the review! I only read Twilight to find out what all the hype was about. It was ok, but didn't blow me away. However as a librarian, I have to praise Meyer for getting so many teens (and adults!) reading.


message 15: by Stephanie (new)

Stephanie Jenne wrote: "Love the review! I only read Twilight to find out what all the hype was about. It was ok, but didn't blow me away. However as a librarian, I have to praise Meyer for getting so many teens (and ad..."

Oh I agree.....but they are reading really bad writing, so I'm not sure if it's a plus.


Stephen Brian wrote: "You are too modest about your own talents, but I agree we should hang out together sometime- it seems like every few years I end up going to a conference or convention in LV, so I'm sure it will ha..."

Sounds good...let me know the next time you are coming out this way. Beers are on me.


message 17: by mark (new) - rated it 2 stars

mark monday hilarious!


Stephen mark wrote: "hilarious!"

Thank you kind sir.


message 19: by Gary (new)

Gary Up to your usual high standard of review Stephen - funny and true to a degree that leaves me speechless and reaching for the red wine to celebrate another classic review from your (I am sure) fair hand...


Stephen Gary wrote: "Up to your usual high standard of review Stephen - funny and true to a degree that leaves me speechless and reaching for the red wine to celebrate another classic review from your (I am sure) fair ..."

Thank you, Gary...much appreciated.


Lamia My god... I can't breathe. And I just woke up the entire building with my cackling, I think.


Stephen Lamia wrote: "My god... I can't breathe. And I just woke up the entire building with my cackling, I think."

Thank you, Lamia. I am very glad you enjoyed it.


message 23: by Milo (new)

Milo Ok, despite twilight being such a terrible book I must say it has some of the best reviews. That was genius! I loved the review.


Limonessa Hilarious. Great review. AND I liked the books. :-)


Stephen Milo wrote: "Ok, despite twilight being such a terrible book I must say it has some of the best reviews. That was genius! I loved the review."

Thanks, Milo. I had fun putting it together.


Stephen Lisa wrote: "Hilarious. Great review. AND I liked the books. :-)"

Lisa, I am very glad you enjoyed the review. I was certainly trying to have fun with it and am glad it didn't rub you the wrong way as a fan of the book.


message 27: by Nancy (new) - added it

Nancy I'm a little ashamed to admit I have a copy laying around somewhere that I picked up for 50 cents at a library sale. If I read it and end up liking it, will my friends still want to associate with me? LOL!


Stephen Nancy wrote: "I'm a little ashamed to admit I have a copy laying around somewhere that I picked up for 50 cents at a library sale. If I read it and end up liking it, will my friends still want to associate with..."

Of course we would, though some of your "friends" might be inclined to organize an "intervention" for you, but that is only because we care. Heck, I have long struggled with my "Star Trek" books and still find myself picking one up occassionally (and....gulp...liking them) so I would have to vacate my rather glassy house before I picked up a judgmental stone to throw.


message 29: by Miriam (new)

Miriam Barbara Hambly wrote Star Trek novels and she has a PhD. Therefore they must be intellectually meritorious.


Stephen Miriam wrote: "Barbara Hambly wrote Star Trek novels and she has a PhD. Therefore they must be intellectually meritorious."

Thank you, Miriam. That makes me feel better. There are actually quite a few of the Star Trek books written by good authors (James Blish, Peter David, Joe Haldeman, Greg Bear, etc..). Of course, that is probably only 5 to 10% of the total so there is quite a bit of cheese to go around.


message 31: by Miriam (new)

Miriam Pshaw. You're a smart guy, what's an IQ point here or there, anyway?


Stephen Miriam wrote: "Pshaw. You're a smart guy, what's an IQ point here or there, anyway?"

Those IQ points can really start to go down once you factor in the one's I lose from alcohol consumption.


message 33: by Miriam (new)

Miriam When you put it that way, I doubt the Star Trek novels are significant factor.


rameau E. ARE YOU FUCKING PSYCHO? Not only would I rather die but I would personally hogtie my best friends and leave them for the creatures to munch on while I made good my escape. 20 points

Never thought about it this far, but I would definitely do this. Thanks for the suggestion. And for the laughs.


message 35: by Jana (new) - rated it 3 stars

Jana another wonderful review! thank you.


message 36: by Joe (new)

Joe Superb!


ivana18 ROFLMAO!!!!
I can't tell you how much I enjoy reading brilliantly written "bad" reviews for this book, especially if they are funny....and you really know how to write a funny review.
I liked the "Twilight" saga but I'm not delusional enough to think that it's even remotely close to being the next great American novel. I didn't have an opportunity to read YA fiction when I was a teen so I indulged and I had fun reading it, and that's pretty much it.

Great review Stephen, simply brilliant.


Stephen ivana wrote: "ROFLMAO!!!!
I can't tell you how much I enjoy reading brilliantly written "bad" reviews for this book, especially if they are funny....and you really know how to write a funny review.
I liked the ..."


Thanks, Ivana. I am glad you liked it. It was certainly done with tongue planted firmly in cheek.


Renee I liked the book as a one time read castoff but your comments were too much, in a good way. Too funny! LMAO!


Tammy Stephen, I haven't had time to say this in a while but I LOVE LOVE LOVE you and your Freaktastic Reviews!


Stephen Tammy wrote: "Stephen, I haven't had time to say this in a while but I LOVE LOVE LOVE you and your Freaktastic Reviews!"

Thanks, Tammy. I LOVE LOVE LOVE to hear that.


message 42: by Lucia (new) - rated it 1 star

Lucia Belakova 60 points. Where are the cookies, again?


Stephen Lucia wrote: "60 points. Where are the cookies, again?"

60 points? Well done...cookies have been eaten but I will see what I can do.


message 44: by Lucia (new) - rated it 1 star

Lucia Belakova Stephen wrote: "Lucia wrote: "60 points. Where are the cookies, again?"

60 points? Well done...cookies have been eaten but I will see what I can do."


I see, so many normal people in one place just deserve them. And they were way quicker than I was. But you can still bake them, can't you? *wink*


hayden WooT! 100th like!


Stephen LOL...thanks, Hayden.


message 47: by Erika (last edited Nov 07, 2011 10:53AM) (new)

Erika And where's part 1... and 3?


Veronica Quezada toda la serie de crepusculo es la mejor!!! :D


Stephen Erika wrote: "And where's part 1... and 3?"

Part I is only "implied" but I have thought of doing part III in my review of the second book. I need to work on that.


message 50: by Erika (new)

Erika Did you actually read the second book after not liking the first one? :O


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