mark monday's Reviews > The Return of the King

The Return of the King by J.R.R. Tolkien
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♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

a rousing climax to the most ravishing love story of the modern age. tempestuous, tormented Frodo at long last learns to accept the love of his lifemate - the loyal and submissive Samwise Gamgee, bottom-extraordinaire. this is truly a tale of love's labour hard-won, and at such a cost! but love conquers all in the end, and even bitter, militantly hetero villain Sauron cannot stand in the heart's path for too long. in this third book of the torrid trilogy, Frodo's love-hate relationship with the concept of commitment - deftly symbolized by a gorgeous, one-of-a-kind, designer ring - reaches a dramatic fever pitch, as he wrestles with his awkward feelings about monogamy & gay marriage in the boiling, repressive deserts of "Mordor" (clearly a stand-in for maverick Texazona). fortunately, the maternal Sam is constantly by his side to offer succor - forever the wind beneath Frodo's wings.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

the incredibly racy & erotic atmosphere is filled with a circuit party's worth of soldier types, as well as many classic queer icons: butch trade turned romantic male-model Aragorn; saucy friends-with-benefits Merry & Pippin; the tough & dour yet loveable uber-dyke Arwen; little bear-daddy Gimli; cringing closet-case Oh My Precious; fey pretty-boy Legolas; the exquisite drag queen enchantress Galadriel; and of course, presiding over them all, flouncing from scene to scene, battling his nasty sourpuss of an ex-boyfriend Saruman, and just chewing up the scenery like no one else...the fabulous and effervescent Gandalf the Gay. you go, girlfriend!

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

despite the couple dozen unnecessary scenes of Sam staring dreamily into Frodo's sad sad eyes, this is truly a flawless and timeless gay classic, one that boldly states Love Is a Glorious Burden That We Must Ever Shoulder. love knows no boundaries. and even the smallest of men can have the biggest...."heart", i suppose. queer fave Enya even contributes to the soundtrack. Return of the King is a luscious, deliriously homoerotic fantasia.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

oops, forgot i wasn't reviewing the thrillingly fagtastic film version. well, as far as the novel goes, it is perfect. i wouldn't change a word. even the poetry is awesome.
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Comments (showing 37-86)





Kwesi 章英狮 I think most of my friends already watched the movie except me, I don't like to watch it after watching the first movie that I can't understand a thing. Maybe I'll read the book later in life. Haha.


Amanda Hurray for Hobbit-love!


message 84: by mark (new) - rated it 5 stars

mark monday its the cutest! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥


Amanda I'm impressed mark that you managed to write a truely unique review of LOTR. Just when I thought there was no point, you go and shake it up!


message 81: by mark (new) - rated it 5 stars

mark monday thank you! as heated as Hobbit Love gets, it really isn't very sexual. it is like kittens or puppies cuddling. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥


Amanda Yes...but we all know what those dirty little brutes are thinking...


message 79: by Kemper (new)

Kemper Too funny.


Jonathan Cullen This was funnier that my review, which I understood was impossible.


message 77: by [deleted user] (new)

One of the cable channels did these great slashy promos for the movies when they ran it. My favorite cut was the one that insinuated a love story between Gandalf and Shadowfax. Love the review.


message 76: by mark (new) - rated it 5 stars

mark monday thanks! now i will have to find more info on this timeless love occurring right under my nose between Gandalf & Shadowfax. they hid in plain sight!


message 75: by [deleted user] (new)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x2hwV0...

I can't find the damn horse one though. ::grumps::


message 74: by mark (last edited Apr 10, 2011 12:31PM) (new) - rated it 5 stars

mark monday oh my God....that was awesome. i want to see more. Secret Lovers are ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥!


message 73: by mark (last edited Jul 15, 2011 08:51PM) (new) - rated it 5 stars

mark monday disco Gollum:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8t1PBj...

almost as good as Secret Lovers!


message 72: by Miss (new) - rated it 5 stars

Miss I found LOTR quite a hard book to read, Tolkien wrote his own language and created his own middle earth. Much prefered the audiobook version. Give me a email if you fancy a copy. R X


message 71: by mark (new) - rated it 5 stars

mark monday much obliged Rosie, but i'm fine with the hard copy. at this point i've read it many times, it is like a comfortable blanket on a cold day. but i know what you mean as far as LOTR being a hard book to read, at least at first. it took a while for me to adjust to the language - several tries, dry runs really, until Tolkien's style really sunk in and i was able to enjoy it. an audio version probably would have been very helpful back then. but now i love it.


message 70: by Miss (new) - rated it 5 stars

Miss well if you change your mind, please feel free to email me. I do have several others too. Thanks, Rosie x PS LOTR one of my favourites.


message 69: by Meikstr (new)

Meikstr One of the best reviews Ive read in a while!! Had me laughing the whole time. Best epic fantasy Ive read.


message 68: by mark (new) - rated it 5 stars

mark monday thanks Meikstr!


Davytron This is probably one of my all time favourite reviews.


message 66: by mark (new) - rated it 5 stars

mark monday well thank you Davytron! always remember that Love Conquers All - especially in Middle Earth.


message 65: by Greg (new) - added it

Greg LOL Nice review. :)


message 64: by mark (new) - rated it 5 stars

mark monday thanks Greg!


Chelsea Oh god. I just laughed so hard I might have peed.


message 62: by mark (new) - rated it 5 stars

mark monday please clean yourself up Chelsea!


Olivia Holy crepes, this is the funniest LotR review I've ever read. When I first watched the movies, I thought "well, the slash fans are going to have a heart attack".


message 60: by mark (new) - rated it 5 stars

mark monday i almost had a heart attack myself at all the sweeping and powerful gay pageantry! well, a combo heart attack-and-painfully-hard-erection.

wait, who said that? that erection comment was really uncalled for!


message 59: by MrsJoseph (new)

MrsJoseph *gasp*

I can't breathe!


message 58: by mark (new) - rated it 5 stars

mark monday glad to be of service!


message 57: by Joy (new)

Joy best review ever!


message 56: by mark (new) - rated it 5 stars

mark monday and thank you as well, Joy!


Cecily I can't say I noticed any eroticism, homo or otherwise, but great books (and surprisingly good film adaptations, imo).


message 54: by mark (new) - rated it 5 stars

mark monday i didn't either, at least in the books (which are amongst my favorite things). but in the movie adaptations... quite a different story!


Ireth Seregon I watch the movies, have not read the books. because i can't follow his style :)) hehe and i rate it based on the movies. i like movies introducing book plots.


Ioana Zarnica Dude, you have serious problems.


message 51: by mark (new) - rated it 5 stars

mark monday are you one of them?


message 50: by [deleted user] (new)

I finally found the horse promo:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xTkja0...

You're welcome.


message 49: by mark (new) - rated it 5 stars

mark monday YAY!


message 48: by [deleted user] (new)

It was better in my memory, but it's still funny.


message 47: by mark (new) - rated it 5 stars

mark monday funny enough for me to immediately post on my FB.


message 46: by [deleted user] (new)

FB wins!


message 45: by Greg (new) - added it

Greg mark wrote: "are you one of them?"

LOL Nice retort!


message 44: by Trey (new) - rated it 5 stars

Trey Original poster - you're a douche.


message 43: by mark (new) - rated it 5 stars

mark monday what are you talking about, Trey? wait, don't explain, words just get in the way. i find your comment to be confusing and mysterious and somehow alluring just as it is. i also appreciate that you know how to take a good dog lick. that really says something about a man. wanna get together and bang it out? call me maybe??


message 42: by Jennie (new)

Jennie Pratt Mark, I want to take a moment to tell you just how much I appreciate the intelligence of your reviews and the retorts to the dimwit commentary that follows. Case in point, see the post right above this one. Pure, simplistic perfection. **Cheers**


message 40: by Greg (new) - added it

Greg Anthony wrote: "http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=plMO6-..."

Cute! :) And they figured it out before Peter Jackson's crew did!


message 39: by mark (new) - rated it 5 stars

mark monday Jennie wrote: "Mark, I want to take a moment to tell you just how much I appreciate the intelligence of your reviews and the retorts to the dimwit commentary that follows. Case in point, see the post right above..."

well thank you Jennie! i appreciate that.

i prefer to play with trolls rather than get mad at them. life's too short to waste time on unnecessary anger.


message 37: by MrsJoseph (new)

MrsJoseph mark wrote: "what are you talking about, Trey? wait, don't explain, words just get in the way. i find your comment to be confusing and mysterious and somehow alluring just as it is. i also appreciate that you know how to take a good dog lick. that really says something about a man. wanna get together and bang it out? call me maybe?? "



*sings*


"Hey, I just met you,
and this is CRA-ZY
But here's my number
Come lick me maybe?"



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