Steph Sinclair's Reviews > New Moon

New Moon by Stephenie Meyer
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Stephen King once said, "Stephenie Meyer can't write worth a darn. She's not very good."
I couldn't agree more, Stephen. With that, we shall kick this off with a joke:

Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos

Heh.

This re-reading is brought to you courtesy of Project: Hindsight.


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I'm sorry folks. I just could not get through this shit book another time. However, since I've already read it a few times, I feel extremely confident in skipping to the review. But first, can someone please explain to me why this book is 563 pages?! Seriously, how is it possible a book with almost no plot can be so long? When I first read New Moon back in 2008, I didn't like it. In fact I'm not even sure why it had three stars because I remember being super frustrated. Even though Edward and Bella's relationship deeply disturbs my soul, Bella is so incredibly boring without him. I'm not even sure how Stephenie Meyer managed 563 pages. Truly, I'm amazed because I can sum up New Moon in one big picture:

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But let's get on with it, I'll go into some detail for ya.

The book starts off on Bella's 18th birthday, a day she has been dreading for months only because in her mind she will be one year older than Edward. So, she makes a huge production about people not celebrating her birthday, but the Cullens ignore her and Alice plans a party. Before Edward forces her to attend they watch Romeo and Juliet (the book's supposed theme) and they have merry little conversation about Edward's contingency plans once Bella dies. Now, let's not forget they've only been dating for a few months. Yet, here they are making out and talking about killing themselves in the event of the other's death. How romantic. Don't even ask me the logic behind how they can even kiss when his teeth are supposed to be "venom coated." Stephenie Meyer gives some bull shit excuse she must have learned from ass-grab 101. But I digress...

Finally, they make it to the birthday party. Bella gets a paper cut and Jasper almost single-handedly ends this series on page 29.

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Unfortunately, to my dismay his attempt was foiled by Edward. Eddie pushes Bella out the way and she crashes into the glass plates, slashing up her arm. Pause, let's think about that scene a bit: Who's bright idea was it to have glass plates? With a human. In a room full of vampires. That drink blood. Isn't Alice psychic? Why didn't she see Bella cutting her finger on the wrapping paper? Wait, don't think about that because if you spend all your time contemplating the stupidity, we'll never get through this review.

Obviously, Eddie is not happy with the events that went down at his place and Bella further irritates him by apologizing for...wait for it...being human. Bella, you know you've been hanging out with mythical creatures too much when you start thinking your humanity isn't normal. But anyway, Eddie does what any loving boyfriend would do after their girlfriend is attack by their brother: he ignores her. And because Eddie is "Alpha Male Edward" and Bella is "Submissive Mary Sue Bella," she doesn't confront him about it. Instead, she waits for him to be ready. On the third day of ignoring her, he drags he into the words and chucks up the deuces. The exchange goes a little like this:
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Alpha Male Edward tells Submissive Mary Sue Bella firmly, "No, I don't want you to come. You're no good for me." And she pretty much agrees realizing how much of a waste of space she is. Then Edward just pours salt all over her open wound and tells her:
"Don't do anything reckless or stupid," he ordered, no longer detached. "Do you understand what I'm saying?...I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself--for him."
I nodded helplessly.
Wow. Relly? You're just going to let him order you around like that? How about you look after yourself FOR YOU first, everyone else second? Awesome Bells. Can I call you Bells? Not only do you have ZERO self-preservation skills, but also no self-confidence. Just awesome. There's only about a million or so girls looking up to you as a role model. No pressure to be a strong female character. You could have walked away from this with grace, but no, instead all your dignity flies out the window when you pull a bitch move and run after Edward through the woods.
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Then, she defaults back to "Fuck my life" mode and slips into a depression for four fucking months. I find it kind of funny her depression was longer than their actual relationship. Heh. But this wasn't just any depression, it was some serious shit.
I always had nightmares now, every night. Not nightmares really, not in the plural, because it was always the same nightmare. You'd think I'd get bored after so many months, grow immune to it.
Or how about this:
Even my outsides looked different--my face sallow, white except for the purple circles the nightmares had left under my eyes. My eyes were dark enough against my pallid skin that--if I were beautiful and seen from a distance--I might even pass for a vampire now.
Once again I find myself asking the question: Where are her parents?! Why did Charlie let this go on for FOUR months?! She should have been in counseling or something. But Meyer thinks she can just pacify readers by Renee sending a random e-mail here and there or Charlie just suggesting she seek help, only to be shot down by Bella. Fail. So much fail.

All that considered, that's not even the biggest problem I have with this book. Bella soon figures out she can conjure up hallucinations of Edward if she does something reckless or suicidal. This is where Jake comes into play. Bella uses Jake (like everyone else) to get what she wants by asking him to fix up two motorcycles she found and giving her riding lessons. She figures it will be the perfect thing to help her see more of Edward. I suppose she simply forgot how big of a klutz she is and once the bikes are fixed the lessons commence. The first time she gets on she falls off and Jake (the only one with common sense) thinks they should call it a day before she gets hurt. But Bella thinks this is BK and she can have it her way, and gets back on the bike.
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Chick has gone batshit crazy and she promptly busts her ass. But she doesn't care because her mission was a success! She got to see and hear Edward! Her next brilliant idea is to throw herself off a cliff during high tide. The first time I read this I was secretly hoping she would drown, but the other two books already were published, so it was a hopeless wish. Oh and I almost forgot to mention the actual plot. LOL. Funny how that happens when there isn't one, huh? LOL. The She-vamp, Victoria, is scoping out the area trying to get to Bella. But her part is VERY small in this book (like the plot), so we don't really need to talk about her. I suppose the wolf pack is worth mentioning: They're pretty much a bunch of wannabe werewolves that run around with their shirts off.
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That's all you really need to know about them.

So, finally Alice shows up in chapter 18 because she thought Bella was trying to commit suicide (close enough Alice). And through a nice little exchange of "he said, she said" BS, Edward is off to Italy to kill himself. This causes Bella to go into "hero" mode and race to Italy and save Edward. I really don't care enough to give my thoughts on the race to Italy. That entire part was rushed and anti-climatic. There isn't even a fight scene. Instead here is a timeline courtesy of Reasoning with Vampires (Thanks for the link Cait and Jen!):

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Anyway, they get back to good old Forks and Bella composes a vote on everyone's thoughts of her joining team undead. Edward is at a steady "no" along with Rosalie. But everyone else says, "Hell yes!" Like becoming a vampire is a party or something. Funny thing is when Bella asks Jasper he goes:
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And she's all:
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Hmm, yeah, that's not weird at all. Not the least bit creepy.

In the last few pages Edward and Jake have a little pissing contest and Edward proposes to Bella. The End. Yawn. Thank God it's over.

Now where's my fuckin' chocolate?

My Twilight Review can be found here.


***BONUS***

Oh, yeah, bonus time. 'Cause what's a review without one?

Quick! If I were to light Edward on fire what would he become?

(view spoiler)


More reviews and more at Cuddlebuggery Book Blog.
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Reading Progress

10/20/2011 page 0
0.0% "Ok, it's time for me to get off my ass and start this book. I'm ready. Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos" 3 comments
10/20/2011 page 1
0.0% "But this was no dream, and, unlike the nightmare, I wasn't running for my life; I was racing to save something infinitely more precious. My own life meant little to me today. Bahahaha!!! Just today Bella?" 2 comments
10/23/2011 page 4
1.0% "Well, Gran, you might have noticed that my boyfriend glitters. It's just something he does in the sun. Don't worry about it... Lol, really? Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos" 1 comment
10/23/2011 page 14
2.0% "These parentheses are killing me."
10/23/2011 page 16
3.0% "How does Bella kiss Pedward if his teeth are "venom-coated?"" 18 comments
10/23/2011 page 16
3.0% ""Romeo was one of my favorite fictional characters. Until I'd met Edward, I'd sort of had a thing for him." You would, Bella. *eyeroll*" 5 comments
10/24/2011 page 21
4.0% ""I thought you'd like a break from cooking and washing dishes for your birthday." ..... ..... .....Did Charlie really just go there? -_-"
10/24/2011 page 29
5.0% "Who's bright idea was it to have glass at Bella the Klutz's birthday party knowing she'd be in a room full of vampires?" 1 comment
10/24/2011 page 52
9.0% ""Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?" I challenged. "It's a tie." Oh, ewwww!! Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos"
10/24/2011 page 95
17.0% "My behavior had been above reproach for the past four months...I never broke curfew--I never went anywhere from which to break curfew in the first place. I only very rarely served leftovers. Excuse me. What?!" 1 comment
10/24/2011 page 111
20.0% "I'm convinced Bella has mental health issues."
10/24/2011 page 114
20.0% "The threat that had pulled me across the street had evaporated. These were not the dangerous men I remembered. They were probably nice guys. Safe. I lost interest. Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos" 2 comments
10/24/2011 page 126
22.0% "Omg. Do we really need to spend several pages on this "hole" in your chest. You're depressed. I get it. Please move on."
10/24/2011 page 140
25.0% "If Bella mentions cooking for Charlie one more time, I'm going to lose it!"
10/25/2011 page 140
25.0% "I woke up shuddering, my scream muffled by the pillow. Ahhhhh! Bella, Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos Can't...continue...I'm done." 2 comments

Comments (showing 51-98 of 98) (98 new)

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Tassneem Awesome review!

the worst thing about bella besides her non self preservation that lack of self confidence not only lack there's no confidence at all...
I loved how u described her running after him in the forest and that pic was hillarious :))
I hated when he said " It would be as if i have never existed" and the next thing we know is him killing himself because he thought she was dead !!!


Navdha What is air!!??
your review has left me with stomach cramps cause of my bouts of laughter after every few seconds. There is so much win in this review that you deserve a trophy or something, not just chocolates, or maybe a trophy filled with those chocolates.
Oh and the bonus? I died laughing. Omigod! :D


message 53: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair :D

Thanks Tassneem and Navdha!


Rachel Oh my your review left me in stitched and you know what I totally agree with you. I hate this book like reading it I was thinking what the actual.. the whole time. I think its whole thing is far fetched. Bella is one of the most annoying character probably ever created >.<.
I love the picture of Snape referring to Edward as a glittery fairy, cause it is so true!
Loved your review made me laugh, brilliant :')


Colin OMG! I loved your review! You're so funny!


Aminah G Everything said is so true. She does need lessons. She can't write. Bella's character is plain stupid. I mean why would you try and kill yourself on purpose. It's not like edward that cute anyway. the book and move gee me a migraine.


Olivia that is hilarious!


message 58: by Mariam (new) - added it

Mariam Hahahahahaha I enjoy your reviews more than I enjoyed reading the books *thumbs up* accurate.


message 59: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Mariam wrote: "Hahahahahaha I enjoy your reviews more than I enjoyed reading the books *thumbs up* accurate."

Thanks! :)


Bridget Now, I'm just assuming this but, I take you strongly disliked this book! lol

I loved the book when I read it...But when I tried to go back and read it...I wanted to snatch Bella's hair out even more than I did when I first read it..And I couldn't finish the book the 2nd time...Now, I still love the story mind you...But going back and trying to read the first 3 books again, I can understand why people wouldn't like Bella...or the book period. Now, if I were to try to re-read any of the books again, and MAYBE get through it..It would be Breaking Dawn...:0)


message 61: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Bridget (Amarise) wrote: "Now, I'm just assuming this but, I take you strongly disliked this book! lol

I loved the book when I read it...But when I tried to go back and read it...I wanted to snatch Bella's hair out even mo..."


Lol! Exactly! I couldn't finish it this go round. I just got way to annoyed with everything that went on.


message 62: by Dawn (new) - rated it 4 stars

Dawn Jasper I love the reviews much more than I enjoyed the books lol


Christina Wilder I find it kind of funny her depression was longer than their actual relationship. Heh.

EXCELLENT point.


message 64: by Alex (new) - added it

Alex Whalen Are you going to review the last two books in thee series?


message 65: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Alex wrote: "Are you going to review the last two books in thee series?"

Err... possibly. I don't know yet. I been thinking about revisiting the abandoned Project: Hindsight, but I haven't decided. I have so many books I need to read first!


message 66: by Nora (new) - added it

Nora I. LOVE. THIS. REVIEW.


Piper "But Bella thinks this is NO and can have it her way." Haha hilarious!


Nenia Campbell That screenshot of Jasper totally reminds me of Tim Curry in the Rocky Horror Picture Show...if Tim Curry were blonde.

"I'm just a sweet transvampire, from transsexual Transylvania..."


Talyn I read this book before I had a major depression that punctured my life intermittently from 8th grade to Freshman year. Fuck Bella. She doesn't know what true suffering is. If you become clinically depressed over one person for longer than a week, there's something WRONG with your goddamn priorities. She makes me sick. Oh boo hoo woe is me, I can't be with my boyfriend. Well there are people who depressed because their true love died in a war or was murdered during a robbery of their house gone wrong. He's still alive (sort of). You should be glad he's still walking this Earth, you selfish cow!


message 70: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Yes, truly horrible way to show depression.


message 71: by Travis (new)

Travis Bughi Lol, wow, #13 best reviewer on Goodreads? You earned it. That was a very entertaining and thorough review.


Josephine Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Please tell me you are familiar with the franchise spinoff that I wish had been made - dear god, I have wet dreams about it.

(view spoiler)

I've probably subjected you to it before, I just love it so much. Please accept my apology in advance.


message 73: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Josephine wrote: "Please tell me you are familiar with the franchise spinoff that I wish had been made - dear god, I have wet dreams about it.







I've probably subjected you to it before, I just love it ..."


Lol!! What is this?! And why have I not heard of it before?!

Travis wrote: "Lol, wow, #13 best reviewer on Goodreads? You earned it. That was a very entertaining and thorough review."

Thanks, dude. Glad you enjoyed it!

Wow. Tons of random likes out of nowhere. Did this review resurrect itself???


Summer the bummer @Steph did you not add this to your update feed? Huh. I've noticed that a lot of old reviews from various people are on my friends' updates, and they're pretty random. Idk. Something must be wrong with goodreads.


Josephine Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious "Please tell me you are familiar with the franchise spinoff that I wish had been made - dear god, I have wet dreams about it.

I've probably subjected you to it before, I just love it ..."

Lol!! What is this?! And why have I not heard of it before?!"


That moustache could launch it's own franchise. But I am very partial to that one scene in New Moon where Jake gets naked. Was it New Moon? Anyway, that scene could have ended differently. Totally different series. :D Tangent, what tangent?


message 76: by Travis (new)

Travis Bughi Steph wrote: Thanks, dude. Glad you enjoyed it!

Wow. Tons of random likes out of nowhere. Did this review resurrect itself???"


I couldn't tell you. I just found your name by looking at the reviews of a book a friend of mine added to their list (6 degrees of connection?) and thought your reviews were quite interesting and fun to read.


message 77: by Jaz (new) - rated it 1 star

Jaz Worst book in the series why does this exist.


Orinoco Womble (tidy bag and all) I love this review. I'm proud to say I've never read any of the Twilight Twaddle series; this review assures me that was the right decision. YOU should write.


Karim cheers from a King fan to a King fan


message 80: by Shriya (last edited Feb 06, 2014 10:24PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Shriya You're review sums up the twilight series perfectly! I completely agree. I honestly don't see what's so appealing about sparkly vampires and a pale girl from Phoenix. The relationship between Edward and Bella is very unhealthy and a bit unrealistic. The fact that Bella is so boring and depressed without Edward is pathetic. She isn't a role model at all to teenagers reading the book. Where are the Hermione Grangers? Violet Baudelaire? Matildas?


Josephine Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious VIOLET BAUDELAIRE! Love her.


Orinoco Womble (tidy bag and all) Shriya wrote: "You're review sums up the twilight series perfectly! I completely agree. I honestly don't see what's so appealing about sparkly vampires and a pale girl from Phoenix. The relationship between Edwar..."
A woman I know calls the whole vampire/shapeshifter fascination thing "emotional porn." I have to say it's a good word for it.


jacob loves harry potter quit hating the twilight saga


Accalia So let me get this straight ... You hated it the first time you read it but you REREAD the damn thing like ... a 'million' times just to put time and effort into this review? And you searched for matching pictures to flair the whole thing up? Are you serious? Please tell me you didn't read Eclipse afterwards ... But well, thanks for the laugh though. (And no, didn't read your whole review but the pictures were nice ...)


Sarah Lamary i love how i have very few problems with the Twilight books and alot of the other books Steph hates, but i always love her negative reveiws.


Fay Nice review, ha ha.
Great pictures.


message 87: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Wow, just seeing some of these comments. Clearly, my sarcasm was lost of a few people. Oh well.

@Sarah, We're all different. It's totally fine to love what I hate and hate what I love! Thanks for the kind words, Sarah. :)

@Fay, thanks!


Stacey So you're recent comments bumped this up in my feed, bringing it to my attention for the first time and while I am in the category of people who enjoyed the series I can stand back and laugh at the stupidity of it all. This review had me DYING of laughter. While sitting at my desk at work. People are casting worried looks at me. Thank you for this!


boekverslaafde Love your reviews. i was bored and decided to look at 1 star ratings for the worst book i could think of (and even though i have given it 3 stars myself, i thought of twilight) i've thougth about going back and rereading so i could actually write my own review of the thing too, but after reading this review of new moon, i have a feeling i wouldn't be able to get through the whole series again without shooting myself lol. thanks for making me laugh this morning :) a few comments ago (back in dec 2013) you said after reading some of the comments your sarcasm was lost on some people.... i iddn't notice that, did i miss something. ...yup. i'm so bored i read all the comments too lol


Legend1234 I'd like to disagree i think her books are well planned its not like action after action i think she is a well written author much better then some authors out there


Mackenzie dude, iz laughing my but off.


message 92: by Jessica (new)

Jessica Haha I can relate to this review so much


Nobody Everyone on this review is so mean....If you don't have anything nice to write, then don't write it! Goodness gracious, the number of negative comments astounds me..You should all be ashamed of yourselves!If you don't like a book, move on.


Josephine Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Dear Nobody,

a book is a product which people buy.

We wish to restrain others, who seek honest opinions (and snark) from spending their money unwisely.

Thank you for sharing your opinion.
The Committee of Everyone Has One


message 95: by Orinoco Womble (tidy bag and all) (last edited Jul 04, 2015 09:43AM) (new)

Orinoco Womble (tidy bag and all) "The greatest freedom is the ability to disagree."
--Sarah Dunant, Sacred Hearts

GR members exercise that freedom.

And is the irony of criticising others for being critical of a book that someone else wrote, entirely lost on you, "Nobody"?


message 96: by Nobody (last edited Jul 05, 2015 09:07PM) (new) - rated it 5 stars

Nobody "Orinoco Womble(tidy bag and all)"
No, the irony is not lost on me. Must you put parenthesis around my G.R's name? It is merely a literary reference.
As you so eloquently put it, I was simply exercising my freedom as a Goodread's member. So I ask: Do you see the irony in YOUR statement?


Josephine Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Dear Nobody,

it's 'quotation marks' not 'parenthesis'.

We're running in circles and you've managed to combine fallacies in such a way that I can't accuse you of a single one. Are you begging the question? Using a straw-man? Is your reasoning circular? Or is it Non Sequitur? It's brilliant.

Your fan,
Intern at the Committee of Calling Out Fallacious Activity



P.S. We fired that intern. It's clearly an Irrelevant Conclusion from a badly formed Complex Question. You're also making me dizzy. Make a new point or bow out.

Signed,
Underchair at the Committee of Calling Out Fallacious Activity.


Abbee the book is 573 pages long because their "author" didn't revise it. She just went through in one shot and the editor was like "this will make money and i don't have to do anything. cool." and left the rest of us to suffer.


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